Sensual Inarmorata
by LauraAnn22
Summary: Bella has lost the one thing in the world that saved her and she is ready to give up. Edward comes home for the holidays and finds a broken girl he wants to fix. Lots of angst.
1. Chapter 1 Holidays and Hormones

Sensual Inamorata

By: Laura Lu

**IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ THIS STORY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM IN THE PROCESS OF GIVING IT A MAKEOVER. I HAVE CHANGED SOME THINGS, BUT I WILL ALSO HAVE A BETA WORKING ON IT SOON!**

**SO, IF YOU HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH SOME ERRORS, IN THE GRAMMAR AREA, THEN GO AHEAD AND READ, OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT WANT TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE FIRST OF THE YEAR TO READ.**

**THANK YOU, AROUND CHAPTER 12 OR SO I DID HAVE A BETA, BUT THESE FIRST CHAPTERS ARE A LITTLE ROCKY.**

**Summary:**

The Swan's are a family full of adrenaline racecar driving junkies. Bella Swan is a beautiful girl with a few skeletons in her closet and many responsibilities. The Cullen's are close nit carefree family. Edward Cullen is a tattooed businessman with a fucking potty mouth. Edward is perfectly happy with his bachelor-workaholic lifestyle, but then Bella captures his eye. Will it change things? Bella is living her life day by day trying to forget the past and get through the next day, but will an encounter with Edward Cullen change that? Or will it all be too much for Edward to deal with?

**Preface**

My world was crumpling around me, one horrible thing after another was ambushing me. My worst nightmares had come true; I didn't understand why I was being punished this way? Was it so horrible for me to fall in and love and be happy? Was this why these horrific things were happening to me? I didn't understand, I didn't know the reasons why, but one thing I knew was there was only one person I wanted to run to. One person who could save me, help me. His green eyes would be a bright light in my suddenly dark world. I had never needed anyone like I needed him now and it scared the hell out of me.

**"Sensual Inamorata"**

**An inamorata is a lover.**

**This can be expressed in many ways.**

**Rated - R, for language, emotional dialogue, and sexual content**

**Chapter One**

**"Holidays and Hormones"**

**Edward's POV**

I felt a slight jolt as the plane came to a stop on the runway, the excruciating plane ride was finally over. I grabbed my carry on and headed towards the exit; I casually strolled through the terminal trying to avoid making contact with any of the bodies. I hurried to the luggage claim wanting to beat the holiday crowd of passengers. I watched the belt tapping my size eleven foot impatiently waiting for my bags. The fucking belt passed by with everyone's luggage on it except for mine. After seeing the same bag, pink and white with a damn kitten on it, go by three times I was convinced my luggage wasn't on it. This is why I don't travel for the holidays, but my mother, Esme, insisted on her boys coming home for Thanksgiving this year. I was about to go find the asshole who misplaced my luggage when….

"Hey sexy, what is the rush?" I heard the voice that wasn't familiar to me, but had recently been moaning in my ear. A single finger trailed down my arm and then back up, her breath was on my neck, and I knew she was trying to get a reaction out of me. I was already irritated as fuck about my luggage and not really interested in her anymore; so, she got a different response then she was after.

"Jennifer," I said, even though I knew her name was Jessica, because I had an exquisite memory. However, the name mix up would cut any hope she might have of getting my number.

"When you have a quickie on a plane with a man you do not know it is kind of like a one night stand, when it is over, it is over," I said my words in a condescending-serious-asshole of a tone.

I wasn't naturally an ass, but sluts who didn't understand the game pissed me off. Just because I fuck you on a plane, doesn't mean I want to have your babies. I didn't give her a chance to speak I walked away swiftly, leaving the fake blonde mystified. I had to wait in line for about ten, mind numbing minutes before I was greeted by a bubbly blonde with fake boobs.

_Wonder if the airline paid for those? _I thought before I diverted my eyes from her round mounds that didn't move when the rest of her did and focused on the fact that my luggage was missing.

I was my usual polite sunny self until she told me that my luggage would be mailed to me when they found it, then she had to deal with pissed off Edward Cullen. He wasn't so nice or sunny, he was dark and foul mouthed. It took approximately four minutes for security to come over and escort me out of the airport. I was fuming and highly annoyed with the Seattle airport, and their incompetent asses.

Once outside I was welcomed with an unpleasant overcast and the smell of rain; I hated the ran, it made everything messy and wet. My muscular oversized brother, Emmett was leaned against my fathers Escalade waiting for me, grinning like the idiot he was. That was Emmett though always cheerful and not a care in the world.

"Hey little brother getting into trouble already?" he asked, laughing and nodding to the security guards. I just shook my head and walked past him to get into the sleek black SUV. He chuckled as he walked around to get into the driver side. He let out a heavy, relieved sigh as we strapped in.

"Where's your shit?" he asked looking around for my obviously missing luggage.

"Don't even fucking ask," I growled still highly disgruntle. He knew my tone was one he didn't want to mess with; so, he pulled out onto the highway without another word, but I could still see the 'shit eating grin' on his face. He loved it when I was irritated or in a bad mood; he seriously had some sort of sick complex.

Our parents had moved to Forks, Washington, about four years beforehand and this was my first trip home for the holidays. I lived all over the place, with a permeate location in Phoenix, which is were I grew up. I was currently located in LA, so I had no excuses of not being able to make it home in time for Thanksgiving. I was a very busy man and my family didn't seem to understand that. I currently owned two night clubs and four bars, so I am sorry if it takes a hella lot of time to run them. I was in LA working on opening up a Hollywood night club, but it seemed to be a long shot.

Emmett lived in Phoenix with his wife Rosalie and their six year old twins Ryan and Ross, Emmett was the manager and co owner of the first bar I ever opened, "Masen's". Which was named after our mothers maiden name.

My mother was a strong and consistent woman, she was currently badgering me to open a bar in Washington near her, so that Emmett could move, and bring her grandson's closer to her. I didn't really see any potential in a town called Forks, with a population in the hundreds, but I hadn't really ever been here either. My father, Carlisle, and mother seemed to rather enjoy the place. I was the only one of my siblings that hadn't visited yet. My other brother Jasper, the middle child, and his wife Alice came home for every holiday; except when Jasper didn't have permission to leave post. He was a doctor in the military, stationed in Fort Hood, Texas. He had followed in both our father's and our grandfather's footsteps. Grandpa Masen was in the military, served in Vietnam, got a purple heart, and our father was a doctor. So he was just all around the good boy. A military doctor.

Though our parents didn't care what we did, they were always proud of us, treated all three of us, well five with Rose and Alice, like we walked on water. Alice had lived with us since she was thirteen, our family took her in after her parents tried to commit her to a mental hospiatl, claiming she was crazy. Carlisle was her doctor and knew that they were just trying to get her off their hands and ended up brining his work home. My mother didn't mind she had always wanted a girl. Rose came a little later, but she was still a teen also, her parents had tried to push her into some pretty disturbing things. All in all we were one big family and had a pretty comfy life.

I watched the trees and grass pass by out the windowing noticing one thing in particular, everything was green. Now I didn't have anything against green, but this much was kind of sickening. It wasn't natural for there to be this much fucking green, I needed to get back to the sun and the sand, soon. Suddenly, there was a loud popping sound and the SUV swerved over the middle line as Emmett struggled to gain control. He pulled too sharp in his correction and we flew into the ditch with a jolt.

"What the hell happened?" I asked confused and pretty perturbed.

"I think we had a blow out," Emmett grumbled getting out of the car, I followed suit. Sure enough the back tire was completely shredded and to top it off the front tires were half deep in muddy snow. I was sure it would be impossible to get out with the blown tire, we would need a tow.

"Well fuck," I said, kicking the fucked up tire. I had only been on this trip for half a day and it was already turning out to be purgatory. I needed a drink, preferably something strong and slick.

Emmett, apparently, knew just who to call, for the tire not my drink because the only garage in town was owned by some friends of our parents. I didn't know these people, but Emmett said he had meet them last Christmas for a short period of time, _the Swans_.

It started raining on us, so, we climbed back into the currently useless vehicle. Emmett called home to tell them what happened, then about twenty, rainy minutes later a tow truck pulled up. It wasn't a new truck or even nice for that matter, it was an old utility truck with a faded white paint job. On the door in red newer paint it read _Forks Garage, Swan Family Business_. Emmett and I stepped out of the car to meet him. Mr. Swan stood at medium height, with brown hair, and brown eyes. He was wearing what I would describe as, a blue fire proof race suit, the name _Charlie_ was embroidered into it. We were all standing out in the rain as he greeted us.

"Emmett, right?" he nodded to my brother extending a hand.

"Yep, and this is my little brother Edward," Emmett said, shaking Charlie's hand and nodding to me.

"Charlie Swan," he said reaching for my hand, I saw his eyes land on the little bit of ink peeking out from under my sleeve, he smiled up at me, but he didn't have the cautious/curious look that most people got. I got an easy going feeling from him and I liked it. His wrinkles around his eyes and the deep dark circles told me he had a hard life. The dirt under his nails and the callous on his hands told me he was a hard worker. I respected Charlie within minutes of meeting him.

We helped him back the truck up so, it was aligned with the SUV, even though he probably could of done it with out our help. He then took ten minutes to winch it up by hand, he really needed some new equipment; his was ancient and took forever.

We all piled into the truck cab and headed for the garage. Charlie didn't seem to be the type of person that had to fill the void of silence, which made me like him even more. As I watched the town go by from the window I realized just how tiny Forks was, it was an old town and the only grocery store that I could see was a tiny little family owned business. _How could they live without a twenty-four hour store that held everything?_

I didn't have high expectations for Charlie's garage considering the way his truck looked. We pulled up to a metal building shop, with a two car entrance way, it was pretty good size. The same name that was on the truck door was painted above the doors on the shop. He backed in smoothly and we all piled out of the truck into the shop.

"It is going to take about half an hour," Charlie informed us, he gestured to some chairs for us to sit in and wait. They were lawn chairs and I couldn't help but think of many ways to better his business. I looked around the garage it wasn't dirty, but it wasn't spotless like my mechanics in Phoenix. The tools weren't organized and there didn't really seem to be a system to it all. Over in one corner of the shop there was a space that looked a little more orderly, the tools weren't laying around and everything was neatly separated. There was a race car in the middle of the neatness and a pair of thin legs sticking out form under it, with a pair of Chuck Taylor's covering really small feet. I was sure if it was a guy he had to be a really young teen, maybe even preteen. It was a 'Swan Family Business', so I guess it could be Charlie's son. Though most boys weren't organized, I was a rare exception though, so, he could be too. I diverted my attention taking in a long line of trophies along a wall inside a small glass office, they looked like race trophies. I let my eyes roam some more being the business man I was. The place _could_ be nice, but then again I set high standards when it came to my business, so, I needed to not judge everyone else on _my_ standards. Suddenly, there was a loud crashing sound over where the race car was, followed by banging, and then yelling.

"Fuck!" The voice wasn't that of a boy at all, but a woman. Then the small body pushed out from under the car, all I could see was a long chestnut pony tail flying. "Fucking piece of shit," she yelled again, as she kicked the shit out of the car. "Ouch, damn it," she then yelped, grabbing her foot; Emmett and I both chuckled at the amusing sight.

She turned quickly, noticing us for the first time, with a deer in the headlights look. Her heart shaped face was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, blush colored her perfect cheeks, and my hand twitched wanting to stroke them. She had grease and dirt smudged on her face, but I could still see her beauty there. She was wearing the same suit as Charlie and I squinted to see her name, but her pony tail was over her shoulder and covering it.

"Sorry," she mumbled, the emotion clear in her beautiful brown eyes, then turned back to the car and stared at it. She just stood there and I was almost positive I could hear her cursing under her breath. She was shifting her weight from one foot to the other and her hands were on her hips. I could barely see her figure under that massive suit, but what curves I could see were enough to make my cock harden just a little. The way her hips and ass moved when she shifted was driving me wild; also, there was just something so sexy about a beautiful girl like that covered in grease and working on a car. A fantasy started up on its own accord…

_I saw myself ripping that suit off so I could see and feel every curve of her body, then I would caress her long mane of hair, then wrap it around my large hand and give it a little tug. She would moan my name.._

Just as the fantasy started to get to the good part and my erect cock was on the verge of throbbing, my fantasy stopped short there; because a large muscular guy with copper skin came in and started massaging her shoulders. Damn, she had a boyfriend, fantasy over. _Boyfriend, not husband_, the monster in me tried to argue, but I shut him up. There were three things that were a deal breaker for me: One, women in relationships, two, women that worked for me, and three women with kids. So, she was off limits, she was obviously taken. I could see him whispering into her ear and the curve of a smile on her profile. I stopped watching their exchange and realized that Charlie was back and working on the tire. I watched him, he was doing it all by hand and with ease, like he had been doing it for his whole life. I couldn't control my eyes as they looked around for the beautiful girl again. She wasn't anywhere to be seen and the big copper skinned boy-man, with long jet black hair was walking towards Charlie, he nodded to us. I wanted to punch him, I wasn't sure why I was having this reaction, did I feel…._Jealous_? Surly not.

"Bella's going to take her lunch break," his deep voice spoke to Charlie, though the only thing I could think of was how beautiful the girls name was _Bella, _it fit her perfectly. I was lost in my delusions, which is something that had never happened before. All I could see in front of my eyes was this Bella, she intrigued me, yet she hadn't even spoken to me. Well, technically she said _sorry_, but that didn't really count all that much. I was brought out of my pansy ravine by her beautiful voice and I realized she was standing in my line of view speaking to Charlie.

"Dad, do you want me to get you anything?" She was no longer in the fire suit and my eyes were glued on her. Her body was better than I had imagined, she had on a pair of tight fitting jeans, her Chuck Taylor's, a tight white tank top with a sports bra barely visible underneath, and her hair was now cascading down her narrow back in ringlets. I was very impressed by the ink that was peeking out from the back of her shoulder. I couldn't fully make out what it was of, but I wanted to find out. I wanted to know what other pieces of ink she could be hiding under those tight fitting cloths. Everything about her looked delicate and perfect, she had a width in her hips that you don't see on a lot of girls. It reminded me of the curve Rose had in her hips, but Bella was far more beautiful. She was like an…. Wow their was no word for it. Her face was clean now and she had her bottom lip sucked in between her teeth in the sexiest of ways. I could feel my cock twitch a little, okay a-fucking-lot.

"Dude," Emmett said, elbowing me. I shook my head trying to clear my clouded mind and looked over at him. "Stop staring at Swan's daughter, he will shoot your ass." Emmett chuckled, finding my infatuation amusing. I rolled my eyes at him and mumbled something about not staring, but I wasn't fooling him.

I looked back in time to see Bella putting on a black leather jacket and brushing her beautiful hair back to placing a helmet on her delicate head. She then straddled a bright red motorcycle and I was jealous because I wanted her to straddle me. _Seriously, your jealous of a fucking bike, what a pussy_. She glanced at me once over her shoulder as she slammed her foot down on the pedal to start it up. She revved it up and just like that she was gone.

Somehow the next thing that was brought to my attention was Emmett declaring that we were here. Where was here? Oh, right my parents house; I had seen pictures of it, but it was far more incredible in person. My mom was on the porch almost jumping with joy and my father smiled happily by her side, with his arm around her waist. They were a perfect picture of love and devotion, always happy and at peace.

My mother embraced me tightly and I could feel the tears on my shirt and I automatically felt guilty about not making it home more often; after my mom finally pulled away my father hugged me tight patting me on the back.

"Great to see you, son." My fathers voice was like a sanctuary, it calmed and sooth me even in normal speaking tone. It was a part of what made him an amazing doctor.

"You too, dad."

Upon entering the house the smell of pies and cookies hit my senses, which was a welcoming scent. I wondered how my brothers and I hadn't been fat asses all our you lives, since our mother was always baking and putting food in our stomachs. Though our dad was right behind her pushing us to the gym, he said health and fitness were one in the same. Working out had stuck with me and it was something I did at least three to four times a week, sometimes more. Running was a good stress reliever, well, that and getting inked or getting my fuck on. I guess I had a few options in that area.

"Edward." My favorite sister in law, Alice gushed in her bubbly, bright voice. She pulled me into a tight hug and kissed my cheek. Her spiky black hair poking me in the cheek and her green eyes sparkling with joy.

"Alice," I said smiling and kissing her cheek in return. My brother Jasper was behind her and he welcomed me with a hug, we were a very affectionate family as you could probably tell. Though, I honestly hated germs and contact with others spread them around, but this was family. Rose smiled at me and gave me an awkward half hug, she still had issues with being in close contact with any male besides her sons and my brother. The twins came running in next, decked out in their sports attire. They were only six, but Emmett already had them in every sport possible.

"Uncle Eddy," they yelled giving me high five's, apparently they were already too old for hugs. I hated the nickname that Emmett had pushed on them, but I had to admit it was kind of cute coming from them.

"Hey, boys you ready for the game tomorrow?" I asked referring to the Thanksgiving day football game. They grinned excitedly and grunted like Emmett often did. I laughed at them and just like that they ran off to continue with their play. So simple, to be a child. My mom dragged me to the kitchen and made me sit on the stool while she cooked dinner. It smelled fucking delicious.

"How are things?" she asked, dicing up some potatoes, for my favorite potato salad.

"Busy," I sighed, looking into a pot to see what else she was making, seeing they were stakes marinating made my stomach grumble.

"Any chance your next location is, oh lets say in a thirty mile radius of us?" she asked, giving me a look only a mother could.

"Maw," I sighed running my hands through my hair.

"Esme, don't start in on the boy, he just got here," My father said, entering the room laughing at my mothers persistence.

"Thanks dad," I said smiling at him and then sticking my tongue out at my mom.

"Come over her and I will cut it off," she warned playfully.

"What are you cutting off?" Alice asked just as playfully and intrigued as her and Jasper waltzed into the room. I mean literally waltz, she had turned him into such a fucking pansy. How he didn't get his ass kicked everyday was beyond me.

We all caught up on our lives and my mother was disappointed to hear that I didn't have a special someone, as she put it, in my life. I knew she worried about me and it was like she had some kind of biological clock ticking for me to settle down. I was only twenty-seven I had plenty of time to settle down, but that didn't mean I would. The strangest thing happened as we discussed this topic, Bella's face came into my mind, with her beautiful brown eyes. I quickly cleared my head from thinking of a woman I barely knew, a taken woman at that. Though I was curious to know more about Bella and I wanted to ask my parents about her, but didn't want to sound obvious. Luckily they brought up a topic opener for me.

"Charlie, get you guys all fixed up?" My dad asked, Emmett and I at the dinner table.

"Sure did, nice guy. He gave us a discount too." Emmett smiled and shoved more food into his enormous mouth.

"He is a good man, good family too." My dad said, but I could see something in his eyes. Something familiar; _worry_. It made me even more curious.

"How do you know them?" I asked my father, cutting my steak and not really meeting his eyes.

"It is a small town, so I saw them around and a lot of people in this town respect the Swan's. Charlie is the only mechanic in town and his wife Renee was the Principle at the elementary school. I formally meet them in my office though, Renee is a patient of mine." His eyes looked grim and I knew then what the worry was for; my father was an Oncologist, he treated cancer patients. By the look on his face I would assume that Charlie's wife wasn't in the best shape. Though, it wasn't him I felt bad for, well I did a little, but mostly I was sad for Bella. A girl I barely knew and would probably never see again. That thought rubbed me the wrong way.

"Then, I met Renee," my mother started speaking to change the mood. "At the grocery store one day and we sort of hit it off, she is the closest thing to a best friend that I have had in years. Always so cheerful and young at heart, she is a remarkable woman. Oh, and her daughter such a beautiful young woman," Mom gushed about the Swan family almost in the same fashion that she usually gushed about her children. I was now aware that my family was closer to the family than I originally thought.

"Yeah, Edward noticed," Emmett chuckled, and suddenly all eyes were on me.

"Really," my mother said, getting a little to excited. I shot Emmett a dirty look and mouthed a '_fuck you_' to him; he chuckled brushing it off and shoveling more food into his vacuum like mouth.

"She is a very beautiful woman," I mumbled in agreement, not sure what to say.

"Did you talk to her?" my mother asked, pushing for information.

"No, maw, I just saw her at the garage and noticed she was pretty. That is it, can we just drop it?" I asked annoyed with the attention. Emmett was going to pay later, fucking asshole.

"Awe, you think she is pretty you want to marry her," Alice teased, twirling her fork at me and batting her eye lashes.

"Fuck off," I said, started to feel annoyed and cornered.

"Language," Rose warned, nodding at the twins next to us at the kid table, the two of them giggled.

"Sorry," I apologized, though I wasn't really sorry, I was fucking pissed off.

"We can drop it, plus you will have a chance to speak to her again." My mother smiled in a plotting way and the rest of the family laughed at my perplexed face.

"What makes you think that?" I asked, trying not to sound hopeful because I did want to speak to Bella again, but I didn't want them knowing that shit.

"We are dropping it remember," my mom said slyly, and just like that I didn't get any more information. After dinner I joined my father in his study for a drink, which I was in desperate need for. My father only drank on special occasions and having all his boys together seemed to be one. Jasper, Emmett, and I all filed into his study and took a seat in the comfy ass chairs. My parents had the comfiest furniture that ever existed, it was heavenly.

"What you boys drinking these days?" my father asked us, going over to the liquor cart.

"I already have a beer, dad," Emmett said, holding up his bottle, he never could handle his liquor.

"I will have a Macallan, neat," Jasper said, picking up a book off the coffee table.

"Tequila," I answered praying he still bought Patron because I needed the good shit.

My father handed us our tiny ass cups, with our liquor in them, and I tipped that shit back; sure enough it was fucking Patron, thank you very fucking much, I went and got seconds.

"Slow it down, bro," Emmett said, teasingly after my fourth glass.

"Please, these are like fucking midget glasses, plus I can drink without pissing on myself," I retorted, and it wiped that smile right off his face. I chuckled remembering how every time Emmett drank liquor straight, he ended up pissing his pants; it was fucking hilarious.

I saw Jasper and my father eyeing me suspiciously, of course the doctors would read to much into a guy having a couple drinks. Now, I was sure to get a lecture on alcohol poising or alcoholism. We talked for hours about everything, they talked about their wives, Emmett talked about the boys, and all I had to talk about was work. They called me a workaholic a few times and teased me about taking a vacation, but I shrugged it off. I had always enjoyed working and staying busy, it was my thing. Emmett and Jasper fell in love before they graduated High School, so, relationships came first for them. I fell in love with work, so, that was the biggest part of my life. I had three constant things in my life: work, sex, and tequila; not always in that order. Sex was more limited than the other two.

I wasn't all that surprised that my mom had a room set up for me and thankful that her and Alice loved to shop because the closet was full of clothes. The bathroom was stocked, so I didn't even miss my lost luggage. I pulled out my blackberry to check my emails and messages, just because I was away didn't mean that the work was over. I was a little annoyed that I had to walk around the room to try and get signal, but couldn't keep it long enough to do anything on my phone. I was out in been-fucked-Egypt, without the full use of my fucking phone; this was going to be a long ass four days.

That night, I dreamed of fucking, Bella Swan. I had her thrown over on the hood of the car and was fucking her from behind. Her chestnut hair flowing across her back, and soft against my chest. The dream ended all too soon though and I woke up to a ragging, morning wood; oh and fucking pamphlets on alcoholism.

_Fucking beautiful brunettes and doctors. _


	2. Chapter 2 Shaky Hands & Unsteady Emotion

******I do not own twilight or any of the characters, I just like to play puppet with them.**

**Chapter Two**

**"Shaky Hands and Unsteady Emotions"**

**Bella's POV**

I groaned as the alarm chimed next to my heavy head, I was alive another day. I sat up slowly pushing my rats nest of hair out of my face and let out a heavy sigh. Though most of my nights were full of nightmares and dreams that weren't possible, the day was my purgatory. Days were the hardest for me and most of the time I wished I could skip them and get to twilight, so I could be alone in my room once again. The feeling of another day came over me and it was very unpleasant, living shouldn't be so unbearable. I knotted my fingers in my hair and pulled hoping for the physical pain to dull the internal, it helped for a moment, but the internal pain was unavoidable.

The heavy weight that was forever on my heart pressed down making it hard to breath, it felt like a thousand pound weight was on my chest. This was much worse then having your heart torn out, this was having your heart crushed day in and day out. A small familiar tingling ran through my body the anxiety building, my hands began to shake and the tears began to fill the brims of my eyes. _I will not cry, I_ chanted to myself willing the tears to go away. I held them back, but it didn't stop the anxiety and the itch from trying to take over my body. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms tightly around them rocking back and forth on my bed. I took deep shallow breaths until I had control of myself, then slowly got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. It was sad that this little scene was an everyday thing, but the worst part is that it used to be even worse. There was a time when I wasn't even able to get out of bed. There was a time when I couldn't control myself without assistance.

Today was Thanksgiving and I was determined to be as normal as possible, but I hadn't been normal in over four long years.

As the scolding hot water hit my skin it calmed me and my mind enough to think of something other then the pain. My mind wondered to the day before, the day I saw the most beautiful man in the world…..

It _was just another day at my fathers garage, the garage he is adamant on me taking over someday. I was working on my racecar in hopes that when I finished it I would be able to get back into racing, but that is a story for another time. Anyway, I was working under my car and fucked some shit up, because my damn hands started shaking so bad. I cursed and kicked my car nearly breaking my toes, then I heard unfamiliar laughter. First my eyes landed on Emmett Cullen, I had meet him before, but it was the man next to him that stunned me. He had eyes of jade and bronzed hair - that looked like he had just fucked someone's brains out. That alone sent my eyes traveling over his body, he was wearing a tight white long sleeve button down shirt, with the top two buttons undone, underneath a tiny bit of ink was visible. I could see even covered by his shirt that he was well built and I wanted to see the muscles and ink bare in front of me. I stopped myself right there, because I had sworn men off long ago and I wouldn't allow another one into my life, not even for a moment of pleasure. I didn't deserve pleasure, I wasn't worthy, so I mumbled something and turned away stunned, embarrassed, and mad at myself._

_I felt the panic running through my body, I shifted my weight around trying to keep from shaking. I felt cold as I was attacked by unpleasant and pleasant memories. There were a total of two men in my life and that was all I would ever have, because neither of them were anything more then family. I stared at my car - not really seeing it - trying to control the despondency and panic. Then as warm solid hands landed on my shoulders I started to calm, it didn't dissolve everything, but it helped me contain it all. My Jacob._

_"Everything is fine, breath." Jacob whispered into my ear in encouragement. Jacob was many things to me; He was like a brother, best friend, and personal sun. He warmed my cold existence and he helped me get through purgatory a little more peacefully. "Go ahead and take your lunch." He suggested and I nodded in agreement. I hated leaving my tools out and my parts unfinished, but I needed a moment alone. I went into the locker room and pulled off my suit, I washed my face in ice cold water washing away the tears threatening to roll down my face and the smudged grease. I let my hair down to try and hid my face from everyone outside. I thought about staying in the locker room for my lunch to avoid 'him', but there was somewhere I needed to go._

_I went through the motions of asking my father if he wanted anything, but wasn't aware of what he said. I only risked one glance at the beautiful man before I headed out into the cool air. My destination spot was only a ten minute drive from the garage, but it always seemed like an hour drive. This was a place I visited everyday no matter what…_

I was dressed and ready by the time I finished reminiscing about the day before. I took a few deep breaths and stepped out of my room and made my way downstairs. I heard banging in the kitchen and quickened my pace. It could only be one of two people, my mother or my father, either one in the kitchen wasn't a good thing. My father couldn't cook an edible meal and my mother was very experimental, but not only that she was too fragile to be cooking.

"Mom, what are you doing?" I asked walking over and removing the glass pie pan from her shaky hands. Her hands shake for a totally different reason then mine.

"Well we can't go to our two Thanksgiving dinners empty handed." She stated in horror, always so overdramatic.

"I will fix something, you just sit and relax." I ordered looking over the ingredients on the counter, I could tell she was going to make a pie, but what kind. "What did you have in mind to make?"

"You know what I feel great and I just wanted to fix something for the people who are kind enough to invite us over for the holidays, everyone is always telling me to take it easy or doing everything for me. It is so annoying." I let her go on and on, knowing how she felt. Only people were mostly just watching me, watching and waiting.

"Mom we just love you, now what were you attempting to make?" I asked again.

"I was going to make a four in one pie." She sighed giving up and taking a seat at the table.

"What?" I asked chuckling with amusement, but only on the surface.

"Don't tease." She warned shaking a finger at me. "I was going to split the pie up into four sections, apple, blackberry, peach, and pumpkin."

"Mom, that sounds horrible." I said laughing, but it wasn't a happy laugh, it was a sad one. Everything was sad for me now days. As crazy as my mom was I knew that I would miss it when she was no longer here. Which I hoped wouldn't be for a long time, but the chances were slim.

"How about I make an apple pie for the Blacks and Gran's pineapple cake for the Cullen's." Something accrued to me in that moment, that the man with Emmett yesterday could of only been one person. Edward Cullen. The Cullen's youngest son whom was the only one I had not meet. He had the same perfect features and now that I thought about it, he had Esme's eyes. That means that he was home and I would be seeing him when we went over there tonight for Thanksgiving dinner. For some reason I felt anxious to see him again, but I squashed that shit real fast.

I let myself get absorbed in my work. I made the pie crust for the apple pie, then pilled the apples with the apple core. Those things were very handy, then I placed all the ingredients into the pan sticking it in the oven. Next was the pineapple cake, which I knew by heart, Gran had taught me to make it every summer when I stayed with her. She passed years ago, but the recipe was still fresh on my mind. I whipped up the angel food cake from scratch, then drained my pineapples really good, because we didn't want a volcano cake mix. Once it was all mixed together and placed in the greased rectangular pan I stuck it in the oven with the pie. I joined my mother at the table just as the phone started ringing, I started to go get back up to get it, but she reached back, leaning her chair back on only two legs and pulled it off the hook. Then smirked at me before speaking into the receiver, I rolled my eyes. Stubborn women.

I stopped listening to her gossip with one of her friends after a moment and did my best to find a certain numbness to get me through the day.

* * *

I sat next to Jacob in the Blacks small living room surrounded by people I had known my whole life. Billy Black, Jacob's father was my dads best friend. Jacob's mother had died when Jake and I were little. The Clearwater's were also good friends with my parents, Harry and my dad fished often, Sue and my mom shopped and gossiped, they had two kids Seth and Leah. Seth was a senior in high school and Leah was married to Paul, they had a baby on the way. It was hard to see her round stomach and keep in control.

The Uley's, Sam and Emily were there also, very sweet people. They had a little girl that was two and as cute as could be. It was hard being around all the love and family, but Jacob kept contact with me warming me. After eating, talking, and watching half a football game, my parents were finally ready to go to the Cullen's.

"Jake are you going to come with us?" I whispered to him as I slipped into my jacket. He looked torn, if I was being honest I needed him to come, but I knew it was the holidays and he should be with his family.

"I should stay with my dad, but if you need me I am sure he will understand." Jake said looking into my eyes full of emotion.

"I'm fine." I lied. He looked at me unsure, but nodded. Though I didn't miss the look that he exchanged with my father and I knew that my father would be watching me for the remainder of the day.

The ride to the Cullen's was short, due to the fast speeds that my father drove, well we all drove for that matter. Speed was in our blood, generations after generations. As we stopped in the Cullen's driveway my father looked at me in the rearview mirror, I nodded to him that I was fine. You are probably beginning to think I am a teenager or something like that, due to the fact that I live at home and the way my family watches me, but all of that is my fault. I have made many mistakes and at barely twenty-five I already have a lifetime of regrets. I have experienced one of the best things in life, but it ended in tragedy. Tragedy seemed to be a part of who I was, well more like misfortune. I am not sure what I did in previous life, but it must have been pretty bad to have such a fucked up existence this time around.

Doctor Carlisle Cullen and his wife Esme greeted us at the door, they were the sweetest people I had ever meet. They also seemed to have the perfect family and the perfect life. Carlisle was my mothers doctor and Esme her best friend. Almost two years ago now my mother became a patient of Carlisle's, she has stage four cancer. That is one of the two reasons I live at home, to help out with my mother. The other reason is because I am required to do so and because I don't trust myself, neither does anyone else I suppose.

"Hey Bella." Alice Cullen chimed as I made my way through the foyer following my parents.

"Hi." I mumbled trying to smile, Alice took the cake from my hands. Her face was perfect and she was so beautiful, like all of the Cullen's. Even the ones married into the family were beautiful. I followed my mother, Esme, and Alice into the kitchen while the men headed off to catch the second half of the game. The other Cullen women was in the kitchen, Rosalie, talk about taking a hit to your self-esteem. She was more beautiful then a runway model, with perfect skin, and perfect hair. It was a good thing I didn't really care about my appearance, since she would put me to shame if I even tried. She gave me a half smile and then went back to mashing some potatoes. She was married to Emmett, the oldest Cullen boy, and they had two adorable twins. Alice was married Jasper, the middle Cullen boy, they didn't have any children.

My mother and I sat at the counter joining into the girl banter while dinner was being finished up. I wasn't really paying attention, I just listened enough to be able to smile and nod when necessary.

"Edward." I heard Esme say and looked up to see him trying to sneak past the kitchen door. He paused for a moment looking anxious and unsure, then he entered the kitchen.

"Yes ma'am?" He asked and then all words were lost, because he was wearing a tight black shirt and art work was coming out from under the sleeves and down his arms. He didn't have completely filled sleeves, but he did have a lot of work done. His muscles on his arms were tight and defined, I saw them twitch a little, and when I looked up his jade eyes were smugly on me.

He licked his lips and his eyes sparkled making a long extinguished ache between my thighs appear. I could feel my eyes bulge in shock at this new ache, one I hadn't felt in so long it caught me off guard. I quickly took my eyes from him and tried to think of something that would make the ache disappear. Blood, grandpa's, vomit, teddy bears…. The last thought brought on a totally different ache, in my crushed chest and I did my best not to think about the thought pushing at me. After a moment I realized that I was pretty much alone - other then Renee - in the kitchen and I had arranged all the spices on the counter into order by size and color. My mother was staring at me with concern and worry in her eyes.

"What?" I asked knowing exactly what it was, I had shut everyone and everything off again.

"Bella you need to snap out of it, they all probably think you are crazy now. You just sat there completely gone while Esme was speaking to you." She sounded more embarrassed then anything else. She continued in a sweeter tone. "The day is almost over just try and make it another two hours, then we will be home. Just breath." She said kissing my head and getting up from the counter. I followed her into the Cullen's humongous dinning room, these people had more money then necessary.

All the food was ready on the table and everyone was pilling in to take a seat. Thanksgiving at their house was always different then at the Blacks. At the Black's we eat on the floor, couch, wherever we could find a spot. At the Cullen's we ate at an expensive dinning room table. Also at the Black's we ate on paper plates, then fine china at the Cullen's. Other then those things though, the atmosphere was much the same both the Black's and the Cullen's were all really warm and easy going. I purposely kept my eyes away from the one Cullen who made me ache in all the wrong ways. Alice was as bubbly as all the other times I had been around her, she planned a big shopping trip for Black Friday that I declined to go on, but my mom planned on going. Shopping wasn't my thing, but it made me anxious for my mother to go without myself or my father. Though I am sure that Esme was far more capable then the both of us, she was a doctors wife. The conversation was flowing around us and I wasn't really interested until the most beautiful voice broke through me, he had been just as quiet as me until now.

"So Charlie I saw the trophies in your office at the garage, do you race?" Edward asked and I looked at my father.

"It is a Swan family tradition, going back three generations." My father said proudly, but I didn't miss the weary glance at me out of the corner of his eye.

"So was that your car in the shop yesterday, do you still race?" Edward asked, I was still looking at my father, I saw the worry line on his face, so I stared intently at the table arranging my plate, drink, and silverware, because I knew that the attention would be on me soon.

"No, my car is at the house under a tarp. I stopped racing a few years back." Charlie answered and I couldn't help, but cringe a little knowing I was part of the reason he quiet racing, my mom being the other. "The car at the garage is Bella's." I felt my hands tingle as the attention was on me, I could feel eyes on me. My mom quickly diverted their attention.

"You know the Swan's hold the most records at the dirt track in Port Angeles, in both categories." She sounded as proud as a PTA mom, even though she never really liked us racing. It made her stress when we were out on the track, she blamed her gray hairs on our racing.

"Which categories?" Esme asked, everyone was curious now. There were things our family rarely talked about and racing was one of them. Our worlds used to revolve around it, but over the last few years it was a touchy subject. Though I am sure Esme and Carlisle knew some about it, considering the way this town gossips. My mom answered her proudly.

"Well in the adult and teen category of course." It was quiet for a moment and everyone seemed thoughtful.

"So Bella your going to start racing now?" Carlisle asked, I looked up from my distractions meeting many curious eyes. The most curious and intrigued was the jade eyes set in the beautiful face of Edward Cullen. I tried to pull myself together to answer, but my father spoke for me. Everyone looked to him, but Edward, who still stared at me. I tore my eyes off of him and looked at my father.

"Every Swan boy gets a car on their fifteen birthday, when they get it running they are allowed to race. Bella is the first girl in our family, well actually at the track to race. She started when she was fifteen, she built her own car in two months time, she also placed in her first race. Then she ended her second season with a championship, she won the most races and took home the most cash. By the time she turned eighteen everyone was eating her dust." I could hear the pride and the sadness in my fathers voice, everyone looked impressed by what he was saying, I just felt guilty. I had made him proud during that time, but now it was impossible for him to be proud of me.

"She holds the record for most wins in the teen category, no one has been able to win more then her in all these years." My mother added patting me on the back, I tried to smile, but I think it came off more as a grimce. Oops. It was silent for a moment and being perceptive I think mostly everyone understood it was a touchy subject for our family.

"So how are you doing in the adult category?" Emmett asked after a moment, as if he had just realized that we didn't say anything about the adult category. Neither my mother or my father answered for me.

"I haven't raced as a adult yet." I answered barely above a whisper.

"Why not?" Emmett asked surprised.

"Emmett?" Esme warned him not to intruded and Rosalie elbowed him.

"Sorry." He mumbled still looking extremely interested.

"That is alright." I said looking around, my mom couldn't handle leaving it at that, because it made it seem so bad.

"Bella went off to college after she graduated, that is why she hasn't raced." My mom smiled and everyone nodded in understanding, but that wasn't the half of it. Luckily my father quickly changed the conversation before they could all start questioning me about college and studies. Alice told our parents to go and talk that Rosalie, Alice, and myself would clean up the dishes. The boys offered to help so we all grabbed some dishes and carried them to the kitchen. I was going to volunteer to wash dishes, but I knew that it would just make me anxious. I had to stack my dishes in sections, then do them in a certain order, or I felt off balance. I was already anxious enough, no reason to push it.

Edward took up camp at the sink and started the dishes, I was pretty impressed seeing a man do dishes, because honestly in our house that never happened. The kitchen was large, but still managed to get a little crowded with all of us scarring around it, I was starting to feel a little claustrophobic so I tried to squeeze between Edward and Alice at the sink and the island. At this time a few things happened; I elbowed a small pan of grease on the island stove top knocking it to the floor, then I slipped in it. Edward turned to see what happened and reached out to catch me and in my free fall I grabbed at anything to catch myself. My hands caught on the front of Edward's pants and I pulled trying to stop the fall to the floor. Then he started to fall forward with me and his pants slip down in the front revealing his boxers. I hit the floor face up bumping my head pretty hard, Edward was still falling down over me, but he caught himself before he landed on me. He was propped up on his arms and toes hovering over me not touching me, our faces only inches from each other. His jade eyes stared into mine with intensity, then as he tried to push himself off of me his foot slipped in the grease. Making him land right on top of me with a smack, I could feel something solid and throbbing against my thigh.

"Sorry, are you ok?" His velvet smooth voice asked staring into my eyes making my breath catch in my throat. I had to fight the ache between my legs and not grind into him. I couldn't speak I just nodded and Edward rolled off the top of me. I couldn't help, but look down his body and try and find what was strained against my thigh. Edward's pants were pulled down to just under his butt and crotch, and there was his very large, very erect cock stretching the fabric of his boxers. I couldn't move my eyes from it, that thing had to hold a world record.

"Oh shit." I heard Edward say realizing what I was looking at and then I heard laughter all around us. My face burned on fire.

"Damn Edward if you are going hump a girls leg at least get a room first." Emmett laughed. I tried to get up and fell back down, slipping and sliding all over the place. My cloths and exposed skin was covered in grease. I could feel the anxiety and tears trying to break free. I couldn't really see through my eyes they were covered in a teary gaze. I felt a strong arm wrap around my waist and raise me to my feet. I looked down at my waist and could tell by the ink on it, who it was. Edward held me tight making sure not to press my body to his as he spoke in my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

"Are you ok?" He asked again, but I couldn't speak. I just broke free from his embrace and headed for the bathroom. As I entered and slammed the door behind me, I fell to the floor, more like slipped, I was covered in grease. So many emotions were running through me that all I wanted to do was disappear or go see an old acquaintance… "NO" I yelled at myself and climbed into the bath tub, curling up into a ball. I held my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth. I cleared my head and tried to push back everything I was feeling. Embarrassment, horror, pain, fear, anxiety, despondency, and urge. The urge to go back out there and fuck Edward on the kitchen counter until all the pain was gone. I hated myself, disgusted myself, and worst of all I hated the world. It was an unfair place, because even if I wasn't so fucked up, Edward Cullen would never have anything to do with me.

There was a slight knock on the door and Alice's voice came through the door.

"Bella are you ok?" She asked sounding truly concerned. "I am going to put some cloths outside the door for you, you can come out whenever you are ready."

After a moment I heard the lightest footsteps retreat from the door. I wanted to just sit here and hope to die, but I needed to get away from this house. So I quietly and quickly grabbed the cloths she left for me, after about ten minutes of trying to get the grease off my skin I pulled the cloths on. They fit, but they were not something I would ever wear. Oh well it just had to get me home, I hoped my parents were ready to go, if not I would walk home. There was no way I was staying here any longer.

I snuck out the bathroom hoping that if anyone saw me I could die on the spot, I was too embarrassed to even see a glimpse of someone. Somehow I made it out to the car without anyone seeing me and I text my mom letting her know I was in the car. Moments later they came out and we drove home in silence. I could see the worry and confusion on their faces, I guess no one told them what happened and I wasn't about to offer up any information.

As soon as we were at the house I ran and got my bike ignoring my parents as they asked where I was going. I knew I would worry them, but right now I needed to get away. I needed to be with him. I drove my bike faster then necessary through the rainy streets of Forks to the one place that I visited everyday without falter. The old sign over the chain link fence rattled with the words _"Fork's Cemetery" etched_ in it. I didn't even bother getting off my bike and walking through the Cemetery, I just rode the bike through it until I came to the small tombstone with the baby blue picked fence around it. A soaked blue teddy bear and flowers lined the tombstone. I sat with my knees against my chest at the end of the grave, just like every other day. The tears streamed down my face with the rain.

"My little EJ mommy misses you."


	3. Chapter 3 Breaking the Ice

******I do not own twilight or any of the characters, I just like to play puppet with them.**

**Chapter 3**

"**Breaking the Ice"**

**Edward's POV**

It was the beginning of a new week and I had been in this shit hole of a tiny town for five full days. I would of gone home by now, but my mother was guilt tripping me into staying. Though if I was completely honest that wasn't the only fucking reason, there was also a brunette that was running circles in my mind. I couldn't get this girl out of my head, not only did I want to fuck her, I wanted to know her. She was so intriguing and there was so many secrets behind those chocolate eyes, but I wasn't sure I wanted to know all of them.

I was fucking shocked when I saw her father walk into the game room on Thanksgiving day and when my father had sent me to get some wood for the fireplace I tried to sneak past the kitchen without being seen like a fucking pansy. I don't know why, but I didn't think I could control myself around Bella. I of course got busted sneaking past the kitchen and when I saw Bella I think I nearly jizzed in my boxers. She was wearing tight jeans that looked like they were painted on and a dark blue cotton sweater, that hugged every curve. She nervously started arranging spices on the counter and I watched her until my mother's voice sounded annoyed and she asked me to go and put the good china in the dinning room.

Then at dinner I couldn't help, but watch Bella. Everything about her was a mystery and for some unfathomable reason I wanted to solve her like a puzzle piece. I was very conscious that she still had a boyfriend, but I had convinced myself that they must not be very close if he wasn't with her on Thanksgiving. The stuff about the racecars only turned me on further, but it also worried me. She looked to fragile and small for such a dangerous sport, I wanted to step in and protect her. Which is something I had never felt before, then I could sense the tension between her and her father. Another mystery, I wanted to know what had really happened. The college story was buyable, but I knew there was more to it. Then I noticed something about her as she started arranging her place setting, she was a little OCD, at least when she was nervous. I fucking liked that. I was a little OCD myself, well at least when it came to business. Then there was the whole fuckery in the kitchen, that I am not sure what the fuck happened. It was something most people could laugh about, but somehow it wasn't fucking funny at all. I couldn't keep my dick in check which was embarrassing as hell, but damn her body was so perfect and warm. I couldn't help that she turned me on, she should be flattered by that, but I could see the tension it caused. She ran to the bathroom and I only saw a glimpse of her getting into her parents car after that. Now I was like an alcoholic needing a swig of Bella. I needed to see her again. My mother and Alice hadn't missed the sexual tension between Bella and I and they had been letting me have it everyday. Jasper was on leave so him and Alice were staying through the new year, which is what my mother was trying to get me to do also, but I didn't see it happening. Though if I could get to know Bella, it might be a different story. Ugh. I needed to get out of the house and clear my head, because I was thinking of this mysterious girl far to much. I had never though of a girl this much. I headed towards the front door when my moms voice called for me.

"Edward, dear?" She asked from the living room.

"Yes mom.." I said stepping into the living room surprised to see my mothers guest. "Mrs. Swan." I nodded smiling at her.

"Oh Edward, call me Renee." She said smiling back at me.

"Renee." I apologized.

"Were you going out?" My mother asked.

"Yeah I was just going to get some air." I admitted. Renee wasn't helping me not think about Bella, because she had the same texture hair and a lot of the same features as Bella.

"Do you think you could stop by the market for me?" She asked

"Yeah I guess, what do you need?" She grabbed a piece of paper with a list of items already written on it.

"I need to practice my chili recipe for the winter festival chili cook-off this weekend, so I need a few things. Do you mind?" She asked smiling charmingly.

"No of course not." I said taking the paper from her and kissing the top of her head.

"Thank you, dear." She said picking up her glass of warm tea.

"What a sweet boy." Renee said smiling at me as I left the room, I heard the two start gushing over how cute I was. I felt like a little boy again. What fucking man wanted to be called cute, but it was better then some of the other things I had been called.

I climbed into my old Volvo that I had drove in high school wondering why in hell my parents keep the piece of shit car. Ok so it wasn't that bad of a car, but compared to the cars I have had over the years it wasn't anything fancy. My current baby was a new Camero top of the line right off the show room floor.

It wasn't hard to get to the market, I had seen the tiny ass thing on my first day in town. Newton's, was a tiny store, probably family owned. I wondered if they even had all the stuff on my mom's list, the parking lot was surprisingly pretty full, was this like the hang out or something. As I started walking from my parking spot to the store, a long wave of chestnut hair caught my attention. Sure enough it was Bella, she was struggling with a few paper bags of groceries and there was a lanky boy-like-man just standing there like a dumb-ass talking and not helping. Douchbag. I sighed and took the opportunity that the universe presented to me.

"Let me get those for you." I said coming up behind Bella and grabbing a couple of the bags just before she dropped them. She looked startled at first, but then a small smile fought at the corner of her lips and a crimson blush colored her cheeks. Fucking exquisite.

"Thanks." She mumbled turning to unlock her car, which was my fucking dream car. It was a nineteen-sixty-nine Camaro SS convertible, sleek black, it was beautiful. Not as beautiful as the girl driving it, but beautiful all the same. Fucking pussy. The boy-man who had been speaking to Bella cleared his throat demanding attention, I looked at him arching my eyebrow.

"Bella, who is your friend?" The man asked and it was then that I noticed his name tag, _Mike_. He had to be in his mid to late twenties and he was working at a supermarket, sure his tag said '_manager_', but seriously boy grow up and get a real fucking job.

"Oh sorry. Mike this is Edward Cullen, Edward this is Mike Newton." She said taking one of the bags from me and placing it into the backseat of her car. Ha the losers family owned the store that made him working here even worse. He nodded at me looking me over and just to fuck with him I pushed my sleeves up revealing my ink as Bella emptied one arm of bags. For some reason it always made me look more intimidating and sure enough Mike looked intimidated.

"Well I will see you this weekend Bella." Mike said nervously and I suddenly felt anger that he knew with certainty when he would see this beautiful women again.

"Bye Mike." She said putting the last bag in her car. She turned around so that her back was to the inside of her car and rested a arm on the top of the door, which she wasn't much taller then. I saw her looking at my tats and she licked her lips as her eyes ran across them, I was almost sure I saw her hand twitch to touch them. I instantly wondered what it would feel like to have her hands on me. '_Snap out of it perv. Say something you are wasting time with her_.'

"So what is this weekend." I blurted out, then I wanted to slap myself for being such an idiot.

"Huh?" She asked startled and confused. Clean it up Cullen.

"Oh he said he would see you this weekend, I was wondering what was going on in this shit hole this weekend." Good one fuckup insult her town, but to my surprise she chuckled a little. It warmed my heart, even though it was kind of a sad chuckle.

"Nothing exciting that is for sure, just the Winter Festival Chili Cook-off." She said avoiding my eyes and she seemed extremely uncomfortable.

"Oh yeah my mom sent me to get some stuff for that." I said wondering when I turned into such a pussy, what happened to all my game. 'Cullen you sound like a fucking mama's boy.'

"Mine too." She said and there was another moment of awkward silence. "Well thanks again, I better get going." She said getting into her fuck-awesome car.

"Welcome." I should of shut my fucking mouth then, but now I couldn't let it go that easily. "By that way this car is badass." I said winking at her - yeah I fucking winked like a loser- she looked embarrassed for some reason so I figured it was time to shut the fuck up and let her leave already. "Well see you around." I said waving and walking away - almost getting hit by a car - yep buy me a fucking purse I was officially a full pledged pussy.

It didn't take me long to go through the tiny market and get all the things my mother asked for, but the problem came when I was heading for the checkout counter. The fake blonde looked awfully familiar and sure enough her nametag read '_Jessica_'. Just my fucking luck. I am not a chicken shit or anything, but I really didn't want her knowing that we were in the same town. I also suddenly felt guilty knowing that Bella could find out about me fucking a whore on a plane.

Stupid, I know, trust me.

There was a kid standing a few feet away from me and an idea occurred to me.

"Hey kid." I said whispering and stepping behind the isle out of Jessica's sight.

"Me?" Asked the kid whom was about ten or eleven.

"I will pay you a hundred bucks if you take this up to the counter and pay for it for me." I told him digging a hundred dollar bill out of my wallet.

"Are you some kind of perv or something?" The smartass kid asked staring at me, he reminded me of myself when I was younger and I wished I could go back in time and punch myself in the face.

"No, just do it kid." I said trying to hand him my basket and the money.

"Why?" He asked crossing his arms. Damn I had to pick the most annoying and stubborn kid in the store.

"Do you wanna make a hundred bucks or what?" I asked gritting my teeth in frustration.

"Russell come here." A women with red hair tied up into a tidy bun and a blue jean dress said with her hands on her hips and weary green eyes. She pulled the boy to her side and stared me down, but didn't look into my eyes. I realized that my tats were still showing so she was probably making assumptions about me. Damn now I would be known as the town perv, trying to pay off little boys. I took a deep breath and headed for the checkout counter, Jessica was busy reading a magazine and didn't even look up as she started scanning my items. I turned slightly so that when she did look up she may not notice me, yes I was being a big puss, but seriously this girl screamed clingy. Plus my parents lived here, people looked up to them, I didn't want to be the one to fuck that up. _'There you go make excuses.'_ I told myself.

"Thirty-six fifty." Jessica said blowing a big bubble still staring at her magazine, maybe I could get out of her before she lost interest in whatever tabloid she was reading. I swiped my card through the machine and punched in my pen number, then reached for my bags. Just as I was about to make it out..

"Hey it is you." She said pointing a finger at me and smiling flirtatiously.

Glad my words got through to her.

Heavy Sarcasm.

I just nodded to her and headed out the door making a break for it. Maybe it was time to get out of this twilight-zone town.

* * *

The rest of the week passed in such fashion; Dreamed of Bella, woke with a massive hard-on, yanked it in the shower, hung out with Alice, Jasper, and my parents, and thought of Bella. The only productive thing I did this weak was locate a small section in the house where my phone had service. All of my business was taken care of and to be honest there wasn't much more I could do until all the plans went through for my new place. That could take weeks, maybe even months with the holidays. _'Making excuses again, pansy.'_

"Edward you can't wear that." Alice complained taking in my attire.

"Why the hell not?" I asked looking over myself.

"This is a winter festival not the BET awards." She complained looking over my loose low rise jeans and my favorite oversized hoodie. Sure it wasn't my usual style, but it was cold as fuck here and these cloths kept the heat in. Alice sighed and started pulling me back up to my room and picking out something she deemed wearable. I obeyed, because the pixy would just argue my fucking ear off if I didn't.

I ended up wearing a pair of dark faded jeans not too tight, not to loose, a black long sleeve shirt and my leather jacket over it. I had to admit that it made me look a little less like a thug then the oversized cloths. The thug style wasn't for me, but I fucking loved those pants and that hoodie.

My parents had left and hour ahead of Jasper, Alice, and I to set up their station. I had never been to a small town event like this so I wasn't sure what to expect and in all truth I wouldn't be going if I didn't know that Bella would be there. Yes I was becoming one of those guys, but honestly she was the focal point in my sex dreams, so of course I wanted to see her. Plus what guy doesn't want to solve a mystery and that was what Bella was one big fucking mystery.

Jasper drove fast through the streets and the lights passed by quickly, we all had kind of a lead foot so it didn't bother me. Jasper and I drove identical to each other so I didn't worry when he was behind the wheel. Usually I don't let anyone drive me, but my brothers were the exception.

Alice walked with her hand looped through Jasper's ahead of me and you could almost feel the love coming off the two of them. She looked up to him and he leaned over and kissed her forehead, suddenly the figures in front of me changed. Alice was Bella and I was Jasper, I could see it plan as day and for some reason it didn't make me want to puke like it usually would. What was this girl I had seen a total of three times doing to me? I looked away from Jasper and Alice, taking in the town square. There were booths and tables set up all around, music was playing through speakers scattered about. Christmas lights were strung up and a huge Christmas tree took up the middle of the square near the Court House. It looked like the whole town of Fork's was here. We came upon my parents at their booth and stationed right next to them was the Swan family. Carlisle, Esme, Renee, and Charlie all sat in lawn chairs towards the middle of their stations so they were seated next to each other. Bella wasn't anywhere to be seen, but there was two empty chairs next to her parents. I assumed one of them was hers, which meant the other one was probably her boyfriends.

'_What the fuck was I thinking coming here?'_

'_Oh right I am a pussy, got it.'_

"Hey kids grab a chair." My dad said gesturing to a stack of lawn chairs, I followed Jasper over, he grabbed one for Alice and himself and I grabbed one for me. We positioned them so that we would be in hearing and talking distance to their small group.

"So what do you kids think of the festival so far?" Charlie asked taking a drink of what appeared to be coffee or hot chocolate.

"It is awesome, I love the small town charm." Alice gushed batting her eyes at Jasper hinting. He smiled down at her, he knew she wanted to move to a small town and start a family. He still had a year left in the military and I knew he would love to reenlist, but it looked like Alice didn't want that to happen.

My mother served us all up some hot chocolate and I sat listening and watching my parents interact with Renee and Charlie. They all seemed to be really close, closer then I thought. We were all momentarily distracted by the most beautiful laugh as the guy from the shop came into the little station with Bella thrown over his shoulder.

"Jacob Black you put me down right now or I am going to kick your fucking fat…" She didn't finish he sat her down chuckling lightly. She reached up to hit him, but he caught her hand and held it tight to his face grinning at her like a love sick puppy. I turned my head away from them feeling anger rush through me, I was surprised that my cloths didn't rip off and my body didn't turn green.

"Well you two look like your having fun." Renee said sounding surprised.

"If you consider fun being tortured by massive overgrown dog." Bella teased spitting the words at the men I now knew as Jacob. Everyone laughed at her and I turned to look back at her, she was glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. She gave me a small smile, seeming involuntary and it was then that I realized I was smiling at her. Damn she could make me go from hulk mad to little kid happy in half a second, this girl was incredible. The announcer called for the chili cook-off to begin and the judges started making their rounds. As the night went on I noticed something that kind of bothered me, it seemed like everyone was watching Bella. Yes I know I was watching her also, but they were watching her in a different way. It was like they were all watching for something specific or waiting for something. She seemed to be aware of this and I had the feeling that some of her emotions were faked. Her chocolate eyes were like a open book of emotions, but the emotions she was portraying physically didn't match the underlying emotions in her beautiful eyes. On the outside she was feigning contentment, happiness, and socializing, but in those chocolate eyes I could see a twisted tornado of sadness, grief, and a world of pain. The pain almost seemed crippling, but she wasn't letting it show enough for me to asset it fully. I wanted to kill who ever caused those strong emotions in her. I was having trouble understanding why someone so young and beautiful was so miserable under the surface.

Carlisle made all of us try a bowl of Charlie's chili, we had tried our mothers before many times. I was about to take a bite of Charlie's chili when Jacob voice stopped me.

"You better have some water handy Charlie's chili will put hair on your chest." He joked.

"I think I can handle it." I said being a macho ass. I saw Bella's lips pull up a little on the corners and if it was the last thing I did in this world I was going to get that girl to smile, a real smile. She watched me as I took the first bite, actually everyone was watching me, but my eyes were on Bella. At first it was a little spicy, but nothing unbearable. "It is good." I said smiling and scooping in another bite, they all chuckled like they knew something I didn't. After the fourth bite my mouth was on fire and that shit was cleaning me out. My eyes started running and I probably looked like I was crying.

"Shit what is in this?" I asked setting down the bowl of fire and opening the ice chests looking for some water, everyone started laughing hysterically at me. Seriously was it that funny.

"Secret family recipe." Charlie said proudly.

"What pure jalapeño's?" I asked trying to let the cool air outside cool my burning tongue.

I was trudging through the ice chest not having much luck for some water, everyone was still chuckling at me like asses, then a small pale hand reached out with a water bottle under its grasp. I looked up to be greeted with Bella's beautiful face. A small smile on her plump lips, I wanted to stare at her longer, but I needed a fucking drink. I felt like I could breath fire, I took the bottle from her feeling a slight tingle where our hands meet.

'_What the fuck was that?' _Oh well I don't have the concentration to analyze it.

I gulped down the water, then thanked her. Feeling a little better, but not fully quenched. It was like putting a small drizzle on a forest fire. Though I ignored the fire on my tongue and in my throat to look into Bella's eyes, it was like she was looking into my soul. She finally looked away, blushing.

I was very aware of Jacob looking between Bella and I, his expression worried and anxious.

The chili cook-off ended with Charlie winning the spiciest category -fucking worthy of that title- and my mom won best original recipe, we were in the process of helping them clean up when they told us to get lost.

"Hey do you two want to hang out?" Alice asked Bella and Jacob. I really wanted more time around Bella, but I wasn't fond of the idea of her boyfriend tagging along. Bella looked up at Jacob unsure and he looked down at her as if they were having a private conversation. The green monster of jealousy roared inside of me, I wanted to be the one who was having a silent conversation with her.

"Sure." Jacob said shrugging his shoulders and I cringed, but rejoiced at the same time.

"What is there to do around here other then chili cook-offs?" Jasper asked teasingly. Alice elbowed him and he smiled down at her, obviously doing it on purpose.

"Well we usually hang out at the beach or the garage, not much else to do." Jacob shrugged and Bella kept her eyes down kicking invisible rocks.

"It is a little cold for the beach, don't you think?" I asked as a statement.

"Not when you have a fire or if you are used to this weather." Jacob retorted.

"The beach it is." Alice said excited and heading for Jasper's car.

"I call driver." Jacob yelled running towards the Camero I saw Bella in the other day.

"Doubt it." She yelled after him shooting a quick glance at me which I am sure she didn't want me to see. Jacob sighed and went over to the passenger side. I chuckled, Bella had a feisty side to her and I wanted to see more of it. Like the first day in the garage, she looks so innocent, but I knew she had a wild side. I climbed into Jasper's car and we followed behind Bella.

'_Oh how I would love to take Bella from behind, hell I would love to take her anyway.'_

"Someone is in love." Alice said teasingly breaking my train of thoughts and sticking her pixy head between the seats at me smiling.

"What-the-fuck-ever." I said pushing her face back to the front of the car, she laughed and Jasper joined in.

"It is true little brother I have never seen you look at a girl like that before."

"Asshole." I muttered crossing my arms on my chest getting pissed.

"I think she likes you too." Alice said ignoring my pissed off posture.

"I think you need your eyes checked, did you not see her boyfriend?" I asked feeling defeated more then angry.

"I don't think Jacob is her boyfriend." Alice said shaking her head. I scoffed.

"What makes you say that, did you not see them?" I asked with a little hope that he wasn't her boyfriend, but I knew different.

"Trust me if they were a couple I would know it." Alice said bringing her hand to her chest. "First of all did you see them kiss once?" She asked staring at me smugly.

"Maybe they aren't into PDA." I said trying not to hope.

"Ok, but they didn't even having any kind of contact other then the playful banter when they first came over to us." Alice argued.

"Fuck. Probably uncomfortable with everyone watching them." I argued right back, Alice sighed frustrated.

"I got one." Jasper said holding up one finger with the other hand still on the steering wheel.

"Shoot." I said now just seeing this all as a fuck-with-Edward game.

"How come he didn't kick your ass for looking at his girl like that?" Jasper asked snickering. '_Was I that fucking obvious?'_

"Even tempered." I suggested shrugging, Jasper raised his eyebrow at me in the rearview mirror.

"Whatever little brother." Jasper said shaking his head and grabbing a hold of Alice's hand placing a small kiss to it. Luckily they dropped the topic after that.

We followed Bella off of the road and onto a rocky surface and came to a stop. It was too dark to see the ocean, but as we opened the doors I could feel and smell the sea breeze.

"Follow us." Jacob said gesturing to us. He placed his arm over Bella's shoulders and pulled her close to his side blocking the wind. Not her boyfriend my ass, I caught up with Alice and Jasper.

"Exhibit A." I said nodding to Bella and Jacob's figures in the dark.

"Are you saying every time you have had your arm on Alice's shoulders it was more then brotherly, because if that is the case you have a couple of ass kicking's coming your way." Jasper said leaning in front of Alice to look at me.

"Don't be ridiculous." I paused. "You couldn't kick my ass." I finished shaking my head, sure enough he let loose of Alice and came after me raising his leg to kick me in the ass, I grabbed his ankle. "Nice try big brother looks like the military hasn't done you any good." I laughed and he chuckled darkly.

"Just wait." He threatened. About that time we came up over a small hill and could make out the beach. There were two small fires side by side already lit and I could see a few people crowded around them. Jacob detoured and headed towards them, we caught up so that we were walking next to Bella, Jacob a little bit ahead.

"Who are these kids?" Alice asked Bella.

"Some kids from La Push." She said quietly looking like she didn't really want to go over there.

"Jake, Bella." The kids yelled as we got into site. Jacob started talking to them and introduced us, the kids around the fire had to still be in high school. I felt a little bothered as I saw pity in their eyes when they looked at Bella. Something had happened and everyone seemed to know about it. Or was it because they knew he mother was very sick.

We all stood there waiting for Jacob to finish speaking with the boys and I casually glanced at Bella and she looked sad and lost in thought. When she saw me looking at her she changed her expression, she hide from me. I realized she hides from everyone.

After a moment Jacob told them he would see them later and then lead us a little ways down the beach to our own little spot. There were three logs in a U shape around a fire pit. Jacob grabbed a couple of logs and threw them into the pit. Bella sat on the middle log, Alice and Jasper on the left log and I sat alone on the right log as close to Bella's log as possible, without actually being on her log. Jacob lit the fire and then took a seat next to Bella. I had my hands shoved deep in my pockets as the brisk wind hit me. The fire was crackling green, blue, and a strange teal color, it was very beautiful. I was trying to keep my eyes off Bella, but I failed. She looked amazing in the light of the fire and the moon. I added beach sex to my mental list of ways I wanted to fuck her. So far I had 1) the hood of her racecar, 2) the kitchen counter, 3) beach sex, and 4) in a bed like a gentlemen, I knew it would never happen, but a guy can dream. Oh and did I dream, every night of Bella's sexy ass in my vice grip whispering my name.

"Edward." I heard Alice call and looked up to see everyone staring at me. Alice, Jasper, and Jacob were standing up next to the fire.

"Huh?" I questioned oblivious to what was going on.

"Do you want to go to the tidal pools?" Alice asked me sounding amused. Since I had a serious hard-on going I figured I better stayed seated.

"Nah, I think I will stay here." I said looking back at the fire. I was surprised when Bella stayed seated and didn't get up to follow them.

"You sure you don't want to come? I will carry you." Jacob asked Bella looking uneasy about leaving her, what did he think I would molest her or something, asshole.

"Go ahead, I will be fine." She assured him, he gave her a weak smile and then lead the way towards the forest along the beach.

Bella and I sat in silence for a moment and when I snuck a peak at her I caught her looking at me.

"Beautiful." The word just slipped from my lips and I nodded at the fire pretending to be talking about it. Bella chuckled a little. "What?" I asked turning my body to face her, she did the same. Had she caught my slip?

"Nothing, it is beautiful." She agreed glancing back at the fire, I was sure I could see a little blush on her cheeks. Did that mean she caught me or not? It was silent once again, although it wasn't awkward I still wanted to break it and hear her voice.

"I don't think your boyfriend likes me." I said trying to start any type of conversation, but then realizing that was a little to forward and presumptions. I was being such a dick.

She stared at me looking confused for a moment, then it was like something clicked. "Oh you mean Jake?" She questioned, then laughed at me. Who did she think I meant? How many boyfriends does this girl have? "Jake's not my boyfriend." She added shaking her head, I tried my dandiest to keep the relief and joy off my face.

"Does he know that?" I asked chuckling and wanting to do a gay little happy dance. She sighed.

"Yeah he knows." Getting stuff out of her was like trying to cut a steak with a butter knife. Slow and aggravating.

"Is the Camero yours?" I asked watching her face, it lit up a little at the new topic at hand.

"Yep." Damn her and her one word answers.

"It is a badass car, where did you find it?" I asked wanting to know something about her, anything. She paused and chuckled a little before answering.

"The junk yard in Hoquiam." She said slightly smiling. Wow she found that car in a junk yard and then after a moment of thought my brain caught up.

"You built that?" I asked pointing at the car that wasn't visible from here. I couldn't hide the amazement in my voice.

"Yep from the ground up." She sighed sounding embarrassed.

"Wow." Was all I could say at the moment, because I wanted to fuck this girl into oblivion. She was fucking amazing and I hadn't even began to crack the surface.

"It isn't that big of a deal." She shrugged. Modest.

"What do you mean it isn't that big of a deal you built a freaking car? A badass one at that." I said still amazed by her.

"Well if you want to get technical I have built three cars, but who's counting." She was smiling at me and God did I love her smile. It didn't reach her eyes, but it was a start.

We suddenly got launched into a conversation, I was doing most of the talking trying to pull facts about herself from her, but it was fucking hard. This girl was locked down like Fort Knox's, but no matter how hard it was I would talk to her all night. She told me about how her grandpa and dad started teaching her about cars when she was five, then she built one with her dad at thirteen. Then she built three alone from the time she was fifteen to eighteen, then she was building one now. The conversation was flowing easily until I fucked it up.

"So why did you wait until now to start racing again?" I asked like the dumb-fuck I was. She looked out into the ocean and I could see her thoughts were no longer here, she didn't answer me and I didn't say anymore. I could see moisture in her eyes and I wanted to kick myself in the ass.

I heard something in the distance and could see Jasper, Alice, and Jacob making their way back to us. They were laughing and carrying along like they had known each other forever, but Jacob's laughter came to a halt when he saw Bella's face. He glared at me, as did Alice and Jasper, I just shrugged innocently. Bella's body was stiff and I couldn't see into her eyes, but I was sure that she was really upset. Though as soon as Jacob's large hands touched her arm, her body relaxed a little and she seemed calmer. He whispered to her just as he had that day in the garage. Once again anger spread through me, because I was jealous of him. I wanted to be the one to make her pain go away, I wanted to whisper to her, but no I was the one who brought on the pain. I had no idea how I had, but I did.

"Ready to head home?" Alice asked looking anxiously at Bella, then to me for an answer.

"Uh yeah sure." I said running my hand through my hair feeling guilty and uncomfortable.

We all made our way up to where the cars were and as we turned to say goodbye to Bella and Jacob I was at a lost for words. In the dim light of the moon I saw so many emotions in those chocolate eyes that I thought I was going to be sick. There was anger, sadness, grief, fear, anxiety, and most of all pain. The pain was the dominate emotion and she had her arms around her chest like she was trying to hold herself together. Jacob looked at her with sympathy and pity, like how I had seen my father look at someone who had just lost a loved one.

At that moment looking into those chocolate eyes I wanted to sweep in and save her from the pain. I barely knew Bella Swan, but I wanted to be her everything and take away her pain. It was no longer about fucking her -even though I wanted to do that also-, but it was more then that, so much more.


	4. Chapter 4 Breakdown

**Chapter 4**

"**Breakdown"**

**Bella's POV**

_Torture._

_Agony._

_Anguish._

_Heartache._

All come back to mean the same thing _sever pain._ I could feel something in me trying to change, but I wouldn't allow it, I didn't deserve it. I deserved this torture, just as _he_ deserved to live.

At the cook-off I felt myself feeling light and even laughing with Jacob, almost an all-natural laugh. I tried to figure out why my heart was feeling light on this night and it all came back to one thing. Edward Cullen. I knew he would be at the cook-off and for some reason it eased me. There was something about his demeanor that calmed me and made me feel all warm and fuzzy. Though it didn't ease all of my pain it was kind of just a sedative making me feel a little less of the usual intense agony.

I couldn't allow him to do that to me -ease the pain-, I had to get myself in check. This pain I felt would last a life time and I needed it to last, because I was afraid. Afraid that if the pain left then the memories would go with it and I couldn't forget my little EJ. He saved me, even though I couldn't save him. I had to stop there, it was getting harder to breath and my hands shook uncontrollably in my lap. I curled up and pulled my knees to my chest and put my head on them, trying to hold myself together. I glanced at the clock it was four A.M., I guess this was going to be another sleepless night. I took deep shallow breaths to calm myself, hoping I could lay back and get a little sleep, even if it was full of impractical dreams and horrid nightmares. Once my breath was steady and my head no longer felt light, I laid back on my bed clearing my busy mind.

I tried not to think of anything at all, but it wasn't possible to keep all thoughts from occurring.

_I sat on the log looking out into the ocean extremely aware of Edward next to me. There was the warm and fuzzy feeling swimming in my stomach. I wanted to reach over and touch him, but settled for looking at him, his strong jaw line and perfect features were even more dominate in the light from the fire. He was too perfect, then his jade eyes were on me and I was caught admiring his beauty. The word 'beautiful' fell from his perfect lips and I couldn't hold back a slightly nervous chuckle. It was just so strange to hear a man say the word beautiful. All the guys I knew were more into words like sexy, fly, hot, cool, and dope. I rather liked Edward's vocabulary even though I had not heard him speak that much. I could already tell he had somewhat a potty mouth, but so could I at times. I couldn't help, but laugh at the idea of him thinking Jacob was my boyfriend, because Jacob was like a brother to me. Then he asked me about my car and I was slightly embarrassed to admit to him that I had built it, that would intimidate most guys, but he seemed impressed by it. Not sure why I should really care what he thinks, but I did._

_I kept my answers short and let him supply the conversation, something was pulling at me willing me to speak more openly to him, but I fought that urge back. I rather enjoyed hearing his voice and would let him talk all night if he wanted to. It was all going good and I felt lighter and lighter the more he talked, but then he had to ask the question that sent my mind somewhere not so peaceful. _

"_So why did you wait until now to start racing again?" Although his voice was calm and smooth I couldn't keep my thoughts on just answering the damn question. My thoughts reverted back to my days- short days- away at college. About the fallout I had with my dad about going away for college, the disappointment in his eyes, the betrayal. My days that all ran together like a bad dream, Felix, Demetri, and Jane's faces assaulted me along with the line of white powder in front of me. My reflection looking back from the glass that it was on, my hair a mess, my eyes naïve and timid………._

_Luckily Jacob's thoughts penetrated me and brought me back from the memories hunting me. _

"_Warm soda's, exhaust, and master cylinders." He said in my ear bringing me to happier thoughts. Ones of us when we were just a couple kids in my dads garage. It was enough for me to reign myself in and not have a total breakdown, but it didn't dissolve the pain. Jacob wasn't strong enough to dissolve the pain -no one was-, he was just like a heating pad soothing the pain a little, letting me stay in control a little longer. _

The clock now read six and it was time for me to get ready for another day, I hadn't got any sleep and my mind was fogged with all the memories and pain. I was in a zombie state ignoring my thoughts and trying to ignore the pain in my chest, but that wasn't fully possible. The next thing I knew I was standing in my fathers garage looking at my racecar. I missed racing, I guess, it was hard to really miss anything besides the one I had lost three years ago. I think I more then anything wanted to feel that feeling that I felt when I was younger, the feeling of being free, the feeling of speed. I was getting closer to finishing the car completely, but I was taking my time now, because I was scared that I wouldn't feel the same freedom as before. Trying to calm my rambling thoughts and ease my mind I began reorganizing my toolbox.

It didn't help, because it was already perfectly arranged.

"_Mommy wook me tois." EJ exclaimed_ _sitting next to his small toy shelf with all his little toys lined up biggest to smallest. My OCD tendencies rubbing off on him at only two, he was such a smart little boy._

I snapped back from reality punching my large red toolbox and it rolled into the metal walls, but I wasn't done yet. I knocked it to the ground knocking the tools across the floor, now in a large unorganized mess.

"Bella." The horrified voice of my father came from behind me, I couldn't turn around to face him. The tears were streaming down my cheeks and the itch of need was taking over me. I slumped to the floor and started picking the tools up, making myself numb to all feelings on the outside, but on the inside I was being torn apart. I could feel Charlie's eyes on me, but I didn't glance at him. I didn't want to see the concern, heartbreak, and disappointment that was sure to be there.

I was on the final drawer placing my screwdrivers in order of smallest to largest, flathead to Philips, and dark colors to light. I made sure each one had the same amount of space between them as the others. When I finished I closed the drawer and let out a heavy sigh, I then went into the locker room and washed my tear stained face off pulled my hair into a pony tail, pulled my coveralls over my cloths, grabbed a bandage and wrapped my scathed hand and walked back into the garage.

'_Lets try this one more time.'_ I thought to myself as I stared at my racecar and didn't bother looking around the shop, I didn't want to meet my fathers worried gaze. I am not sure how long I stood there staring at my car and not real sure if anything at all was running through my mind.

"I don't think it is going to finish itself." Edward. I heard his velvety voice -sounding amused- break through my resolve and I turned, jumping in surprise at the close proximity of his face to mine. Just as my face came into full view of him his crooked smile disappeared and worry lines appeared on his perfect face.

"Are you ok?" He asked in almost a whisper.

"I'm good." I said the words I had said a thousand times, always a lie. He didn't look convinced and I suddenly felt uncomfortable under his jade eyes. It was like he was looking into my soul, pulling all my secrets to the surface. I looked away from him to see Alice and Jasper over talking to my dad, Alice waved at me looking bubbly like usual. I waved back and tried to give her a small smile, when I looked back at Edward he looked deep in thought.

"What is that?" I asked nodding to the red car in his hand, he regained himself and held it up to me.

"It is an invite to my parents annual Christmas party. My mother thought hand delivered invites this year were more considerate." He waved his hands as he spook and rolled his eyes as he talked about his mother, something was off. His cool demeanor was different then usual, he seemed nervous.

"Oh thanks." I said taking the envelope, suddenly his other hand gripped my arm not letting me pull my hand back.

"What happened?" He asked sounding concerned as he turned my hand over and examined the bandage on my hand. Umm shit.

"I fell." I said ripping my hand from his grip, he looked into my eyes and I had to look away quickly.

"Maybe Jasper should have a look at it." He suggested about to wave Jasper over.

"Umm no I am fine seriously." I said quickly, he let it drop. There was an awkward silence and I could see he didn't buy m y story. "So party." I said shaking the envelope, I wanted to just change the subject, but my voice wasn't very convincing about the idea of the party.

"You sound real excited." He said chuckling sadly with heavy sarcasm. I also chuckled, but nervously.

"Yep." I said sounding tortured by the idea. The Cullen's Christmas party was always huge, everyone in town attended them. Everyone that knew me, everyone that knew some of my secrets, well most of them actually.

"Well I hope I see you there." Edward said apparently thinking that I meant I wouldn't be there. Wait, did he say he wanted me there? My cheeks burned with the fire of blush and I couldn't meet his eyes. The warm fuzzy feeling was running circus through me and I had to find something to say.

"I am sure I will be there." _Because you want to see Edward. No. Because my mother would beg me to go_, _because Esme was her best friend and I would go to please Renee. _She was the reason why I was here, why I was trying to make it through the day. Well her, dad, and Jake.

"Hey Bella." Alice said finished speaking to my father and making her way over to me and Edward.

"Hi." I said nodding to her and then Jasper.

"I see Edward gave you your invite."

"Yep." I said raising the envelope a little in conformation. I saw her also eye my bandage, but she didn't say anything about it. Thankfully.

"I was going to ask if you would like to come with Esme and I shopping. We are going to be getting new dresses and stuff for the party." Alice asked sounding extremely hopeful. I didn't want to turn her down, but I knew that the holidays were the hardest time for me to keep it together. It would be best for me to keep it close to home.

"I don't know." I said trying to find the right words to let her down easy. I liked Alice she was nice and like a breath of fresh air.

"Ok well we aren't going until Saturday so you have time to change your mind." I liked that she didn't push me, because I could tell she was usually the type of person to push, but she didn't.

"Hey guys." Jacob's deep voice boomed through the garage and he came over and pounded his fist with Jasper's and smiled at Alice. He didn't even seem to really acknowledge Edward, I guess Edward had been right, Jacob didn't seem to like him. This was strange to me, Jacob liked everyone. Well almost everyone, but Edward wasn't anything like the people Jacob hated. Edward was kind, a gentlemen, perfect. _Shit Isabella get a grip on reality._

I listened as Alice gave Jacob his invite and he told her to count him in and I was glad he would be there by my side.

"It sucks that we don't have a reason to hang out again until then, I had a good time the other night." Jacob said talking to Jasper, they had seemed to hit it off.

"We don't need a reason to hang out." Jasper said shaking his head. "I am sure we can work something out."

"Oh how about this Saturday night." Alice chimed getting a twinkle in her eye and excitement radiated off of her. "We could watch Christmas movies, eat flavored popcorn, drink coco, it will be a blast."

"Sounds good." Jacob said smiling, then they all turned to look at me. Damn it.

"Bella please say you will come." Alice asked giving me this horrible sad eyed look, that made me want to make her smile again.

"Sure, sure." I said shrugging my shoulders. I saw a small smile play on Edward's lips from the corner of my eye. It made me feel warm knowing he wanted me there.

"Great, well we have like a ton more invites to hand out so we better get going." Alice said clapping her hands together. "See you Saturday." She called over her shoulder as Jacob began to walk her and Jasper out to their car.

"I guess you better get back to work on that car if we are ever going to get to see the amazing Miss Swan race." Edward said smirking at me in the sexiest way. I closed my eyes trying to not think of him as sexy.

"Bella?" Edward questioned his voice laced with concern, I opened my eyes. His face matched his voice, he must think I am a nut case. Well I guess in truth I am.

"Yeah, work." I said nodding my head and looking towards my car.

"See you Saturday then." He said giving me an encouraging smile.

"Saturday." I repeated and he hesitantly turned to leave, I turned to stare at my car once again. Suddenly the warm and fuzzy feeling was gone, the numbness was gone. All that was left was pain, anxiety, and a unfamiliar feeling that I couldn't quite place.

"Hey, how you doing?" Jacob's husky voice asked as his huge hand gently rubbed my upper arm, I looked over at him suddenly feeling extremely overwhelmed. "Hey what is it?" He asked once he could see my face, he pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me protectively.

"I need to go." I said pulling away from him and avoiding his face.

"Wait Bella. I will drive you." Jacob yelled after me as I ran for my bike. I always drove my bike to work, unless it was pouring outside. I just liked the way my bike seemed to calm me, the buzz, the cool wind, and on most days the mist.

"I will be fine, call you later." I yelled back so he wouldn't follow, because he knew where I was going. It was the place I always ran too.

I hoped on my bike and stomped it to life taking off before the engine even winded down from starting it. I hit the top speed of the bike within minutes and soared down the highway. The wind beat me and I realized that I had forgot my helmet, but I didn't care. The wind and mist beat at my eyes and they watered painfully. I didn't pay attention to the cars around me I just weaved in and out of traffic in my rush. I think at one point I passed three cars at once. If I died today on my bike it wouldn't matter so much, would it. I knew it would hurt my mother, father, and Jacob, but maybe just maybe I would be with EJ again. I tried to go faster as his name slipped into my thoughts and a sob rose up my throat. That memory slipping through earlier was too much. The bike groaned in protest already maxed out in speed, I could feel the presence of the cemetery before I could see it. I tossed my bike down at the gate since it was closed today and continued into the cemetery on foot. My pace quickened and I tripped a few times, but as I got to the blue picked fence I felt like I was home. I collapsed at his grave, the place where his small body would rest forever, never grow, never speak, never play, and never call me 'mommy' again. It has been three miserable years, but it still feels like yesterday. Since I am already on the verge and over due for a mental breakdown I let memories assault me.

_The day Ethan Jacob Swan was born, a little blue toboggan on his small head. The first sound to exit his small frame a high pitched strong cry -despite the doctors concerns. His chubby little cheeks, his first smile and the way dimples appeared at the corner of his mouth. His tiny fingers and the way they clanged to my finger so tightly. _A painful sob rocks through my body, tears rage out of me.

_All of his first in his short little life flashed like an old film projector behind my eyelids. _

Darkness took over and I feel unconscious, the pain was too much, my body and mind shut down. I am not sure how long I was unconscious, but I could feel my cloths soaked, cold, and sticking to me. Living was too painful, dying had to be easier, then this. My chest was crushed and broken into a million pieces, I could feel nothing, but crippling pain.

"_Don't give up, please." _The voice of an angel broke into my mind and I knew it was just my subconscious, but it soothed me. _"Things will get better."_ It was the voice of my EJ and it hurt so bad to hear his voice, but I wished he was right.

'"_I don't want to spend another day without you." _I told him not caring how painful it will be later after talking to him like this.

"_Please." _EJ's voice pleaded with me.

"_Why?"_ I questioned just wanting to hear his voice a little longer.

"_Because he loves you."_

Then just like that the voice was gone and I felt the ground come out from under me. I felt warm strong arms carrying me through the cold rain. I reluctantly opened my eyes once I was sure EJ's voice was lost and Edward's perfect face and jade eyes stared me down.

"It is going to be ok, Bella." The voice didn't match the face, then suddenly Edward's perfect face disappeared and I was staring up at Jacob.

Was I going crazy?

_Talking to the deceased? _Yep.

_Deceased talking back? _Yes.

_Seeing things? _Yes

It was official I had lost my mind and my sanity, my family should have me committed.

**Tuesday.**

**Wednesday.**

**Thursday.**

My eyes fluttered open and they were achy. My head was swimming with grogginess, I had the feeling that I had been asleep for quite awhile. I heard Charlie's deep snores coming from the corner of my room where he sat in my rocking chair. I sighed and groggily looked over at my clock to see that it was one AM, on which day I was not sure. I tried to get up quietly, because my bladder was about to explode, but I knocked something off my nightstand, cell phone. Charlie stirred in his sleep and his snores stopped short.

"Bella?" He questioned groggily and flipped the overhead light on.

"Ouch." I groaned raising my arm to block the harsh light.

"Sorry." He mumbled, but didn't turn the light off. After both of our eyes adjusted and I removed my arm, I saw Charlie staring at me, waiting. He looked hesitant and unsure as to what he wanted to say.

"I am going to be ok dad." I said in a hoarse voice, he didn't look convinced.

"Bella." He took a deep breath, here it comes. "When Jake brought you home you looked dead, almost as bad as before." We both flinched when he mention 'before'. Not one of my proudest moments. "You scared the shit out of us, your mother cried for hours. Bella you can't keep doing this to us, to yourself." He paused and I could both see and feel all the pain I had caused them. "I think you need to talk to someone, like a shrink or something." I sighed. Here we go again.

"I can't." Was all I said.

"Bella, please. You are not the only one who lost him. We lost a grandson and honestly we lost our daughter also. Please if not for yourself, for your mother, for Jacob, for me." His voice was pleading and I felt immense guilt among other things.

"Ok dad I will try and talk to someone." I meant every word of it, but I didn't tell him when I would do it. It had been three years and I still couldn't talk about it, who knew how long it would be before I could.

He kissed my head sighing hard, then turned to leave my room.

"Oh dad." He turned and looked at me. "What day is it, how long was I.." There was no need to finish.

"It is Thursday night or rather Friday morning I guess. Dr. Gerandy had to give you a sedative."

"Oh." Was all I could say. Now I was sure the whole town would know about this, Dr. Gerandy's wife was the biggest town gossip around. I sighed and went to the bathroom, barely making it in time.

I laid in my bed unable to sleep anymore and tried to think of who and how I could talk to someone. I didn't think it would really help, it would probably just send me into another mental breakdown. I waited to get out of bed until I heard movement in the house, then I showered and got dressed for the day. The good thing about a breakdown was that for a few days to weeks afterwards there was the comforting numbness. It was like for a little bit my mind protects me.

I was extremely light headed and realized it was from not eating for three days. I made my way down stairs after making sure I looked presentable, but that was a little hard to do with my weak appearance. My mom was standing in the kitchen putting some pancakes on the table, she looked at me as I entered. I could see the worry lines in her face and the dark hollows under her eyes. She looked at me with pity and fear, fear that she was losing her only child.

I walked over and embraced her in a tight hug trying to protect her from pain. Ironic I know me trying to protect someone from pain, but I had caused this pain I needed to ease it.

"I am sorry mom."

"Please don't do that to me again Bella. I need you." I nodded in agreement not trusting my voice to speak, she released me and ordered me to take a seat and eat. I started out with a piece of toast not wanting to overwhelm my stomach, then after I was sure it was safe I ate a few pancakes, light on the syrup.

"Bella." My mother said as I finished my food, she waited for me to look at her. "I was hoping that you would go shopping with me, Esme, and Alice tomorrow. Get out of the house, I think it might help."

"Mom I just woke up this morning after being out of it for three days, do you really think I am up for shopping?" I asked.

"As long as we get some food in you, I think you will be fine. You need the air, stretch your stiff bones, please." She said staring me down with her green eyes.

"Sure mom." I agreed not wanting to let her down anymore then I already had. I took it easy eating about six small meals trying to get my energy back up. Jacob stopped by to check on me and the grief on his face only furthered my guilt. I hated that he had to save me again, it wasn't fair to him. I was sure those memories hunted him from all the times he saved me.

Esme and Alice came to get Renee and I at a little after ten AM the next morning. Esme smiled at me and didn't let on that she knew anything that had happened over the past few days, but I was sure my mom confided in her. Alice gave me a weak smile and I could see concern and pity swimming in her eyes. I hated it when people pitied me. _Well then stop being so pitiful. _My subconscious said annoyingly, luckily it was my voice not anyone else's in my head today. I willed myself to act like a normal person today and enjoy shopping with my mother and some friends.

It was easier then I thought. I laughed a few times and even smiled often. They force feed me two times during the trip, but I let them. Alice made shopping funny the way she would get so excited over a sale. I even saw her fight this girl for a pair of shoes, it was very amusing. I also enjoyed her debates with herself out loud. She was clutching to a pair of heels talking to herself, I listened amused.

"Three hundred dollars is a steal for this brand. Surly Jasper will understand, I mean they normally run eight hundred." I thought it was insane to pay more then twenty dollars for shoes, but who was I to judge what is sane and what isn't. "I don't need them, but they would look great with my ruby dress." She pondered a little longer, then threw them on the counter. It had been the same way with everything she touched today, in the end she always got whatever it was she was debating on.

I didn't leave empty handed either Alice had forced a couple new outfits on me and even a dress for the Christmas party. Also to add to the list three new pairs of shoes, a new jacket, and three bottles of perfume. Plus a big bag of makeup that I will never use, then to even make me a little more agitated and uncomfortable she insisted on paying for it. I refused, but when I tried to pay she always got in the way or paid for it before I even made it to checkout.

We dropped my mom off at the house and most of my stuff, because Alice insisted that I just ride to her house with her and Esme, because we were still on for hanging out tonight. I put on one of my new outfits insisted by Alice that I do so. Alice dabbed some makeup on my face trying to bring my face to life a little, I didn't even look in the mirror to see if it helped. .com/cgi/set?id=9788332 Then we headed over to the Cullen's house, I was pretty nervous to say the least. I was sure they all would know at least a little about my melt down, it was hard enough facing Esme and Alice, much less the whole Cullen clan. I pulled out my cell to call Jacob.

"Everything alright?" Was the way he answered the phone, I sighed frustrated.

"Everything is fine." I said in an annoyed tone, can't anyone just start with a hello, instead of jumping to conclusions. _Well you did just have a mental breakdown a few days ago. My traitor mind argued. "I was just wondering about what time you are coming over to the Cullen's. I am with Alice right now on my way over there." _

"_Oh yeah about that." He paused. "Do you think you will be alright without me? My dad's bones are aching and he needs my help here at the house." Jake sounded like he felt really guilty._

"_Yeah, I will be fine. Do you need me to come and help?" I asked not feeling fine at all without him going, it made the tension that much worse._

"_No you go and have fun, you need it. Call me if you need me and watch out for the storm brewing." Jake said._

"_I will try, you too." I hung up the phone and let out a heavy sigh._

"_Jake isn't coming." Alice stated the obvious._

"_Nope." I answered looking out the window. The sky was dark and looked like something nasty was stirring and when we got out of the car the icy breeze nipped at me. _

_Inside I was comforted with a burst of warmth, there was a fire in the fire place and the heater had to be on full blast. I welcomed the warmth. Esme excused herself to the upper level in the house, bags in tote, Alice and I headed into the family room were Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward sat laughing around the fire. They all looked up at us as we entered, I could see it in their eyes they knew. How much they knew I didn't know, but they knew. _


	5. Chapter 5 The Thinnest Glass is the Most

**A/N: Hey guys I know you have a billion questions and in all honesty that was my plan. LOL. I do promise that soon I will answer all of your questions. Bella has been through a lot and it is a big deal fro her to reveal all of her secrets, nightmares, and pain. **

**I do not own Twilight or any of it's fucking awesome characters. I just like to play puppet with them.**

**Chapter 5**

"**The Thinnest Glass is the Most Breakable"**

**Edward's POV**

Sitting at the kitchen counter I watched my mom fix the family breakfast, she hummed to herself content in her life. She loved having her kids home like this. My father sat next to me at the counter with coffee in hand and his eyes on my mother. Love the dominate feature on his face, he watched her every move. In that same moment Jasper sat at the breakfast table with Alice perched up on his lap feeding him grapes, the love in the room was teasing me. It was showing me what I didn't have and a few weeks ago it wouldn't of bothered me, but something had changed. Their small and large displays of love all hit me taunting me. Maybe this little town was fucking with my head and I just needed to get back to the outside world and I would be back to normal. My mother put a plate in front of me on the counter and I thanked her with a smile and a kiss on the cheek. She smiled back and then continued to serve the rest of the family. I looked down at my plate and all I could see was Bella's face, I closed my eyes and let out a heavy breath. It didn't help I just saw her face on the backs of my eyelids, it had only been a little over a day since I saw Bella, but the memory I was left with wasn't a pleasant one. Every time I saw her face it was that look of agony, it was the picture of a broken women before me. When I opened my eyes I could see my father staring at me with one of his eyebrows raised. I just shook my head at him and attempted to eat my food without thinking of _her_. I had never thought about a girl for more then the few minutes my dick was inside of her, but Bella was different. I had to wonder what was so fucking special about her? Was the mystery that drew me in, was it the unattainable nature she exhibits, was I just feeling like I wanted to protect her? Who was I kidding everything seemed to be fucking special about her, she drew me in with every little breath that she sucked in through those beautiful lips or adorable nose. _Did I just call her nose 'adorable'?_ What the fuck.

As I took my last bite of food to finish my plate my father was standing over me, his jacket on and mine hung over his arm, he stared at me intently.

"Come outside and give me a hand with the fire wood." He stated handing me my jacket with no room to refuse. I took it reluctantly knowing he wanted to talk, I followed him to the door stopping to pull on a pair of boots sitting by it. He didn't say anything on the walk down the backside of the house to where some logs sat to be chopped into firewood. He handed me the axe then went over to grab a log and put it on the chopping stump. He nodded for me to go ahead and I was surprised when I went to town on it. Letting out all the frustration I didn't know I had, he didn't say anything he just let me get it all out. When I was too tired to keep going I stopped and lowered the head of the axe to the ground and leaned on the handle of it. My father stared at me for a moment and then broke the silence.

"So who is the girl?" He asked getting right to the point.

"What girl?" I asked diverting his eyes, Bella filling my thoughts.

"Son, only a women can make a man behave the way you have been lately." He chuckled and I looked at him. I didn't say anything, because I wasn't even sure what was going on with me, so how could I explain it to him. "Look son I just have one thing to say, you know I am not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but I would like that you consider something." He waited for me to look at him and I noticed that his was shifting between father and doctor.

"Bella," he started again and I tried to interrupt him and ask who the hell said anything about Bella, but he stopped me. "You can't foul me I am your father." He warned and I rolled my eyes. Parents think they know everything, but in this case he was once again right. "As I was saying Bella has a complicated past, she.." I interrupted this time ignoring my fathers attempt to shush me.

"I don't want to know anything unless she tells me." I didn't like gossip, I only liked information from sources. To much shit happens in 'he said, she said' situations.

"You know I am always professional, I leave the gossip to the women." He said the first part seriously and laughed at the second part. That was true my father never talked about anything personal unless he was talking about you to you. "Bella has a complicated past, she has been through a lot, she is still going through a lot. You have to be careful if you decide to have any type of relationship with her platonic or other wise." He warned in a stern and serious tone.

"I don't know what it is, I have never thought about a girl so much. I have never wanted to step in and save someone the way I do her. I have never…" I let out a frustrated breath, my dad sighed and I looked back up at him.

"Sounds like you are crazy about her son." He stated. I could see a little bit of hope in his eyes, but I also saw the fear and the worry there.

"Is that a bad thing?" I asked trying to decipher what he is thinking.

"Of course not, but Bella is unstable." For some reason that word pissed me off, it just hit a nerve and I wanted to fucking shout at him, but I held it back. He saw the anger flash in my eyes and he tried to find a different way to explain it. "Imagine Bella as the thinnest glass in the world, most breakable of all the glasses. And she is balancing on the tip of a needle struggling to keep that balance. The slightest thing can throw her off and shatter her." His words were just another way of saying she was unstable, but I knew they were true. I had seen the way her emotions flipped and knew he was right.

As we gathered up the nearly shredded fire wood I had hacked into small pieces, we headed into the house. I was planning on going up to my room and try to digest the new revelation, but Alice and Jasper had other plans. Apparently my mother wanted them to help hand deliver invites to her Christmas party. Which had always been a huge event ever since I could remember. Always on Christmas Eve and always the biggest party of the year. Christmas is the biggest holiday in the Cullen family right next to birthdays. I was trying to get out of going, but Alice said that there was an invite for Bella and she had me. I hated the feeling that made me want to see her to be around her. The garage was our first stop and I was anxious to see Bella my fathers words rang in my head and I was suddenly nervous. What kind of mood would she be in today? The vision of her in pain from Saturday filled my head.

Upon entering the garage I saw Bella standing in front of her racecar staring at it again. It confused the hell out of me as to why she did this. I made a comment about her staring at the car in hopes to start today off with a light conversation. When she turned to face me my heart skipped a fucking beat and not in a good way. Her face was pale, paler then usual, the rims of her eyes were blood red and her eyes were blood shot. There were dark shadows under her eyes and the worst part was that the pain was more evident then usual in her eyes. I could see that the needle was close to giving out and she was going to lose her balance. Words were coming out of my mouth and out of hers, but I didn't hear shit until I noticed that her arm was wrapped up. I didn't buy her bullshit story, because I could see that she was laying. The girl was like an open book at times and then a big fucking safe locked tight at others. I tried to keep the conversation simple and relaxed hoping to keep her balanced, but it seemed like she was pushed to her limit today. When Alice joined us I was really fucking worried that she was going to try and push shopping on Bella , but she didn't thankfully. Alice had this sense about her like she knew how far to push and she knew what was coming at times. She was highly intuitive as was myself and Jasper. Rose and Emmett were the ones to miss out on that shit, they couldn't read people for shit and Emmett always seemed to say the wrong thing. The conversation came to an end with Jacob agreeing to hang out on Saturday. I was so looking forward to that, yeah right. Jackass. Though Bella agreed to hang out even though she looked like she wasn't going to make it to Saturday. I wanted to pull her into my arms and protect her from the world, but that wasn't my place. Yet. I felt uneasy about leaving Bella, I could see she was on the edge and the smallest thing was going to push her over. It was written all over her face, but she confirmed that I would see her Saturday so I had to make that get me by. Saturday seemed like a lifetime away and worried about what would happen between now and then.

I took one more glance back at her as I exited the garage and she was still just standing there. I wondered if her mind was even in this garage or if she was far away. Jacob glared at me as I walked by him and I wanted to fucking ask him what his problem was, but I was too worried about Bella to find my voice. Obviously he wanted to get back to her also, because he started jogging once he got past me. I didn't like Jacob, but I knew he kept balance for Bella. I hated that it was him and not me, but I was glad someone was doing it.

As I got into the car Jasper pulled out immediately and got back on the highway. None of us spoke, but I could see on their faces that they knew something bad was coming also. Alice looked worried and Jasper looked like he had seen a ghost. He held Alice's hand tight on the console and she glanced back at me with fearful eyes.

"I have a bad feeling." She said looking me right in the eyes. She wasn't the only one, but I knew when Alice had a sense of a bad feeling then something was sure to happen, with me I am just over paranoid at times. But not Alice she has a sixth sense about her.

"Me too." My voice broke. We sat in silence.

A moment later I could hear a buzz of a motorcycle over the mist of rain outside, it sounded so loud in the silence of the car, I thought of Bella on her bike that first day in the garage. The sexiest sight in the world.

"What the fuck?" Jasper blurted out startled.

"Oh god is that.." I finished Alice's sentence as I saw the motorcycle fly past us.

"Bella." I watched crippled by fear as Bella speed past the two cars in front of us on the wrong side of the road and on a hill. I wanted to jump out of the car and run after her, I wished at this moment I had the speed of a mountain lion. I felt helpless. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I started to feel lightheaded. I wanted to tell Jasper to follow her, but I was too frozen to speak.

"Jasper hurry and catch up with her." Alice spoke the words I couldn't as if she had read my mind.

"I am trying." He said sounding as panicked and worried as a felt. Jasper got past one car and we could see Bella a car in front of us. She had to be going the max the bike would allow, her hair blowing freely in the brisk breeze, no helmet. If she crashed right now she would be k.. I couldn't finish that thought. The panic was rising in my chest with the fear of something happening to her, we came over a hill and she was no longer in sight.

"Where did she go?" Jasper asked looking around. I was really panicking now, looking in the ditch and trying to see if she fell off her bike. She was no were to be seen.

"Turn around." I told Jasper in a shaky voice and he did the first chance he got. Between where we were and were the hill was that we lost her there were six turn offs. We went down five of them and didn't see her. I was praying that the sixth one would be the lucky number, but as we drove down it, we didn't see her.

"There are a lot of driveways down this road, she may of gone to someone's house." Jasper said sounding hopeful. Alice glanced back at me and I could see she was just as worried as I was. Something bad was going to happen, I just knew it.

We reluctantly went back to the house and told Esme what had happened, she looked just as freaked and called Carlisle to call Charlie, not wanting to worry Renee. I fucking paced the floor of the living room impatiently waiting for Carlisle to call back, when he finally did he didn't give us much to go on. He just said that Jacob thought he knew where she was and was going to go see if he could find her. I wished I was the one who knew where she would go, the one to find her. My heart ached in fear and I couldn't sit still. I also saw the worry in my mothers face and I knew that whatever Bella's past had in it, it made people more concerned about her then usual. Like she was a ticking time bomb, which might just be the case.

I sat in the dark living room silent with my mother dusting off nonexistent dust as we waited for my father to get home. I felt like a helpless little boy waiting on his daddy. I had felt helpless a lot today and I must say I fucking hate it. I saw headlights flash across the window followed by the sound of the garage doors opening. I hurried to the garage entrance to the house to meet him as he entered the house. I heard Alice and Jasper making there way down the stairs and as my father came through the door I knew it wasn't good news. My heart sunk as the worst possible scenarios of the girl I barely knew flew through my mind. My dad placed a heavy hand on my shoulder and guided us all to the living room. My mom held his hand tightly as he looked around at us and spoke.

"Jacob found Bella earlier after I called you all back, but I was with Charlie and Renee and didn't get a chance to call. Dr. Gerandy came out to the house and we both looked her over."

"Is she alright?" I asked my voice breaking, I caught the look my mother gave me. It was one of surprise and pain, though there was something else there that I didn't understand.

"Physically she will be fine." He sighed and that was good, but what did he mean?

"What do you mean by physically?" Pain and fear in my voice, everyone's eyes were on me as my voice broke again. This is something that had never happened.

"The glass fell off the needle." He said looking at me and I heard my breath catch. Did I do something? Did I say something wrong in the garage? Did my being there push her over the edge? I could hear my father explaining to the others what he meant, but his voice sounded far away. "Bella had a mental breakdown, Dr. Gerandy had to sedate her. Charlie and Renee are pretty shook up. Esme you should call Renee and I told them we would stop by tomorrow and help out if need be."

I had seen the pain that Bella was in and I did nothing. I should of, could of…. But what was there to do? Could I of helped to push her over the edge? My heart ached in a strange way and I felt sick to my stomach. Would Bella be alright? I thought I was going to go fucking insane with questions that couldn't be answered. My father leaned down on my shoulder as he passed by me to leave the room, I was sitting in a chair in shock. I should of stayed with her, maybe I could of helped her. Why did Jacob let her leave, I knew he could see she wasn't in good shaper? I was pissed at Jacob, suddenly turning my guilt into anger. I liked feeling angry better then guilty or terrified. It was a more familiar emotion to me. Alice's voice broke through my fog.

"What happened to her to cause this much pain and cause a mental breakdown?" She asked.

"It isn't the first time." My mom said and I had to leave the room, I didn't want to hear anything about it. I only wanted answers from one person, I wanted to hear it from Bella. I couldn't stand to know something about her that she didn't tell me herself. That she didn't trust me with. "The last time was two years ago, but she has been doing better…" I was out of hearing range just as she was getting to the things I didn't need to hear from her. Sure I was curious as hell and wanted, no needed to know where her pain came from, but not only did I not want it second hand, but I didn't think I could handle anymore tonight. I went to my room and fell back on my bed. That night I dreamed of Bella in a non-sexual way.

_Bella was in a beautiful full length dress, she was running and I couldn't make out the objects that passed by as she ran. I made my way to her and as the objects came into clear view I could see they were tombstones. She was running through a cemetery, I couldn't see her face, only the flow of her hair and her dress. I yelled for her, but she didn't turn around. So I followed her and she stopped suddenly. I approached her slowly and saw her staring at a tombstone, just as I had seen her stare at her car. I tried to make out the words on the stone, but they were jumbled together. "Bella?" I pleased and she turned around to meet me face to face. I inhaled a sharp breath feeling like someone had just ripped my heart out. Her face was emotionless, empty. It was worse then the pain, worse then the agony, worse then anything I had seen in her eyes. She was an empty shell, nothing of the Bella I had seen was left, only the body form of her. _

"_Bella is gone forever." She said in her beautiful emotionless, monotone voice and then turned around and disappeared. _

I shot up out of my bed shaking convulsively. My breath was fast and hard like I had ran a marathon. My chest ached as if the dream was real. It took me a moment to calm myself, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was coming. Something bigger then today, something worse then today.

I was suddenly hit with an epiphany, I didn't want to lose Bella. I had known her for only a short time and in truth I didn't even know her, but I knew I could never lose her.

The next day Jasper, Alice, my parents, and myself all went over to the Swan's house. It was cute little house, two story, blue with white shutters. There was a large tree in the front yard with a rope swing hanging from it. For some reason a chill ran up my spin as I looked at the swing, I shook it off. The interior décor of the Swan's house was all over the place, not a certain theme set at all. Renee looked like a total wreck and she cried into my moms embrace. It made me question how bad the situation was, she was acting as if Bella had died. Suddenly I had the urge to see her and my feet walked at their own accord. I went up the stairs at the top there were five doors. Two were cracked open, the one to the right seemed to be Mr. and Mrs. Swan's room, next to it a linen closet, then the bathroom in the middle, on the left side were two more doors that were closed. I felt a pull towards the one at the front side of the upper level, I opened it slowly and peeked in. Bella laid on the bed a peaceful look on her face, her arms and legs limp on the bed. Her breathes shallow and even, I knew she only looked this way, because of the sedative. I heard someone clear there throat and turned to see Jacob standing behind me.

We stared at each other for a moment, Jacob spoke first his arms tight across his broad chest, hands in tight fist, his knuckles turning white from the pressure.

"I won't let you hurt her." His words were menacing, but his voice gave him away. He was afraid, not of me, but of not being able to protect her.

"I have no plans of hurting her." I said with nothing, but pure honesty. I never wanted to be the source of her pain.

"That is what they all say." I saw his eyes twitch to the one door I didn't open and a sadness flashed in his eyes, along with the same kind of pain I saw in Bella's eyes. Whatever was haunting her, he knew all about it, most likely ever detail, and he had a part in it. I wasn't sure how big of a part, but he had a part. I could tell by his protective nature that he was a positive part of it and not a negative. "Just know that I will be watching you, they all will be watching." His words confused me at first, but then I remembered the way that everyone watched Bella.

With that he walked around me and into Bella's room closing the door behind her. I stood in the hallway alone wishing that I was in Bella's room with her. I realized that I was extremely jealous of Jacob Black in so many ways. I had never been jealous before, but now I was and I didn't like it one fucking bit. Apparently Bella brought out all kinds of new emotions that fucked with my masculinity. I took one last glance at the door that I didn't see into and had and eerie feeling as a shiver ran down my spine. I went back downstairs to join everyone else, hating the feeling of leaving Bella behind.

On Wednesday I returned to Bella's house, with Alice and Jasper, to check on her, the only change was that she looked a little less peaceful then the day before, that made me uneasy.

On Thursday she looked more asleep then sedated. I knew she would be waking up soon and a part of me hoped she would while I was visiting, but she didn't. I wanted to bring her flowers, but I didn't even know what kind she fucking liked. I vowed that I would find out though.

On Friday morning I was relieved when my mom got off the phone with Renee saying that Bella was up and doing good. I was fucking shocked as hell that she was going to be shopping and still hanging out on Saturday. It sounded a little soon for that fuckery, but I was happy to hear she was well. Though I knew better then to believe that she was magically healed completely.

Late Friday Emmett, Rose, and the boys made it into town. The kids were out of school and they came down to stay through the holiday. I overheard Alice telling Emmett and Rose about Bella and I found out that she now knew more then I wanted to know. Someone must of told her some details, I made it away without catching any of them, but I didn't miss that my whole family was now more knowledgeable about Bella Swan then I was. But I wanted to know Bella, not the rumors and assumptions.

Saturday couldn't get here soon enough and I was anxious as hell to see Bella. A storm was settling over us and it looked like a nasty one, but my world was a little bright thinking of seeing her. I was glad to hear that Bella was riding to the house with Alice and Esme, I didn't like the idea of her driving so soon after her _episode._

I stared the door down waiting for Bella to walk through it, it was like I couldn't even function as a dependant person anymore. I was always concerned about Bella or thinking about her. I felt myself starting to revolve around her in strange ways. It was fucked up and crazy, trust me I know. I could somehow feel Bella's presence before I even heard the car coming down the driveway. I tapped my fingers impatiently as I waited for them to come in the house.

Alice came in and Bella was only a few steps behind her, when I saw her I immediately wanted to wrap my arms around her and protect her. She looked so fucking fragile, more then usual. Her face was skinner, but there was a little color from the cool air hitting it, her chocolate eyes were nervously darting around. They landed on me last and her emotions were laid out for me. She was timid, nervous, sad, and afraid. The pain was very minimal today and that made me fucking happy. Though I knew it was under there somewhere. She was wearing a light blue shirt that was kind of off the shoulders and I must say her shoulders were fucking seductive.

"Bella." Emmett bellowed like he was her best friend, she smiled at him. Then as he smiled his big dimply smile at her, I saw a little pain pass through her eyes. What the hell was that about? I glared at Emmett even though I wasn't sure what he could of done to cause her that small amount of emotional pain.

"Hi Bella." Rose said sweetly and her voice carried a large amount of pity. I looked at her confused, Rose pitied no one, but I could see it in her eyes. She pitied Bella. Whatever they now knew about her that I didn't must be really bad, for Rose to pity her.

I looked back at Bella and our eyes locked. A warm surge ran through me and it was hard to explain how good it felt to see those beautiful brown eyes. A smile played on her lips and I could feel the one on my face growing. Everyone else in the room disappeared. Bella made her way over and sat on the chair closest to me and I wanted to reach over and touch her, but reframed from doing so. I was surprised to hear that Jacob wasn't coming, it would be a little hard for him to _'watch me'_ if he isn't here. Though the idea of being with Bella without his murderous glares sounded very appealing. As Bella shifted in her seat to get comfortable I saw the ink peeking out of her shoulder again, just as I tried to see what it was exactly she moved and it was hidden.

Alice got out three big cans of flavored popcorn, a bowl of candy, hot chocolate to go around, and then popped in "A Christmas Carol", her favorite Christmas movie. I knew it fucking word by word, because she made us watch it every year. Bella sat next to me on the loveseat as we shared a bucket of popcorn. I couldn't help, but glance at her through out the movie. Here in the dark I had the urge to reach over and stroke her cheek or take her fragile hand into mine, but I didn't. Our hands touched once when we both reached for some popcorn and warm tingles ran through me. I was glad to see that Bella seemed a little less on edge tonight. It was strange since she just had a mental break down a few days ago, but I wasn't going to question it.

Suddenly the electricity went out and Emmett screamed like a fucking pussy ass girl making all of us jump. The only light in the room was the glow from the barely going fire.

"Bella, you ok?" I asked not liking that I couldn't make out her face in the dark room.

"Yeah." She said quietly and I found myself analyzing her voice to make sure it was the truth.

"What happened?" Rosalie complained.

"The electricity went out, duh." Emmett said mockingly, then there was a loud pop followed by Emmett yelling "ouch". Though the electricity that supplied light had gone out, but the one that was between Bella and in the dark could light a small country.

"Mom?" I felt Bella stiffen as Ross's voice echoed through the dark house. I reached over and found her hand. She didn't pull away from me and I felt her even relax a little.

"Right here baby." Rose said lighting her phone so that the boys could find her. Suddenly two flash lights shined into the room.

"Everyone alright?" Carlisle's voice came through the room.

"Yep, what happened to the electricity?" Jasper asked.

"There is a nasty storm outside, it could be anything. I am going to go out and turn on the generators." The light my father was holding disappeared and my mother made her way into the living room with hers. Jasper got up and poked at the fire throwing another log in and getting it blazing again. The glow was enough to light the room a little, I could see Bella's face. She looked calm, but she had her eyes intently on her joined hands. She looked up at me and meet my eyes, but she didn't pull her hand away. I tried to read the emotions there and was surprised to see something I hadn't seen before, I couldn't be sure, but it looked like peacefulness. I smiled at her relishing in the feeling of our hands joined. I hadn't held a girls hand since high school, it was more of a romantic gesture rather then a sensual one. I hadn't had a romantic relation ever, really. My relationships were always sexual and nothing more. I could see myself having a romantic relationship with Bella. Kissing her lips, holding her hand, wrapping my arm around her waist, kissing her forehead, stroking her cheek, worshiping her body, making love to her. The lights suddenly turned back on as the generator roared to life. The now familiar blush colored Bella's cheeks and she released my hand. It felt cold and lonely from the emptiness of contact.

Rose got the boys back to bed and we all tuned into the news to see what the storm was doing. The news classified it as the worst storm so far this winter and that the roads were iced over solid. Bella looked nervous as Carlisle said it looked like she would be staying with us tonight. She called her parents to check on them and let them know she was stuck here for the night. I couldn't help the image of Bella in my bed, even though I knew it wouldn't happen. Bella seemed nervous and worried about being here tonight, but under all of that I thought I could still see a small fraction of that peacefulness.

Carlisle and Esme went to bed leaving Bella, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rose, and I in the living room around the fire. All bundled in blankets, sipping hot chocolate.

"Looks like we are trapped in Forks." Alice chimed happily looking at Jasper intently, still pushing for living here.

"Yeah we are trapped in the rabbit hole Alice." Jasper said teasing her. Rose and Emmett were also lost in their own conversation. I could feel Bella's presence next to me, suddenly begging me to reach over and feel that contact again.

"This town is so perfect." Alice purred.

"I hate it." Bella mumbled sitting next to me, it was barely a whisper, but I managed to catch her words. I turned to look at her surprised by the omission and annoyance in her voice.

"Why?" I asked her, the two of us suddenly in our own private conversation also, she looked up at me from under her lashes -fuck that was sexy- shocked. She had a look on her face that told me she wasn't aware that she spoke out loud. Her eyes gave away her embarrassment and sudden turmoil of anxiety.

"Uh.." She stammered turning red and her breathing speed up, I am not sure why, but I placed my hand on her knee to calm her. Maybe I just wanted to feel that warm tingling or maybe in hopes I could calm her like Jacob usual did. I felt her leg twitch under my hand, but I kept it placed there the tingling and warmth running through the contact was amazing. Her breathing seemed to even out and she looked up into my eyes lost in thought for a moment, the peaceful look back and then the words just fell from her lips almost at their own accord.

"Everyone in this town knows everything about me and they are always watching me. It annoys the shit out of me." After she was done speaking she looked shocked and a little relieved at her omission. I wanted to laugh at her rant, but I couldn't. I felt a little sad, but tried not to show it.

"I don't." I whispered and my voice betrayed me, the sadness laced in my words.

"You don't what?" She asked confused, looking into my eyes. Oh those eyes.

"I don't know everything about you," I paused pulling in the sadness that I didn't fully understand, I looked down at my hand on her knee. "actually I barely know anything." I admitted peeking at her out of the corner of my eye, she looked speechless for a moment and then she spoke so low I barely heard her.

"That is a good thing." The book of her eyes was open;

Anger.

Regret.

Sadness.

Pain.

And guilt.

"No Bella." I said sternly looking into her chocolate eyes, wishing those emotions away. "It is a fucking tragedy is what it is." There was such truth in my words and power in my voice.

She stiffened, still staring into my eyes emotions flashing across too quickly for me to catch, we were lost in each others eyes and this moment meant more then either of us could understand.

**How long will the storm last? How long will Bella be trapped in the Cullen house with Edward? Will she spill the beans on a few details? Hum… Stay tuned for the next chapter to find out. Thanks for reading and especially for the wonderful comments. I really appreciate it.**


	6. Chapter 6 Half is Better Then None

**Chapter 6**

**"Half is better then none"**

**Bella's POV**

I wasn't sure what was happening as I looked into Edward's eyes. He wanted to know me, he thought it was a tragedy that he didn't. Though once he really knew me would he still feel that way, once he knew all the things I have done and been through. Would he still want to know me? _What do you mean by 'once he knew', are you planning on telling him?_ My subconscious questioned and I was actually unsure of how to answer myself. Not that I really had to answer myself, but I was anxious to know what I was going to do also. Something was pulling at me telling me to open up to him, telling me I could trust him, but I wasn't sure I was ready for that. Charlie did tell me that I needed to talk to someone, was Edward that someone? Was this the time for that? Could I possible tell him anything at all? I was comfortable with him in ways I had never been with anyone before. The warm and fuzzy feeling was almost unbearable tonight and at every little touch it blazed. His touch eased me, even more so then Jacob, because Edward's touch eased the pain unlike anyone else had been able to. I wasn't in a lot of pain right now, because I am sure my brain was trying to protect me for a little while. But what pain I did have Edward's touch eased. It made me want for his contact and when it was lost I felt cold and uneasy.

Edward and I were still staring at each other silently and I was trying to read the emotions in those jade eyes, but they were passing by too quickly. I saw his arm move out of the corner of my eye, then his hand came up and stroked my cheek. Setting off the fire of my blush and also that warm/fuzzy feeling that I couldn't explain. I thought he was about to remove his hand from my face, but he instead cupped my cheek.

"I guess we better turn in for the night." He said, but I had a feeling he wanted to say something else and changed his mind.

Edward showed me to the guest room and then pointed to the door down the hall telling me that if I needed anything that was his room. I reluctantly left the comfort of his presence and touch to go into the room. My head hit the pillow and I must have been more tired then I even realized, because sleep came quickly. Edward's face floated in my mind as I fell into unconsciousness.

As I came out of sleep I realized that today wasn't going to be as easy as yesterday. My brain had only protected me for two days and now it decided to go back into our regular routine. Anxiety came over me and my chest heaved. Bitter, sweet images rang through my mind and the thousand pound weight pushed on my chest again. Living was once again worse then dying. The pain was more then I wanted to deal with, it was unbearable. I pulled my knees to my chest, a knock at the door startled me. I had forgotten I wasn't at home, I had forgotten about the storm that had me trapped here. I tried to get control of myself so no one would see me like this. I threw my legs over the side of the bed and found my voice.

"Come in." My voice shook as I tried to keep myself upright and fight off the pain. The door creaked open and I sat up tall as Alice peeked around the corner.

"Hey sorry to bother you, I was just going to let you know that I put some cloths, towels, and other needs in the connected bathroom for you. Then whenever your ready to come down breakfast is ready." She smiled at me and I could see it in her eyes. The concern and the pity, I hated it.

"Thanks." I said and she nodded and started to close the door. "Alice." I said stopping her.

"Yeah?" She asked and I felt a tear slid down my cheek. She rushed in the room and sat down beside me. "Bella are you ok?" She asked rubbing my arm. It didn't ease the pain or comfort me like Edward's touch did.

"How much do you know?" I asked taking a deep breath. She let out a heavy sigh, but I couldn't look at her. I was in too much pain as it was, I really didn't need to see the pity in her eyes.

"Only what others know I suppose. I know about your loss and your struggle with addiction." Alice said quietly. "Sorry Bella." I just nodded my head and got up from the bed with shaky legs.

"Do all of you know?" I asked really only wanting to know about one person.

"I suppose all of us do with the exception of Edward, he only likes hearing things from the source." My breath caught in my throat and I realized just how much I could trust Edward. He didn't want to hear my story from anyone, but me. I wasn't worthy of that kind of trust.

I some how managed to make it to the bathroom without falling over, but once inside the door I wasn't so lucky. I had to cling to the sink for support.

With a lot of fucking work, I managed to get a shower and get dressed. I found the strength somewhere to pull myself together and go downstairs. Everyone else was already dressed and set up at the kitchen counter.

"Morning Bella. I hope you slept well." Esme greeted me as I entered the room.

"Yes." I said trying to smile, but the pain was still ragging inside of me. _Come on Bella it is time to put on a show. _

My eyes meet with Edward's and I remembered how his touch calmed me. I suddenly felt a pull towards him and luckily he pulled out the stool next to him for me. I smiled and went over to take my seat at the counter. I noticed that today he wore a short sleeve shirt in the warm house and a lot more ink was more visible then usual. I had noticed a few times that he was tatted up, but I had never really gotten a close look before. It looked like his tattoo was a scene, all fitting together, not random at all. I could understand that, the tats that I had were very meaningful, but I couldn't think of those reasons now, it was too painful. My eyes trailed up his right arm, he didn't have a full sleeve, it was more like three quarter length. The end of the tat was bordered with a tribal symbol, then as you trail your eyes up there were music notes, the bottom of a guitar stuck out from under his shirt sleeve. The skin wasn't completely covered, there was a contrast from skin to ink on his arm. Different designs taking up space around his arm, but the most noticeable of all the guitar. It was black and nearly jumped off his arm, I wanted to see the rest of the tat, but he had it hidden under that ridiculous shirt. My eyes moved to their own accord traveling up him trying to imagine what he had hidden under that shirt. When my eyes landed on his face his lips were pulled up into a very sexy smirk. Then his eyes were on me watching me roam his body art. The blush flooded to my cheeks and I heard him chuckle as I diverted my eyes from him.

I was suddenly caught off guard by the reaction that my body had to him, there was a ache between my legs that I defiantly wasn't used to feeling. He had made me feel it once before and it still shocked the hell out of me. Why and how did he do these things to me? I questioned myself as I squirmed in my seat a little.

"Mom, Ross hit me." Ryan one of the twins yelled running into the room holding the side of his head. I felt myself stiffen as I watched the little boy run into Rosalie's arms. She hugged him tight and whispered something to him. I wasn't aware of anyone else in the room, but this mother and her son. I was so jealous of her, she had it all, everything I would never have. She had beauty, a husband that loved her, and most of all not one, but two sons. I would give anything to have and hold my son. I felt a sob chock into my throat and my hands started to shake, the itch set in with the pain. The itch to push the pain away. I felt myself losing it and my chest ached so much that I thought I would die on the spot.

Suddenly a warm hand touched mine and the pain eased a little, the panic calmed and I could hold myself together a little longer. I realized that a moment ago Edward had distracted me from my pain and now he was easing it. I looked up to see Edward's concerned and hurt eyes looking down at me. I gave him a weak smile and he stared into my eyes. He was looking into my soul, he was trying to find answers, I could see him trying to decipher me. Would I let him?

The day passed by in a blur, we watched television, discussed music, but the storm did not ease up. There was now a good six foot of snow outside and the temperature wasn't rising, instead it was dropping. Throughout the day I caught myself brushing arms with Edward or letting my skin connect with his in the most innocent ways. I wasn't doing it on purpose it was just kind of happening, but he didn't seem to mind. In fact I think he was leaning into my touch each time, he never shied away like I thought he should. I wasn't worthy of a guy like him, I wasn't even worthy of the most innocent touch.

When the night fell and everyone started drifting their own ways I was afraid of being alone without Edward's simple touch. I didn't want him to leave me yet and I was terrified when he moved at my side to stand. I looked up at him trying my best to hid the panic, but I don't think I succeeded.

"I am going to get a drink do you want something?" He asked quickly trying to ease my panic.

"Sure." I said settling back into my seat and calming myself. It was stupid to be getting this attached to him.

"What would you like?" He asked sweetly with his velvety voice smiling down at me.

"Anything is fine, really." I said hoping he would hurry up and go so that he could hurry and get back.

He left the room and I felt panic set in once his presence was no longer in the room. What the hell was wrong with me? None of this made sense, I couldn't help but think this was very wrong. My sanity was running thin.

"Here you go." Edward said holding one of the glasses in his hands out to me, but I didn't take it from him. I could smell a familiar smell that made my mouth water and the little monster in me rattle its fragile cage. Tequila.

"I can't drink." I said quickly, reflexively shaking my head. The monster screamed at me begging for just one little drink.

"It is ginger ale." He said looking perplexed as he held the glass out to me again.

"Oh." I said blushing and taking the cup from him. I smelt the drink as I brought it to my lips, he hadn't lied to me, but I was sure that I smelled….

Edward took his seat next to me and I realized that his drink was the tequila. He was sitting so close that I could almost taste it as the smell of it over took my senses. I shifted in my seat so that I was a little farther away from Edward, he looked over at me and the look on his face was pure confusion. I smiled at him trying to get him to distract me from the mouth watering liquid in his glass. I could feel my tongue dragging across my lips begging. _No, this is so stupid. You are stronger then this._ I told myself, but it wasn't true, I wasn't strong.

"So what do you do for a living?" I blurted out. Edward looked at me confused again, then his expression changed to joy as he answered.

"I own a few businesses." He paused as he took a sip of his drink. I watched as he swallowed it down, my eyes on his lips. I could imagine the taste of it and wondered how much I could get off his lips if I kissed him. _What the Fuck, focus._

"What kind of business?" I asked taking a drink of my non alcoholic drink hoping to settle the thirst.

"A few bars and clubs." Ha it was kind of funny he owned bars and clubs and here he sat with a recovering alcoholic. A few years ago I could of kept him in business all by myself.

"That is impressive, what made you get into that?" I asked intrigued.

"Alcohol was my favorite subject in college." He chuckled. "I did more partying with Emmett then studying, so I thought what the fuck lets just get a job where we can party all the time."

"What were you suppose to be studying?" Talking to him was a good distraction from the pain and thirst.

"I was going to follow in my fathers footsteps, actually. The classes weren't too hard, I just wasn't into it. That was Jasper and my fathers thing, not mine. Then Emmett got Rose pregnant and he needed a good steady income for his family, so I asked him to start a business with me. A year into it a friend advised me to expand so I did so. Then it kind of took flight from there." Edward explained with a smile on his face. "But it turned out to be harder work then I expected. It isn't the party I thought it would be, but that turned out to be a good thing. The parties get old after a while and I rather enjoy working." I could tell that he loved his job by the way he spoke.

"So how is it that you got a chance to come here with all the work?"

"Actually I am in the process of opening a new business in California and until the paper work goes through there isn't much I can do. All the plans are made and I even found a contractor and all that good stuff, now I all I have to do is wait. As far as my other businesses they run smoothly thanks to my impeccable hiring skills." He sounded a little cocky and smug about his job, but for some reason I could see that his success allowed him to be that way. For some reason I enjoyed hearing about Edward, I wanted to know him. I hadn't wanted to know anyone in years, it was strange to be interested in anything. We spoke a little longer and he seemed to enjoy talking about his work. He revealed that he was going to be going back to California after the paper work goes through and that made my chest ache in a different way. Which was just plain stupid.

"That is enough about me, how about you?" Edward asked looking at me over the rim of his glasses.

"What about me?" I asked with a nervous voice.

"What did you study in college?" I kicked away the memories that tried to pound me and I wanted to tell him. I was terrified to talk about that time in my life, but I wanted him to know. I wanted to talk. When I didn't answer Edward tried to guess. "Engineering?"

"Not even close." I said chuckling and then I let my head hang. Edward reached over and put his hand on top of mine again. Suddenly I was at ease and the words just flowed from me. Damn him and his magic hands. "I wanted to be a teacher."

"Really? What stopped you?" He asked and I felt the warm and fuzzy feeling from the contact of his hand on mine. It eased me and I wanted to tell him a small part of my past.

"I made the wrong friends and didn't last two years before I came crawling back home." It was the honest truth, Edward was quiet and I couldn't look into his eyes.

"Why didn't you ever try to go back?" He asked sounding so curious and frustrated. I looked up to see his eyes matched his voice.

"The dream died."

"So what is your new dream?" Edward asked and I could feel him leaning towards me.

_Too die and end the suffering. _

"I don't know." I sighed.

It was quiet for a long time and I kept my eyes on my hands that were in my lap. I could feel Edward next to me and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Bella." Edward broke the silence. "Bella look at me, please." He said and I obeyed. "I can see that you are in pain and I just want you to know I am here if you need to talk."

I stared at him, at the sincere pleading jade eyes set in his perfect features. He wanted me to trust him, talk to him, and I wanted to. But I was afraid.

Edward held out his arm for me and I surprised myself by moving into his embrace. I was tucked into Edward's side and I could feel his warmth. The warm/fuzzy feeling intensified being pressed against his body and the pain was forced to the back of my head. He eased it like a good prescription drug or illegal substance, I feared that he would be deemed bad for me also. Edward was my new addiction.

**Edward's POV**

It had been an interesting day, I had watched Bella and analyzed every move she made. It seemed like the more I was around her the more questions I had. During the way we just kind of gravitated towards each other, we would touch with the lights brushes and I would suddenly be a live wire. Her touch warmed all the way down to my soul and left me needing more. This morning she was putting on a show for us, but I could still see the underlying pain that is always present. Then I saw the pain intensify along with anger when she was watching Rose with Ryan, it made no sense to me. Also I had caught how she told me that she "couldn't drink" instead of "doesn't drink". Was there a medical reason or was it something else? I had a feeling that I knew underneath that she must have had a problem at one time, but I didn't want to admit it. I hadn't brought her an alcoholic drink on purpose, because of the fact that I hadn't seen her drink once. On Thanksgiving everyone had a glass of wine with the exception of her, then I had also noticed that no one even offered her a drink, like they knew she didn't drink. Or as Bella put it couldn't drink.

I was surprised and happy when Bella started the conversation when I returned with our drinks, it was the first time she had started a conversation between us. It made me believe we were making some sort of progress. I saw the storm as a gift being able to have Bella so close and now she can't leave. I was beginning to form an unhealthy attachment to her, but it felt so right.

I looked down on Bella's beautiful face as her warm body snuggled into the side of mine. I knew she couldn't be that comfortable so I lifted her off the couch and carried her to the guest room. I placed her gently on the bed and couldn't bring myself to leave just yet. I wanted to lay down next to her and just hold her, but I didn't think that would be appropriate. I placed a kiss on her forehead without even thinking about it, her warm skin felt incredible under my lips. I wanted to trail my lips down her face and to her lips, but found the control not to. I reluctantly left the room with one more glance at Bella's beautiful soft warm face surrounded by her chestnut hair.

A shrill metallic scream brought me out of sleep and I scrambled around the bed trying to figure out what was going on. The scream continued from down the hall, Bella. I climbed out of bed and ran down the hall. Jasper, Alice, Esme, Carlisle, and Emmett were all opening their bedroom doors.

"What is going on?" Alice asked sounding scared.

"I don't know." I said quickly opening Bella's door without knocking. Bella was curled into a ball on the bed as she screamed and whimpered, I ran over to her quickly and shook her awake.

"Bella wake up. Bella." The screaming stopped and her tear soaked eyes shot open. She looked tortured in her brown eyes and I stroked her face. "Shh it was just a dream." I told her my voice sounding relieved. I glanced back at the family and nodded to them letting them now I had it under control. Alice and Carlisle lingered at the door for a moment before walking out and closing the door behind them.

"Are you ok?" I looked into her eyes knowing that she wasn't and hadn't been for a long time.

"Uh I am fine. I just had a nightmare." She said her voice shaky, hoarse, and laced with pain. I let out a heavy sigh feeling anxious and uneasy.

"Bella what on earth were you dreaming about? You were screaming bloody murder, you scared the hell out of me. I thought I was going to have to kill someone." I said chuckling darkly and hoping that she would share with me, because I wanted to help her.

"I don't remember." She lied. "Sorry I woke you."

I hated seeing the pain, guilt, fear, and embarrassment in her eyes. I wanted to ease them all, but I didn't know how. I had never meet or known anyone like Bella and I truly had no idea how to help her.

"Try and get some more sleep and I will be right down the hall if you need me." I told her wanting to stay, but not sure if that was what she wanted. Perhaps she wanted to be alone and I was intruding. I walked slowly towards the door and it felt as if I was wearing lead shoes that got heavier and heavier with each step.

"Edward." Bella's soft voice came through the dark room. I tried to read her face, but it was too dark in the room. She started to talk and I wasn't sure if she was speaking to me or herself. "My father always wanted a boy, someone to pass the garage and his racing down to. Then he and my mother had me, my mother only wanted one child so he knew that he would only have a daughter. He tried to raise me like a little girl, but from day one I had a passion for cars. He gave in and let me tag along just as he would a son. I loved cars, I could work on the all day without ever growing bored. I didn't have a lot of friends, in a way my parents were my best friends. My first race really got me hooked, it was incredible the feel of the speed, the adrenaline. All of it as a whole was amazing and then I found that not only did I like it, I was good at it. My father was proud of me and for some reason that was something I always strived for. My mother kept me grounded with her many adventures, feeding the homeless, reading to school children, that sort of thing. I enjoyed helping people almost as much as racing, almost. Though I did start to tutor and the feeling of teaching someone something felt incredible, it was a way to make my mother proud. Like the racing was a piece of my father and the tutoring was a piece of my mother. Teaching gave me a totally different high."

I had made my way over and was now seated on the bed leaning in so I could catch every word of her story. She was talking to me and I was eating it up, every word of it, though I knew that the story didn't have a happy ending. You could look at Bella and see it wasn't a happy ending.

"I loved racing, but I felt like teaching was my calling. Also I wanted to make my mother proud, she was so excited when I told her this was what I wanted to do, but my father wasn't. He had already planned out my future and had his mind set on it. I was to race and take over the garage someday. My father is a very stubborn man and that was a quality I got from him. So being a stubborn, naïve, and stupid girl I went as far away as possible for college. I got a scholarship to NYU and I took it. I wanted to find myself without the influence of my family. My mother was so proud, but my father wouldn't speak to me for weeks. He was proud that I was going to college, but he wanted me going near home and for something like business, something that would help in the future he had planned." She paused and I could feel the sudden shift in the room. She was getting to a important part in the story.

"The first semester of college was great, I made the grades, and came home for the holidays. My father started to speak to me again, because my mother told him if he didn't she would leave him. She wanted me to come back to Forks and teach when I finished school and she didn't think that I would do that if my father didn't fix things. So I left headed back to school in good spirits. I got back to find that I had a new roommate, she was different then anyone I had ever meet. She was so short and had a really innocent face, almost childlike. Her name -Jane- was even innocent. The girls favorite colors were black and red, everything on her side of the room was jet black or blood red. I hadn't really made any friends and Jane insisted that I hang out with her and her friends. So I went along with her, it was college and I needed to get out of my shell. That was when I met Dem and Felix, soon it was the four of us all the time. Dem, Felix, Jane, and myself. Dem was charming and for some reason he liked me, he pursued me for two months before I gave in and went on a date with him."

Hearing her speak of another guy like this was making me jealous, but I did my best to reign it in. I wanted her to tell me her story I wanted to know everything and it was stupid of me to be jealous.

"I was naïve and now I realize how stupid I was. I had never really had a boyfriend, I had gone on a few dates in high school, but nothing serious. That's embarrassing, but true. Anyway, I hung on every word he said and I felt like I had to prove myself to be with him. I was vulnerable and away from home and my family, eventually I started losing myself, instead of finding myself. I would drink and party, the others did drugs, but I refused to do so. Dem and I were dating for four months when he told me he loved me and that he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I believed that he loved me and I thought that I loved him."

The jealousy was almost unbearable at this moment in the most of stupid fucking ways, but I listened closely, because I could feel something bad was coming, something valuable.

"After," she said not explaining that part of the story, thankfully. "things changed in our relationship and not for the better, but out of fear and what I thought was love I stayed. Eventually I got in so deep with him and the whole group that I thought nothing could save me, but something did. Something I never expected, nor did I ever want, but it saved me. I planned on getting the first flight home, but wasn't sure they would accept me. I hadn't called home in months and I was so distant I was sure they would turn me away. Also Dem had other plans he wasn't letting me go so easily."

I had an eerie feeling that Bella was leaving out such major details and I felt anger rock through me, because I knew he had hurt her. I wanted to kill this Dem, he had to be the cause of all this pain in her. Though I had a feeling I didn't even know the half of it.

"I called Jacob, because he was my best friend and I knew he was the one person that wouldn't turn away from me. I told him everything and he got on the next flight to New York. I hated getting Jake involved, but I was too far under to pull myself out. Once we got back to Forks we went to my parents. My father told me I could live with them and they would help me with my situation under two conditions. One I work at the garage and plan to take it over someday. Two no drugs or alcohol. I had no problem with either condition, especially the second one, because I had already given that up. So that is how I ended back up in Forks." She stopped speaking and I was so confused and curious. That had been the longest I had ever heard Bella speak and she was telling her story and she was telling it to me. Though it caused more questions then it answered, I was touched that she shared with me. I took a chance and pushed a little more, I knew it was a bad fucking idea, but I had to know.

"What did this Dem do to you? What kind of stuff did he and the others get you into?" My voice was a little more angry then I would of liked it to be, but I couldn't help it.

"I don't want you to look at me the way they do and more then that I don't want you to run away." She said in a low and sad voice looking down at her hands. I placed my hand under her chin and raised her eyes to mine.

"I won't, give me a chance." I assured her, I saw in her beautiful eyes that she believed me, she trusted me.

"After Dem and I became intimate." She cringed at the word-as did I- and her voice was shaking. "It wasn't magical or special, it was actually the opposite. Then it seemed like I couldn't do anything right, he started," she paused looking for something on my face, I controlled the anger that seemed to be rising in me again. "knocking me around, putting me in my place."

"He hit you." I roared in disgust and anger, my whole frame was shaking. I looked into Bella's eyes and she looked terrified, I quickly reigned in my anger. I placed my hand on hers trying to calm both myself and her. I needed to distract myself with something good, something pleasant.

"So what saved you?" I asked in a surprisingly calm voice. Bella was silent and I could see the pain and panic in her eyes again. I knew that whatever had saved her had also caused her a whole different world of pain.

"I don't think I am ready to talk about that yet." She said in a quickened raspy voice. She pulled her knees to her chest and started rocking back and forth, her hands shaking. Her eyes were closed tight, but I could feel the pain rolling off of her vibrating frame. I pulled her into my arms and rocked with her.

"Shh Bella it is ok when you are ready to talk I am here." I whispered holding her tight trying to protect her from the pain. "Thank you." I added realizing that she had just opened up to me. Not to anyone else, but to me. I pushed my face into her hair taking in her scent and wishing the pain away, because it seemed as though her pain was becoming my pain. And I would gladly take it all from her if I could.

**Please review if you are reading this on this site, so I will know that people are actually reading this story on here. Thanks.**

***pointing down***


	7. Chapter 7 Promise to Burn

**I do not own twilight or it's characters. I just like to play puppet with them.**

**Chapter 7**

"**A Promise to Burn"**

**Bella's POV**

I sat behind the stirring wheel of my know finished racecar. The ice and snow storm had long passed and things were back to normal. Well kind of, I had immersed myself into working on my car and Edward came by almost everyday to have lunch with me and say high. Neither of us speaking of the night when I opened up to him. The words had just flowed from me that night of their own accord. It was true I did feel a little better to talk, but I hadn't even told Edward the half of it. I had left out a ton of things that I am sure he wouldn't want to hear judging by the reaction he had to Dem hitting me. It was more then that it was much more then that, that was such a dark time in my life and I wasn't sure I would ever be able to tell anyone all of it. Jacob knew a good part of it, but I still not give him all of the facts. I am sure if I did then Demetri would not live to see another day. If Jacob didn't kill him then my father would and I wasn't sure why, but I had the feeling Edward would also. I recalled the first day after the storm that Edward had come by and asked me to lunch.

_I was staring into space once again and completely unaware that anyone was in the garage with me. Jacob wasn't coming in that day and my father had run out to pick up a part. _

"_Bella." His velvety smooth comforting voice broke my concentration. I turned slowly and couldn't shake the feeling that I was happy to see him. I felt like I wanted to smile, but I held it back. _

"_Edward?" I said more like a question pleasantly surprised to see him in the garage speaking to me. That meant that he didn't think I was complete mental case. I mean who goes around talking to mental cases?_

"_I was just in the area and I was wondering if you would like to grab a bite to eat?" He didn't sound sure of himself, which to me seemed a little off. Someone like Edward oozed sex appeal and confidence, but in that one little question he seemed unsure._

"_Umm my break isn't for another half hour." I said surprising myself and wondering why the hell I was going to lunch with him. Oh that is right, because you love embarrassment. I was still pretty embarrassed by my banshee screaming and telling him a part of my past. _

"_I don't mind waiting." He suggested with his emerald eyes looking into my soul._

"_Ok?" I said it more like a question. In the past three years other then being at the Cullen's I hadn't associated with anyone other then my parents and Jake. He stared at me for a moment as if he was waiting for something more._

"_Is that a yes or a no?" He finally said sounding worried. I turned red embarrassed at my lack of an answer, apparently during my hermit time I had forgot manners. _

"_Yes." I said and he smiled this beautiful crooked smile that melted my crushed heart, it was now liquid._

_I tinkered around with my car not really able to concentrate as he sat in the chair on the far side of the garage watching me. I was usually very confident with my work, but with him there it was a major distraction and I wasn't so sure of myself anymore. My father returned and told me to take my lunch break, he was shocked to say the least when he realized Edward was there to take me to lunch. He gave me a concerned look, but it was also hopeful. _

_Edward and I went to the only diner in town and I hated that everyone knew me there. They all stared like I was a freak show, which I assumed I had been for a while. The zombie -freak -emotional -mess of a show, presenting Bella Swan. It was embarrassing the way they all gave me half smiles and the pity look, I was used to it, but it was embarrassing for Edward to see. He just smiled and didn't seem to acknowledge them. We both ordered burgers even though I knew I wouldn't be able to eat much, over the years I had gone down to one meal a day, because of depression. My weight lose was significant that was noticeable with my protruding hip bones, but I just couldn't find it in me to enjoy food._

"_So how is the car coming along?" Edward asked looking truly curious. _

_That started up an easy subject and Edward watched me the whole time, but it wasn't uncomfortable the way everyone else watched me. I listened carefully about his stories in the business world and made discreet contact with his soothing touch any chance I got. _

We spent lunch together everyday that I worked ever since and I longed until it was time to be around him again. I hadn't look forward to anything other then the day I died for years, but now I was looking forward to seeing Edward. He was like a sparkling diamond catching the sun and pushing some of the warmth on me.

We never spoke of the night at his house when I opened up and he never asked any questions. We talked about him mostly, he taught me all about book keeping and a bunch of other stuff that went along with running a business. Some things I had learned from my mother, because she did my fathers business paper work, but I didn't mind hearing about his OCD way of doing stuff. I could tell he was a very organized person and I liked that. Though my OCD had came about for a different reason, it was a way to cope with the itch.

"Penny for you thoughts." Edward's velvety voice came through the interior of my racecar. I looked over and I felt the pull at the corner of my lips trying to make me smile. I didn't reply I just stared at him in all his beauty. What someone like Edward wanted with me I wasn't sure, but I wasn't going to look to deeply either. "So how it is coming along?" He asked leaning in the window.

"Finished." I sighed tightening up on the stirring wheel and looking through the windshield.

"Really?" He asked surprised. "So how does it run?" He asked sounding anxious. I looked over and I could see many emotions in his eyes. He looked proud, anxious, and concerned.

"I haven't even taken it out yet." I said shaking my head, he looked at me confused.

"Why not?"

I sat there pondering if I was going to tell him the truth or lie and when I looked up into his truly curious eyes, I decided it was best to settle in the middle. So I gave him the partial truth.

"I just finished it a little bit ago." He waited for me to say more as if he knew that wasn't all of it, but I didn't offer up the rest. The other part was that I was afraid, I was afraid it wouldn't feel as good as it used to. I was afraid it wouldn't help me forget, that the speed wouldn't make me feel better like I had hoped. I knew I could never forget EJ, cringe, but I hoped I could ease the pain. Kind of like Edward's touch did, because honestly he wouldn't be around forever.

"Are you alright?" Edward asked of course catching my discomfort and seeing me cringe. He noticed everything.

"I am fine." I paused trying to think of a reasonable lie. "I am always a little sad when I finish a project."

"Oh well we should take her out." He suggested and I felt the warm and fuzzy feeling double at the word 'we'. Also I caught the fact that he called my car a her.

"IT is not a her." I stated teasingly, but a little serious. I was surprised hell didn't open up at the sight of Bella Swan teasing, it had been a long time.

"I am sorry, what is it?" He asked amused with a smug smile, I couldn't help but smile.

"Just as you said it is a it." I shrugged not wanting to give this racecar a gender, because if I crashed it I didn't want to have a relationship with it. So it was just that an it and nothing more.

"So when are we going to take it out?" He asked again and he was looking more and more anxious. "Or if you want to do it alone that is fine." He added quickly. It was something I had planned on doing alone, but maybe if I had someone with me then I could keep my emotions in check with which ever way things went. Plus the opportunity to spend time with Edward again was too tempting.

"How about Friday?" I suggested he made a perplexed face.

"Bella, Friday is Christmas." He reminded me of the holiday that I was trying my best not to think about.

"Yeah right." I sighed thinking. "What about Wednesday then, unless you have plans?"

"No plans, I will be there." He said smiling at me.

So it was set that on Wednesday Edward would meet me at the garage and we would take the car out for a test drive. I was anxious, scared, and extremely nervous, but the idea of Edward being there eased some worries. I hoped that I wouldn't have a full on breakdown while with him.

Being around Edward was a distraction from all the pain I was harboring, but the pain didn't disappear. When our skin made contact it eased the pain for a brief moment kind of like the pain from a tattoo gun it takes away the inner pain for a moment. Though Edward's touch was only painful, because I knew it wouldn't last. Soon he would leave and all that I will be left with the same old pain and no one to sooth the pain like he did.

As I entered the house I was struck with a sickly burning smell, I ran to the kitchen to see smoke coming out of the top of the stove. I ran over and opened the oven door, not thinking I reached in and pulled the pan out. I immediately threw it on top of the stove.

"Fuck." I said as my hand burned with pain. I went over to the sink and ran cold water over my hand, there were already blisters forming on my palm and finger tips. After a bit of the sting was gone I went back over and turned the stove off. The burnt mess in the pain appeared to be an attempt at lasagna. I was suddenly wondering what on earth my erratic harebrained mother could be doing not to smell this burning mess. I made my way down the hall to the family bathroom downstairs to get a first aid kit for my burns.

I stood frozen as I entered the bathroom, my mother laid on the floor with her head resting on the toilet, her eyes were closed. My first thought was that she was dead, but I saw her chest barely moving.

"Mom?" I said my voice chocking and shaking. Her eyes opened slowly and she looked surprised.

"Bella, I am sorry." She said tears filling her eyes. I made my way to the floor and pulled her head to my chest.

"What on earth are you apologizing for mom?" I asked tears coming to my own eyes.

"I don't like for you to see me like this." She said sniffling.

"I don't like you hiding anything from me." My hand raised to her forehead to brush her hair back and it was burning up. "Mom your burning up." I said pulling back and taking another look at her. She had cold sweet running down her forehead, she was pale, as pale as me, and that was saying something. She was shaking and the bags under her eyes were dark.

"I am going to go call Doctor Cullen." I said pulling away from her gently.

"Bella I am alright don't bother him." She said reaching for me.

"No mom your really sick I need to call him." I held in the sobs as I took one more look at her before going for the phone. I hit the speed dial on the house phone and waited.

"Hello." A slightly familiar pixy voice came through the phone.

"Is Dr. Cullen there?" I asked probably sounding horrible.

"Um no is this an emergency?" The girl asked and I wanted to scream yes the fuck it is, but I wasn't sure if it was.

"I just really need to speak to him, it is my mother." I said my voice breaking.

"I can give you his cell number?" She said more like a question.

"Oh I thought that was the number I called, sorry." I said hanging up, because I had thought that was the speed dial for his number. I hit the other speed dial number we had for him.

"Doctor Cullen." He answered in a professional tone.

"Carlisle it is Bella, I just got home and my mom is really sick." I rushed the words out as my voice crackled and broke.

"Bella dear, what is wrong?" He asked calmly, but in a more worried then professional tone.

"I came home and she was laying on the bathroom floor. She is burning up, shaking, and she is pale, really pale." I tried to explain and the more I thought about her in the bathroom the more I panicked.

_EJ laid on the white sheets pale and lifeless._ I shook the vision away and concentrated on what Carlisle was saying.

"Ok just say calm I am on my way over there. Have you called your father?" He asked and I could hear the beep of a car when you put the keys in before shutting the door.

"No."

"Ok well call him and I will be there in a moment." He said and I thanked him and hung up to call my father. I tried to calm down so I wouldn't terrify my father, but as soon as I said it was mom, it was too late for that. I went back into the bathroom and held my mothers hair while she convulsed over the toilet bowl. There was nothing left in her stomach to come up, but that didn't stop her body from trying. She leaned back onto the floor and gave me a weak smile.

"We have come a long way since the last time we both sat on the bathroom floor together." She said giving me a another weak smile, I just nodded my head.

"Yep looks like it is payback time for all the times you held my hair." I said trying to smile, but I couldn't. My mother had held my hair and watched me puke many times. She was always there for me and I wondered now how she had watched me go through so much.

_She held my hair while I puked through the first few months of my pregnancy from being pregnant and from withdrawals. Then just three years ago when I was too depressed to keep anything down, then two years ago once again having withdrawals. At that time we puked together, it was the last time we were on this floor together. I was having withdrawals once again and she was on chemo._

"Bella can you promise me something?" My mother asked her voice weak, I nodded afraid to speak.

"Mom." I started to protest, but she stopped me.

"We know it is going to happen at some time. I just want you to promise me you won't lose yourself, promise me you will live your life. Please." She pleaded and I wasn't sure this was something I could promise her.

"Mom you are not going anywhere." I sighed really hoping she didn't.

"Promise me." She pleaded. Tears ran down her cheeks as the did mine.

"I promise." I said hugging my mother.

Doctor Cullen and my father both showed up moments after each other and we moved my mom to her bed upstairs with a waste basket next to her. He checked her over for a while taking all of her vitals and a few other things. I thought he would never tell us what was going, but I knew it was the cancer. It was eating her alive..

"Well it seems to be a virus of some sort." Carlisle spoke looking at all of us. I felt slightly relieved. "With the cancer your immunities are really low and it is more difficult on your body to be sick. I am going to give you something for the fever and some vitamins to help you fight this off. Eat what you can, crackers or soup, just be sure to eat something." He told her and then went on with instructions.

My father badgered Carlisle with a million questions until he was sure that my mother didn't need to go to the hospital for further testing. Carlisle told him that he was sure she would recover from this and if she went to the hospital she was more then likely to catch something else. My mom was only concerned that she wouldn't be better for Christmas and the Cullen's party, but Carlisle seemed fairly sure that she would be better by then. Carlisle was getting ready to leave when he noticed my hand.

"Bella dear, what happened?" He asked examining my very red and blistery hand. I explained what happened and he insisted on doctoring it so I allowed him. He then left the house after we promised to call him if we needed anything else. My father was sitting on the bed next to my mother holding her hand and brushing her hair out of her face, it made me uncomfortable so I escaped to give them some alone time.

As I walked down the hall to my room, the door next to mine taunted me. I was tempted to go in, but I knew that today had been stressful enough. I might as well not have a breakdown and add to it. I laid back on my bed thinking about the promise I made to my mother, which made me think of the last time I lost myself and my thoughts drifted into memories.

_I laid on the same grave that I know visit often and I was passed out cold. A warm hand shook me awake._

"_Leave me the hell alone." I mumbled into the ground. _

"_Bella." Jacob said sounding pained and annoyed. "I know it hurts, but it has been a year. It is time for you to start healing, to start moving on. There are other people that need you." _

_I got up off the grave and looked into his dark eyes full of pity. I punched him in the chest and screamed at him, my words not coherent even for me as I said them. When I was too tired to hit him anymore he pulled me into a hug. _

"_Bella it is time for you to come home." He said in a final tone._

_It had been a year and two weeks since my baby boy was laid to rest and it felt like it only happened the day before. I had not healed at all and I felt like I never would. _

"_I don't have a home." I growled turning to run away from Jacob, he griped my arm tightly. _

"_Yes you do. Please your dad needs you, your mom is.." He didn't finish, but I could hear the pain in his voice. I looked up into his eyes._

"_My mom is what?" I asked feeling scared once again for the first time in a year. Once my world was gone there hadn't been anything for me to fear. All I wanted was to die and join him, but I was too big of coward to do it myself. Thought at this point I was getting stronger._

"_She has cancer Bells." He said with a sadness radiating off of him. Suddenly everything started spinning and I once again feared that someone I loved was going to die. _

_The tears flowed and I felt the pain in my chest. I had been sober to long (two days to be exact) and it was too painful. I ran for my bike and took off towards Port Angeles. I pulled up to the ratty old house in the worst neighbor hood. I banged on the door and I heard scurrying inside._

"_Who is it?" The familiar sadistic voice called out to me in an angry tone._

"_Bella." I yelled back. My hands shaking and the emotions torturing me. The door swung open and James smiled down at me. _

"_The usual?" He asked gesturing for me to come in. Dirty smelly mattresses laid about on the floor with half dressed people on them. Victoria, James's skank glared at me as I passed, but I paid no attention to her. Roaches crawled along the walls and floor ignoring the people in the house as if they owned the place. It smelled like piss and sex in the house, but in a minute my senses would be lost, so what did it matter. _

"_Double it." I said following him to the back of the house and he smiled greedily. I handed him all the money I had left and he handed me two little plastic bags. I dumped them on the counter and made two lines._

"_In a hurry today?" James teased as my hands shook. I usually went somewhere else to do this, but today I couldn't wait any longer. I hated myself for doing this, but it was the only way to ease the pain. The only way to see his little face and feel like he was here with me. This would be the last time so I had to make it good._

I pulled myself from my memories as the weight on my chest ached and I longed for something to ease it. I only knew of one thing that could ease that pain-my new addiction-, but I couldn't just run to him. So I pulled my knees to my chest as the pain overwhelmed me. Tears flowed from my eyes, my hands shock, I felt cold, and I wished that it was my time to die, but I knew I wasn't so lucky.

Their was a ringing in my ears and it took me a moment to realize it was the phone, I leaned over and picked it up. Maybe it was hell calling.

"Hello?" The velvety voice questioned into the phone and I felt my heart skip a beat.

**I know it ended on a sad note and I am sorry, but I will try and make the next chapter happier. Next chapter Bella takes Edward out to the race track, it will be in Edward's POV. **

**I do have one question for my readers & I hope you can review and let me know. Do you like for me to switch POV's each chapter? Or Would you rather half the chapter be Bella's POV, then the other half Edward's POV. **

**Please review, the more you review the more it motivates me to write. **


	8. Chapter 8 Can't Get You Off My Mind

**Chapter 8**

"**Can't Get You Off My Mind"**

**Edward's POV**

_Bella. _

_Luscious lips. _

_Bella. _

_Chocolate depths. _

_Bella. _

_Chestnut locks. _

_Bella. _

"Fucking A." I grumbled getting up out of my bed not being able to think of anything, but fucking Bella Swan. I hadn't been able to concentrate on anything but her beautiful broken self. I wanted to be the hot glue that slithered through the broken pieces of her, repairing her. I had seen her every fucking day since the storm and had seen her hours ago, but here I sat thinking of her. _Missing her. _Yeah I said it, I missed her. I knew only a few details about the beautiful mysterious girl, but here I sat missing her. This all is completely fucked up and I need to stop being pathetic and sitting around. _It only takes ten minutes to get to Bella's. _Shit.

"Emmett." I called making my way into the game room. He was setting up a game of pool with Jasper. "Is there a fucking bar around here where you can play that game and I can get a fucking drink." My brothers chuckled at me.

"Two times in one sentence, guess we better get your ass a drink." Emmett said hitting me on the back.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked wondering if I had said Bella's name out loud.

"The word fuck or rather you actually said fucking?" Emmett looked at me confused and I closed my eyes tight trying to clear my head. _See something that had nothing to fucking do with her and I was thinking it did. _Well I did want to fuck her, but… Stop.

"Does this town even have a bar?" Jasper asked winking at Alice as she entered the room.

"We are going out?" She asked her eyes lighting up.

"Yeah, but no one has enough fucking time to change their cloths." I grumbled heading downstairs. I didn't wait on anyone else I just went out and got into Emmett's Escalade, it was the only car that would fit all of us comfortably and I didn't feel like playing elbow tag tonight. I sat in the front drumming my fingers on the dash waiting on my slow ass siblings, _Alice better not be changing her cloths_. After what felt like forever they piled out of the house, I couldn't tell if they changed or not, because of their heavy winter coats.

"What the fuck took so long?" I asked as the car filled up.

"Easy little brother." Emmett chuckled starting up the car and pulling out of the garage.

Much to my disapproval it was an hour to the closest bar and I felt like I could of ran faster then Emmett drove. Though he was driving well over the speed limit, but I was just irritated as fuck for some reason. I couldn't put my finger on the exact reason, but I was irritable. I was never like this with Bella, is this what she had turned me into. _Shut up pussy you have barely known the girl a little over three weeks. _The cheesy neon beer lights that I refuse to use in my bars came into view and I started to feel a little better. There didn't seem to be a ton of people here which made me relived. Though it shouldn't be surprising for a Monday night. _Two more days till I take the racecar out with Bella._ We got in easily and found a table to the side of the dance floor so Alice and Rose could dance without drifting to far away.

"Can I take your order?" A small red head asked and she didn't carry a note pad or pen. Hope she has a brain in that tiny head.

Rose and Alice both ordered some girly drinks. Emmett and Jasper each got a beer, I on the other hand ordered four shots of tequila and a vodka redbull.

"Mixing tequila and vodka tonight?" Jasper asked arching an eyebrow.

"Yes captain fucking obvious." I sneered.

"Damn." Emmett shock his head laughing.

"What?" Did I mention I was irritable.

"We have to do something about your vocabulary, because I am beginning to think you only know one word." Alice said pursing her lips at me. I rolled my eyes at her as the waitress brought us our drinks and I was fucking glad that she didn't forget our orders.

I threw back the first shot of tequila. _Bella. _Second shot. _Racecars. _Third shot. _Ivory skin. _Fourth shot. _Tequila. _

I sat back in my chair and waited for the buzz to come, because those were pretty big fucking shot glasses and I hadn't ate all day. Bella and I hadn't gone to lunch, we had just sat in her car and talked. _Ahh Bella._

"Better?" Rose asked smirking at me. I glared at her as I started sipping on my drink, but it was really bitter following the shots, but what the fuck did I care.

"Lets go dance." Alice said dragging Rose towards the dance floor. I looked over to were they went to see a handful of half dressed women dancing along with the music. When I turned back to the table, two sets of similar eyes landed on me. Jasper and Emmett had our fathers eyes and I had grandma Masen's eyes.

"What the fuck you dumb fucks looking at?" They both had smirks on their smug little faces.

"Edward can I ask you something?" Jasper asked being serious.

"You just.." I didn't get to finish Emmett interrupted me.

"When was the last time you had a piece of ass?" He slammed his fist down on the table arching an eyebrow at me.

I looked at him annoyed that he was in my business, but that was a good question. I thought for a moment and the last time was three and half weeks ago on the plane. Damn. I then tried to remember the last time I whacked off and was disturbed that it was a week ago. What the hell?

"That explains it all." Jasper chuckled.

"Alright time to get little brother laid again." Emmett sighed humorously. Emmett had made it his mission to get me laid for the first time, not that I needed any help, but he wanted to have a hand in taking away my virtue. My first time was with Tanya, a family friend that was Emmett's age, I was only fifteen at the time. Lets just say that I wasn't very impressive, but I made it up to Tanya through the years. Now I was a sex machine and the girl couldn't keep from jumping my bones every time she saw me. Well actually it should be a singular, bone. That's better.

"What about her?" Emmett asked pointing across the bar at a bubbly blonde sipping on what looked like a margarita.

"Too blonde." I sighed.

"Alright, what about her?" He pointed to another girl.

"Too tall."

"Her?"

"To pudgy."

"Hey big girls need loving too." Emmett joked and I glared at him. "Fine, her."

It went on like this until he had pointed out nearly every girl in the bar, there was something wrong with each of them. Too short, too tan, too blue-eyed-yeah that one got questions. The girl I wanted had chestnut hair, chocolate eyes, ivory skin, and a adorable little nose. None of these girls compared to her.

"Hey guys." A familiar husky voice distracted my thoughts.

"Hey Jake." Jasper greeted. When I looked up I saw Jacob standing in front of the table a drink in one hand and a curvy girl on his arm.

"This is my date Leah.." Jacob gave introductions and Alice invited him to sit with us. I liked that he had a date, because that made me feel better about the time he spent with Bella. I wasn't paying attention to the conversation, but I did catch something about Jake stood Leah up earlier in the day for dinner and was making it up to her now. Alice asked why and he had said he had to go tend to the garage.

"A lot of flats today?" Emmett teased Jacob, there was a pause and I had to look up. Jacob looked worried, which wasn't the reaction I was expecting.

"No Charlie and Bella had to be home." Jacob answered and for a moment his eyes meet mine. I was curious as hell, I knew something was up and it was bugging me. I suddenly had the nagging feeling that I needed to call Bella.

"I am going to run to the men's room." I said getting up from the table.

"Boy can't mix tequila and vodka." Jasper chuckled thinking I was getting sick. Nope that would come later, but right now I felt sick in a different way. I stood in a small area that was quiet and pulled out my phone realizing I didn't have Bella's number.

"Hey man." Jacob said coming into my quiet space.

"What is going on?" I asked. He knew exactly what I was talking about.

"I am only telling you, because I can tell you care about Bells, but if you hurt her I will kill you." He warned and he sounded completely serious. I nodded in conformation and he continued. "Bells mom is sick, doc said it was just a virus, but I know it freaked Bells out."

"She alright?" I took a deep breath.

"She was pretty upset and worried."

"Do you think I could get her number from you?" I asked Jacob, he paused for a moment thinking.

"I guess it can't hurt, it is in the phone book after all." I handed Jacob my phone and he punched the number in.

"Thanks."

"Sure, sure."

The phone rang a few times and I felt a little panicked, because I didn't even know what to say. The ringing stopped and I could hear someone breathing into the phone, but no one answered.

"Hello?" I questioned feeling like a complete idiot. I could feel the alcohol starting to cloud my mind. _Great now it kicks in._

"Hi." Bella's broken voice came through the phone.

"Hi." I said again like I was in junior high. We were quiet for awhile longer.

"Are you there?" Bella asked sounding a little more composed, but panicked.

"Yeah I am here." For some reason I was lost of words and not sure what to say. _Yeah I heard your mom wasn't well and I had to call you because I miss you and I can't stop thinking about you. Plus I was afraid you may have another breakdown. _No that wouldn't work at all. "Did I wake you?"

"Umm no." I could hear her let out a heavy sigh.

"I was just calling to see if you wanted to.." _Think Cullen. _"to have lunch tomorrow."

"I would love to, but my mom is sick and I need to stay and help Charlie." She sounded so sad.

"Is she going to be alright?" I asked, wanting nothing more then to hold Bella, but I would have to be content with hearing her voice.

"For now." I heard her whisper, to herself, then she answered me louder. "Your father said it is just a virus and she should be better in a few days."

"That is good, are you alright?"

"I am fine." I could hear in her voice that she wasn't fine, but what was I suppose to say.

"Everything is going to be alright." I tried to assure her, but in truth I knew that her mother was a stage four cancer patient and soon everything would indeed not be fine.

"Thanks." Bella said with a yawn.

"I should let you get some rest, I hope your mom is better soon. If you need anything let us know." I wanted to tell her if she needed anything to let _me _know, but that may be a little wired. I knew that Bella and I would be considered friends by now, but it just didn't seem like I should get that personal yet. I reluctantly hung up the phone and made my way back to the table.

At the table I saw what looked like an intense situation, some guy was leaning down and smiling sadistically at Jacob, who looked like he was barely keeping his shit together. I sat down in my spot and tried to catch up with whatever the fuck was going on. Apparently I hadn't missed much.

"So Jacob how is Swan doing?" The man with long blonde hair asked, he was wearing a leather jacket and had a small posse behind him. A red head that looked like she was skitzen on something and a guy with dark hair who appeared to be higher then a kite. Who was this guy and was he talking about Bella?

"Fuck off James." Jacob grumbled his hands clinched into fist on the table.

"Awe don't be like that, I was just wondering how my favorite girl was doing?"

"She isn't your girl, she never was." Jacob growled at him and I was suddenly irritated as fuck by this guy. Who the hell was he?

"Well she isn't my girl now, but she was once upon a time and she will be again." The guy named James whispered the words, but I could still hear them. I stood up pissed that he was talking about Bella being his girl, what the hell. I couldn't see Bell with this asshole.

"I think you need to back off." I said as I flanked Jacob's side, whom was now also standing.

"Really? And who the fuck are you to tell me what you think I should do?" James asked smirking not even looking worried.

"That is fucking irrelevant, but I could turn into your worst nightmare real fast." I warned in a menacing voice. He arched an eyebrow at me and chuckled.

"So Jacob." James went on ignoring me, which pissed me off even more. "It is has been a couple years now, I guess Bella will be coming to see me soon." He sounded so confident and I was still confused, but I didn't like Bella's name coming out of his mouth.

"Doubt it. Bella is done with that shit and she is done with you,." Jacob was obviously wanting to sound confident, but I could hear a little bit of worry in his voice.

"Well see." James gave us a nod and turned to leave, I relaxed a little, but then he looked back at us. "Tell Bella I said hi and when her world falls apart once again I will have a little something to make it better."

"You son of a bitch." Jacob growled lunging for James, but Emmett grabbed him mid leap and held him back. "Let me the fuck at him." Jacob said still yanking at James, who just laughed and continued into the back part of the bar.

"Dude calm down, not here, not know." Emmett warned nodding towards the officers that had just stepped in. We paid our tab and made our way out of the bar, Jacob's date called a cab obviously not liking the nights events. Jacob rode with us, because Alice insisted that we take him home. He hadn't had a lot to drink, but he was still pretty pissed. We were quiet the whole ride and when we pulled up to Jacob's house I offered to take him to get his car in the morning.

"Sure, sure." He answered getting out of the car and walking slowly through the rain to his house. So much for getting Bella off my mind, because now I had a hundred fucking more questions. So naturally she was once again all I could think off.

* * *

I pulled up to Jacob's house and he made his way out to my car. He got in giving me a little nod as if saying he was ready to roll, but he didn't say anything. He seemed worried or distant, not that we were all buddy-buddy on a regular basis, but he did usually seemed more laid back.

"Everything cool?" I asked speeding off onto the wet/icy highway headed out of town to the bar where his car was left last night after our run-in with the prick James. He shrugged his shoulders and I was hoping that he was going to talk to me about James or Bella, but he didn't say anything. I let out a heavy sigh and turned the radio up, because the silence was fucking driving my ass insane.

We were half way to the bar and Jacob reached over and turned down the radio, I was about to say something, because no one fucking touched my radio, but he had a serious look on his face.

"Bella is my best friend, like a sister to me. I love her to death, she is the strongest, but the weakest girl I know. Protecting and watching out for her is a full time job, but I will do so for as long as I live. What I am getting at is that Bella has a" He paused making sure he got the perfect word to explain her. "Complicated past and her future looks rocky. I wont go into detail, because it isn't my place, but if you see something that worries you please let me know. I know you two are spending a lot of time together so if something is off then tell me."

I thought about what he said and I could see the worry in his face, he really did love Bella and not in the way that would make me jealous. Ok so I was still a little jealous and I fucking hated it. He at least had a stable relationship with Bella, which I did not and may never.

"Don't worry I will take care of her." There was more emotion in my voice then I meant for there to be, but it was real emotion. I cared for Bella.

"For now." He agreed. _Forever. _Wait? Forever wasn't possible, Jacob was right for now, because soon I would leave. _You don't have to leave. _My subconscious argued and I pushed it back, because I would have to leave. I didn't want to think about that so I changed the topic at hand.

"Who was that prick at the bar last night?"

"James." Jacob growled and his hands clenched into fist. "Local scumbag drug dealer."

"Were him and Bella together?" I had to ask, I couldn't see Bella with someone like him.

_Please say no. Please fucking say no._

"Not intimately, ha James wishes. Though it is unfortunate that he is a part of her dark past, a part I hope to keep in her past and not have a repeat of." I then knew that Bella had been an addict or at least a user. It explained the way everyone watched her and it explained why she didn't drink, but the thing that worried me was what had lead her to that. I could see she had a beautiful soul and she seemed above drug use and thugs like James, so what had pushed her over the edge, what pushed her so far? We pulled into the bar parking lot and Jacob paused with his hand on the door handle.

"Thanks Edward." I could hear the double meaning in his words he wasn't just talking about the ride, he was talking about everything.

"Anytime, see you around." He nodded and hoped out of my car. I waited for him to get in his car and start it up before I whipped around and pulled back onto the highway.

My mind wondered to Bella and I couldn't even see the road ahead of me, I drove in a daze. Bella had been a user or possibly an addict, which I had assumed from our little talk. What would push her to that? I had a feeling that the pain ridden broken Bella, isn't the same Bella that she has always been. I could see the sea of pain all over her in her beautiful brown eyes, in her posture, and in her soul. I could see all that pain and I only wanted to do one thing end that pain. She was beautiful and bright any fool could see that I just couldn't understand the level of pain she felt.

Floating in my thoughts I found myself coming to a stop, but not at my parents house. At the beautiful broken brunettes house, what am I doing here? I sat for a moment contemplating if I wanted to go in or not. What would I say? What would my reason for being here be? Bella would probably think I was stocking her or some shit like that. Though I am getting a bit stockerish if you think about. Just then I heard another car pull up and was more then happy to see it was my mothers charcoal Mercedes. I got out of the car and jogged over to open her door for her.

"Edward son what are you doing here?" She asked with a certain amusement in her eyes. I saw the pot in her hand, no doubt food for Renee.

"I came to help you with this." I said taking the pot from her and by the smell of it, it was her famous chicken and dumpling soup. I used to pretend I was sick as a kid so she would make this very soup for me.

"Ah." She said smiling all big at me and nodding her head. I knew she didn't buy it and by the look in her eyes she knew why I was here. There is no fooling mom, I just shock my head and pretended that I didn't notice that she knew. As we made our way up the steps and mom rang the door bell I suddenly felt really nervous. What if Bella didn't want me here? I didn't have to much time to think about it, the front door swung open and there she stood. My eyes raked from her feet first and had to smile, she was wearing those fuzzy crazy stripped socks that old ladies wear. She had on sweat pants, that were rolled up to just below the knee, then she donned a Forks athletic shirt. I could not imagine Bella playing sports, but it was a possibility. When my eyes finally meet her face she had a small smile pulling at her lips and she looked happy-no not happy more like relived to see me.

"Hello Bella dear, I made some soup for your mother. How is she feeling today?" Esme asked as Bella moved to the side so we could enter the house, tearing her eyes from raking my body. It made me feel a little confident to see her checking me out. Though I am never sure if she likes what she sees or not, because the pain is so dominate most of the time.

"She is feeling much better, Carlisle was right she should be better by tomorrow." Bella answered smiling, but it didn't reach her eyes. She looked sort of relieved at her mothers wellness, but I could see the underlying worry. It was strange the way I could see the emotions in her eyes, it felt like I had known her forever.

"Here let me get that." Bella said reaching out to take the pot of soup from me and she rested her hands on mine, it made my stomach flutter. There was a warmness in her touch that I longed for and it seemed as our skin make contact we both relaxed a little. Did I have the same effect on her as she did on me?

"I got it." I said not wanting to loose her touch, but also not wanting to let her carry the pot of warm soup. I gave her a warm smile and headed for the kitchen sitting the soup on the counter, when I turned around Bella had a strange look on her face. She was staring at me speculating, she looked at me then around the kitchen a slight confusion crossed her features, then like a light bulb the realization that she didn't know I had been here before came on me. She had been unconscious the days I had come over and had no idea that I was here. That I stood here in her kitchen bringing in food for her from my mother, watching her through her bedroom door.

We stood there staring for what seemed like forever, but not long enough at the same time. As corny as that fucking shit sounded I didn't care, because Bella brought the pansy out in me. If it was Bella then I would allow it, because she was extraordinaire to me, one of a kind.

"Bell." Charlie stopped short taking in the rooms atmosphere. I hadn't even realize that I had approached Bella, we were within inches of each other, I could feel her quickened breaths, but as Charlie entered we both jumped back. Charlie cleared his throat and continued. "Bella your mother wanted to know if you would run out to the shed and get out grandma's recipe book, she said you knew where it was. She wants to give Esme a recipe out of it." Charlie explained and Bella nodded her head risking one small glance at me and leaving the room. Her face was red as if she was embarrassed and I really wished I knew what she was thinking.

Charlie walked over and poured himself a cup of coffee and since I was now across the room I took a seat in one of the kitchen chairs. Charlie turned to glare at me sipping his coffee, he wasn't saying anything, but his eyes were saying everything. He was warning me, he was daring me, and he was disapproving of me. I could see all of it and feel all of it radiating off of him. I didn't back down I glared back sending him the same message, letting him know I was here and he couldn't scare me off.

_What the fuck do you mean you are here? You will have to leave at some point._

My subconscious reminded me again, but I didn't let off from the glare I was throwing at Charlie. I knew he was just a father who cared for his daughter, but I hated that everyone always acted like her and I being friends was a negative thing. As my mother entered the room Charlie turned the glare off and gave her a sincere smile. I also regained my composure.

"I am about to head home if you, Renee, or Bella need anything you'll call me." My mother ordered Charlie and he nodded his head in agreement, though she didn't leave much room for argument.

"Of course, thank you for stopping by." Charlie told her and I could tell it meant a lot to him. He didn't seem like someone who was comfortable with his emotions, but also having trouble letting them show. I would guess watching the women you love suffer would do strange things to you.

"Edward dear, will you be coming along with me?" My mother asked with that same sparkle in her eye from earlier. What was that?

"I will be right behind you I just want to say bye to Bella." I gave her an angelic smile and she nodded turning to leave.

Charlie walked my mother out and I headed to the living room wondering if Bella was going to come back down or not. Bella still hadn't returned down stairs, but Charlie did make his way back in and take a seat in the recliner. He flipped the television on and his eyes glued to the screen.

I let my eyes wonder around the room and I was drawn to the mantle that housed pictures of Bella over the years. I looked closer seeing a different girl then the girl I knew. She was the Bella I could see deep in her soul, she was happy. She had the same long chestnut hair, chocolate eyes, but she looked healthier. She was by no means fat, but she had a little more muscle on her, now she was just bones and a thin layer of skin. There were three pictures that caught my attention, the first was a senior picture of Bella, I could tell by the mark on the corner. It was of her laying across a set with her elbow propped up on a racing helmet, she had her hand under her chin and a beautiful smile on her lips. She looked amazing, by the year that was in the corner of the picture Bella had to be twenty-five or so now. The second picture was of Bella holding a trophy over her head, the trophy was huge, but she held it up easily. The biggest smile ever plastered across her face, she looked amazing. The last picture was of her and Jacob, they were standing side by side looking at each other making goofy faces. Jacob was sticking his tongue out and Bella had her eyes bugged and her nose scrunched. Even with the silly face she looked beautiful and happy, so happy.

"She looks happy, huh." Charlie's voice startled me, but only because of the close proximity. He was standing right next to me staring at the pictures along with me. I just nodded my head and reached out to trace the smile on her face.

"The Bella then and the Bella now are like two totally different people. I would give anything to have my little girl back." He said it so low I am not sure if he was speaking to me anymore, I could hear the heartbreak in his voice. I looked up to see his eyes holding the strongest emotions in them, Charlie seemed like a private man, but just like his daughter his face was an open book.

"She is still here you know." I said trying to understand why he couldn't see that. Sure Bella was different, but she was still alive and well right?

"Not the same." He sighed and looked away from the picture to me. "After you know everything come find me and I will explain the difference to you."

I stood there and stared at the picture until Bella finally came back down. She was surprised to see I was still here, but didn't look bothered by it. I was however the one that was surprised and excited when she told me to meet her at the garage at ten and we would still take the cars out. Since her mother was doing a lot better. She seemed very nervous and looked very anxious as she asked me if I was still up for going, but that changed when I assured her I wouldn't miss it. A smile lit up her lips and it warmed my soul, she looked so happy to know she would see me tomorrow. Not as happy as the girl in the pictures, but happy for the girl I knew as Bella.

All the way home I couldn't get the Bella in the photos out of my mind. I wanted to see her happy like that, hell I wanted to make her happy like that. The photo and the girl might as well be two totally different people. Just as Charlie had said.

Bella Swan had me fucking all messed up in the head, there was so much to learn about her. She was the biggest fucking puzzle in the world and I had made it my mission to put her together piece by fucking piece.

**Coming up next: Bella and Edward will be hitting the race track, also Bella will share something very personal with Edward. The next chapter will be up soon.**

**A/N: Alright hope you enjoyed the chapter if so let me know. *points down***

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**V**


	9. Chapter 9 Speedy Secrets

**Chapter 9**

**"Speedy Secrets"**

Bella's POV

My worry for my mother and missing _him_ were my main thoughts majority of the time, but lately a pair of jade eyes have been slipping into my mind. I was beginning to get addicted to Edward, seeing him on a daily basis. He would just show up and then him calling out of the blue the other night, it was like he was forming an addiction to me also. Then again he probably just felt sorry for me or something, I don't know what someone like him would want with me, but I would take what I could get. He eased the pain and made me forget my mess of a life for a little bit, so I would take what I could get.

I finished pulling my chucks on and headed down the hall to my mothers room, I peeked inside the door not wanting to disturb her. She was laying on the bed staring off into space, I felt a weight on my chest looking at her dazed face.

"Bella, sweetie where are you off too?" She asked her voice a little hoarse, she was doing better with the virus, but I think the cancer was affecting her today.

"I was going to go take the car out, but if you want me to stay I can." I said quickly taking a seat on the corner of her bed. She gave me a small smile while her eyes sparkled a little.

"No go you need to get out of the house." She smiled placing her hand on mine, her hand was freezing cold so I rubbed it trying to warm it. "Are you going alone?"

"No." I admitted looking at our joined hands.

"Are you going with a certain green eyed beauty?" She asked and I looked up to see her smirking. I felt heat rise to my cheeks which was something that used to be a common thing, but had been missing for a few years.

"Did Esme tell you?" I asked rolling my eyes at their old lady gossip.

"Actually no." She chuckled lightly and then sighed before continuing. "I think he is good for you, there is a light in your eyes that I haven't seen in years." I started shaking my head at her.

"It isn't like that ma' we are just…" I thought trying to classify my strange relationship with Edward. "Friends."

"I think he wants to be more then friends. You and Jacob are friends, but Edward he has eyes for you." She said rubbing my hand and I didn't give her words a chance to even sink in.

"No we are friends nothing more." I sighed trying to fight back the idea of us being anything more then that.

"Whatever you say, you have fun and please be careful." She patted my hand and I gave her a kiss on the cheek before leaving her room. My father was in the kitchen as I headed to the coat closet to get my jacket.

"Hey dad I am heading out." I said when he didn't come out of the kitchen to see me out.

"Be careful and don't be driving like a fool. You are out of practice so take it easy on the turns, you hear me kid?" He peeked around the corner and gave me a stern look.

"Sure, sure." I recited the words of my good friend Jacob, though I couldn't quite muster the tone that he uses.

"I am serious Bells be careful."

"I will dad. What are you doing in there anyway?"

"Warming up some food that Esme sent over, she sure can cook." He grinned rubbing his stomach. I left the house shaking my head and ready to head to the garage. _Ready to see Edward._ I went around back to my old Chevy truck, it was a beast and what I used to pull my racecar and trailer. The thing looked ancient, but Jacob and I had redone the engine so it runs almost as good as new.

As I walked around the side of the house a breeze went through the yard making something catch out of the corner of my eye, something I was trying to avoid. The swing hung from the large Oak tree in our yard blowing in the breeze, I stood frozen my eyes stuck on it. I could hear _his_ laugh in the air as the swing moved back and forth. I could hear _his_ little voice in my head as myself, Jacob, my dad, or my mom would push him in the sing. "Tiher, tiher." Which in his own little way meant 'higher, higher.' Thoughts to other moments started to come to my mind and I whipped them back and continued to my truck.

_No crying today. Don't cry._

I was in a complete daze as I drove trying not to think of anything at all, but not able to completely ignore the crushing weight on my chest. It was intense and I hoped that I would be able to hold myself together. Just for today let me hold myself together.

_Two hundred mile per hour theory here I come._

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Edward's POV

_Where is she?_

I though as I paced back and forth in front of the garage.

_She is only five minutes late she will be here. _

These internal conversations were getting annoying I was either going crazy or turning into a girl, either way was not something I fucking wanted. Though I would be up for the going crazy part before the turning into a fucking girl part. The roar of an engine made me look up to see the definition of a piece of shit. A old Chevy came barreling in at what was probably its top speed and did a quick turn to back up to the garage with ease. I could see the mahogany hair through the back windshield and as Bella stepped out of the truck the piece of shit was forgotten and all I could see was beauty. The sun was peeking over the clouds lighting a beautiful red to her hair and making her skin glow a little. Though it was still pale in comparisons to most, and the sadness in her eyes was there at the brim. She was barely together today and I was thinking maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"You still up for this?" I asked her trying to reign in some of the concern, but I couldn't help it.

"Yeah, you?" She asked and I saw a little panic cross her face, but she composed herself before I could be sure.

"I am here aren't I." I joked hoping to ease her. She smiled a little nodding and opening the garage up. The car was now up on a trailer and ready to be hooked up to the truck and go, I helped Bella back the truck up and she hooked the trailer with ease. I was pretty sure she could do it with her eyes closed. Once we were on the road it was silent other then the roar or her accent truck. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but I had the need to distract her from whatever was on her mind.

"Is this as fast as this thing goes?" I asked teasing as we approached only fifty.

"Don't hate you shiny Volvo driver." She teased right back.

"Ha, actually drive a Vanquish." I smirked, but she didn't look surprised.

"I figured it was something like that, but here you drive a Volvo." She corrected and I liked this side of Bella, the sadness was starting to fade a little so I kept up with the light banter. The ride to Hoquiam was long, but speaking to Bella made it go by in a blur. Per usual I mostly talked about myself since Bella didn't give much about herself.

"Bella Swan long time no see." A man inside a booth next to the gate said smiling at her.

"Hey Robbie, can we get in for a few laps?" She asked giving him her fake smile, the one I hate seeing. I wanted the real thing.

"Sure thing anything for Charlie's kid, have fun." He lifted the gate and we made our way into the parking area of the track. Bella went through the spots through another gated area and into the pit area. There were only a few other cars down in the area and Bella pulled into a spot with grace, she got out and headed back to the trailer. She pulled some suits and helmets out of the toolbox.

"These should fit you they are my dads." She said throwing me a suit and helmet.

"Am I going to need these?" I asked suddenly a little worried at all the equipment.

"Better safe then sorry. Don't worry your in good hands." She smirked pulling her suit on and then pulling her hair into a ponytail, exposing her soft white neck. _Good hands indeed. _

"All-star Bella?" A voice asked as a guy approached Bella, not sure why but I felt the need to protect her even though there was no risk in sight. Bella swung around at the voice.

"Alistair we both know that is your nickname not mine." Bella said with a slight irritation in her tone as she gave the guy a awkward hug, that brought on a jealous tint to my thoughts.

"Is this yours?" Alistair asked pointing at Bella's car.

"Yep." Bella sighed she didn't seem to interested in this conversation.

"You taking her out." He asked and I waited for Bella to correct him like she did me, saying that it was an it, not a her.

"That is why I am here." She sighed. I could tell by the way she shuffled her feet and her eyes stared at the ground that she didn't want to have this conversation.

"We better get to it." I said breaking up the conversation. Bella sent me a thankful glance and the guy talking to her shot daggers at me.

"Well it was good seeing you, but he is right." She didn't sound like it was good to see him. He nodded and turned away leaving mumbling about seeing her around. Bella joined me up on the trailer.

"Thank you." She sighed looking grateful.

"Who was that guy?" I asked nodding to his retreating figure.

"Alistair was one of my main competitions back in the day, I would always beat him by just a little bit, then he moved up and he started winning. I am sure he is just worried that I am going to start racing again and give him some competition for those titles." She sounded confident, but she sounded humble as if it didn't make a difference to her. We both hopped into the car through the windows and she got everything adjusted and started it up. It was loud, louder then her truck, but racecars usual were. I was proud of the fact that she built this, she let it run for a minute before driving it off the trailer. I pulled my helmet on she already had hers on.

"You are going to race again aren't you?" I yelled through the helmet and over the engine, thinking that was the point in building a car.

"Maybe, maybe not." She said turning the car around and heading for the track. That confused me, why would she build a car if she didn't plan on racing it, then again it may of just been a way to keep her busy. Though it still seemed a waste, pointless to me. The track wasn't like the NASCAR race track, it was a dirt track with bleachers only on one side of the track. She started out driving slow around the track getting a feel for it again, I didn't talk letting her concentrate on what she was doing. Her speed increased and she looked like she was somewhere else in the zone. I could feel the wind blowing in through the windows. I couldn't take my eyes off of her as she focused on the track and turned the wheel holding it with ease, you would think she was born to do this. Which I guess if you think about it she was, she was born into a family or racers. The wind was getting more powerful and I looked at the track to only see everything going by in a blur, we would get around one corner and would be at the next before I knew it. I glanced over at the dashboard, she was reaching two hundred miles per hour. I drove fast and even got my car to one sixty, but two hundred was a little scary. Though she didn't look any different then she did driving at fifty in her truck. For the speed you would think the ride around the track would be a little rough, but it wasn't she glided the car gracefully. The speed was natural to her, but when she didn't slow once the car reached over two hundred I started to hold onto the guard rills. I didn't want to disturb her, but she was going awfully fast and honestly I was a little scared.

Her foot keep going down on the pedal and it was at the point now where it touched the floor and couldn't go down any further. The car was at two twenty and my heart was beating about as fast as we were going, my stomach in my chest. I kept looking from her to the track and back to her. After a moment she gradually started to slow and about the time she got down to fifty or so the car started to wobble she was losing control. The car spun around and stopped in the middle of the track and died, a sob broke through the now quiet cabin of the car. I looked at her shocked and took my helmet off.

"Bella?" My voice exposed my fear, I felt like such a pussy. She pulled her helmet off and I saw the fat tears rolling down her red cheeks. She took deep breaths trying to calm herself, I waited.

"I am sorry I should of done this alone." She said her voice breaking, I didn't understand fully what she meant, but I had a feeling it had something to do with the sadness that makes up this Bella, I wished I could get her back to the Bella I saw in the photo's.

"It is fine I am glad I am here." I soothed her.

"I thought it would help with the pain, I thought it would relax me. Make everything cease to exist for a few minutes, because it hurts so bad all the time. Well almost all the time. I don't know what to do anymore, I am so lost." She was crying and shaking her head. I had so many questions but I held them back and let her get all this off her chest.

"I just don't understand why the world hates me so much. First they take him from me, now as if that isn't enough they are going to take my mother also. It is like no matter how hard I try to make up for my past it will never be enough. I don't understand why me? Why me?" She asked again and I pulled her into my arms holding her close. She was breaking my heart and I had no idea what she was talking, but I comforted her and she let me. She melted into my touch and I stroked her beautiful hair loving the feel of her in my arms. She smelled of exhaust and strawberries, it was a weird combination, but I liked it. I inhaled her and hoped that somehow I could make her better.

I let her cry thinking over her words she had said the world too 'him' from her. Who was that? Who was he? I guess a death could cause her pain, but who could she of lost that would make her so lost? Her father was still alive and her best friend Jacob. Could it be an ex? There was so much I didn't know or understand, but I wanted to. To be honest the though of Bella with another guy wasn't something I liked to think about. It was crazy, but true. Though it was becoming obvious that I was crazy for this girl.

"The world doesn't hate you, no one or anything could ever hate you." I told her still stroking her hair as she cried into my chest. "Tell me what I can do, I will do anything." I whispered.

"Your doing it." She spoke so low I barely caught it and I still wasn't sure I heard her correct, but I held her close and let her get all the tears out. I hummed her a melody that had been stuck in my head for days, but I hadn't played any music since I got here. I hadn't done a lot of things since I got her, since I met Bella.

After a little bit Bella composed herself and we loaded the car back up and headed back to Forks. The ride back was completely silent as I battled with so many questions.

_Who had Bella lost? Who had saved Bella? Were the two the same person? Would I ever learn more about her? Why did she have a hold over me? What pushed her to drugs? What could I do to save her?_

"I am sorry about earlier." Bella said breaking my thoughts, there was embarrassment and shame in her voice. I choose my words carefully.

"You are hurting I can see that and you have nothing to be sorry for. Every now and then we need to break down you are welcome to my shoulder anytime. You have my number, use it." I saw the corner of her mouth pull up a little, but she didn't smile.

"Thanks." She spoke quietly, still embarrassed that was obvious by the blush on her cheeks.

"Your welcome." It was then that I realized that we were back at the garage. _That was a fast trip._ I helped Bella unload the car and trailer, then we stood awkwardly quiet for a moment. I looked up at Bella and I saw her eyes raking over me, then she bit her lower lip. My jeans suddenly started to fit a little tighter and I squirmed under her eyes, my bodies reaction to her was inappropriate at this time, but there was nothing I could do about it. The sun was low in the sky and I realized we had been gone longer then originally planned. The orange glow from the lowering sun hit her face as her chestnut hair hung forward in her face as she stared at me. I wasn't sure what to say, what was there to say. I just wanted to touch her, she looked so warm. She looked so tired, so sad.

My hand reached out on its own and brushed her hair behind her ear with the tips of my fingers, so I could fully see her beautiful heart shaped face. She stood extremely still as I did this, almost like a statue. Then her face tilted a little towards were my hand still lingered. Suddenly my palm was cubing her cheek, which I didn't authorize, but it felt amazing to touch her. A strange electrical charge ran through us, the warm and fuzzes intensified.

I stared into her deep chocolate eyes as she stared back at me, it felt like she was looking into my soul as I looked into hers. The moment was so intense, though no words were shared. _How could a look and small touch be so intense._

I wanted to stay like this, because it seemed like the sadness eased in her eyes as I touched her. I would stand like this forever if it eased her pain, the pain I knew nothing about.

"You look so tired." I ran the pad of my thumb across the bag under her eye. They were really dark and deep, it was more then one night of lost sleep. It looked like years, she didn't answer me. She just sighed leaning more into my touch.

"What has broken you Bella Swan?" As if I hadn't already said enough to ruin the moment, my mouth continued to speak. She stiffened under my hand and I could see she was brought back to reality. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes tight. I removed my hand from her face and pinched the bridge of my nose. I was so stupid. "Sorry I didn't mean to say that."

She looked up at me confused, but then she answered in a extremely low voice.

"I want to tell you, but I can't. If there was anyone I wanted to tell it would be you, but I just can't." Her voice broke and I just did it. I pulled her into a tight hug and held her close. She wanted to tell me, she felt connected to me like I did to her.

"When you can I will be waiting." I wanted to hold her in my arms forever, but I didn't want to upset her more.

I had no idea who this guy was that I became, but it didn't matter to me anymore. This girl had captured my interest and I couldn't seem to get away from her. I wanted to be everything for her. It was a strange feeling, we had this connection that I didn't understand, but it was there.

"I will see you tomorrow night?" My voice sounded unsure as I asked her. She looked up at me confused as I released her from my arms. "My mothers yearly Christmas Eve party." I reminded her and she nodded in conformation.

"I will be there." She assured me and my heart did a happy dance. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. I hated leaving Bella it was like a force was trying to pull me back to her every time I left her, it was almost painful.

I would be counting the minutes until I saw her again. I looked down at the hand that had cupped her cheek and smiled thinking of the way her skin felt under my hands. I could still smell her strawberry lavender scent on my from our hug, I took deep breaths never wanting to lose that smell.

_A women can not know the power she holds over a man when she steals his heart._

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	10. Chapter 10 Mistletoe is for Children

**Chapter 10**

"**Mistletoe is for Children"**

**Bella's POV**

I was extremely embarrassed for breaking down in front of Edward, but I was also happy he was there. The way he held me calmed me and made me want to be in his arms forever. He had arms that were like the wings of an angel embracing me and protecting me. My head fit perfectly on his shoulder and his scent soothed me. I couldn't wait to see him again, I couldn't wait to feel him next to me again. Something about him pulsed feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time, some that I had never felt. I was trying so hard not to get attached or addicted to him, but it was becoming inevitable. I just hoped it was the same for him, but that wasn't likely. I knew there was something there, I mean I could feel it in his touch and see it in his jade eyes, but how could I be sure. I was too broken for us to be anything more then friends, but yet I wanted more. I wanted to be closer to him, I wanted to feel more of him and less of everything else. The feelings he brought in me were peaceful and pleasant, unlike the way everything else in the world made me feel.

I wanted so badly to tell him everything, every little secret that I held. I was almost sure that it would be refreshing to get it all out and I knew that I could trust him not to judge. Edward wasn't a judgmental person, he was kind natured and sweet. I knew he had another side to him and I wondered if I would ever see that other side. His tattoos and language both proved the fact that I didn't know every side of him. I guess something about me brought out the sweet natured side, which was mostly because I had fragile written all over me.

Though as badly as I wanted to tell him I just didn't know how. It would be emotionally tormenting for me to tell him everything, but I wanted to let him in on a little bit more at the most. If the time presented itself again I promised myself that I would let him in on more, because he was the one person I _wanted _to tell. Anyone else I had told was because I _had _to, but with him it was different.

I sat in my room staring into my closet trying to decide what to wear to the Cullen's Christmas Party, this was my second year to go, but unlike last year I wanted to look nice. I knew it was all for Edward, but at least for once in a long time I wanted to dress up. Though my wardrobe was seriously lacking in that area, due to weight loss and the fact that I could care less about my apperance.

"Bella." My fathers voice called up to my room. "You have a guest." I froze immediately trying to think of who it could be. I knew it wasn't Jake, because he would just come up without introductions. _Could it be Edward?_ What would he be doing here? I hurried out of my room in time to see Alice coming up the stairs towards me.

"Hello Bella." She greeted me with a beautiful smile and her bell like voice.

"Hi." My voice sounded just as surprised and disappointed as I was.

"I come baring gifts." She said holding up two perfectly wrapped shinny boxes in each hand. I really hated getting gifts.

"Um you shouldn't have. I don't have anything for you."

"Trust me this was more for me then you." She gave me a once over and then smirked. "Defiantly more for me."

"Thanks." I mumbled as she handed me two of the boxes.

"These are you mothers." She said holding up the other two looking around. I lead Alice into my mothers room, my mom was sitting at her makeup table brushing her hair. Alice made us both open our gifts at the same time.

As I opened the first box I pulled out a pair of white high top boots, not good with fashion I wasn't sure why or with what I would ever wear these? I opened the second box and found a white long sweater, it looked warm and I really liked it.

"Thank you Alice." I said smiling, but still unsure about the boots. Alice had gotten my mother a dress that was long and very elegant, then a pair of shoes to go along with it also. I am sure to most people buying them an outfit on the day of a event would be insulating, but not to us. We loved it and I was thankful to have something to wear, well that was until I learned that the sweater was actually a dress.

.com/cgi/set?id=15075259 (Bella's Outfit)

I wasn't too sure about showing that much leg and the boots, they were like nothing I had ever wore. The closest thing were the boots that I wore under my fire proof suit and I am sure Alice would have a fashion cow if she saw those.

"You know he really likes you." Alice said while she curled my hair. I tried to protest to the primping, but I didn't have the strength to argue. The holidays were the hardest and no matter how much I tried to think of Edward, I still thought of EJ.

"Who?" I asked not following.

"Edward, silly." She said chuckling at me.

"Oh." I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to get my hopes up and I didn't want him to up and leave. Which he would do and soon I was sure.

"I have never seen him so gentle and sweet. He is only like that with you, I know you have a lot of hardships in your life, but I think you and my brother are good for each other." I could hear the honesty, the sincerity, and the hope in her voice. She wanted Edward and I to be together, but it wasn't like that.

"We are just friends."

"For now." She smirked sounding confident. I didn't want to discuss it anymore so I just tried to concentrate on holding myself together. Only a few more hours and I would see Edward, then maybe he could ease the pain. Though on this day I didn't think anything could ease the pain.

I pulled up behind my parents to the Cullen house grabbing my trade gift out of the passenger seat and joining my parents on the steps. I drove myself just in case I needed an early exit or if I wanted to make a stop off somewhere else before going home. Anyway back to the Cullen party and the gift I brought.

The Cullen's did what was called a Chinese Christmas. Everyone brings a unisex gift and then you draw a number. Whoever is number one takes one of the gifts that someone else brought and opens it. Then the second person goes, they can either steal the gift from the first person or get a new one. A gift can be stolen twice, then it is dead. It was a pretty interesting game when people really got into it. Though the gifts weren't always something you would need or even use, but it was all in good fun. I couldn't even recall what I had gotten last year, but then again I don't remember a lot about last year. I was pretty messed up still.

Carlisle greeted my parents and I at the door. He had a big smile on his face as he greeted us with a Merry Christmas. A few of the guest had already arrived and the house was warm and smelled of Christmas cookies. As my parents started to mingle I looked around the room for a familiar face. I spotted Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Jacob quickly on the other side of the room. Esme came by and took my gift from me and wished me a Merry Christmas, then I headed over to the small group. I kept an eye out for Edward, but he was nowhere in sight.

"Hey Bells." Jake greeted me and I had realized that I hadn't seen him in a few days.

"Hey." I said timidly trying to hold myself together as I panicked that Edward wasn't here.

_Had he already left? Did he get called away for work? Would he leave without warning?_

"You look really pretty." Jacob commented, but I didn't get a chance to respond other then my blush.

"Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmas short stuff." Emmett said giving me a hug, it didn't feel awkward like most. It was brotherly like Jake's hugs.

"Merry Christmas to you also." We all got the greetings out of the way and started casual conversation. Well they started conversation and I continued to look around for Edward.

"Bella can I get you a drink?" Jasper asked kindly.

"I will go get it myself. Does anyone else need anything?" I asked surprised about how human I was acting. I usually avoided any interaction with people. I had a feeling it had to do with a certain someone in my life. Someone who I really needed to see right now, I made my way towards the kitchen forgetting if anyone had said if they needed anything or not, but not really caring.

That was when I saw him or rather them. Edward was outside on the deck with his back pushed up against the glass and arms wrapped around him. I knew it was Edward, because of the bronze hair, no one had hair like that. I felt a ping of jealousy run through me at the sight of another girl wrapped around him. I had just been in his arms and now she was. I turned away, because I could feel the tears prick my eyes. I quickly entered into the bathroom off of the kitchen and I was suddenly hit with the memory of the last time I was in here. It was Thanksgiving after the mishap in the kitchen, the extremely embarrassing mishap. I leaned against the bathroom door and sunk to the floor. I needed to calm down and relax.

I had no need to feel so betrayed and jealous of this women. For all I know it could be his cousin he was hugging outside pushed up against the sliding glass door. Though if he hugged his cousins like that, then I may not want to be around him anymore. It wasn't like I had a claim on Edward, we were friends and nothing more. We had barely made actually contact with each other, I was crazy. I was addicted to him and now I was making claims on him that I did not deserve.

I took deep breaths and readied myself to go back out there and women up. It was stupid that I was hiding in the bathroom. This could be my mothers last Christmas with our friends so I needed to suck it up and have a good time or at least let her think I was having a good time. As I opened the door a familiar voice hit me and her words were harsh, I wasn't sure who she was talking to, but I had a feeling I didn't want to know.

"If you mean the girl that he fucked on a plane and then ignored the next time he saw her then yes." Jessica Stanley's voice rang through the kitchen and I could see her, but not who she was talking to. I waited terrified for a voice to respond.

**Edward's POV**

The hours seemed to take forever to pass until it was time for me to see Bella again. She was on my mind constantly as she had been since the day I meet her. I could feel a bond forming between us, we were getting closer. I knew she trusted me and I hoped that soon she would share more of her story with me. I had never wanted to know anyone so bad.

My families Christmas party began and guest slowly arrived one by one. I was waiting anxiously for one brunette in particular and when I saw Jacob enter the doorway I was sure she would be right behind him.

"Where is Bella?" I asked after a moment trying not to sound desperate and failed. Jacob grinned at me, then answered in a 'your hooked' kind of tone.

"She is coming with her parents, they should be here soon." I stood and made idle conversation for a little longer, but I was getting more and more anxious to be near Bella. Plus I was starting to worry that maybe something was wrong, maybe that was why they weren't here. I needed to get a fucking grip, so I went out back to get some fresh air. I stood on the back patio with my eyes closed breathing in the cool night to calm myself. The sound of the sliding glass door jerked my eyes open. I wasn't greeted by the brunette with big chocolate eyes like I had hoped, but instead a strawberry blonde I knew well.

"Tanya." I said as cheerful as I could, I was happy to see her, but in all truth I just wanted to see Bella. Tanya and I had grown up together and she was my first fuck. You never forget your first, though we had been together too many times to count so forget her I could not.

"Edward, I have missed you." She cooed as she came around the front of me and backed me up to the glass door. Suddenly she was on me like white on rice, this wasn't unusual for us, this was the way we always greeted each other. Thought tonight it felt wrong, her scent was all wrong, the way she fit against me was all wrong. I hugged her back as she groped me, but it was all wrong. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but what was I going to say.

"Whoa Tanya slow down." She leaned back and quirked an eyebrow at me.

"Slow down?" She asked wondering what was wrong with me. I had to admit that Tanya and I never took anything slow. It was always fast and amazing, but now it was like I said all fucking wrong.

"Look I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I can't have sex with you." I really didn't know what to say, because none of what I wanted to say even made sense in my head. _I haven't had sex in weeks, because I meet this amazing girl and she is all I can think of. So now I am a big pussy whipped friend of hers and I haven't even had the pussy yet. _

"Why not?" She reached up and cupped my dick making me a little harder in the cold night. "Feels like you can." I chuckled at the cute perplexed look on her face.

"Yes physically I can, but emotionally I can't. See there is this girl.."

"Edward Cullen has a girlfriend?" She asked shocked, but smiling. Smiling was good.

"Not exactly, but I really like her and well… It is really complicated." Tanya thought about that for a moment, then shrugged her shoulders.

"Alright it is cool. I am sad that I don't get to fuck you, but I am sure there is someone here that isn't complicated." She mocked my words playfully and I smiled happy that she was so understanding. Tanya was always a cool down to earth person and I was glad she was no different in this situation. We entered back into the kitchen and I got us both a drink.

"So do I get to meet this girl?" She asked eyeing me over the rim of her drink.

"She should be here tonight so I don't see why not?"

"What do we have here?" I looked up to seen none other then Jessica standing in the kitchen staring at me.

"Fuck." I whispered under my breath.

"Is this her?" Tanya asked me and I shook my head no.

"If you mean the girl that he fucked on a plane and then ignored the next time he saw her then yes." Jessica blubbered.

"I am sorry about ignoring you Jessica, but I just didn't…" _Think Cullen. _"Want my girlfriend here to find out about it." I said wrapping my arm around Tanya, she looked up at me. I winked at her begging her to play along, she smirked.

"Jennifer is it?" Tanya said smirking at her. "You were just a one time thing, I am an all the time thing. Sorry for the misunderstanding, but Edward is mine."

I forced a smile on my face, but even though it was all pretend I knew in my heart that their was only girl I wanted calling me hers. _What?_

_That is the gayest shit I have ever heard or thought._

"Whatever he wasn't that good anyway." Jessica said and turned to leave, but something hidden off the side wall caught her attention. "Bella is that you?"

My whole body went stiff, Bella was over there. Had she heard? A moment that felt like an eternity passed before my question was answered.

"Yeah it is me, I was just using the restroom." She stepped into view, but she did not make eye contact with me. Her voice was off and I knew that she had heard. How much? I wasn't sure, but she had heard at least a part of it. I felt immensely guilty as if I had just cheated on her, even though that was preposterous.

"Oh well I haven't seen you in a long time. I am really sorry to hear about your mom, that sucks especially after what happened to your.." Jessica was saying, but Bella interrupted the last part.

"Umm Jessica I think Mike is looking for you." She said quickly pointing towards the living room. Jessica quickly scurried away with a smile and wave, Bella only risked one glance at me, then she gave me a weak smile and headed for the living room also. I was frozen in place and couldn't make myself move after her.

"She's pretty." Tanya said.

"She is beautiful." I corrected her finally coming back to life. "I am sorry.."

"Stop wasting time explaining things to your fake girlfriend and go explain things to the girl you love." Tanya said pushing me towards the living room. I froze on the word love and stared at her as she laughed at me.

"I don't love her." I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince myself or Tanya. She just shook her head chuckling and walked away from me. I didn't waste anymore time going after Bella, but as soon as I entered the living area my mom started the Christmas gift game. I made my way through the crowd and squeezed myself between Bella and Alice on the lounge chair at the edge of the room.

Bella quirked an eyebrow at me as I pushed Alice out of the way, but I didn't give it a second thought. As soon as I was seated I put my arm around the back of the chair and turned my body towards Bella.

"Hey." Yeah that was all I could think to say was hey. _Idiot. _

"Hi." She smiled at me, the fake smile. I didn't like getting that smile from her and just as I had captured her brown eyes she turned away from me. I saw the pain there, today was a hard day for her and I had made it harder.

"Bella look about back there.." She interrupted.

"Don't worry about it Edward you don't owe me an explanation we are only friends. You have a girlfriend that is cool." I read it in her eyes she was lying to me, that made me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because it meant she had feelings for me. Sad because I had upset her.

"Bella, Tanya isn't my girlfriend we were just pretending to get that skank away from me." I explained and realization hit her eyes, but disappeared only moments later. "You don't believe me." I sighed, well there goes the whole she trust me idea.

"Well it is just that," She paused looking down at her hands, I couldn't stand it. I put my index finger under her chin and lifted her face so I could see her eyes. She looked taken back for a moment by my gesture, but shortly after she continued. "I saw you outside with her." _Ah._

"That was Tanya's way of saying hello, we have a lot of history, but I told her that there was kind of this other girl I am interested in so she gave me her blessing. Not that I need it, but just so you understand." I wasn't sure if I was explaining all this right or not, but I was doing my best. I had never had feelings for a girl like I did for Bella and communication was a hard thing.

"Oh." Bella still looked disappointed and I realized that it was pretty possible that she didn't get that I was talking about her.

"Bella I know you said we were just friends and that is fine, but it is more for me." Her eyes widened, her cheeks blushed, and she turned away from me before I could gage her emotion.

Nothing more was said, because the game got underway rather quickly. There was a ciaos for a few gifts, but mostly everyone played fair. The whole time I kept my eyes on Bella and every time she looked over at me she would turn away quickly. She appeared to be in deep thought the whole time she didn't even hear when it was her turn. I nudged her and she looked over at me confused, but Beautiful. The way we were sitting and the dress she was wearing I could see her tattoos and I did my best to make them out completely. On her right shoulder there was a beautiful Dove visible with what looked to be a pink ribbon in its beak. The left shoulder was a little harder to see, but I did see what appeared to be initials and then another bird, but I couldn't be sure. It was a little farther down on her shoulder then the one on the left. I had a feeling that both of her tattoos were symbolic of something and I wanted so badly to ask her of what.

When the game finally ended I was relieved and hoped that I would get to speak with Bella some more. I really just wanted to be around her and make sure she didn't hate me after what she heard in the kitchen. Bella turned to me just as I was going to say something, but I didn't speak. There was so much determination on her face and she looked brave, which was an often emotion, the girl was beyond brave, but this was different.

"Would you like to come with me, I want to show you something?" As she asked I could see the sadness in her eyes and the pain.

"Always." I choked it out, because the emotion in her eyes told me that I was going to learn more about Bella, possibly the root of her sadness. I was terrified and excited all at the same time. She gave me a half smile and went over to tell her parents that she would meet them at home. They didn't look surprised, but they did seem surprised that I was going with her. So this must be something she had planned on doing, but now she was including me. We grabbed our coats and I followed her out to her car. I slid into the car wishing it wasn't so dark so that I could take in the true beauty of her car. I was still amazed that she had built this car, it was incredible. She took off down the drive and onto the highway, I guess I shouldn't of been surprised about how fast she drove, but I was. Something about someone else being in control at high speeds made me uneasy. Though she was kind of a professional so I should just sit back and trust her, but honestly Bella was unstable.

I wanted to ask where we were going, but I had a feeling that I shouldn't. Plus I didn't want her to change her mind and take me back to my house. We turned down a road off of the highway and I noticed this road from the day Alice, Jasper, and I saw Bella on her bike. Now I was real curious to as where we were going and were she had been that day. She turned onto a narrow road that was barely visible in the night and we followed down it for a few moments, then she came to a stop at a chain link fence. The headlights hit against tombstones, we were at a cemetery. I was suddenly vary nervous knowing that I wasn't really ready to hear about her possible dead boyfriend, but I would support her. I would be here for her. Bella cleared her throat and I looked over at her as she closed her eyes and started to speak.

"I don't know if I will be able to tell you the story and you may have a lot of questions, but just know that for now this may be all I can do." She opened her eyes and I could see the fear and pain there. I knew this was hard for her and I would do whatever it took to make it easier on her.

I nodded assuring her and reached over cupping her cheek. She leaned into my touch and we stayed like that for a moment, she truly was beautiful. The warm and fuzzy feeling hit me and I wanted to lean in and kiss her, but I didn't.

Bella shut the car off and got out as I followed her. She walked ahead of me and I followed silently trying to prepare myself and trying my best not to panic. This is what you wanted remember, for her to share more of herself with you. Even if spending Christmas Eve in a cemetery wasn't your plans, this is what you wanted. I had to chant to myself so that I could get through this without upsetting Bella. I followed her through the headstones trying not to step on anyone's resting spot. The street lamps guided us through and I anxiously followed her until we got to one of the last rows in the cemetery. Bella stopped at the end of a small grave, it was surrounded by a blue fence that was only about ankle high. There were flowers and a teddy bear next to the headstone and the headstone read;

_**Ethan Jacob Swan**_

_**February 14, 2005 - March 13, 2007**_

_**Beloved Son, grandson, and godson. **_

_**Forever in our hearts, Always on our minds.**_

* * *

**A/N: ****I feel this is a turning point in Bella and Edward's "friendship". Though don't get too excited, because there are still a few twist and turns ahead. We will learn more about Ethan soon, I promise. Now you know that he was only two years old, so that is something. Do you think that Edward will do some investigating himself? **

**Please comment it means a lot to me and it inspires me to write more. Thanks : )**


	11. Chapter 11 Opening the Floodgates

**Chapter 11**

"**Opening the Floodgates"**

**Edward's POV**

I read the name on the headstone over and over, trying to make sense. I kept getting caught at the name Jacob and the last name Swan. _Was this Bella's brother or was it her son? _I looked over Bella's form again, then recalled how I had noticed her hips were developed like Rose's. Rose hadn't gotten her curves until after she had the twins, things started to click into place here and there, but fall apart in other places. The way Bella looked on at Rose with her sons at breakfast during the ice over, the sadness made a little more sense. Only a mother who had lost her child could be this sad and lost. Once those things fell into place others started whirl around confusingly. This child had Jacob's name, was he the father? If so why didn't he have the same last name? The dates caught my attention again and I realized he was only two years old when he passed. What had happened to him? As all these questions ran through my mind I realized that I needed to slow down, this was hard for Bella and I needed to be here for her.

She stood with her arms wrapped around herself, I couldn't see her pain, but I could imagine the pain there. I didn't think about it I just wrapped my arms around her waist and held her to me. She smelled amazing, she leaned into my touch like I expected she would. We stood there staring at the most heartbreaking realization in my life, that some people didn't get a happy ending. Why a child would be taken from this world so young was something I just couldn't understand? Bella didn't deserve this kind of pain and I felt myself getting angry that he was taken from her. Bella diverted my attention as she took a deep breath and made a move from me. I let her go and she sat down on the damp cold ground and looked up at me to join her, I did so quickly. She played with the grass in front of her as she sat cross legged, I did my best to see her face. Too see her eyes, to read her. She cleared her throat and I could see her hands shake while she picked away at the blades of grass.

"He was so smart even for such a small child, spoke so clearly. Well for his age and so full of life, he gave me life." I saw the glisten of tears run down her cheeks and she let them fall freely as if she didn't know they were there. I wanted to reach out and whip them away, but I was scared it would make her shut down. Instinctively to comfort her I reached out and took her hands from the grass and into mine. She looked up at me and I was stuck in her beautifully sad brown eyes.

I could see the trust there and even though she looked sad she looked somewhat relieved. We stayed like that for an immeasurable amount of time, it could have been seconds or hours, but I didn't mind.

"You wanted to know what saved me and what broke me, it was him." She said still holding eye contact with me and her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Thank you." I knew this was hard, this little bit was all too much for her. I saw she was about to have a flood fall from her eyes so I moved to my knees and moved over so that I could pull her into my arms. I held her thigh against me, but she didn't seem to mind. I placed my cheek on top of her head closing my eyes and hoping that some day she would let me all the way in. Her warmth and her scent against me were an incredible feeling, it was almost as if she fit there. As if my chest was made to hold her small frame against me, she just fit. I imagined myself as the hot glue working my way through her and piecing her back together. I imagined the girl from the picture in her living room and wanted nothing more to see a small part of that girl in Bella.

_Was I the key? _I couldn't be sure, but I would try.

A melody hummed its way out of my lips without any effort from my brain as I rocked Bella back and forth on the cold ground. She snuggled closer to me as I felt her tears wet my shirt, one of my hands rubbed her boney back up and down her spine. While the other ran up and down her arm trying to keep friction there to keep her warm.

"Edward." Her voice chocked out into the quiet night and my heart melted.

"Bella." I said back answering her, but wanting her to know I was here with her and for her.

"I know tomorrow is Christmas, but I was hoping that you might want to come back here with me. I don't want him to be alone on Christmas and honestly you make it all easier." My hand had stopped on her cheek as she spoke and I could now feel the heat rising to it, she was embarrassed. My heart rejoiced realizing that I made things easier for her.

"Of course Bella, tell me when and where to be." She had me, I would do whatever she wanted. I would do anything to make that beautiful face less sad, I would do anything to be next to her.

"You are too sweet." She whispered and I felt a little guilty, because I really wasn't. "Can you give me a moment?"

"Uh yeah sure I will wait for you at the car." I told her getting up and leaving her alone. As I got to the car I risked a glance back and saw her kiss her hand and touch the headstone, my heart ached and my eyes got moist. I closed my eyes breathing deep trying to push this feeling away, I really felt for Bella, because I knew she felt a hundred times worse then this every second of the day.

"Alright we can go." Bella's voice sang to me and I opened my eyes to see her approaching. She tried to give me a smile, but I could see the pain eating away at her. I pulled her into my arms and held her there for a moment.

"I am here for you anytime don't hesitate to call me or come to me." I told her and I felt her cling onto me tighter. I kissed her head and tore myself away from her so that she could drive me home.

The car was silent as Bella drove through the streets of Forks back to my house. She drove slower as if she didn't want this car ride to end and I didn't either. I wasn't ready to be away from her, if only she knew the control she held over me. If only she knew how captivated by her I was. I could only imagine what a happy Bella could do to me, but then again could that be it. Could it be that I wanted to fix her? Could that be the connection? I honestly didn't believe it, because this was too strong to just be that. Bella chuckled a little and looked over at her shocked and confused.

"Do I get to know the joke?" I asked smirking at her, she glanced at me. Still pain was her dominate feature, but I saw a little humor in her eye.

"Well did you really have sex with Stank Stan?" She laughed dryly at my expression, but there was something else in her eyes. _Jealousy? _

"Who is Stank Stan?" I asked laughing at the ridiculous name.

"Jessica Stanley." She said the name in kind of an irritated tone. I took a deep breath not wanting to admit my short comings to Bella.

"Where did she accrue that nickname?" I diverted her.

"In high school that is what the guys called her behind her back."

"Why?"

"Well she was quit the little slut and still is, I guess. Anyway some of the guys says that she looks like a dude without makeup, so that is the Stan part. Plus it is the beginning of her last name. Then the other part well they say that she stinks you know down there." Bella laughed taking a quick glance down and I followed her eyes to her lap. I heard her laugh as my face scrunched up and I looked up to see the humor in her eyes. She looked like she was somewhere far away, like back in a happier time. I just stared at her like some love sick puppy that found every little thing that she did amazing. Not that I was in love, just that general idea.

"I take that as a yes by the way." Bella said after a moment completely serious. I knew exactly what she was talking about and I decided that it was time I let her in on few secrets also.

"Bella I don't know what to say." I sighed.

"You don't have to say anything, like I said before you don't owe me any explanations. I was just wondering." Her voice told me that something was bothering her.

"I won't lie to you. I had sex with her once on the plane ride here, I didn't know her and it was a mistake. I can't take it back and I can't take back all the other shitty things I have done in the past, but I have changed." I looked at her from under my lashes as she came to a stop in my parents driveway.

"Since the plane landed you have changed?" She asked with humor in her voice. Something was different, something about Bella had changed. I tried to focus, but there was something different that I just couldn't figure it out. She still looked horribly sad and in pain, but there was something else there. Something that made her lighter, made her calmer.

"Not exactly, the change came about the time that I saw a brunette kick the shit out of a car and yell at said car." I smiled and she blushed in the dim light of the dashboard, I could see the corner of her lips tug a little fighting a smile. _I would make her smile a real smile that reaches her eyes soon._

I wanted so badly to reach across the console and kiss her perfect lips, but I knew better then to do such a thing. Though I knew I couldn't leave without touching her warm skin so I reached across and placed my palm on her cheek.

"Until tomorrow."

I stood in the driveway watching her drive away as a light snow fall fell on me. I was frozen in that spot long after she was gone as the weight of the night fell on me along with the snow. The pureness of the snow reminded me of Bella, she seemed so pure and I hated that she was so broken. I had so many questions which seemed the usual to knowing Bella, because each time I was around her only brought on more questions.

"Son." I jumped as my father spoke to me with a hand on my shoulder. "What are you doing?" I looked over at him and I guess he could see something on my face, because he nodded. "Come in the house son you will frighten your mother standing out here like this."

I turned and followed him into the house, I felt numb thinking of Bella and her son. She had a son, it broke my heart that he was gone and it hurt that I never knew him. I imagined him with her brown eyes and hair, maybe even the blush colored on his cheeks. I felt a ache in my heart that I didn't know was possibly and it felt like I had missed something magical. I just knew that when Ethan Jacob Swan was in this world he carried magic with him, how could he not with a mother like Bella. I was sure she was an amazing mother and that she loved him more then her own life. Which now explained so many things, the loss of her world had killed her.

**Bella's POV**

Christmas morning was a beautiful sad sight that I couldn't fully take in. The white snow covered the ground, the sun peeked out and made it shine like diamonds. Last night I had felt a small amount of peace sharing parts of my dark past with Edward. Something about him made it all a little easier and he hadn't ran away, he had even called this morning to make sure we were still on for this afternoon and to see how I was. He was an incredible man and I just wanted more time with him, which was dangerous, because soon I would have no time with him. I wished upon some miracle that Edward would become a solid fixture in my life, but I knew better then to believe it would happen. Miracles didn't happen I had once hoped and prayed for a greater miracle and not been given it.

I made my way down to the living room and took my place on the couch as my father turned on the Christmas parade. My mother set out some muffins on the table and then took her place next to me, my father was in his chair. Mom wrapped her arm around my shoulder and we all sat quietly. I looked through the television to the last Christmas that I was happy.

_EJ sat on the floor demolishing the wrapping paper, more interested in it then the actual gifts we had gotten him. My parents and I had gone all out for him, he had every toy a kid could imagine, but there he sat giggling and crinkling the wrapping paper. _

"_EJ look." I told him in a excited tone, he looked up at me. His brown eyes sparkling, I held up the fire truck. He got up and ran over to me and sat in my lap, I handed him the fire truck._

"_Momma look." He told me as he pushed the buttons making it light up and ring loudly through the house. We all smiled back at him as he pushed all the buttons simultaneously. I glanced around the room to see Jacob leaning against the door frame watching. His eyes only showed love as he looked on at my son, he would be the only father EJ ever knew. _

"_Little man are you ready to open Uncle Jake's present?" Jacob asked smiling at my little boy, who smiled back dimples lighting up his small face. _

"_Gimme gimme." EJ said excited as Jacob held out a small box._

"_Ethan what do you say?" My mother correct EJ before I could. EJ thought for a moment and then a small blush colored his cheeks._

"_Pease." _

"_Sure thing." Jacob said getting down on the floor with us and handing the box to EJ. Everyone's eyes were on EJ as he tore through the box and once it was open he pulled out a small necklace. It was hand made and had a small carved wolf charm hanging from it. I knew it immediately and what it meant, Jake had given me one when I went away for school. _

_EJ immediately got up and came over to me to put it on. I placed it over his small head and onto his neck, then he looked down to my wrist where my charm bracelet with the same wolf on it hung. _

"_Like Mommies." EJ said pointing at my charm and I forced a smile. Jake diverted EJ from my sad eyes._

"_Hey little man do you know why uncle Jake gave that to you?" Jacob asked him and EJ shook his head. Jacob pulled him into his lap and tucked him into his large chest as if to protect him. "Well you know grandpa Charlie's friend Billy, my dad." Jake didn't wait for EJ to answer. "He believes that the wolf is a protector of our people, no one is allowed to harm the wolfs around my home. So this necklace and your mommies bracelet are to help protect you both, so you always wear it and you will be safe." _

_EJ was too small to follow along to everything that was coming out of Jacob's mouth, but the rest of us did. I looked up to my father who was staring at EJ with the saddest eyes as was my mother, I felt a tear run down my cheek as reality began to fall back into place. This could and most likely would be our last Christmas with him. _

_Please God or anyone in charge of the fates please don't take him from us. I had pleaded for the millionth time since Ethan Jacob had been born, but my request had not been answered._

The morning passed quietly and sadly as we opened presents, I tried my best to faux happiness since this could very well be my mothers last Christmas, but it was just too hard.

"Today is a hard day for all of us dear." My mother said patting my hand. "There is no need to pretend, I know you love me and I don't expect you to pretend for me. You were always trying to protect everyone, I am a big girl. I know you are sad and as much as I want you to be happy again I would never ask you to pretend. I love you." She kissed my head and smiled at me, I smiled back.

"Thanks mom and I love you too." A knock at the door sounded through the house and I knew it was Edward. I could feel his presence behind the door and I longed for the relief of his touch.

"I got it." Dad said getting up out of his chair. I walked over to the tree and grabbed my things to take to the grave yard with me. I could hear my father answering the door and greeting Edward.

"Merry Christmas Edward."

"Merry Christmas to you also Charlie, my mother sent these for you." Edward's voice was like heaven.

"Your mother sure does love to cook." My father chuckled.

"Yes sir." Edward answered as they entered the doorway to the living room. My eyes locked with Edward's and it felt like home, it was strange how much last night had changed for me. I was still sad and broken, but something else was growing in me. Something I had never felt in this way before, something that I wanted to keep forever. My mother and Edward exchanged pleasantries then we were on our way. The car ride was silent as I fiddled with the small box in my lap, Edward drove through the street swiftly in the Volvo. I wasn't a Volvo fan, but I had to admit that it drove smoothly through the icy streets. Edward seemed to find the cemetery road easily, which was surprising since it was old and hard to see. We didn't speak as we arrived and made our way to the familiar resting place of my beloved son.

I took my usual seat and Edward joined me, I wanted to tell him more, but I was afraid that it wouldn't be as easy as yesterday was. What if I had a breakdown? I opened the box that I had brought with me and took out the small swallow charm with the brown stone in the middle that matched Ethan's eyes. I could feel Edward's eyes on me as I popped the top on the headstone emblem, which held the gift that I brought EJ last year. I pulled out last years and put the swallow charm in its place. I left him something every year so that he would know that I was thinking about him, I always had a duplicate of the gift to keep with me so that I would always have him with me. I closed the top of the headstone back up and put the tribal coin from last year in my pocket. I turned to Edward, I could see the sorrow and the questions in his beautiful jade eyes.

"Your strength is admiring." He said sweetly and I had to disagree.

"I am not strong." I shook my head looking down embarrassed. If only he knew how weak I was, his finger found my chin just as he had done the night before and he raised my eyes to his. He was impossibly close to me know.

"You don't see yourself clearly, because you are the strongest, bravest person I have ever meet." I could see that he truly believed his words it was carved in his eyes and I wanted to believe them too, but I knew myself better then he did. A silence followed after that, but it wasn't awkward it was more refreshing then anything. Just being next to Edward made me feel better, but the heartache and anxiety was there under the surface. On this day nothing could relive it completely, holidays are the worst by far. My eyes meet with Edward's again and I could see him pleading with me to let him in. I could feel my walls crumbling, because I longed to talk about how beautiful EJ was, but was too afraid. Something about Edward made me not fear it or him. The words and memories flowed from me as Edward watched my face intently.

"It is strange the way life takes you in its on twist and turns, just when you think you have figured it out, it laughs in your face. Before I got pregnant with EJ I never thought of myself as the motherly type. Kids weren't really in my plan, but neither were other things. He changed it all, he changed me. Being pregnant was a strangely beautiful thing, a child growing inside of you is a, wow. It is an amazing feeling, nothing compares. Labor was horrible." I grimaced a little remembering the pain and Edward chuckled lightly.

"Though it was more then worth it, when I heard him scream out that first breath. All you wish for is for your child to be healthy and happy, health is something parents take for granted all the time." I stopped for a moment my chest aching as I started to get to the sad part, EJ being born was a beautiful and pleasant memory. The weeks after not so much. I could see Edward bracing himself for the next part, just like me he could feel it coming or perhaps he could just read it in my eyes. That was the way he made me feel, open, like he could read everything in my eyes.

"I could feel that something wasn't right, I worried my whole pregnancy. I guess that is normal, but it turned out my worrying wasn't unnecessary. I didn't get to hold him other then when the doctor sat him on my stomach so that my mom could cut the umbilical cord, they cleaned him up on the heat bed near me, but after moments of checking him over they whisked him from the room. They wouldn't tell me what was going on, they just kept saying he needed some testing. I thought it was the worst time in my life, but it was only the beginning. It took ten hours for the doctor to bring him back to me, I held him for the first time as the doctor delivered the bad news."

My voice chocked up as I remembered back to when they finally brought EJ back into my room and let me hold him, the look on the doctors face said it all. Tears welded up in my eyes and fell over the edges. My chest heaved and my arms automatically found there place around myself. I couldn't look at Edward if I saw the sadness or pity in his eyes it would push me over. In seconds his strong warm arms wrapped around me protectively and he held me to his chest, it was comfortable. I fit there perfectly and I felt protected. I inhaled his scent and let him sooth me, I let him break all the barriers. I would regret this later, but for now Edward was connected to me in a way no one else had been.

**A/N: I know I haven't updated in about 2 weeks, but I have been really busy. Two kids, an injured husband, a sick dog, and a house in desperate need of some attention. So I know it has been awhile and the chapter is short, but I promise to add more soon. I will be giving a teaser on Tuesday so follow me on my blog or on twitter for updates & teasers. **

**It won't let me post the links on here, but they are on my page. Just click my name and it will take you to my bio page :)**

Please Review : )


	12. Chapter 12 Fighting the Tide

_A Song I listened to during this chapter was "Closer" by: Kings of Leon_

**Chapter 12**

"**Fighting the Tides"**

**Edward's POV**

I was giddy and as nervous as a school girl with a crush, which is gay as hell, but really the only way to explain this shit. Last night when I pulled up to Bella's house to drop her off I took a big fucking leap and asked her out on a date, thinking back her reaction was strange and confusing to me.

_My car pulled up quietly in front of Bella's house and we sat in silence. Then rain came down on the windshield and it felt appropriate, since tears had streaked Bella's cheeks for most of our afternoon together. She was always so sad and after seeing her cry so much, much like the sky was doing now, I wanted her to do something fun. Maybe even be happy for just a little bit. _

"_Thanks again Edward." Bella's soft hoarse voice spoke as she reached for the door handle. "I better get inside before the rain turns to snow or the ground to ice and I fall." The way she spoke the last part was as if she was pondering to herself, I had to chuckle a little she was so cute. _

"_Um Bella just a second." I paused nervous. "I.. I wanted to ask you something." I looked into her brown curious and extremely nervous eyes, I could tell she was afraid I was going to ask something she couldn't or wouldn't answer._

"_I know we have been spending a lot of time together, but I was hoping maybe if you aren't doing anything we could spend the day together tomorrow. I have to go to Seattle and we could get dinner or some shit like that." She looked shocked as if that wasn't what she had been expecting._

"_I don't date." She blurted out quickly and then her cheeks turned bright red, I felt a thing of hurt, but smoothed it over._

"_Just as friends." I smiled, even though I wanted to die. She didn't date? It was almost like we were already doing that, without the kissing and shit._

"_Ok as friends." _

Not a date, just friends.

I chanted over and over in my head, but it still felt all wrong. I wanted to be more then friends with Bella, I wanted to take her out, make her happy. I wanted her to be mine. I knew that it was responsible and reasonable for us to be just friends, because soon I would have to head back to California and then after that who knew where I would be. Friends.

I had used the friend line on tons of girls before and thought nothing of it, but hearing it from Bella was brutal. _Did she not like me the way I liked her? _

I shook my head trying to push away the thoughts as I walked up to Bella's house, I knocked twice and stood waiting. The door swung open and Jacob stood there staring me down.

"What's up?" Jacob asked eying me spuriously, his demeanor towards me was different then it was the other night, he was back to protector Jacob.

"Hey." I smiled not letting his threatening eyes phase me. "Bella here?" I knew she was, but his glare and the silence was rather annoying. He eyed me opening the door wide and gesturing for me to come in, I stepped into the living room where Charlie and Renee were taking the Christmas tree down.

"Hello Edward, good to see you again." Renee smiled brightly and it sounded so genuine.

"You too." I smiled back, Charlie gave me a side way glance and nodded his head. _What the hell?_ Charlie and Jacob were both back to the guarded attitudes with me, what happened to the progress we made. Renee looked between the three of us and then gave Jacob and Charlie warning glances.

"I will go and get Bella." She said smiling at me and then leaning over whispering to Charlie. I imagined her telling him to behave or something along these lines. Charlie watched as Renee disappeared up the stairs then he and Jacob both were standing before me.

"What's going on?" I asked under their heavy gaze, they exchanged a quick glance.

"Where you taking Bella?" Jacob asked curiously. I smirked a little realizing what they were doing, it was like when you picked up a girl in high school for a first date. But this wasn't a date and we were grown ass adults. Well Bella and I were, I wasn't so sure about Jacob, or Charlie for that matter.

"We are going to Seattle." I answered humoring them.

"That is awfully vague." Charlie said through his teeth. I really thought the guy was starting to like me, but apparently things had changed over night. Maybe his holiday cheer was gone.

"Well so are our plans." I said kind of annoyed at this point, this was ridiculous. "Just a couple of friends going into the city for the day."

"Friends?" Charlie questioned.

"Does Bella see it that way?" Jacob asked quickly before I could answer Charlie, I raised an eyebrow at the two of them.

"She is the one who insisted we were only friends so I would assume so." They both automatically relaxed in front of my eyes and were back to the way they had been. Doing a complete one eighty on me, they were all buddy-buddy again. This was insane, but I guess I couldn't knock the guys for looking out for Bella. She had been through a lot and she could use all the protection she could get. I decided that I understand where they were coming from so I went over to the tree and started helping them take the lights off of it.

"Taking down the Christmas decorations already?" I asked making conversation, but also thinking about how my family waited until New Years to take the tree down.

"We don't need to be reminded of what was missing at Christmas for another week." Jacob said looking sad. I realized immediately how sad of a time Christmas was for all of them and understood what having a tree up any longer then necessary would mean to them. That brought my thoughts back to Ethan Jacob, wondering once again if Jacob was his father. Bella told me her and Jacob were only friends, but would a girl really name her son after her best friend? Though Bella was different from anyone else on the planet. I wished I could see a picture of Ethan to compare it to Jacob's features, but every time I imagine Bella's son all I saw was her, but as a baby. I imagined her son looking a lot like her. We all turned our heads as we heard footsteps on the stairs, Bella and Renee made there way down. Bella looked beautiful as always, she was wearing dark wash jeans that were loose around her hips and legs, she had on a dark blue sweater that looked amazing against her pale skin. Her chestnut hair was up in a messy bun and she looked so comfortable, but so sexy. I looked into her chocolate eyes to see what kind of day today would be. She looked guarded, but there was a hint of excitement there. That made me smile and she smiled back.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." She blushed.

"No problem are you all set?" I asked as a friend and not in a date way. She nodded and we said our goodbyes. Once we were in the car our conversation flowed more comfortably then I would of expected.

"So where are we going?" She asked looking at me curiously.

"Well I actually have to go get a house warming gift for Alice and Jasper." I smiled excited to tell Bella the news, I knew her and Alice were becoming friends fast.

"House warming?" She asked tilting her head.

"Yep, Jasper's gift to Alice." I smiled thinking back to how excited Alice had been when I got home.

"What a house?" Bella asked looking truly shocked, it was so cute.

"Here in Forks."

"Doesn't he like hate it here?" Bella asked and I chuckled.

"Well I actually think he just likes teasing Alice more then anything. He wanted her to be close to family." I kind of frowned thinking back to this morning when he told me about the bad news he had yet to deliver to Alice and why he wanted her near family.

"Why do you look sad?" Bella blurted out and I correct my expression.

"Just a random thought. Anyway he got her a house not far from my parents house, only a mile or so. They are hosting a small get together there tonight. I was hoping you would come with me." I glanced from the road to her. "As friends." I added and she chuckled a little, but it was kind of erratic. I was completely lost with this girl.

"Yeah that sounds fun." She sat silent for a moment and then mumbled. "A house."

I didn't think a house as a gift was that big of a deal, especially after my dad had bought my mother a private Island for their anniversary one year. Though I guess growing up in a family with unlimited amounts of money, you had a different out look on things. Plus Jasper buying Alice a house here was as much for himself as it was her. She was going to be heartbroken and lost when he tells her the news and she will need her family to lean on. I wished that I would get to be here and help, but knew I would be busy with the bar in Cali.

"So how are things coming along with the new bar, I bet you will have to be getting back soon?" Bella asked as if reading my mind. I glanced at her catching her questioning brown eyes. The brown eyes that I didn't want to ever leave.

"I haven't heard much, right now is more about a waiting game. I am waiting for the county to approve my blue prints and business plan. Once that is complete I will be heading back and starting renovations and all that fun shit." I looked from the road again trying to gage her reaction, but she was silently staring out the window.

"When do you think you will hear?" I knew she wanted to know how long we had together, because even if she insisted on only being friends we both could feel some sort of connection to one another. I wanted to tell her never, that I would stay forever, but I knew that wasn't possible.

"Any day now." This time when I glanced at her I could see the shock on her face and my stomach knotted. I hoped that by telling her that soon I would have to leave, it wouldn't make her shut down on me. I pulled into the parking lot to the huge mall forty minutes after leaving Bella's house and let out a heavy sigh.

"I am not like Alice so how about we make this fast, get in and get out." I told her smiling and she smiled back looking relived. It was good to know I wasn't the only one who hated shopping. We made our way through the department store and I was completely torn on what to get Jasper and Alice. Though when I thought about what was coming in the New Year I knew what I wanted to get them. It would be very rewarding for them, I knew they could afford to buy it themselves, but hoped getting it for them would help ease Alice. Though I knew that would be nearly impossible.

"What did you get them?" Bella asked as we meet up in the food court, we had gone our separate ways, because she wanted to get them something also. Since we both hated being in the mall equally, it made sense to split up to make it go faster. Bella and I walked towards the exit.

"Those new mini web cams." I answered shrugging as if it was no big deal, Bella stopped in her tracks. She looked at me horrified. "What is it?" I asked panicked.

"Web cams?" She said shocked and I nodded my head. "I think I need to go back and get them something else." Bella said self-conscious and uneasy.

"Nonsense." I said placing a hand on her shoulder and watched her form relax under my touch.

"You got them web cams, there is now way I am walking in there with this." Bella said shaking her head and holding up the plastic Macy's bag.

"I am sure it is fine Bella, what did you get them?" Bella blushed nervously and held the bag up to me. I peeked inside to see a coffee/cappuccino maker. "They will love that Bella." I said honestly.

"Yeah well I got it on sale and it sure isn't a state of the arch mini web cam." She said rolling her eyes, I chuckled.

"They will love it, I promise." She sighed and we continued out of the mall. The next part of the day I had planned was what had me so nervous and giddy this morning. I knew we were just out as friends, but there was something I wanted to share really bad with Bella. It was a place that my mother told me about and it sounded beautiful, I didn't know the area well, but I was fairly sure I could find it.

"Where to now?" Bella asked smiling.

"Have you ever been to the Rainbow Falls Park?"

"No I don't think so." She shook her head and I smiled.

"Me either."

**Bella's POV**

I was such an idiot with the whole 'I don't date thing'. Of course I wanted a claim on Edward and wanted to be more then friends, but I was trying to protect myself. I hadn't lied, I don't date. I hadn't dated since I was in college and had strictly sworn off men, they only complicated things for me. The only men I needed in my life were my dad and Jacob. Everyone else made things complicated and difficult. Though Edward was different and having the chance to spend a day with him was at the very top of my list of things to do.

Edward drove smoothly following the road signs leading to Rainbow Falls Park, I had never been, but I heard it was beautiful. My mother and father had visited it one time, but I was too busy under a car to go with them. I was never into the mushy romantic girly stuff, but I wasn't the same person I used to be. As soon as we found the end of the trail you could see the sparkling water and the plush greenery. Edward smiled at me and then walked around to open my door, which wasn't something I was accustomed to, but it made me feel special.

As soon as I stepped out of the car I could hear the sound of water running and smell everything around me. I didn't take in my surroundings I just followed beside Edward as he walked along the rocked trail, we were silent, but I could feel his eyes on me.

As we walked past the small pond under the water falls I saw the current in the water was rough, there were ducks fighting the tide to make it up stream. I pitied them, because most days I felt that I was fighting the tide myself.

Edward stood still for a moment and I looked up at him, he had a sly smile on his face. It was playful and mischievous, something I hadn't really seen him get with me. Though I had seen him like that with his brothers.

"Do you trust me?" He asked smiling a breathtaking smile and although I had a feeling the words were more serious over all then what he meant at this time. I answered him honestly without thinking.

"Yes." He smiled and I saw his eyes glisten as I answered.

"Good." He sighed as if a weight was lifted off his shoulders. He grabbed my wrist making my stomach flutter like on a rollercoaster and he pulled me along down a trail and towards a water fall. It was then that I saw the sign for the rainfall caves, which scared me to death.

"I am not going in there." I said quickly feeling my chest rise in panic. I was a bit claustrophobic and didn't do well with the ideas of caves and animals.

"You said you trust me." He said staring into my eyes, his emeralds pleading with me. I sighed and followed him along the slick rocks thinking that I would fall to a hard wet messy death at any moment. He pulled me behind the waterfall into a dark cave that was actually different then I expected it to be. It was cold, dark, but there was a beautiful color of blue to it. I was so used to everything being green here that I was shocked by the color.

"Stunning." Edward sighed and I looked up to see he was staring at me rather then around the cave and through the rushing water. I felt the blush hit my cheeks and he smiled even bigger, before I knew it we were sitting on a rock talking. I was so comfortable with Edward, he made my world brighter.

"Bella you know I would never pressure you to tell me anything, but it is killing me to know what happened to Ethan." Edward said glancing at me from the corner of his eye. I sucked in a hard breath knowing that I would have to tell him at some point. "Sorry I shouldn't of said anything, tell me when your ready." He said waving me off, but now that I thought about it, I wanted him to know. There were other things that I wasn't ready for him to know, because he was so perfect, but this I could tell him. It would hurt to say the words, but Edward's soothing presence gave me the strength.

"He was born with an extremely rare heart condition. I went to the doctor once a month my whole pregnancy, I took those huge nasty pills, I didn't drink anything, but water, and I followed everything in the book. The doctors didn't catch it in my ultrasounds and it wasn't even the doctor that caught it after he was born, it was a nurse. After I had him and they finally brought him back into my room I could see it in their eyes that something was terribly wrong. My heart sank as the doctor started explaining to me that he had a condition with a huge word that I didn't know and that basically he wasn't going to make it much longer. I held my baby for twenty four hours straight praying to a God that I wasn't sure I believed in. He lived and they allowed us to go home. We took him to every doctor on the West coast and they all said the same thing, they were surprised he lasted that long and we should enjoy the time we had with him. We begged and pleaded for a doctor to do something, operate or anything. But they said they couldn't operate, he was too small, too fragile, and his immunities were really low." I paused for a moment pushing back a sob trying to get this all out to Edward, I wanted him to know. I needed him to know.

"With each passing day I tried not to gain hope, I tried not to bound, because I was selfish and I didn't want to hurt. When he was four weeks old he smiled at me and suddenly I found myself hoping, praying, and bounding. The bound between a mother and a child is unbreakable, it was hard to resist. He became my world, he had been since I found I was pregnant. He lasted two years and those are the most amazing two years of my whole life. Even though he is gone I still feel the bond, I can't let him go. He is all around me."

The tears flowed freely and I didn't even try to wipe them away, because I was comfortable with Edward seeing them. He got up from his rock and came over to me, he knelt in front of me taking my hands into his. I looked into his eyes that sparkled in the dim light, he looked like there was so much he wanted to say. I watched his eyes as they spoke to me in the most intimate way. In one quick movement he released my hands and pulled me into a tight warm hug. His arms surrounded me like a protective barrier, his scent wafted over me closing me into him. It was so comfortable, so warm, I never wanted to leave this moment, this place we were in.

"You are so strong and so beautiful. I am amazed by you." He whispered into my hair and his breath hit my neck making me shiver, his arms tightened for a second. I didn't want him to let me go, but soon he did. He pulled back looking into my eyes, his head leaned forward and I was almost positive he was going to kiss me. I shook with anticipation, I had never wanted to be kissed so bad. I wondered if his kiss could make me forget the rest of the world existed, he was good at making me comfortable and forget stuff. I was sure his kiss would be magical, but he didn't kiss me. He leaned his forehead against mine, his emeralds staring into my brown eyes, his breath hitting my lips, he smelled intoxicating. I felt dizzy, this moment, the intensity of it was way more intimate then a kiss. I realized as I felt the butterflies and the dizziness that I was way overboard with Edward. He pulled away and sighed.

"I'm sorry." He apologized for his behavior, but little did he know that it was much wanted.

"No worries." I told him feeling the smile trying to over come my face, I held it back. I was trudging in dangerous territory, I was too attached, but I couldn't help it. I was falling and I couldn't catch myself, but I hoped that Edward would catch me. I wanted his arms around me.

"You ready to head back, Alice will shot my ass if we are late to her party." Edward broke the silence after our intense moment, I nodded my head. He surprised me reaching out to my hand with his own and I took it greedily. I wanted to feel the warmth and butterflies he gave me. As we exited out of the cave the first thing my eyes landed on was a beautiful flower, it was colorful and reminded me of a rainbow. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. As we passed a plaque I read that the flower was a Nebel's Rainbow. It was beautiful. As we walked I took in my surroundings I noticed the orange/green colors of the trees, I took in the beautiful blue and cloud spotted sky. Last I took in the beauty that was Edward.

Reality caught up with me, I had been blind to the beauty around me for so long, but now here today, Edward had opened my eyes. I could see again, I could take it all in.

We got to his car and he opened my door for me. As Edward got into his side he removed his jacket and pushed his sleeves up. Once we backed out I couldn't keep my eyes off his tattoos I was curious and wondered if his had meanings like mine did.

"What are your tattoos?" I asked without thinking. I did that a lot with Edward. Speak without thinking.

"Things I enjoy, love, or want to hold close to me." He answered honestly pushing up his sleeve so I could see them.

"So you play the guitar?" I asked reaching over and tracing the guitar.

"Yep, music was my life for years. It is something that I truly enjoy, I find myself too busy to play much anymore." I nodded looking over the other designs. The music notes and tribal designs.

"What is this?" I asked pointing to the tribal piece that went along the bottom of the three quarter sleeve and disappeared up under the arm of his shirt.

"That is a tribal tat that goes across my back and down the other arm, Emmett has it also." He said smiling.

"What's the story?" I asked knowing that if they both had it, there was a story behind it. Edward's demeanor changed a little bit as he sighed and glanced at me.

"Emmett and I have always been pretty close. We used to spend every school vacation with our grandfather, he was an amazing man. Jasper would always spend time with mom, he was a mommy's boy." Edward chuckled looking ahead. "We both would follow him around doing whatever he did. He retired fairly young so he was able to spend tons of time with us. Unlike Carlisle, whom worked a lot. I love my dad of course, he is an amazing man, but grandpa Masen was the one who taught me how to fish, ride a bike, and pick up the ladies." Edward wiggled his eyebrows, then shook his head. "When he passed Emmett and I took this tribal design that he had on his car, it was his baby and we turned it into a tat. Grandpa had a car that you would wet your pants for."

I couldn't help the laugh that blurted from my lips hearing Edward joke, it just wasn't what he was like around me. He laughed also.

"Well what was this car that I would need to change my pants over?" I asked laughing.

"A nineteen sixty four Chevelle SS, sleek and beautiful. It was the first year that car was made, he treated that car like a damn baby. It was this ugly green color, but it had a black tribal symbol that started on the hood as the main design, then filtered off along the sides and to the back in black. It was a sharp looking car, but the color green was horrible." He chuckled.

"I learned how to drive in that car, grandpa Masen taught me."

"Badass car to learn in." I sighed imagining the car in my head. I leaned against the seat and closed my eyes. "A lot better then a Volvo." I added smirking. I felt a poke in my side and opened my eyes to see Edward pulling his finger back from poking me. He was smiling this beautiful smile and his eyes sparkled like diamonds in the setting sun. I cleared my throat feeling like the moment and his beauty was all a little too perfect. We drove the rest of the way to Alice and Jasper's new house in silence.

When we arrived at Alice and Jasper's new house I was amazed by the beauty and the size of it. It was one of the newer homes in Forks and in a very secluded area, it was close to the Cullen family home. Jasper greeted us at the door and I knew immediately that something was off. We entered the living room and I had to say the atmosphere was very un-party like. I took a seat in a chair and Edward stood next to me, Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, Rose, Jasper, and Alice were all in the room. Alice looked gloom and her eyes were red as ifs he had been crying. I suddenly began to panic, could something of happened to my mother? I looked up at Edward and he saw the panic in my eyes he put his hand on my shoulder to calm me. I relaxed and looked to Alice and Jasper. Jasper took a deep breath with his arms wrapped around Alice and spoke.

"I wanted you all here early for dinner to tell you that I got called up for a tour in Iraq."

"No." Esme cried and I understood why Alice seemed so upset.

"Mom it is going to be fine, I won't be in the battle fields. I am just going to be the base physician. It isn't anything to fret over." Jasper said with a calming reassuring voice.

"How long?" Carlisle asked in a concerned voice.

"A year." I heard Alice sniffle as Jasper answered.

"But that is all the time you have left, can they send you?" Emmett asked looking concerned for his brother.

"Yeah, as long as I am back before my release date, I have to do whatever they tell me too." He sighed hugging Alice. "It is only a year and I will be back, I will get out." Jasper tried to assure them, but he was looking at Alice.

"When do you leave?" Esme asked.

"The end of next month."

"What?" It was Rose that spoke up this time, shocked.

"I leave at the end of next month, February second." Jasper sighed looking at Alice who was starting to cry again. I understood now why Jasper had bought this house for Alice so close to the family, he didn't want her to be alone. I felt for Alice, I never had what her and Jasper had, but I knew what it was like to lose people. But Jasper would be back, I knew he would.

Dinner was quiet and honestly a little sorrowful, I guess Alice had decided to cancel the party and just have a family dinner. I didn't blame her I wouldn't be in much mood for a party either. Edward had been right and Alice loved my gift just as much as his, when the night ended I told Alice to call me if she needed anything. I was the last person anyone should be leaning on, but I liked Alice and wanted to be there for her if need be.

"Are you scared?" I asked Edward as we drove to my house.

"What do you mean?" He asked not following.

"Jasper, going to Iraq. Does it scare you?" I clarified.

"I guess a little, but I know he will be alright." I don't know if Edward was trying to convince me or himself. "Mostly I am worried about what the distance will do to him and Alice.' This surprised me.

"I think those two can survive anything, they are truly in love." I pondered out loud, Edward smiled at me.

"I didn't mean it like that. What I meant was that Alice and Jasper have been together since we were kids, the longest time they spent apart was the six weeks that Jasper was at basic. This is going to be extremely hard on both of them. I just hope that they aren't too lonely or sad being away from each other." I could see he was truly concerned and that just added to the list of things that made Edward great.

"Thank you for today, it was fun." I told him as the car came to a stop, he smiled at me.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" He asked leaning towards me.

"Working." I answered leaning into him.

"What are you doing for lunch?" He asked staring into my eyes as if he could see my soul. I shrugged and he smiled brightly. "Would you go to lunch with a friend?"

"If that friend asked." I smirked.

"Bella will you go to lunch with me tomorrow?" Edward asked smiling and taking the breath away from me.

"I would love to." I told him smiling. It was so strange the emotions running through me, the way I acted around Edward, and the way I wanted to be around more as the time passed. His smile melted me and his touch warmed me. I took a deep breath of his scent before getting out of his car, I wanted to hold onto his calming scent forever.

Once in my room I laid alone on my bed staring at the ceiling and something became obvious to me.

I was in love with Edward Cullen.

**_Please Review it means a lot, almost as much as Edward's warm smile._**


	13. Chapter 13 Days of Absence

**This is Rated M, it does have foul language so if that offends you don't read. Thanks for being patient with me and I hope you all enjoy the chapter. **

**I do not own Twilight or it's amazing characters, I am just playing puppet master with them.**

**Chapter 13**

"**Days of Absence" **

**Edward's POV**

I glanced at the alarm clock and cursed under my breath when I saw it was just after five in the morning, I grabbed my phone that had been beeping like crazy for at least half an hour. I answered it when I saw it was my business associate handling things in California.

"Riley " I said into the phone feeling groggy and irritable. I had the perfect day yesterday with Bella, but sleeping last night had been restless. All I could think about was her strength, her pain, her beauty, her sadness, and her son. Her son who was such a huge part of her, her son that I would never get to see. It made me sad that I didn't get to know that part that made her happy, all I got to see was the aftermath. The horrible sadness and deep loss.

"Edward sorry to wake you." The fucker obviously could tell my ass wasn't awake yet by the irritation in my voice. I could hear the fear in his voice, I had almost forgot how much of a different person I was here then I was there.

"Yeah, well at least tell me you have good news for waking me." I said irritated, he knew I liked to just get to the point.

"Uh, sorry, but I actually have some bad news." I sighed irritated and he stumbled through his words. "They denied your bid for the property and the bar permit yesterday, I have been going through everything trying to find a loop hole, but I haven't found one. They did however agree to meet with you today and discuss it. I am sure you can be more persuasive then myself, plus they like to deal first hand with these things."

"How the hell am I suppose to make it there, what time is the meeting?" My voice raised in irritation. Did the fucker forget I was in Washington.

"I got you a flight, can you make it to Seattle airport before ten?" He asked his voice trembling. I glanced at the clock again, I had four and a half hours. It took two hours to get to Seattle and about two hours of airport security.

"I'll be there." I said hanging up the phone and running my hands through my hair. The first thought being Bella, she had opened up to me yesterday and now I was leaving town sooner then expected. I got up and changed my cloths and packed my stuff up quickly. I went over to Emmett's room and banged on the door, not wanting to walk in if him and Rose weren't descent. There was some scrambling around in the room, I could hear Emmett grumbling under his breath. The door swung open and Emmett stared at me sleepy and in his boxers.

"Can you pick up the Volvo from the airport around noon?" I asked him pointly. He stared at me for a moment, clearly not awake yet.

"What for?" He asked running his hand down his face in confusion.

"Well it is either that or you carry your ass out of the house and give me a ride to the damn airport."

"You leaving?" I rolled my eyes.

"Duh Emm, look just pick up my car, ok?" I answered shaking my head not having time for this shit, even a five year old would know what the fuck I was saying.

"Did something happen with Bella?" He asked sounding slightly panicked and angry. I turned back to him quickly.

"No. Why would you say that?" My own anger flaring up at the thought of anything happening to Bella.

"She is fragile and your being all mysterious and running off. So I was just wondering what the hell was going on?" Emmett said crossing his arms and raising his eyebrows at me.

"I have a last minute business meeting this evening that I can't afford to miss, damn." I said heading down the hall to the stairs. I said a quick goodbye to my mom and told her I would call her when I figured out where and what I would be doing. I knew she wanted me to come back for a little longer and honestly I wanted to, but I didn't know if it would be possible.

I got in the Volvo and headed down the driveway, but I didn't head out of town, instead I headed right for the center of town. I found myself at Bella's house, there was no way I could leave without telling her bye. The house looked eerie and quiet, but I made my way up to the door and knocked anyway. After a few moments there still was no answer, I looked around to see the only vehicle missing was Charlie's car. The garage was only a few minutes from the house so I jumped in the car and drove there, but no one was there either. I couldn't waste anymore time looking for her so as I reluctantly headed out of town. After a moment I pulled out my phone and called her. It rang four times and went to voicemail, I sighed hating to leave a message, but I didn't want to disappear without a single word. I knew I would be busy when I got to California so I didn't want to forget, though I was sure there was no way I could forget Bella.

"Hey Bella it is Edward. I know it is fucking early, but I just wanted to tell you that I am headed to California so I won't be getting lunch with you. Don't know when I will be back, sorry about leaving my goodbye in a message. Be safe Bella."

I hung up the phone and speed down the highway, hoping she wouldn't think I was running after she opened up or hate me for leaving without a proper goodbye. It was the strangest thing, I had never said goodbye to a women I wasn't related to, but Bella had me frantically searching for her to give her one. Truly I didn't like the idea of telling Bella "goodbye" it sent this weird panic feeling to my chest. Like I was afraid of not seeing her again, as if it was physically painful to think about not seeing her everyday like I had been. I was seriously fucked up and needed to get out of this twilight zone town before I turned into even more of a pansy. I was pussy whipped, without the pussy. Once I got to Cali it was time to get my ass back to the reality of what it is like to be Edward Cullen.

**Day One**

"Appeal denied." The man in the dark suit said with a final tone and I just stood there shocked. I had never been denied a damn thing in all my life, it all just naturally happened and shit. Cullen's had a charm about them, we were like the four leaf clover of fucking families, but I had been denied. Something had happened, I had been off my game and I knew why, but I was trying my best not to think about it. Well rather her. I had claimed that I would get back to being the real Edward, the one Bella didn't know. The one I was when I wasn't near the fragile beautiful girl, but so far it had been a complete failure. She was in every thought and I checked my phone frantically for a call from her. I hadn't told her to call me back, but I hoped she would. I wanted to call her, but I wasn't sure what to say. 'Hey sorry I left with only leaving you a message and I have no idea, if or when I will be back.' Yeah that is real nice.

I made my way out to the rental car with Riley on my heels, I could practically feel his fear. He figured I was pissed and he was right, because this was the one bar I had always dreamed about. In a college area, near the ocean, and fuck me it was a beautiful town. But no I was denied. Me. I slammed my door shut and started taking off before Riley even had his door closed all the way, we were silent thankfully. I had to figure out what to do now, I could just go to a town nearby, but that felt like giving in. I could speak with the council or the mayor personally. I would find a way.

"Riley call the wife and tell her you won't be seeing her for awhile, we have a shit load of work to do." I said racking my brain with plans and resolutions. I was going to get this fucking bar.

There was a voice in the back of my head telling me that maybe this was a sign, that maybe it meant that I was suppose to go to Forks and open a bar like my mom always wanted. So Emmett and Rose could raise there kids near my parents, so I could be near Bella.

_Bella._

As the days pasted that wasn't the last time I thought of Bella. She kept appearing in my thoughts, creeping up on me when I needed to push her back the most. Her heart shape face would appear before my eyes, I would shake it back only to see her pool of brown eyes looking at me. It suddenly seemed that every girl in California had went from platinum blonde to brunette to further my thoughts of Bella. Every small detail reminded me of her, I missed her like some sick lost puppy. I walked around in a slump it was the weirdest thing ever, I wanted to kick my own ass for being such a puss, but I guess that wouldn't matter so much. I missed the warmth of her, I missed that warm and fuzzy feeling she gave me, and I missed looking into her eyes, into her soul. I had never missed anyone like this, I was a lone traveler, but I missed Bella Swan.

**Day Two **

"What is up with you?" Jason asked me as I slung back another shot trying to ride my thoughts of Bella. Jason was an associate I had meet along the way and happened to be near the area, so we meet up for a beer. Though I went with Tequila rather then a beer, I needed the good shit. I just shrugged my shoulders and motioned for the bartender to bring me another round. I figured liquid courage may be the best way to get her off my mind, but fuck me if I wasn't seeing her face reflected in my drink. It was fucked up, I thought this shit only happened in movies.

"Well come on fucker it is time to brighten your mood." Jason said punching my shoulder and getting up from the bar. I knocked back another shot and stood, I could feel the warmth of the liquor run through me, but it wasn't the warmth I wanted.

I followed Jason out of the bar. I was sulking, because for one Bella wouldn't get off my mind and for two it didn't look like I was going to be getting my way this time. I let out a growl of frustration and ran my hand through my hair.

"This fucking sucks." The liquor was defiantly catching up with me as I staggered down the boardwalk. "My bar would be a hundred times better then that piece of shit in there. What the fuck, they don't want a classy joint in the town. I think these fuckers have something against me." I grumbled as I bumped into a few people along the way.

"You are so trashed." Jason chuckled trying to help me carry myself.

"Get off me pussy." I said pushing him away he just laughed at me.

"Speaking of pussy." He whispered to me as he nodded to two girls walking towards us, I couldn't tell you if they were hot or not, because one was wearing a military blue top and my thoughts went to Bella.

Bella looked amazing in dark blue, it went perfect with her creamy skin. It pulled the brown out in her eyes and hair, it made her look soft. When Bella wore blue I just wanted to run my hands along every inch of her body in a sweet caressing way.

"I get the one in the skirt." Jason added in a low whisper as they were only feet in front of us. "Why hello ladies." He said in a charming voice. The girls giggled a little and smiled at him, while batting their most likely fake eyelashes. I noticed that the one in the skirt happened to be the one with the blue shirt, she had blonde hair and blue eyes. The blue looked good on her, because of her eyes, but she had nothing on Bella. The other girl had dark red hair, it was almost brown. I wasn't really looking to get fucked by a stranger tonight, but then again maybe I could get Bella off my mind. It had been a long time since I got laid, I mean like a fucking year in men time.

I let Jason do his swooning and all I had to do was flash a crooked smile and I almost saw the girls knees buckle. It was a simple task to get the girls to come back to our hotel rooms, you would think that they would be smarter. What if we were murders or rapist, but then again I don't think there would be need to rap either of them, since they both seemed more then willing. Jason parted ways with me and Red, which was now her name, because I didn't catch the real shit. I slid the key to my room into the slot throwing the door open and the girl followed me, she didn't even know my fucking name, but yet here she was in my room. _Bella would never be that stupid, she was smart and beautiful. Unlike Red._

I barely shut the door behind me when the girl attacked me, shoving me up against the door. She started assaulting my face and it felt oddly wrong to kiss her. Her lips were so wrong, they were plush and pink soiled with lipstick. They weren't uneven with a slight pout to the bottom. I turned my head so that she could put her ugly lips on my neck, because I didn't want to kiss her. Her hands roamed me and I placed mine on her hips. Usually by this time I would be cupping her ass or round fake tits, but not tonight. Her face and hair were the wrong color and I couldn't look at her, but when I closed my eyes all I saw was Bella. My dick was hard don't get me wrong, but for some reason I had an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. The girl tugged on the hem of my shirt indicating she wanted me to take it off so I pulled it over my shoulders. I cut my mind off completely and tried to not think, just feel.

Her hands roamed me as I laid on the bed in only my boxers, my eyes closed. I was letting her do all the work, because I just wasn't feeling it. My buzz was wearing down making me sleepy as fuck and her hands were all wrong. Everything about her was wrong. I guess it wasn't really her fault she had been born with big hands and round fingers, they weren't tiny and delicate like Bella's.

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Mother Fucker._

I pushed the bitch off me and grumbled for her to just get the hell out, because this shit wasn't happening tonight. I ran my hands over my face and waited a moment before looking up to see Red looking down at me confused.

"I said go." I told her pointing to the door.

"What the hell is your problem?" She asked with her hands on her hips, they were to narrow.

"Your not her." The words slipped through my lips without my permission and I silently slapped myself.

"Ok." Red said staring at me like I was completely crazy, which I could possibly be. She gathered her things and dressed quickly giving me one more 'is this guy fucking nuts look' before leaving my room. I fell back on the bed with thoughts of Bella assaulting me.

I was defiantly fucking crazy. Perhaps my father could prescribe me something.

**Day Three**

I woke up hung the fuck over, pissy, and horney as hell. I had the weirdest dream about Bella and myself, to say it was strange would be an understatement. I couldn't recall most of it, but the parts that I did recall confused the hell out of me. Bella and I were on a large tower of some sort, it was high above the ground and she was leaning over the edge. She looked stunning the sun hit her perfectly and she looked so warm and loving. She turned and smiled at me it was the most beautiful sight, it was a real smile. Something I had yet to really see. Then the dream shifted it was darker, weirder. I couldn't make anything out, just Bella's voice telling me to follow her, to follow her into the darkness.

I had no idea what any of this meant or how the hell I ended up waking up with a boner, but I did. I grumbled as I made my way to the shower where I shook one out while imagining Bella on the tower in the sun smiling at me.

The rest of the day as the sun shined I thought of Bella's face and her smile.

**Day Four**

I was going to punch someone, I was going to do it. I hadn't fucked or hit anyone in awhile, but today I was going to do one of the two. And after the encounter with Red in my hotel room I am sure we knew which one it would be. I wasn't getting my way it was clear as day, as the Mayor of the city stood before me telling me that he doesn't want my bar in his city. He said they had two and that was more then enough. _How the hell is two bars enough? _I was like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, because I wasn't getting my way. I had worked none stop, with the exception of getting drinks with Jason the other night. I had tried to bribe and work with every person with authority in the damn city, but it was a no go. I was beginning to think they had something against me personally.

I couldn't figure it out so like any rational person I sat on the balcony of my hotel room with a bottle of tequila watching people play on the beach. I tried to figure out where the hell I had gone wrong, what the hell had happened. It didn't make sense to me at all. I hated when things didn't make sense to me, it pissed me off. My phone rang and like every other time on this trip I glanced down hopeful that it was my Bella. _My Bella. _I wished she was mine. But like every other time it was not Bella.

This time it was my mother.

"Hello."

"Hey dear, how is your trip going?" She asked in a sweet mothering voice, but her voice sounded a little off.

"Pretty shitty." I told her taking another swig of Tequila.

"I am sorry, do you want to talk about it?" My mom always so sweet and loving.

"Not really, but lets just say I am not getting my way and I am not happy about that." I grumbled.

"Yes well that is what happens when you are the baby of the family, you think you should always get your way." I could almost hear her smile through the phone.

"Yeah well I blame you for spoiling me." I teased her.

"What can I say it is a mothers job?" She teased back sweetly and paused before continuing. "Perhaps it isn't meant to be son, perhaps your are suppose to be somewhere else." She suggested in an all knowing voice.

"Perhaps." I told her only to humor her, but after we got off the phone it rolled around in my head. I thought about what she had said. Perhaps it wasn't where I was suppose to be, perhaps it all had been a sign that I should be somewhere else. Somewhere that a brunette with delicate hands and sad eyes was, somewhere I could make those sad eyes happy again.

Suddenly everything was as clear as the California sky……..

**Bella's POV**

With my realization that I was indeed in love with Edward I strangely found myself in a peaceful sleep for the first time in a long time. I didn't have nightmares, I didn't cry myself to sleep, and I didn't feel the itch for something to hold the pain back. The thought of seeing Edward for lunch the next day and the memory of his arms holding me were enough to keep me at peace. Strangely as it was it all just felt right, but that feeling wouldn't last.

**Day One**

I shot up out of bed, something had pulled me awake. I wasn't sure what it was, but as a distinct sound reached my ears a shiver ran down my spine. It was the lone sound of a Owl hooting outside, I couldn't see it, but I could hear it. It was faint, but it was there. I took deep breaths ignoring the nocturnal bird and settled back down into my bed. I glanced over at the clock seeing it was just after four in the morning. I knew sleep wasn't going to be coming back to me so I crawled out of bed.

As I reached the hallway I paused outside of the room next to mine, the door that stayed closed. Behind that door lived a whole different world and behind that door held everything I had left of the person I once was. My hand found its way to the doorknob and I thought seriously about entering, I hadn't been in that room for three years, but today I wanted to go in. Something was pulling me, I wanted so badly to just walk through that door. But I knew that the one thing I wanted to see on the other side wouldn't be there. So I walked away and to the bathroom, because today I couldn't bare it. I still wasn't strong enough, I was weak.

My hands started to shake and my body itched, I hadn't even entered the damn room, but still I was fighting for control. I clung to the sink and closed my eyes tight, chanting to myself to fight the pain and memories away. A few deep breaths and my mind wondered to a pair of jade eyes, to a chiseled jaw line, and to a pair of strong warm arms. Edward. Somehow thinking of him gave me strength, I was able to control the urge to fall apart. I was able to control the itch, it was enough for now. Though once the thoughts of Edward started it was nearly impossible to stop them, but I had to admit that thoughts of him were better then thoughts of other things.

Two knocks sounded on the door followed by my mothers voice. "Bella are you in there?" Her voice sounded funny, I swung the door open. Her face was pale even in the dark, her hands were shaking she didn't look well.

"Mom?" I looked at her with concern.

"I am not feeling so.." Her words faltered and she swayed her eyes rolling back I reached out for her and caught her in my arms, which pushed me back into the wall. She was heavy and limp in my arms, I was horrified as I held her. Panic ran through me.

"DAD!" I yelled nearly hysterical. I lightly lowered my mother to the floor and placed her face between my hands. "Mom, please mom." I pleaded for her to open her eyes, I knew she was alive her chest was rising and falling. Moments later my father raced into the hallway, it felt like minutes, but it was most likely only seconds.

"What happened?" He asked panicked scooping my mother up. I mumbled incoherently through the tears of fear and panic, I could see the same emotions reflecting back from my strong father. The women he had spent more then half his life loving, the women he woke up for every morning. My heart ached as my father yelled at me to call an ambulance, I did as he said going through the motions, but not really there. I was lost in panic and fear, it was all a blur. The ambulance, the sirens, twenty minutes later I was sitting in an emergency room, but it felt like a lifetime later.

I hated emergency rooms, I hated hospitals. I had spent too much time in them and too many times nothing good came of them. I sat in the bright white room with my head in my hands, my heart thumping in my ears. I could hear the blood flowing through my veins with intensity. I wasn't ready to loose my mother yet? I didn't want to loose her at all, but especially not right now. I wasn't strong enough, I was still hurting. I just knew there was no way I could handle it. My father paced back in forth in front of me, I couldn't see him, but I could feel him. Every emotion was rolling off him and onto me, every step he took hit my heart. This would break him, he would fall apart, I would fall apart. There was no one to save either one of us once she was no longer here, she was the glue. She was what brought me back from the darkness.

My hands shook, my body craved and itched for the little white powder that would make all this disappear. The little powder that for just a little bit would make me feel good, make me forget, make me numb. That was what I wanted right now, at least that is what my body was telling me. It was like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. The devil chanting how good the powder would make me feel and the angel whispering that it would break my mothers heart and that I was better then that. Today the angel would win, because I was still strong enough to fight it. But who knew what tomorrow would bring.

I was hunched over in the chair with my forearms on my knees and my head in my hands, my fingers grasping at my hair. The hours were passing, Jacob sat next to me rubbing my back soothingly. Charlie and Billy sat across from us, Billy silent, but Charlie bouncing his knee up and down. I only had one thing on my mind, it seemed to calm. Edward. His bronze hair, his intense green eyes, and his calming voice. With my eyes closed I could see his gorgeous face behind the lids of my eyes and it kept me sane in this moment. He would think I was crazy if he knew this, but it helped. I felt Jacob's hand stall on my back and tense up, I glanced up at him to see his eyes fixated ahead. I heard footsteps and glanced up to see Carlisle walking up. I raised my head enough to see him fully, my heart pounded in my ears once again. Charlie stood up immediately in front of my mothers doctor, I took in Dr. Cullen's features and knew it wasn't good news. He looked worried and stressed, Carlisle usually wore a calm neutral mask. But we were like family to him. Looking into his eyes I also knew my mother was still alive for now, because that small hope was still there.

"Carlisle how is she?" My father asked panicked. Carlisle held up a hand to calm him.

"She is doing alright Charlie, would you and Bella like to come into my office for a moment." This time I tensed, his office wasn't good. Doctors always delivered bad news in their offices, in the lobby they told you the good news so the other patients around would have hope, but in their office they hide the bad news from the other patients. Billy and Jacob followed along with my father and I behind Carlisle to his office. I was doing my best to find strength so that I would be able to handle whatever it was that Carlisle was going to tell us. Carlisle walked behind his desk taking a seat, my father and I took the two chairs. Billy wheeled in just far enough to get the door shut and Jacob stood behind me, one hand on my shoulder in support. Jacob was always there for me and it was good, because I was going to need someone to lean on.

I wished Edward were here, but then again I wouldn't want him to see me break.

"Renee is stabilized, but we ran some test and I am afraid that our findings were not pleasant." Carlisle spoke in his doctors voice, but I could hear the personal effect behind his calm demeanor. His family was connected with ours, he thought of my mother as a friend, as family, his wife was my mothers best friend. My mother was more then just another patient to him.

"The cancer has spread, we have found traces of it in her bone marrow and…" He paused taking another deep breath, the spark of hope was gone from his eyes, I felt a sob building up. "There are small traces of it in the brain cells." I gasped for air, Jacob's hand tightened on my shoulder. The room was slightly spinning, the blood pounding in my ears, Jacob's. I could hear my father asking Carlisle what that meant, but we all already knew what it meant.

"I am sorry Charlie, but there is nothing more we can do for her. All we can do now is make her as comfortable as possible." Carlisle's eyes showed how sad he was, they showed that there was no hope.

"How long?" My fathers voice was intense detached in an over bearing way, I risked a glance at him. His eyes were glossy with tears, worry lines etched in his face. I had only seen my father cry once and that was at his grandsons funeral. The sob broke free and I put my head in my hands.

_Hold yourself together Bella._

I told myself and regained my composure, I didn't need to break down in front of them. They all thought I was weak enough as it was.

"A month at most." Carlisle's words shot to my soul, my hands started to shake and the devil on my shoulder started chanting. There was only so much heart break a person could take.

**Day Two**

I carried my moms things out to the car as I watched them wheel her into the back of the white transport van. Carlisle had arranged for her to have in home care, he wanted her to be able to be home her last days. I closed my eyes tight as I thought of those words, her last days.

**Day Three**

Sadness and despair was settled over the house. My mother was situated downstairs, we had pushed the furniture aside and had a hospital bed in the living room. It would have been to difficult to bring her all the way upstairs and I am sure my father would rather her not die in their bedroom. Mother was sleeping a lot, she had a morphine IV to make her comfortable and she just slept. My father and I took turns by her bedside not wanting her to be alone for a moment, when she was awake she was vomiting or telling us everything was going to be fine. Things were far from fine.

**Day Four**

"Bella you need to get out of this house, you and Jake go to Alice's new years party." My mother told me again patting my hand.

"No mom I need to be here with you." I argued shaking my head. She had been awake a lot today, which was rare so I didn't want to waste a moment of it.

"Please." She pleaded. "I don't like you seeing me like this and I don't want you starting your year off next to my death bed." I shut my eyes tight fighting off the tears, my chest aching. "Please it is only a few hours, do it for me." She just had to say that. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, her light green eyes were staring intensely at me. I thought of Edward and his intense green eyes. He had left me a message saying he had to leave for work and I had no idea when or if he was coming back. That made another tare at my heart. I had let Edward in and now he was cutting his own piece out of my heart, being gone. I didn't think it would hurt this bad without him around. I didn't get much to think about it with my mother being so sick, but he did cross my mind. A part of me did wish I could have his numbing, soothing touch with me. I wanted his warm embrace to comfort me as he did that day in the cave under the waterfall. I just wanted Edward, I loved him and he would never even know it.

"Ok, but we go at eleven and come back right after midnight." My mom sighed and nodded her head. I held her hand and stared into her eyes, she stared back with a slight smile. She was so brave, so strong.

The owl that I heard the morning my mother was rushed to the hospital was still outside my window every night, his hooting getting closer and closer. He was taunting me, warning me. Soon he would be upon me and so would death.

**So yes another sad chapter, but we only have a few more sad chapters before Bella finds some happiness. Make sure you review it inspires me to write faster. **

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**Don't forget to review, please for Bella and all her heartache. Or for Edward shirtless drinking tequila on a balcony in Cali. **


	14. Chapter 14 To Broken To Love

_**I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh**_

_**I want to hold you high and steal your pain away**_

_**I keep your photograph; and I know it serves me well**_

_**I want to hold you high and steal your pain**_

_**Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome**_

_**And I don't feel right when you're nowhere **_

_**You've gone away.**_

_**You don't feel me here anymore.**_

_**Broken - Seether**_

**Chapter 14**

"**To Broken to Love"**

**Edward's POV**

I was fighting against time as I ran from the airport to a taxi that was parked and waiting for me. I could practically hear the ticks on my watch as the taxi slowly wound through the rainy streets at a pace that would put a granny to shame. I thought of her beautiful heart shaped face and all the things about her that I had missed. I had never missed anyone in my life, but I missed Bella. My whole heart and soul missed her and I hated it, but loved it. It was a strange sensation like everything was with Bella, it was new, raw, and completely out of control. Even with the strange sensations I loved her, I had realized that much, that I did indeed love Bella. Now I just had to hope that she felt the same or that she would one day feel the same. I knew how much she had been through and I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted to protect her, I wanted to save her.

After an hour and fifteen minute taxi ride I was finally in Alice and Jaspers driveway. As soon as the car slowed I threw an unknown amount of money at the taxi driver. Money didn't matter in this moment, he didn't matter, all that mattered was Bella. The rain didn't phase me, the fact that my bags were tossed out by the driver didn't phase me, my feet moved forward and through the front door. The New Years party was in full swing and they were getting ready to start the countdown to the New Year. I scanned the crowd as they started at ten, my eyes frantically searching for Bella.

"Nine." _Come on Bella, where are you?_

"Six."

"Five."

_Bella. Bella. Bella._

My eyes found her leaning against the back wall she looked sad and depressed, without thinking I ran to her and pulled her into my arms. Our eyes meet just as everyone chanted "one". I didn't think about it, I just brought my lips to hers and tasted her. The kiss was passionate and deep, I poured all my love into it. She kissed me back and I could taste her love also, but what else was I tasting. It took a moment for me to notice what it was, because the kiss was so magical, but as we pulled apart I recalled the taste. _Whisky. _

I looked into her chocolate eyes for an answer, but all that showed was love. The sadness and depression I saw moments ago covered by the magic that our kiss held. She was still lost in it, that I didn't question her about the whisky. I didn't want my first words to her to be accusations, I wanted her to know how I felt.

"I missed you." The words came out in a whisper and Bella smiled tears coming to her eyes. _Why was she crying. _"I am sorry don't cry." I said quickly internally slapping myself thinking that it was too soon, too fast, and that I made a mistake. But then my heart warmed at the sound of her faint chuckle.

"No it is just I missed you too, but I didn't think I would see you again." Her voice broke and it broke my heart, I loathed myself for making her feel that way. I cupped her beautiful rosy cheeks and pressed my lips to hers just once, then pulled back. She was beautiful my memory had not done her justice, this beauty could not be envisioned.

"I couldn't stay away Bella. All I thought of was you. I couldn't eat, sleep, or even breath without you. I know this all may be too much, too soon, but you have to know." I paused taking a deep breath and staring into her longing chocolate eyes. "I am crazy about you, not in a stocker way, but in a your all I want kind of way." Nothing I was saying was making sense even to me, but I hoped she got what I was saying. She smiled, a real smile. It was beautiful and instantly contagious. I pulled her to me and held her tight, she wrapped her arms around me and then her legs around my waist. She had a death grip on me and I hoped she would never let me go, because I sure as hell didn't want to let her go.

This was our moment, the moment when everything seemed perfect, everything seemed right. I knew in sixty years I would remember this moment, but as all moments do it ended. Bella suddenly realized that she was wrapped around me with a room full of people and I let her fall from me and stand on her own feet again. I suddenly felt cold and lonesome. I wanted her wrapped around me again, I looked down into her eyes hoping she hadn't realized this was a mistake. I was confused as to what I saw there, I could see the love, I could see she had missed me and that she had realized that that was our moment also, but there was something lingering in her eyes. It was plain as day to me even though she was doing her best to fight it. I could see her eyes were full of unshed tears, but not the happy kind that she had a moment ago. No these were the stressful, the worrisome, and the scared kind. I pulled her too my chest and held her tight against me running my hands down her long soft smooth hair.

"What's wrong?" I whispered into her hair and I felt a sob escape her. I wanted to cry myself, I never cried, but seeing Bella like this I wanted to cry. I was slightly panicked I didn't know what was wrong, I didn't know what to do? I knew it wasn't her usual pain, this wasn't about Ethan, it may have had a little to do with him, but something else was going on. Then I realized the only other thing that could break Bella, the only other thing she had left. Her mother. I held her tight wishing the pain would just disappear, wishing that my arms were enough to protect her from it. God I had never loved anyone as much as I loved Bella. She was broken, but I planned to fix that. I planned to love her with all my heart and soul and hope that somehow I was the glue to put her back together. I glanced up from the top of Bella's head to catch the eyes of some of my family. Emmett looked kind of shocked at my display of affection to Bella, because it wasn't my style. Rosalie had a sweet motherly look as she watched me hold Bella and I was happy that she wasn't judging. Alice and Jasper both looked as though they could cry, as if they knew I was soaking up Bella's pain, as if they knew I was in love with her. Then the last set of eyes I landed on wasn't my family, but it was Bella's. Jacob stood hands clinched into fist, face red, teeth gritted tighter in anger. He was jealous, he stood frozen watching and hating it. I took a deep breath and turned back to Bella, he didn't matter. His jealousy didn't matter all that would matter from now on was Bella. My Bella.

I held her close to me being assaulted by the scent of strawberries and the natural clean pure smell of Bella. She was crying against me and I could feel her tears wetting my shirt, but I just held her tighter wishing the pain away. Wishing that with each tear it took some of her pain away, but I knew it wouldn't. Her pain couldn't just be taken away it had to be healed. I had to heal her.

"Everything alright here?" Jacob's husky voice broke into mine and Bella's little bubble. I wanted to punch him square in the nose, because at the sound of his voice Bella pulled away from me. She wiped the tears from her eyes and I could see Jacob's hands clinching in and out of fist next to me as he tried to control his rage.

"It is fine Jake." Bella said giving him a half hearted smile. I thought about the real smile she had given me moments ago and my ego stomped on Jacob's. Because she had given me a real smile and all he got was a half hearted one.

_This is ridiculous this isn't a competition._

I thought to myself annoyed that I was letting Jacob enter into my personal business. Letting him mess up this reunion, this moment. This was about me trying to fix Bella and I was happy she had him when she needed him, but it was my turn. It was my turn to be there for her, to be the one she runs to.

"Ok well the clock struck midnight you meet your part of the bargain you ready to head out?" I had no idea what Jacob was talking about, but I wasn't ready for Bella to leave. I wasn't ready to be away from her again, I never wanted to be away from her again.

_Damn Cullen fall fast and hard why don't you._

"I could drive you." I said quickly without thinking and then internally slapped myself as I remembered that I had taken a cab to get here. Bella looked between Jacob and I, then she nodded her head.

"Thanks. I am sure Jake wasn't ready to leave anyway." She smirked nodding to the small brunette that Jacob had been speaking to before.

"Bells." Jacob's tone was one of worry. He cut his eyes at me and then looked back to her softly, trying to make a point that he didn't like this.

"I am fine, Edward can get me home." She smiled reassuringly and I smiled just at the way she said my name. It sounded like heaven coming off her lips, I never really liked my name until this moment. Jacob looked between the two of us for a second and then nodded his head.

"Alright call me and let me know how things are." He told her sternly with a hint of sadness in his voice and then I remember that something had happened to her mother. I was sure her mother hadn't passed, because I know she wouldn't be here, but something was up.

"I am going to go grab my coat out of Alice's room." Bella said quickly giving Jacob a warning looking and then giving me a small smile. She turned almost hesitant to leave me, but I nodded in encouragement. Now I had to borrow someone's car to take Bella in, because I didn't have any transportation.

"Excuse me Jacob I have to go speak to Jasper for a moment." I told him trying to avoid his annoying glare, but he held his hand out to stop me. I wasn't sure why I hated this guy so much, but I did. For some reason I was just daring him to push me so I could hit him or break his hand that was now blocking my path.

"Look Bella has a lot going on right now and I don't want you taking advantage of that. She is fragile and I won't allow you to hurt her." Jacob said once again, hadn't he already warned me once or twice. Damn the boy has trust issues.

"I already told you Jacob, I am not going to hurt Bella. I just want to be there for her and I will be until she wants otherwise." I used the best final tone I could, because I didn't want to have this conversation with him again.

"Just making sure." He tried to control himself, but I heard the hint of jealousy under his anger. I had a feeling that Jacob was just angry with the world, that perhaps it had nothing to do with me, but I couldn't be sure. I also had a feeling within me that the hint of jealousy told me that Jacob didn't see Bella as a sister as she saw him like a brother. My instincts told me that Jacob Black was in love with Bella Swan and had been for a really long time. I almost felt sorry for him, he loved her, he stood by her, but it didn't look like he would ever have her in the way he probably dreamed of having her. I wanted to be sad about this, but I wasn't. Because it was this fact that made it ok for me to love Bella, it made it ok for me to pursue things with her. Because I knew that Bella didn't love him in that way, she only saw him as a friend, a brother. I said a quick goodbye to Jacob and made my way over to were Jasper and Alice stood with Rose and Emmett.

"Hey." I said hoping they wouldn't give me much shit, because I didn't have time for it.

"Hello." Emmett smirked and I rolled my eyes turning to Jasper.

"Can I borrow your car?"

"Sure thing." Jasper said pulling out his keys and handing them to me.

"So what's the story?" Rose asked as they all eyed me suspiciously.

"I will fill you all in later." I informed them as I saw Bella entered back into the room, her eyes searching frantically until landing on me. A small smile playing on her lips, I couldn't help, but smile back.

"Ooh, little bro has got it bad." Emmett teased punching me in the gut. I turned my fiercest glare on him, but the warm and fuzzy feeling that Bella caused in me made a smile slip, causing them all to laugh at me. I said a rushed goodbye and joined Bella at her side, she gave them a small wave as we headed out. I held the door open for Bella and she gave me a small thankful smile, but the sadness, the fear, and the worry was still plain as day in her expressive brown eyes. I hated it, I wanted to erase it.

It was silent in the car as I drove slowly, really slowly to Bella's house. I didn't want to lose any time with her by driving fast, so I resisted the urge and drove at snail pace. I didn't know what to say, where to start.

Did I mention the kiss? Did I ask her how she was? Did I ask about the mother? I used to never be this uncertain about myself, I used to just say whatever the fuck I wanted, but Bella had me speechless. I glanced over at her and caught her with her fingers pressed to her lips, a smile playing on them. I knew what she was thinking about, she was thinking about our kiss. I felt a slight warmness come to my cheeks.

_Was I fucking blushing. _

If it wasn't official before, it was now, Bella Swan was going to be the death of me. I couldn't go any longer without hearing her voice.

"So.." I paused trying to find something else to say, what the hell was wrong with me. I was in the car with the women I loved, but I couldn't find anything to talk to her about. In truth I had a lot to talk to her about, a lot to ask her, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

"So." She said putting her hands in her lap and glancing at me, a faint blush on her cheeks. "How long are you back for?" When she questioned me her tone was guarded, unreadable. I took a deep breath hoping that my answer was going to make her happy.

"Hopefully awhile." She glanced at me looking hopeful and God I wanted so bad to make her hope and dream again.

"Really? What about California, your bar?" Ahh well not what I wanted to talk about, but it was better then silence. She looked truly worried like someone had stolen my dog or something.

"Not going to happen." I sighed not wanting to talk about it, because I wanted to move forward now. I wanted to forget about the past, forget about work, and I wanted to build a future with Bella.

_Was it too soon for me to be thinking like that? _I hadn't even taken the girl on a date and here I was wanting a future with her. It was official Bella had imbedded herself inside of me and I was being taken over by her. It was all about her.

"I'm sorry." She said looking like it was the worst thing ever. I guess I had told her at one point that it was my dream place to have a bar, but I had a new dream now.

"Don't be. It is for the best, plus now I can stick around here for awhile." I smiled at her, I had told the girl I was crazy about her earlier, I had kissed her, I had seen love in her eyes, but here I was afraid to mention the future with her.

No matter how slow I drove the inevitable happened and I arrived at her house. I suddenly had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach like I was about to lose something so important to me. Like I could already feel the distance between us.

"Thanks for the ride." She gave me a quick sad smile, but I wasn't ready for her to go. I had to have plans for us to be together again, I couldn't let the night end. I reached over and grabbed her arm, even through her jacket I could feel the electricity.

"Bella can I see you tomorrow?" I asked looking straight into her brown eyes, she smiled a little, but then it was like something suddenly occurred to her and she looked guilty.

"Edward, I would really love that, but.." She took a deep breath tears brimming her eyes and I suddenly wanted to wrap her into my arms and hide her from this cruel world. "my mom she.." Bella shook her head she couldn't say the words and I wasn't about to make her. I could get the information from my father, I pulled Bella into my arms and she let me. We stayed like that for awhile and I didn't want to ever let her go, this was at the top of my favorite things to do. Hold my Bella. The very top of the list would have to be kiss my Bella, but I wasn't sure when that would happen again.

"Shh it is ok Bella, you don't have to tell me. I am here for you alright, if you need anything I am here. If you need a shoulder to cry on, hell I will cook and clean if that is what you need. It doesn't matter how big or small I am here for you. My phone is always on for you, I am here for you." I assured her holding her tight to me and wishing I didn't have to let her go. But like every other thing tonight the time for this was up also and she pulled away with a whispered goodbye and I knew now that goodbyes were the worst thing invented. I watched her walk into her house and felt the separation from her, I felt empty without her around. I had never been in the need of anyone's company before, but I needed Bella's. I craved it. So it was decided before I even left her driveway that I would be coming back in the morning, I would make her let me help. I kind of felt like maybe I should wait for her to come to me, but I just couldn't. Tomorrow I was going to be selfish and come to Bella. I was going to make her let me be there for her.

As I headed to Alice and Jasper's a million questions ran through my head, which was nothing new with Bella. There was always questions and few answers, but I hoped that she would give me the time and I would get the answers. All I wanted from Bella was time. Time to love her. Time to know her.

As promised my family was waiting for answers when I returned and there was no way I could play it cool with the smile that was graced on my face. Even with all the worry for Bella I couldn't help, but feel happy about the kiss we shared. It was like she gave me a part of her, she gave me a sign that she could love again. She could be whole again and I was going to take that part and run with it.

**Bella's POV**

_Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God._

_Breath in. Breath out. _

I was having some sort of panic attack and I didn't know how to control it. I was pressed against the front door of my house as I tried to remember how to breath. I didn't want to be happy, I didn't want to be excited, but Edward Cullen had kissed me. I felt like a teenager freaking out about a kiss, but it was so perfect. So beautiful. So unexpected. My chest felt warmed and I felt something other then pain for the first time in a long time. I wanted to hope that Edward would be there, I wanted to hope that he would kiss me again. I wanted to hope that he would be mine, but I pushed the hope back. Hope was something I gave up on a long time ago, it was something I knew better then to believe in. Too many emotions, too many feelings were running through me and I had no idea how to control them. The night was almost a blur now the way my head was rushed with so much emotion and I realized now that it had turned into one of the top ten best nights of my life.

Jacob had practically dragged me out of my house promising me that we could leave as soon as it was the new year and I held that promise close. I didn't want to leave my mothers side, it was painful to be away from her. I didn't want something to happen and her need me. I didn't want her to be alone, but she wasn't my father was there, but still I wanted to be there for her like she had been for me in the past. But she forced me to go. So as we stepped out of Jacob's car and towards Alice's front door I started counting down the minutes until I could leave. Alice greeted us at the door with a ridiculous headband reading the new year on it and then she shoved one on top of my head. I smiled and did my best to be sociable, Alice seemed happier then the last time I saw her. She seemed to be coping well with Jasper's pending deployment. After spending what I thought was a reasonable amount of time socializing (six and a half minutes), I headed into the kitchen to hang out (hide). It was in the kitchen that the night got even worse, it was in the kitchen that I thought I was going to have a melt down in front of all these people. It was in that kitchen that I wished someone was there to help me. I wished that someone was there to numb the pain, to make me feel something good. I wished for Edward, because as if the owl outside my bedroom window wasn't bad enough Alice had a owl cookie jar sitting on her kitchen table with all the liquor surrounding it. I closed my eyes trying to control the pain, the fear, and all the negative memories. I tried to kick out Billy Black's voice from when I was younger and he told me what an owl symbolized. I tried not to be superstitious, because it wasn't me. But I was failing. I needed something to take the slight edge off, I needed to calm down.

"Hey, you look like you could use a drink." I opened my eyes to see Emmett standing there with a shot glass in his hand, I stared at it torn. Because I wanted to drink it, I wanted to take the edge off, but I was scared that one drink would break everything I had worked for. "Come on it is just one little shot, it will help." He assured me and I knew it would help, I was afraid it would help too much. But as the Owl cookie jar was glaring at me in my peripheral I decided that one drink couldn't hurt. I could stop at one. I smiled taking the shot from Emmett and downing it, not even realizing it was straight tequila. It burned going down, but it was like I instantly curved a craving. It was like I instantly felt a little warmer.

"Wow, that was impressive." Emmett chuckled downing two shots himself and nudging me before heading off. I didn't look at the table or the other drinks, I just took a deep breath and headed back to the main room. I stood off to the side and watched everyone else. The one shot I had warmed me and though it wasn't enough to get me buzzed, I felt like it relived the tension a little. So I stood there able to hold myself together, able to keep from breaking down, but I couldn't hold the worry and sadness off. I just couldn't push myself to be numb, but I held myself together. As all the happy carefree people in the room started counting down I just wished that I was curled up in my bed. I wished that I didn't have to see them all so happy, so in love, so.. Everything I wasn't and would never be. I wished that I had my heart and soul back, I wished that the last three years hadn't been real. I wished I was curled up in bed with my son, I wished that my mother wasn't sick and as I opened my eyes the last thing I was going to wish for was before.

I wished that Edward was here.

Before I could have a coherent thought I was in his arms his eyes were on mine and then his lips were on mine. I could feel the passion, he wasn't hesitant he was giving me all of him. I felt him taking some of my pain, I felt him giving all of himself to me. His lips were soft, but hard. Cold, but warming. It was perfect, it was the best kiss I had ever experienced, there was so much emotion in it. It was too perfect and I never wanted it to end. I was scared that when it did end he would be gone. I was scared that I would break when the kiss broke apart. It did indeed end, but I didn't break. I found strength in him, there was no way he could know that, but I did. Something about that kiss gave me strength, like I could make it another minute, another hour.

That feeling didn't stay though, because as soon as I came down from my Edward endued high, as soon as I caught my breath, as soon as the panic attack was over. I was left alone, I was left in my house with my dying mother and my emotional inept father. It was then that the worst truth imaginable hit me it was then that I had to run to the bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet, because it was too much. Everything was too much.

Why couldn't things be simpler? Why couldn't that kiss had lasted forever? Why was the world against me? Why didn't I just allow myself a moment of happiness and not feel guilty?

The truth was that I was damaged and broken. To broken for Edward Cullen or anyone else to love. These were the cards I was dealt no use in trying to defy them.

I pushed off the door and went to check on my mother. Her and my father were curled up on the hospital bed in our living room sound asleep. My fathers hand over my mothers heart, head on her shoulder, my mother had her hand wound into my fathers hair and they both had peaceful looks on their faces causing tears to roll down my cheeks. They were the picture of love and I hated the world, because it was going to ruin this picture soon.

I went to sleep with a thousand different questions on my mind and I knew that morning wouldn't bring any answers or be any better. Because in the morning I would still be Bella Swan, damaged and broken. My mother would still be sick and my baby boy would still be lost from this world.

To my surprise the morning brought on warmness and happiness, which wasn't expected. I felt warm, because of the sunshine that entered into my room. I felt happiness, because I could hear my mothers laughter echoing through the halls. It was beautiful and for a moment I forgot she was sick. I forgot that she was going to die. I pushed those thoughts back and focused on her laugh. I threw my blankets off me and made my way down the hall and stairs following the beautiful melody. I was surprised to see she wasn't in her bed. She hadn't been out of that bed for days, she had been to sick to move, but today the bed was made up and she wasn't in it. I made my way towards the kitchen confused and stood frozen in the doorway. Tears sprang to my eyes and I had to hold onto the frame for support, the most beautiful sight sat before me. Low music played in the room a song that I had heard before, but never really paid much attention to.

_Every time our eyes meet This feeling inside me Is almost more than I can take Baby when you touch me I can feel how much you love me And it just blows me away I've never been this close to anyone or anything I can hear your thoughts I can see your dreams _

I listened and watched as my father twirled my mother around the floor in a almost graceful manor. As far as I knew my mother and father had never danced, not even on their wedding day. Charlie was like me a complete klutz dancing didn't come pleasantly. But today I watched him gracefully twirl my mother around to the most beautiful song. My mother laughed and smiled happily, but that wasn't the only thing that was beautiful in the room.

Edward stood leaning against the counter watching them with the most beautiful smile on his face and as his eyes meet mine, they shined loved. As I watched him watching my parents with love I fell for him all over again. The tears were chocked in my throat at the beauty of it all, the peacefulness flowed around me. Edward made his way over to me slowly and with purpose. A look of determination on his perfect face, he held his hand out to me and smiled.

"Bella can I have this dance." My eyes widened and I glanced at my parents flowing across the kitchen floor beautifully.

"Go on Bella dear, Edward is a great dancer he taught us." My mother smiled and tears formed in my eyes. Edward had taught my parents to dance, he had made one of my mothers dreams come true. She had dreamed of dancing with my father and now she was. I took Edward's hand, there was no way I could deny him now.

_I don't know how you do what you do I'm so in love with you It just keeps getting better I want to spend the rest of my life With you by my side Forever and ever Every little thing that you do Baby, I'm amazed by you _

Edward's voice sang along with the words as he stared down into my eyes, his emeralds penetrating me. My heart swelled with love and I loved him even more. His gaze was too much, the emotion to strong so I rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heart beating, I could hear his singing vibrate through his chest and I felt like I was home. His manly musk wrapped around me as his arms caged me and we moved gracefully across my parents kitchen floor right along with them. I closed my eyes focusing on Edward's voice and my mothers cheerful laugh.

It seemed that each moment with Edward was going to top the next and I couldn't help but hope that their would be more moments like this.

_The smell of your skin The taste of your kiss The way you whisper in the dark Your hair all around me Baby you surround me You touch every place in my heart Oh, it feels like the first time, every time I want to spend the whole night in your eyes Every little thing that you do I'm so in love with you It just keeps getting better I want to spend the rest of my life With you by my side Forever and ever Every little thing that you do Baby, I'm amazed by you _

"Baby, I am amazed by you." Edward finished the last line after the song ended and I looked up into his eyes hopeful. They didn't disappoint as they reflected back the beauty of this moment, the intense emotion. It was strange to feel something good and for a moment I pretended that those lyrics were a future story line for Edward and I. I pretended that I could amaze a man like Edward, I pretended that I was his and he was mine.

"Thank you." I whispered to him and he nodded smiling down at me.

"Oh Edward." My mother gushed coming over to us looking almost healthy with a slight blush coloring her cheeks. I moved out of the way as she pulled Edward in for a tight hug. "Thank you so much I have always wanted to dance to that song with Charlie and thanks to you it was beautiful and both our toes are still intact." She laughed pulling away from him and the look in his eyes, the care for my mother that showed made me love him more. I was recklessly in love with Edward and falling more for him by the moment.

"You're a good man Edward, thank you." My dad said patting Edward on the back and I smiled as I watched him shake my fathers hand. It was beautiful, magical.

My parents headed towards the living room to relax for a bit and I stood there staring at the most amazing man I had ever seen in my whole life. He was beautiful, he was caring, he was perfect. I wanted him so bad, I wanted him to love me and for me to just love him, but life wasn't that simple. Edward stood over me and reached up brushing a fallen tear from my cheek.

"You are so beautiful." He whispered as he leaned down to me, he was going to kiss me again. He paused just before reaching my lips as if asking for permission and I closed the distance. I didn't need to think about it, I wanted to feel his lips on mine, I wanted to take whatever he would give me. This kiss was gentle, loving, and longing, but just as great as our passionate kiss last night. Edward's tongue ran across my bottom lip and my mouth opened with a slight moan in response, our tongues danced together to the music in the background. Everything disappeared, I felt whole for the first time in nearly five years. The song that played tugged at my heart as Edward welded himself to me in a emotional way that can't be explained.

_There are objects of affectionThat can mesmerize the soulThere is always one addictionThat just cannot be controlledYou are mineYou are mineYou are mine, all mineYou are mine_

Edward spent the rest of the day with my parents and I. He kept us laughing and smiling the whole day, he was my addiction. My mother had a good day, my family had a good day and I had Edward to thank for that.

For a moment I felt like I could be loved, that maybe Edward could love me.

**A/N: I really enjoyed this chapter and I hope you did as well, as always let me know what you thought and review please. **

**Songs in this chapter:**

**Broken - Seether**

**Amazed - Lone Star**

**You are mine - Mute Math**

**Add me on Twitter for updates, teasers, & extra's. The link is on my profile page, just click my name. **

**Reviews make me smile like Edward's kisses warm Bella.**


	15. Chapter 15 Strength & Courage

**I do not own Twiligt Characters.**

**WARNING: There is a slightly disturbing insert about the events just before EJ's death & it maybe slightly uncomfortable. If it is something that will upset you to read you can jump over it. I will put an (*) at the beginning & end of it. **

_Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage. -- Lao Tzu _

**Chapter 15**

"**Strength and Courage"**

**Edward's POV**

All I wanted was for the Swan family to have pleasant memories, ones that would overshadow sadness and death. I wanted Bella to step away from all the pain, worry, and sorrow and enjoy her time with her mother. I didn't want there to be any regrets, I hoped that doing this for Bella would help her have closure when her mother passed. I hoped that Bella would have the strength to hold herself together and I would have the courage to comfort her.

I spent the first week of the New Year with the Swan's, Jacob was there a lot of the time, but he didn't give me any trouble. He just sat back and watched, I ignored him for the most part. Bella tried to include him, but he seemed content to just let us have all the fun. The more time I spent with Bella and her family, the more I fell in love with her. She wasn't completely at ease, she was still herself, well the self that I knew. The pain was always there lurking behind her beautiful eyes, but she was smiling and laughing. That meant more to me then she would ever know. Bella was a perfect mixture of her parents as far as I could tell, from Charlie she got selflessness, bravery, and her brown eyes. From Renee she got her spunk, her spark, and her small delicate hands. It made me wonder what little Ethan looked like even more. I wondered how much like Bella he looked? How much of Renee and Charlie he had in him and most of all I just wondered about him in general.

It was on January eighth that the happiness melted away, it was the day that their were no laughs in the Swan house. I went over around breakfast time like I had all week and Charlie let me in. He had warmed up to me quit a bit and even seemed to like me.

"Morning Charlie." I told him holding out a box of doughnuts. He just nodded his head and took them from me. I looked at him closer and could see the large bags under his eyes and the redness to them. It looked like it wasn't a good night, I stepped into the house and was relived to see that Renee was sitting up in the bed. She didn't look well, she was pale and she was shaking. I made my way to her bedside quickly.

"Renee how are you feeling?" I asked taking her hand in mine, it was clammy, her teeth chattered.

"Fine-e-e Ed-d-dward." She gave me a weak smile after stuttering through the words. I reached up and felt her forehead with the back of my hand, she was burning up. Fever was one of the final stages of brain cancer, your body is fighting so hard to fight off the disease that it makes you literally burn up.

"Can I get you anything?" I asked knowing that there wasn't much I could do for her, I just hoped I could make her comfortable. She didn't get a chance to answer, because a shrill scream rang out through the house. I nearly jumped out of my skin, I stood up to go to Bella, but Charlie's hand stopped me.

"Jake's got her." He tried to reassure me, but that only made me angry. Why was she screaming?

"What is he doing to her?" I asked disgusted, Charlie shook his head and I saw a little spark in his eyes.

"It's the nightmares, she gets them from time to time." He explained to me. "None of us got any sleep last night Jake is the only one that calms her most the time. Though last night was different, it was like nothing was working." Charlie's eyes were so sad and helpless.

"Charlie let Edward go, maybe he can help her." Renee struggled to get out. Charlie glanced at his wife, then released me. I stood for a moment deciding what I wanted to do, of course I wanted to go to her, but Jacob was up there so I wasn't sure if I should intrude. In the end I said to hell with it and climbed the stairs. Bella's door was cracked open slightly. I peeked in to see her curled into a ball and Jacob was rubbing her back.

"Bells why don't you try to take a shower or eat something, maybe it will help." Jacob told her in a calming voice. She didn't answer and I could see her body shaking from were I stood, I watched as she sat up and pulled her legs to her chest. She wrapped her arms around them and her whole body shook. Catching a glimpse of her face I could see so many emotions there, so strong, and so heart breaking. I couldn't stand on the sidelines any longer I tapped on the door, Jacob looked up, but Bella kept her eyes on her knees until I spoke.

"Morning." When her eyes meet mine my heart went from broken to crumbled, her eyes were so fearful and broken. I didn't think I just made my way into the room and pulled her into my arms. She clung to my chest and sobbed against me, I couldn't believe how bad she was shaking. "Shh, its ok." I soothed her. Jacob grunted and got up off the bed.

"I'll be downstairs." Neither of us answered him, I just rocked Bella back and forth. Any other time I would have been happy to have her in my arms, but now I was just worried. She was crying so hard, if this was all over nightmares, and a regular occurrence she needed some counseling.

"Bella." I said her name softly pleading with her to calm down, to stop crying. It hurt to see her this way, her breaths slowed down and her sobs stopped after a little bit, but her hands still shook. I had never seen hands shake like that, it was like she needed something. Craved something. I knew what her body thought it needed and she wasn't getting it, so I took another route. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" I asked in a quiet voice.

"Owl." She whispered her voice a little hoarse. I racked my brain trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about, but I was coming up blank so I just continued to rock her. Luckily she went on to explain so more, but honestly I was still a little lost. "The owl was on my window seal, it was staring at me and hooting."

"So it scared you?" She looked up at me and I wiped her tears off her cheeks, she shook her head.

"It warned me." For some reason a shiver ran down my spin the way she said that, it was so cryptic, but disturbing.

"Warned you about what?" I couldn't let it go, I was too confused.

"That death is upon us." She chocked the words out and her eyes filled with a fresh wave of tears. I pulled her to my chest and rocked her as my heart ached. It gave me an eerie feeling that chilled me to the bone. I am not sure how long I held Bella until she finally decided to take a shower, but I wished it was long enough to take her pain away. While she showered I made my way downstairs with her words on my mind, I still didn't completely understand, but I didn't need to. I could see Bella believed it and she might be right. Her mother was lucid and burning up, these were not good signs.

My mother arrived to visit with Renee for a bit just before Bella descended the stairs, she looked exhausted and sickly. I was sure her nerves were eating away at her. Today I had a surprise for them, I had been nervous about it, but now I hoped it would cheer Bella up. Renee had told me that she always loved live acoustic music so today I brought my guitar. I hadn't played it in awhile and I was nervous about playing in front of Bella.

Charlie had a fire going in the fire place, he was sitting on the bed next Renee his feet swung over the side. My mother next to them in a chair, Jacob had gone to the garage to get some work done, and Bella was silently sitting on the stone in front of the fire place staring at her mother. It was like she wanted to watch every last breath that her mother took, it was like if she took her eyes off her she would disappear. I had snuck out to get my guitar, they turned as I entered the room. Bella glanced at me and her eyes widened when they landed on the guitar.

"Are you going to play?" She sounded shocked and excited causing me to smiled at her.

"That's the plan." Her eyes lit up with anticipation. I sat down on a chair near her and across from Renee's bed. I winked at Renee as she smiled brightly at me, her eyes getting a little glossy.

"Oh Esme you have such a amazing compassionate son." Renee gushed shakily sitting up so she could get better view of me. I smiled at her and made sure my guitar was tuned. Bella was watching me intently.

"Now don't get your hopes up I may be a little rusty." I warned as I finished making sure it was perfectly in tune, I looked to Renee. I had asked Renee some of her favorite songs at the beginning of the week and learned a few of them that I didn't already know. I started the lyrics for On My Way Here.

_I took my first step On that black and white kitchen floor I sometimes wonder if that house Is even there anymore I had my first glimpse of love When I was five I watched two people split apart But still the three of us survived _

I watched Charlie and Renee stare into each others eyes as I sang the first part, then as I started the next part my eyes locked with Bella's.

_I've seen the best I've seen the worst I wouldn't change what I've been through I've touched the sky I've hit the wall But I did what I had to Ooooohhhh _

Renee was swaying slightly smiling while she listened to me play and she almost looked peaceful. My nerves had washed away seeing that they were enjoying my playing and my singing.

_On my way here Where I am now I've learned to fly I have to want to leave the ground I've fallen hard But I've been loved And in the end it all works out My faith has conquered fear On my way hereOh yeah yeaaah My address has changed Almost every year I've found that standing still Can quickly make a lifetime disappear I'd rather try and fail A thousand times denied At least whenever you feel pain It lets you know that you're alive _

I finished out the song and then looked up at Renee asking what she wanted to hear, she thought for a moment before asking me to play a song that made me smile. I glanced at Bella for a moment before concentrating on what I was doing.

_Come a little closer babyI feel like layin' you downOn a bed of sweet surrender Where we can work it all outThere ain't nothin' that love can't fixGirl it's right here at our finger tipsSo come a little closer babyI feel like layin' you downCome a little closer babyI feel like lettin' goOf everything that stands* between usAnd the love we used to knowI wanna touch you like a cleansing* rainAnd let it wash all the* hurt awaySo come a little closer babyI feel like lettin' goIf there's still a chance than take my handAnd we'll steal awayOff into the nightUntil we make things rightThe sun's gonna rise, on a better dayCome a little closer baby I feel like strippin' it downBack to the basics of you and me and what makes the world go roundEvery inch of you against my skinI wanna be stronger than we've ever beenSo come a little closer babyI feel like strippin' it downCome a little closer babyJust a little bit closer babyCome a little closer babyI feel like layin' you down_

It was truly a beautiful song and the whole time I played it I thought of Bella. I wanted to love her, I wanted to lay her down more then anything. Bella smiled shyly at me as I finished playing, her parents were kissing sweetly. My mom excused herself after a the next song and I played a few more until Renee and Charlie got lost looking into each others eyes. Bella stood up and walked over to me stroking my guitar as I laid it down next to me.

"You have a beautiful voice." I could hear the admiration through the pain in her voice.

"Thank you." She stood before me as beautiful as ever, her sad eyes staring into mine. I felt like she was looking into my soul, I saw her swallow hard, then advert her eyes, but not before I saw it. I saw what she was trying to hide, I saw the emotion plan as day. It was the most beautiful emotion I had ever seen in her eyes, it was love. Bella loved me. I wasn't sure if she knew that or not, but now I was certain I did. I stood up slowly and then gently moved her chin so that she was looking up at me. I reached forward with my other hand and brushed a straw hair off of her face, she closed her eyes tightly. I swallowed the excitement rising in me as I leaned forward and kissed her lips softly. It lasted no more then five seconds, but it was loaded with love. I loved Bella and she loved me. I couldn't stop there though so I placed another kiss on her forehead holding the back of her head in one hand and her hip in the other. I mouthed the words 'I love you" there knowing she wouldn't know what I said, but having to say it in some way. When I opened my eyes and pulled back I caught a single tear fall from the corner of her eye. I don't know how long we stood there staring at each other, but as I heard the bed shift a little I remembered that Charlie and Renee were in the room. Bella took a step away from me looking extremely embarrassed as her cheeks flushed. She mumbled something about starting lunch and taking off for the kitchen. I shyly glanced at Charlie and Renee, they both were staring at me. Charlie was warning me not to break her with his eyes, but there was a new softness in him. As if he could see the way I felt for his daughter, he kissed Renee's head and then headed into the kitchen after Bella.

Renee stared at me smiling, her cheeks full of color and her eyes sparkling. She patted the spot next to her on the bed as she sat up and scooted back. I made my way over slowly and took a seat on the edge of the bed, she reached over and rested her hand on my forearm. She cleared her throat and I looked up into her eyes.

"Thank you." Her voice, her eyes, and her soul spoke to me. I nodded unable to speak seeing the emotion in her eyes as they glossed over. "My daughter" she closed her eyes tightly as if to hold something in, then continued after a moment. "Her life has been rippled with pain, loss, and heartbreak. As a mother all I ever wanted for her was the world, all I wanted was to protect her, but it was impossible." She cleared her throat and I did the same to mine as the tears were trying to reach me. Her emotion taking its effect on me and my love for Bella. Bella's pain was my pain.

"She deserves to be happy, she doesn't think she does, but she does. When she was a little girl she was such a tomboy, she was so strong and loving. Still is. She used to be happy and carefree, she used to be nothing but smiles and laughter. Her and Jacob were quit the pair, there was never a dull moment with those two. The only pain we felt was the pain in our sides from laughing at them so hard. Now Bella is broken and Jacob can't fix her. He loves her, I know he does, but he helped when it was his time. It is someone else's time now. Jacob can't help her in the way she needs to be helped now, he has served his purpose in her life." Renee's eyes sparkled as she spoke of the girl Bella used to be, she pointed to the picture I looked at before. The picture of Bella and Jacob together. I reached up and got it for her she held it and tracked Bella's beaming face with her index finger. Tears rolled down her face as she thought back to happier times.

"Anyway what I am getting at is that I think you are the person to bring the old Bella back, maybe not the old Bella. But a happy Bella, a alive Bella. One that is among the living rather the dead. I can see that you love my daughter and she loves you. She is broken right now and she is only going to get worse before she gets better, but I think you're the one for her. I think you can help my daughter live again." Her words hit my heart and tears were threatening to fall, I was a man damn it why was she trying to make me cry.

"I don't know if I will be enough for her." I admitted something that I hadn't even let into my conscious thoughts. I was scared that no matter how hard I tried I would never be enough to fix Bella, enough to make her whole. Renee's hand tightened on my arm.

"You are I already see a light in her eyes that hasn't been there in years. There is a glow around her, you are enough. You will be surprised what love is capable of doing. I hate to be the sick old lady on her death bed asking for something, but can I ask you for something?" I looked into Renee's eyes and nodded. I could not deny the women who birthed Bella and who loves her unconditionally and who worries for someone other then herself when she is literally on her death bed.

"Anything." She smiled rubbing my arm as I patted her hand.

"Promise me that as long as you love her you will fight for her. Bella has always fought for everyone else, she needs someone to fight for her. But only as long as you love her, I don't want to make you promise something to me that isn't with the truest intentions." Her eyes were serious and hopeful.

"I promise. I will fight for her forever, I will never give up." I was surprised how strong my voice was, how strong the emotion was. I knew I loved Bella, but the promise of forever just showed me how deep that love ran. I looked down into the picture Renee held staring at Bella, I wanted to see that Bella or my own version of a happy Bella. I felt Renee's hold on my arm loosen and looked up to see her sound asleep. I took her hand off my arm and placed it on the bed, I removed the picture from her hand and placed it on the table next to her bed within reach. I wanted it to be next to her, because if I could choose on thing to be the last thing I ever saw it would be Bella's smile.

**Bella's POV**

The past week had been amazing, filled with laughter and almost happiness. There was only one person we could thank for this and that was Edward. For a week it almost felt like we were normal, we were happy, but it came to a crashing end on January eight. Just past midnight I was awoken to the sound of the owl hooting outside of my window, this was something I was getting used to, but still it chilled me to the bone. On this night it was louder and closer then ever before and I opened my eyes to see it staring through the window at me lighted by the moon. As my eyes meet it's a hoot resounded through my skin and a scream escaped me as I realized that death was upon us. My father assumed I was having dreams again, but every time that owl would hoot I would cry out in sorrow. My mother would die today and that thought scared the hell out of me.

Most say you never know when a person is going to die and as much as I want to believe that I can't. I feel like sometimes there are signs that can warn you and guide you. It is a matter of watching out for these signs. The owl in my window watching me and hooting at me was sure as hell a sign. Eventually the moon started to fall out of the sky and the owl flew away to hid away from the light of day. My eyes drifted closed, but once they did I saw things I didn't want to see.

*****

_I had a eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach, panic set in that something was horribly wrong. There was a horrid storm outside of my window, rain pounding down, wind blowing tree branches against the roof. Lightening and thunder shuddering through the house, it was so loud it woke me, but the house in itself was too silent. EJ hated storms they always made him fussy, but I didn't hear him crying. I had to swallow down the panic as I ran from my bed and into his room. Glancing over into his crib he looked pale, his breathing was extremely shallow, and not in the way that he was in a deep sleep. His finger tips were a strange bluish color as were his little toes. My heart pounded as I reached in and pulled him to my chest his eyes opened slightly, but they didn't focus on me. Sobs made their way to my chest as I took in the way his eyes rolled back in his head. I screamed for my parents as I wrapped him in a thick blanket and grabbed the diaper bag. Everything was a haze and I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I sprinted out to my car with Ethan clutched to my chest. I got into the back seat with him as my parents jumped into the front. I held him tight as we rushed to the hospital, I put his head to my heart and prayed to anyone who would listen. I couldn't lose him, I couldn't handle that. There had to be a miracle in the world for my perfect little son. _

_*****_

The screams that woke me from that dream were by far the worst it only made me more worrisome about the day ahead of us. The owl and then the dream of the moments leading up to EJ's death. It was all too much and I needed and craved for the thing that would make me numb. You would think that after being sober for some time you wouldn't crave it, but you do. Jacob appeared some time after that and I just laid in the bed shivering and shaking. I dozed off once again, but as my eyes closed more unpleasant things filled my unconsciousness.

_An owl. White powder. James. Jane. Felix. Demtri. A tiny casket. Then suddenly a room full of caskets and as I walked around the room I saw many faces. Renee, Charlie, Jacob, Billy, Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, and then the last one was painful enough to wake me from a dead sleep, Edward. _

Jacob was there trying to calm me, which usually helped, but not anymore. There was only one person that would calm me now and I had no right to want that from him. I was too broken for him, but suddenly his voice filled the room. My eyes snapped up to meet his and I felt my heart ache, but in a good way. A loving way.

Edward was there and he comforted me. Then he played and sang to us, it was the most beautiful thing. He was amazing, he sounded better then the people who actually sang the songs. At some points I felt like he was singing from his soul and to me. Then the small intimate moment we shared before my parents was almost too much, there was too much electricity and love flowing from it. I had to hide away in the kitchen, my father joined me shortly. He just watched me as I hurried around the kitchen, he didn't say anything, but I could feel his eyes on me.

I scurried around the kitchen trying to make my moms secret spaghetti, it was her favorite and I wanted to make it for her. I had to keep busy and this was a busy recipe. I got so lost within myself as I cooked adding all the strange ingredients that my mother insisted go into spaghetti, but I am sure she was the only one who put this stuff in it.

_Meatballs_

_Sauce_

_Tomato's_

_Onions_

_Bell peppers_

_Garlic_

_Corn_

_Potato wedges_

_Cheese (lots of it)_

_Ranch dressing_

_Small apple chunks (red apples)_

"Need a hand?" Edward's voice startled me and the apple in my hands slipped through towards the floor. His hand swiftly reached out and caught it before it reached the floor. He smiled at me and sat it on the counter.

"Thanks." I mumbled sighing and starting to cut the apple up. I looked behind me and saw my father was gone as I turned back to the task at hand Edward's eyes caught my own. They shined at me, there was a slight wetness to them as if he had been on the verge of crying, the rim slightly red. I instinctively reached up with my free hand and stroked under his eye. My stomach felt light and my heart speed up. Edward was a work of art, his beauty beyond this world. I wasn't sure what he was doing in my life, but I hoped he stayed forever. I hoped that something about me could hold him, as a friend or whatever. I just wanted him forever, because somehow my love in him was giving me strength and courage. Two things that I could never get enough of.

After a moment I broke out of our trance and got back to cooking, Edward watched me curiously.

"What are you making?" He asked when I put the apple chunks in the sauce.

"Spaghetti." I told him smiling just a little, because I knew he was going to freak about me putting apples in it. He laughed shaking his head.

"Um Bella I don't think ghetti has apples in it or corn for that matter." He peeked over into the pan. I tried to ignore the pain of hearing him call it that, because it sounded too much like what a certain two year old would call it.

"Renee Swan's recipe calls for both so in this case it does." He smiled at me and grimaced a little looking at the different foods combined in the sauce.

"It is actually pretty good." I had been exposed to many of Renee's creative recipes and trust me her spaghetti was one of the better ones, that much is for sure. "Its my moms favorite."

He nodded in understanding and I was surprised when I felt him embrace me from behind wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing the top of my head. It was strange feeling those slight sensual moments of affection. After a moment he released me and walked over to look out into the backyard I stood there thinking about things that I had never thought of. I was thinking about what it would feel like to be held tight in Edward's arms as he whispered he loved me. I thought about what it would feel like for him to run his hands along my pale skin. I felt my chest warm with thoughts of being loved by Edward and having a future with him. I wasn't worthy and I didn't deserve it, but thinking about it gave me a slight hope I didn't have before. This was in my bubble that I found myself gravitating towards a future with him, a personal bubble with Edward. This bubble got burst and punctured by the harsh realities of the world all to easy.

Edward had left the kitchen to go into the living room as I finished up the pasta I put some on a plate for my mother. I also made the French bread she loves to dip in it. I smiled to myself proud that it tasted exactly like when my mom made it. She had a amazing week and I was going to end it with her favorite meal. There was a slight smile on my face as I entered the living, but that changed quickly.

Everything happened all at once it was strange and I couldn't fully comprehend everything.

"Renee honey." My father yelled in a stressed tone.

Edward was on his cell phone talking quickly into it.

My mother convulsed and turned red in the face.

Glass shattered.

Noodles and Sauce flew.

The room blurred.

My head spun.

My heart shattered.

**A little corny with the apple, I know, but I couldn't resist. The next chapter will be pretty intense, we will grieve with Bella, not only for her mother, but with flash backs of EJ. I know that little part about EJ was super sad and I am sorry, it was hard for me to write, but I feel it was important for understanding Bella's emotional pain. **

**Please don't hate me & please leave me some love. I want to know what you felt & what you thought of the chapter.**

**Laura**


	16. Chapter 16 Celebration of Renee Swan's l

**Warning Emotional Content, Rated M, Characters belong to SM.**

_Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.-- Author Unknown_

**Chapter 16**

"**Celebration of Life"**

**Edward's POV**

Death is a part of life, you can't have one without the other. I watched as Bella hugged and nodded to the people who crowded her parents small home. Renee had passed away last night after we took her to the hospital, her brain become overrun with cancer and caused her to have seizers. Once at the hospital they sedated her to make her as comfortable as possible, she passed at 11:35 on January eighth. Charlie and Bella held each other close as they said their goodbyes to Renee's cold body, it broke me to see Bella so distraught. It took everything I had to leave Bella's side when we returned to the house, but I knew it would be respectful to give her and her father time to themselves to morn, but I was back at their house first thing in the morning.

Along with myself half the town had shown up, bringing food and whatever else they could think of. Charlie sat silently in the living room, Jacob and I had moved the bed out and put the couch back in its spot to make it more comfortable. Also so Charlie wouldn't have to do it. From what I could tell Jacob and I had found an alliance with one another, between the two of us we were doing our best to take care of Bella and Charlie. They both were being very strong, but I knew it was only a matter of time. Right now the shock was still present, it would all set in soon and when it did I wanted to be here for them. My family was among the many in the room offering to do anything that needed to be done, but Renee had everything planned out. Everything was taken care of and tomorrow we would celebrate the life of Renee Swan.

After the viewing they all decided to come back here and I thought Bella and Charlie would never get any time to morn before the funeral, which I wasn't sure if that was a positive or negative thing. How long could they hold it together for?

Bella quietly sat in front of me on the stairs staring over into the room at all of the people mingling and watching Charlie and Bella with weary eyes. She let out a heavy sigh and I studied the side of her face trying to see if she was alright, she was holding herself together better then I had expected. Her shoulders were tense and I could see the numbness her eyes held. She was blocking it all out, Bella was here in body, but not in mind. She was fighting off the emotions until she was away from all the curious eyes on her. I moved so she was between my legs and started messaging her shoulders, she leaned into my touch relaxing. I whispered into her ear.

"You are doing great, I am here. I will be hear as long as you need." I promised her, she sighed and reached up putting her hands over mine.

"Thanks." Her voice was shaky, but overall strong.

"Your more then welcome."

We sat in silence as I rubbed Bella's shoulders and after a little bit her body weight leaned back against my lap and I noticed that she had fallen asleep. I was sure that she hadn't had any sleep in two nights, with her nightmares the night before, and then her mothers passing last night. I cradled her into my arms and carried her up to her room placing her gently on her bed. She clanged to my shirt tightly and didn't let go. I wasn't sure what to do so I just laid down beside her and she cuddled herself to me, her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her enjoying the feel of her against me and acting as if my arms were a protective barrier around her. I must of dozed off, because the next thing I recalled was opening my eyes to see Alice standing over us smiling.

"What are you doing?" I whispered moving Bella off of me and glaring at my sister in law.

"You two look so adorable together." She gushed. I tried to roll my eyes as if I didn't care, but I looked down at Bella's sleeping form and I couldn't control the smile on my face. Alice chuckled drawing my attention back to her. "Well don't let me interrupt I was just bring some cloths for tomorrow for Bella and you, I figured the last thing she needs to worry about is what to wear." Alice always thinking of cloths, but she was right it was one less thing for Bella to worry about. I was also thankful that she brought me some, because I planned on staying the night.

"Thanks Alice." I smiled at her and waited for her to leave before I sat down next to Bella. I brushed the hair out of her face and watched her as she slept. She was truly the most beautiful person I had ever seen, every part of her was perfection. In her sleep she looked so innocent and pure, untouched by the horrors of the world, but I knew that wasn't the case. Bella had experienced more pain then anyone person should. I sighed wishing there was a way to take it all from her, she turned over and talking in her sleep.

"Edward." She mumbled and my heart exploded with warmth, she was dreaming of me. I don't know how long I sat there watching her sleep, but I knew that I could never grow tired of it. I heard the door creak behind me and turned to see Charlie standing in the doorway. His arms were crossed and their were tears floating in his chocolate eyes, the eyes that he gave Bella. Today the resemblance in their eyes was more then ever, the same brown, the same pain, and the tears. They were almost identical.

"She says your name a lot." He whispered stepping into the room and taking a seat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room. I stared at him surprised. "I come in here and watch her sleep from time to time. When she sleeps it is like she is a little girl again and I can protect her from everything bad in the world." He paused and shook his head. "Well on nights when she doesn't have nightmares it seems as if she is a little girl."

I wasn't sure what to say so I stayed quiet and stared at the beautiful broken girl that held my heart in her hands. It was hers forever and I never wanted it back.

"I know I was a little hard on you, but I just want you to know I am only trying to protect her. She can't handle much more hurt, neither one of us can. She is all I have left now, so I want you to think long and hard tonight about everything, because I don't want you here unless it is for the long haul." He was stern, but I could also see the fear playing in his eyes.

"I will never hurt her." I promised and he shook his head.

"You can't promise that. Trust me that is a promise you can't keep, I made that same promise over twenty five years ago to her mother and I failed many times."

"I don't ever want to hurt her and I will do everything in my power not to." I revised, because he was right that wasn't a promise I could guarantee, but I sure as hell could try. He nodded in understanding and stood slowly.

"Thank you. This week was." He paused getting a little chocked up, I nodded to him letting him know he didn't have to finish. He gave me a small smile and gave one more glance at Bella's sleeping form before heading out of the room. I took a deep breath and looked back at Bella, she was still sound asleep. I leaned over and kissed her head before getting up and leaving the room, the night had started to settle in and I needed to be getting some sleep soon. The downstairs had grown silent and I was surprised to see all the guest had left. Jacob sat alone in the living room, in the dark staring down at a picture in his wallet. I sunk down on the couch next to him and he closed the picture quickly. I caught a glimpse of brown hair, but nothing more then that. I looked up at his face and saw a tear fall from his eye just as he wiped it away. A awkward silence followed and I regretted taking the seat next to him.

Jacob cleared his throat and stood shoving the wallet into his back pocket. I watched as he went into a corner closet and pulled out two blankets and two pillows, he threw one of each on the floor and pointed at it. I shook my head chuckling, but got off the couch and made my way over to a chair near the pallet he made me. He silently made his bed on the couch and laid down once his shoes and shirt were off. I slipped my shoes off and pulled the blanket and pillow up into the chair with me. No way was I sleeping on the floor, but I wasn't going home either. I was out before I could even think about it.

Screams ripped through the house and I opened my eyes to see Jacob sitting up slowly rubbing his face, it took me a moment to realize what was happening. I was at the Swan's and Bella must have been having a nightmare.

"You want to go or you want me to?" Jacob asked his voice thick with sleep.

"I will go." I said getting up and heading for the stairs, I stopped short at the top when I saw that the room next to Bella's was open. I could hear her in there, I slowly made my way over to it. I had never seen anyone go into that room and I had never asked what was in it. As I peered inside my heart sunk to the floor and I felt like I was going to be sick.

The walls in the room were painted a light baby blue, there was a white crib pressed up against the back wall. A race car mobile hanging over it, the name Ethan spelled out on the wall above the crib in black and white checked wood letters. Hanging over the side of the crib was a checkered flag blanket. There was a race track rug on the floor and two race cars sat there as if a child had gotten up from playing with them moments ago. Next to the crib was a changing table stocked with diapers and blankets under it on the shelves. Then in the other corner of the room was a big comfy rocking arm chair, in it Bella was curled up clutching a blanket crying softly. In two short strides I was at her side picking her up and sitting down in the chair with her in my lap. She was crying so I rocked her back and forth to sooth her, she held me close wetting my shirt with her tears.

"It hurts so much." Her voice was broken and distorted.

"I know, I am here. I wish I could take it all away from you." I kissed her head and closed my eyes tight wishing that she didn't have to feel this pain that she didn't have to live this life.

Looking around the room made me realize just how broken this family was, it had been three years since they lost Ethan, but still his room remand exactly the same. There was no closure, at first glance one would think the room was still occupied, but by closer look it was evident by the dust settled on everything and the stuffy feel that this was not the case. There were pictures on the walls and I squinted in the dark room to see what they were, the moon offered some light so I could make them out. One was a collage in the middle was a picture of a very pregnant Bella, she had her hands on her belly and she was looking down at it smiling. She looked amazing and happy, so happy. The pictures surrounding it were smaller one of just her belly and four hands on it, two had wedding rings, one was pale, and one dark. I made them out to be Charlie, Renee, Bella, and Jacob's hands. I felt a twinge of jealousy that they got to touch a pregnant, happy Bella. The others were of a newborn baby wrapped in blue, each one of them holding him in what looked like the hospital. I couldn't make out much of the babies face. As my eyes moved along the wall I made out four pictures in matching frames arranged in a stair style assembly. One was of a beautiful baby boy he was tiny on his belly sleeping, he had a thin layer of brown hair atop his head. The second picture was of Ethan standing next to a big 1 smiling and his brown eyes shining. The third of Ethan standing next to a big 2, and the last one was of Bella and Ethan together, he was in her lap looking up at her with love and admiration, she was smiling looking at the camera. It was a beautiful picture, but unlike the one of Bella pregnant in this one I could see the worry and fear in her eyes. Everyday was one day closer to her losing him and she walked around with that every second of the day. Bella was limp in my arms as I felt a tear fall from my eye, I held her tight as my heart shattered for her. I could feel sobs building up in me, sobs for the pain she was in and for the fact that after three years she hadn't even started to move on.

"What am I going to do with you?" I sighed wiping the tears from my face. I had to find a way to help her gain closure and move on, she needed to live, she needed to know that it was ok to keep living. I needed her to live, because she was my life. I put Bella in her bed and tucked her in, I debated outside of Ethan's room for a moment before I just shut the door and continued back down to my spot in the chair. Jacob was snoring loud on the couch and as I tried to fall asleep it was a lost cause. There was too much on my mind, to many worries and concerns.

The next morning it was quiet and eerie in the house as everyone got ready for the funeral in silence. Bella had held up in her room and didn't invite anyone in when they knocked, I was afraid she wasn't even going to come out for the funeral, but when it was time to head out she emerged. She was wearing a black dress that hung to right above her knee, a white knit jacket pulled over her shoulders, her hair was hanging down past her shoulders and her eyes were on the floor. She wasn't crying, but her eyes were red from her shed tears the night before. She glanced up as she made her way to the door and she blushed when our eyes meet. I assumed she was embarrassed about last night so I gave her a reassuring smile and pulled her into my embrace. She only let me hold her for a moment until she pulled back giving me a weak smile, she didn't have to say anything I could see that having contact like that right now was going to break her walls down. And she needed to be strong. I put my hand on her lower back wanting to touch her in some way, letting her know I was here for her. I drove Charlie, Bella, Billy, and Jacob to the church in Emmett's Escalade so that they wouldn't have to worry with driving. Charlie sat in the passenger seat, Jacob behind him, Billy behind me, and Bella in the very back. In the rearview mirror I could see her arms wrapped around herself and she stared emotionless out the window as the rain poured down onto the windows. She looked so lost and broken, but strong and brave.

The entire funeral was beautiful and very Renee, she had it colorfully planned out. The music was more upbeat then sad and mope, which made Bella's lips twist just little here and there. Like when they played Free Bird, it was like Bella was thinking of a pleasant memory. Though when the speakers started making there way up to say a few kind words about Renee, I saw Bella go rigid as they spoke of her mother, then to push her father Charlie started crying rather loudly. Bella's hands were shaking and I could see it was taking everything in her to not to break down. My heart was breaking into a million pieces seeing someone as strong as Charlie crying, seeing the women I love on the edge, and then my mother. My kind hearted loving mother was crying for the loss of her best friend, it was all hard to take in. I wasn't sitting next to Bella and that was driving me wild, I wanted to take her hands in mine and stop the uncontrollable shaking. I needed to hold her in my arms, because in this moment I felt like I might cry. I hadn't known Renee very long, but in just the last week the whole Swan family had touched my soul. I understood why the church was packed to the max, every seat was filled, people were even standing along the walls. Renee was very loved and the entire community had made an appearance. My father was one of the last to go up and speak, I slid over and put my arms around my mothers shoulders as she cried on my chest. She lifted her head to listen to my father.

"As many of know my family is still fairly new to the community, but from the moment we arrived the Swan family has welcomed us with open arms. Charlie, Renee, and Bella all touched our hearts and we welcomed them into the family. Renee was the type of women who would face anything head on, she was brave. She didn't dwell on the negative, but rather looked for the positive in life. She had a spirit about her that couldn't be broken, she had a light that shinned brightly. She loved her husband as only a wife could and she loved her daughter as only a mother could. She had love and kindness for everyone she meet, I don't Renee knew a stranger or had an enemy." I risked a glance at Bella she had her arms wrapped tightly around her and Jacob was rubbing her back, she was hunched over her hair making a curtain blocking me from her face.

"Renee was a women of many words, she could talk a man up and down, but everything she said had a beauty to it a kindness." I thought about my promise I made to Renee, even in death she was only thinking of others. My father continued saying only wonderful and charming things about Bella' s mother and after he finished the preacher followed up with a quick prayer and then it was time to do the last viewing of Renee's vessel before heading to the grave yard. As everyone stood up and went one by one to say there final goodbyes I watched Bella walk the opposite direction, everyone's eyes were on her. She walked slowly towards the exit, my father joined us and I quickly asked him with my eyes if they would be alright without me.

"She needs you son." He patted my shoulder and I quickly made my way towards the exit, Bella was standing against the wall her arms tightly across her chest and her eyes closed as her face was pointed to the sky rain pelting down on her. I reached her and pulled her into my arms.

"Your going to get sick." It wasn't relevant at the moment, but it was the first thing that came out and she held me tighter. I kissed her head wishing the pain away, that was all I could do, this was all I could do, hold her.

We went our separate ways once it was time to head to the grave site she road in the family limo with her father and the Black's. I followed the long precession all alone praying that I could find a way to help Bella through this, hoping that I could keep my promise to Renee. I had a feeling this would be the hardest part since the grave yard was the same one that Ethan was buried in and I figured this would be difficult for Bella, so I made my way through the crowd quickly when I arrived. I scanned the crowd looking for my love, I could see Jacob, Charlie, and Billy, but Bella was nowhere in sight. I made my way to Jacob quickly.

"Where is she?" He turned to me with sad eyes, tears matting at the corners. He nodded towards the dark limo.

"She refuses to get out." I swallowed the lump in my throat and made my way over to the limo and slid in quickly, she was curled into a ball on the leather seats. I sat next to her head and stroked her hair. She sighed as my fingers meet her skin. We stayed like this, she wasn't crying or moving, just a steady rise and fall of her chest. Once the graveside part was completed I helped Bella to my car where Charlie and the Black's meet us. I drove them home in silence, Charlie was the picture of a broken man. He couldn't even look at any of us, his cheeks were stained with tears, it was like everything he had was gone. I glanced back at Bella she was staring forward her eyes emotionless, she looked numb.

_How am I going to help her?_

"What the hell is he doing here?" Jacob's voice was full of hate and rage, my eyes shot up and scanned the surroundings. We were back at the Swan's house and I had no idea who the hell he was talking about. My eyes landed on a black Buick parked across the street from the house, there was a guy leaning against it with his arms and legs crossed. He had dark hair and a large build reminding me of Emmett. The only reason I assumed this was who Jacob was talking about was, because they were all looking in that direction and he was the only person over there.

"When it rains it fucking pours." Bella's voice was raspy and full of fear. I glanced back at her and her eyes were stuck on the guy across the street. Jacob was unbuckling and going for the door handle he was shaking with rage, I had a feeling who ever this was it wasn't someone I would like. I turned the car off completely confused, Bella scurried out of the car after Jacob.

"Shit." Charlie sighed his face turning red with anger, I jumped out after them.

"Jake please." Bella was pleading and running to catch up with him. He stopped and they stood in the middle of the road, Bella's hand on Jake's chest looking into his eyes. "Please I can't take much more right now." She pleaded and I stood next to Jake reaching for Bella trying to get her out of the street, there wasn't much traffic, but I had this horrible feeling that danger was near. Whether it was her standing in the street or the strange vaguely familiar man that Jake was set on murdering I wasn't sure.

"What's wrong Jake-y boy not happy to see me?" We all three turned to look at the guy as he pushed off his car and made a step towards us.

"Just leave." Bella pleaded her voice so small and broken. I stepped forward and put a hand on her shoulder trying to make sure she stayed up right. He looked down into her eyes and frowned.

"Don't you miss me Bella." She started shaking her head back and forth and backing away from him, she became flesh against my chest, her back to me. When I wrapped my arms around her she turned and hide in my chest, I was confused, but I could feel Bella's fear so I knew this guy wasn't someone she wanted around.

"It is time for you to leave." My voice was leveled and full of force, his eyes snapped to mine and then to Bella and back to me. A large smirk launched across his face, but before he could say anything his eyes glanced behind me I saw them widen.

"Get the fuck off my property." Charlie's voice was full of authority, I turned to look at him. He was stalking towards us large riffle in hand, his face beet red, his hands shaking.

_He fucking snapped. _

"You going to shut me Chief?" The man asked with a dark chuckle. Charlie raised the gun and pointed it at him, Bella looked up for my chest and shirked horrified when she saw her father pointing the riffle at the guy.

"Charlie put the gun down." Oh thank God Carlisle, if anyone could rectify this it was him.

"Not till this punk gets out of my sight and away from my daughter." Charlie didn't lower the gun he put his hand on the trigger.

"Dad please." Bella pleaded. His eyes snapped to hers for a split second and he lowered the gun slowly. Bella turned to look at the dark haired man that was causing all the trouble. "Demetri please just leave."

The name struck a cord with me, I recalled the conversation I had with Bella so long ago, after she woke having nightmares at my parents house.

"_After Dem and I became intimate." She cringed at the word-as did I- and her voice was shaking. "It wasn't magical or special, it was actually the opposite. Then it seemed like I couldn't do anything right, he started," she paused looking for something on my face, I controlled the anger that seemed to be rising in me again. "knocking me around, putting me in my place." _

"_He hit you." _

As the memory flashed before me the anger that I felt then came with it, but in ten fold. He had harmed the girl I loved, he had taken her virginity and then beat her. My hands were shaking and suddenly I felt someone holding me back. All I could see was red.

"Whoa what has gotten into you?" It was Emmett. Demetri was laughing as he backed away and got into his car.

"See you soon Bella." His voice was sadistic and sickening. I felt a small hand on my chest and looked down to see Bella looking up at me.

We just stood there staring at each other, she was obviously shocked by my sudden fit of rage, but I think she realized in that moment just how much I cared for her. Then it was like everything finally broke her wall down and she turned and ran for the house. We all stood frozen and quiet, in the middle of the road. A crowd had gathered around us and everyone was staring at Charlie in shook, Billy now had his rifle. Charlie was shaking his head in horror.

"A man can't even lay his wife to rest in peace." He walked towards the house slowly, his steps heavy. I felt frozen in place, at a complete loss as to what to do. I wanted to murder Demetri, but I wanted to go after Bella, and then there was a part of me that wanted to just get out. To run from all of this insanity. The day had been an emotional rollercoaster of exceptional proportions.

"Who the hell was that guy?" Emmett asked perplexed. _Another piece of the puzzle. The man I want to murder with my bare hands. The man who put his hands on my Bella. _

"Demetri." Jacob grumbled heading towards the house kicking rocks on his way. I was still frozen trying to control the murderous rage and sadness running through me.

"Well that explains everything." Emmett sighed and I heard his footsteps as he walked away. I closed my eyes trying reign in all the emotions coursing through me.

"Son are you alright." I felt Carlisle's hand on my arm and looked up into his concerned eyes. I nodded.

"I am going for a walk." With that I headed down the road needing to cool down and be alone with my thoughts. I had no idea how Bella made it through each and every day, I was spent from all the emotions. If it was my life I probably wouldn't even get out of bed. I mean seriously the drama just keeps coming in waves, what is it about this girl. She is like a magnet to heartbreak, drama, trouble and pain.

I had no idea how long I walked for, but soon a car pulled up next to me. I looked up to see it was Jacob in his Rabbit, he motioned for me to get in. I sighed and slipped into the warm car. I hadn't even realized how cold and numb I was until the heat hit me like a million needles.

He was silent for a moment and I wondered if he had come to fetch me or if he just so happen to pass me.

"Where's your head at?" He asked his hands tight on the steering wheel as we sped down the road. I looked over at him annoyed.

"What's it to you?" As soon as the words were out of my mouth I was thrown into the windshield as Jacob slammed on the breaks, he glared over at me.

"WHAT IS IT TO ME?" He yelled making me cringe, I hadn't meant to say that, my anger was still flaring. "It is everything to me, because Bella is everything to me. She is crushed, broken, and fading away in front of my eyes. I am not what she needs anymore, she needs you and I need to know if you are still going to be there? If you are running or staying? If you are I don't know what to do, but you need to decide now. There is no going forward either you are in this for good or you are out. Just so you know if you are out I am kicking your ass and if your in I will be watching your ass." His anger was over the top and everything he was saying was true, but I knew there was no way I could be without Bella, she was my life now.

"I am in Jacob, I love her." I looked into his dark tired eyes forcing the truth of my words on him. We sat like that for a moment, then he finally continued on down the road.

"I don't want her alone, especially not with Demetri in town. Who knows what that sick fucker is doing here?"

"I agree." My anger rising again at the mention of Bella's ex.

"I can't believe he would show his face after all this time." I wasn't sure if Jacob was talking to me or himself so I stayed quiet. "All he has ever done is hurt her, break her. Even the one thing in the world that he gave her to live for turned out breaking her. I wish Charlie would of just shot him, that would of made this day bearable."

Jacob's words were cryptic, but they kept passing through my mind showing meaning.

_Even the one thing in the world that he gave her to live for turned out to break her?_

I wanted to ask him what that meant, what I didn't know, but I knew he wasn't the person to hear it from. Plus we were back at the house, Jacob reached for a paper sack in the back seat, I arched an eyebrow at him.

"Charlie needs a drink." I swallowed hard thinking how irresponsible it was to bring alcohol into a house with an ex alcoholic, but if Charlie needed a drink he sure as hell deserved it after the day he had.

As we entered the house I was happy to see that most of the towns people had left and it was only a intimate small group left. My father, mother, Charlie, Billy, and another couple that I didn't know sat around the living room talking. I could tell by the glimmer in Charlie's eye that he had already had a drink or two, Bella was nowhere in sight. I took a seat next to my mother, her eyes were red from crying and her nose running slightly. Jacob pulled out a bottle of whisky and poured a glass for his dad, Charlie, and himself.

"Harry, Sue, this is our son Edward.' My father quickly introduced me to the other couple.

"Nice to meet you." My voice was distant and strange even to me, all I wanted was to check on Bella, but I figured she needed a bit of time to herself. As I sat there I watched as Charlie got drunker and drunker, becoming more talkative, reminiscing about his wife and the old Bella.

"Renee hated that I raced and when we had a daughter she was so excited, because she said she didn't have to have another racer in the family." He chuckled thinking back, we all sat listening to him silently.

"Though Bella being Bella she shocked the hell out of all of us and was the best racer in the family. She had a need for speed her whole life. Renee had her a month early Bella was so fast coming out, she walked only weeks after starting to crawl. She ran around the house like a speeding bullet, of course she was clumsy as hell, but she still ran. Renee tried putting her in dresses and gave her baby dolls, but the girl was a lost cause." I liked hearing about a younger Bella, I saw a lot of what Charlie was saying still in her. It gave me hope that the real Bella was still in there somewhere.

"Renee was always a free spirit, one to just go with the wind. Having Bella tamed her, well sort of." He chuckled thinking about his wife's better days, the alcohol seemed to relax and warm him. "Bella is just like her mother, free, kind, brave, and fearless. Renee was happy, that is something I can always hold with me. Bella made her proud and happy."

My mother reached across and rubbed Charlie's arm.

"You made her proud and happy too Charlie." He smiled up at my mother and nodded.

"I tried."

Something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye and around the corner near the stairs I saw Bella's silhouette as she leaned against the wall and fell to the floor, she had heard him talking. I excused myself and made my way over to her quickly, she was shaking as sobs rocked through her. I knelt down and pulled her into my arms.

"Awe Bella." I sighed holding her tight as she cried against me, I lifted her and headed up the stairs with her. Once in her room I sat on her bed holding her tight and rocking her back and forth like a small child, she cried against me and she broke. Everything broke free, her voice was weak, but she was letting it all out.

"How could she be proud of me? I was a complete failure as a daughter. I ruined all of our lives, I made everything painful for us. We were a happy and normal family until I had to get away. The decision to leave this family is what made us all fall like a chain reaction. I had to defy them and go away, I had to have a life of my own. I had to meet Jane and Dem, I had to fall in love with him. Or at least thought I was in love with him." My heart ached at the word love coming after someone else's name, even if she didn't love him, she had thought she did. What if she thought she loved me, but turned out not to?

_This isn't about you, focus._

"I let him have me body and soul, then I let him tear me apart. I was stubborn and fell into his darkness, I was naïve and so stubborn. I drowned myself in alcohol, letting it take me over. I dipped my feet into drugs here and there, but only pills at the time. Then I go and get pregnant, breaking my mothers heart. Unmarried twenty year old having a baby by a guy that told her to just kill the thing." She sobbed harder and I held her tighter, I wanted to tell her none of this was her fault. That she was amazing, but I knew she wouldn't believe me. I just needed to let her get it all out.

"They gave me a chance and let me come home, because they loved me. Then I give them this hope, this joy, and love for their grandson. I let them think that we could live this perfect life again, but then suddenly the carpet is ripped out from under us again. They used all there money and time to help me take EJ from doctor to doctor, they took out a second mortgage, they stood by me. Then I couldn't save him and it broke us all, I broke us all." Her voice was barely audible, and for the first time I realized how much Bella blamed herself for all of this, but she wasn't finished.

"We were all broken, but I didn't care that they were hurting all I cared about was me. I am a selfish horrible daughter. I pushed them farther by selfishly getting pulled into the world of drugs and getting addicted. I wanted to die, I just wanted it all to end. I hoped I would OD, that I could end it all. It would of killed my parents, but I didn't care. I didn't even think about them." She paused sobbing and my heart was aching, my head pounding with all the information. I couldn't imagine not meeting Bella, not loving her. No matter how broken she was, I wouldn't of ever not wanted to know her.

Bella had just gave me a summary of her life and I sat stupefied not even knowing where to begin. She did not see herself clearly at all, didn't she see how none of this was her fault?

"It shouldn't of been Ethan or my mom, it should have been me. Why not me?" Her words were broken detached and tears filled my eyes. I found her face and framed it with my hands making her look at me. Her eyes were drowning in tears, pain so immense I couldn't even comprehend.

"Don't ever say that. I don't ever want to hear you say that. I need you here, I need you to exist. You are my life now, please don't give up. I love you so much Bella." I pleaded with her tears rolling down my cheeks. I was crying, me, Edward Cullen.

"I will ruin you too."

My heart clutched and crumbled to pieces.

**A/N: (PLEASE READ) **

***hiding under the table* Emotional I know, it broke my heart to write it. Seriously. Thanks for hanging in there and for reviewing it means a tone. [I have something below that I need your opinion on, please.]**

**Ok I have been thinking about writing an outtake of Bella's POV for Ethan's funeral. It wouldn't be a part of the story just an extra, if it is something you would be interested in let me know. I may just write it for myself and send it to a few people who want to read it, but if a good number of people want to read it, I will post it. **

**PS review & follow me on Twitter please : )**

**http://twitter(dot)com/Lauraryn**


	17. Chapter 17 Shoulder to lean on, Fist to

**Chapter 17**

"**A Shoulder to cry on, Fist to rely on"**

**Bella's POV**

A million bee stings. Kicked by a horse. Sat on by a five hundred pound man. Hit in the head with a baseball. Tripping down a flight of stairs.

All these things would feel better then the way my head was pounding against my skull. I wasn't sure how long I had been asleep, but I could tell it was either not long at all or a really long time. There was no in-between, because the throbbing was extreme. It was from either being extremely exhausted or over sleep. Either way I didn't want to open my eyes, because I knew that reality was most likely just as painful. The past few days, hell the past few years were lost upon me while I slept and the last thing I wanted to do was wake up and face them. I had nothing to hold me together at this point and I was afraid I would get lost, lost in a sea of darkness. I had been down that road and I knew it was only a matter of time before the monster took a hold of me drug me back down again. Yeah, opening my eyes was a very bad thing, a painful thing. I thought there was nothing to hold me, but that just didn't seem right, I could feel a hold. I could feel the warm and fuzzy feeling that only Edward could bring. I could almost see his intense green eyes telling me that I did have something to hold onto, but he wasn't mine and I didn't know how long I would have him.

All of it was very confusing even in my own head and if anyone could see inside my mind I would be locked in a padded room. Straight jacket in place and pills in muh belly. I felt like I had a personality disorder or something, going from nothing to something and back to nothing. I was beginning to get major whiplash.

"Bella." The velvety voice practically sung to me.

I was going crazy I could even hear his voice as if he were sitting next to me. I closed my eyes tighter not wanting to lose him or the peaceful calm that he brought to me.

"Edward." I whispered snuggling into the blanket even further, my voice was hoarse with sleep and sounded horrid. A moment passed before he spoke again and I was worried that he had already disappeared.

"What are you doing?" I could hear the hint of a smile in his voice.

"Trying to hold onto you and myself." I whispered feeling a smile pull at me, yes I was for sure crazy.

"Well that is your blanket not me and I think you should really get up and eat, perhaps you are delusional." His words made my head slosh a little and as I took in their meaning my face caught on fire. I wasn't crazy or hearing things, Edward was really here, how freaking embarrassing. I opened one eye at a time slowly, the light making me wince. Edwards smiled down at me, his emeralds cautious. I gave him a weak smile and his eyes softened.

"I thought I was asleep." I mumbled lamely and he chuckled.

"Does this mean you dream about me?" He reached over and brushed the hair out of my face as he spoke. "I love your blush and it totally gives you away."

I felt my mouth hang open a little, because he used the word love in a sentence when speaking about me. I loved Edward, I knew this and he had told me he was crazy about me, but I knew he couldn't be as crazy as me. There was no way, because he was perfect and I was.. Well I was me. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, it was as if we were in our own little world. One that was peaceful and drama free, one where I could just love this beautiful man.

My stomach growling loudly brought me out of this fairytale land that I wished we lived in.

"Well I think it is time for you to eat something, how about you go hop in the shower and I will make you some breakfast." Edward smiled attentively and I narrowed my eyes playfully at him.

"Edward are you trying to tell me I smell?"

"Of course not love, but you have spent two days in bed so a shower may make you feel a little better." The word love distracted me, but I came back down from my gleeful high when he dispelled how long I had been asleep, suddenly I was hit with panic as my eyes widened.

"Two days." I threw the blanket off of me and jumped out of bed, but it was a little soon for sudden movements and I swayed uneasily. Edward stood quickly and steadied me before I could fall.

"Are you alright?" He asked quickly pulling me towards him as if to comfort me.

"Yeah just a little dizzy." I sat on the bed my head in my hands. "How is he?" My voice broke, I had been out for two days while my father grieved my mothers death, he didn't deserve to go through that alone. He didn't deserve to carry the weight alone and not have me to lean on.

"He is doing as well as expected, he has been pretty worried about you." Edward didn't have to ask who I was talking about. I sorted through what 'as well as expected' could mean, but came up empty.

"I am so selfish." I mumbled feeling extremely guilty, Edward pulled me to his chest as he sat down beside me.

"You are far from selfish, Bella. You were emotionally drained, don't worry about your father Jacob and I have been taking care of him. Also Harry, Sue, Carlisle, and Esme have all been around helping out here and there. Charlie is doing well." I let out a heavy sigh and looked up at Edward, looking for anything that could tell me why he was here? Why he stuck through the drama and emotional rollercoaster? I didn't ask these questions out loud, because I didn't want him to realize he was stupid for staying and not running from the mess that follows me. No matter what he said I was selfish.

I took a shower as Edward headed downstairs, staying under the water until it ran cold. During my morning routine I was doing my best to emotionally prepare myself for whatever state I found my father in, because my mother was his life and without her he was sure to be lost.

_Strong. Selfless. Solid. Brave. Strong. Selfless. Solid. Brave. _

I kept repeating these words over and over making myself believe they were true so that I could be what my father needed, he needed a shoulder to cry. I needed to be his rock, like he had been mine when I needed it. I dressed quickly throwing on whatever my hands landed on and tousled my hair, because honestly I had no one to impress. Edward had seen me at my worst so there was no hiding with him and really I couldn't think of anyone else that I would even care to impress other then him.

I took the stairs slowly one at time straining my ears to hear what was going on downstairs, as I entered the living room my eyes landed on my father. He was in the recliner, his feet propped up, the television on and a beer in his hand. I took a glance at the clock, eleven AM. He was drinking before noon, I guess I knew how he was coping. I took a deep breath and made my way into the room, he didn't react to my approach. I sat myself on the arm of the chair and wrapped my arms around him, he leaned into my touch. He smelled of beer and cigarettes. I held in the frustrated sigh that wanted to escape, his wife had just died of cancer and he was smoking cancer sticks. His daughter was a former alcoholic and he was drinking his sorrows away. I made myself forget all this, I reminded myself not to judge. For once upon a time I was the one that was grieving in my own way and he hadn't judged me. He had stood by me no matter how crazy I made him.

I had spent two days in bed and I decided that was all I would give myself. I would be completely selfless and let my father lean on me. I wasn't sure if I actually had the strength for this, but I was going to put everything I had into doing this for him. He was the only family I had left.

"Missed you baby girl." He whispered into my hair. "Miss her." The second part was barely audible and I had to chock back a sob.

"Me too daddy." I whispered back holding him tighter as I felt a sob rock through him, my father was an emotional drunk. With something as emotional as this, add in alcohol and you have a very emotional Charlie. I sighed and squeezed him as tight as I could trying to hold us both together.

**

The next few days passed in a blur, I pretty much went on a cleaning spree, it was the only way I could keep my mind off things. I scrubbed, dusted, and washed every surface in the house. I let my father lean on me anytime he started blubbering in a drunken state and in turn I leaned on Edward. He was at my house everyday and I was beginning to worry that he was taking out way too much time from his own life. He had spent far too much time taking care of my father and me, it had to stop. He had to return to his life and we all had to find our own normalcy. I was going stir crazy trying to keep my mind occupied and keep everything together. We needed to do something different, something normal.

"Edward?" He was standing next to me drying the dishes as I washed them. He paused and looked over at me, his emerald eyes curious and cautious. Once our eyes connected I continued speaking. "Don't you have a job or something?"

It didn't come out the way I wanted and I saw a flash of fear and pain in his eyes. I wasn't sure what these emotions were about, but they struck a cord with me. A cord of hope that he didn't want to leave me.

"I do, but most of it I can do over the phone." He explained continuing drying the dishes, after a moment he spoke again. "Are you trying to get rid of me?" There was pain in his velvety voice, I answered quickly.

"No, of course not." He chuckled with relief. "I just don't want you altering your life more then you already have. I appreciate everything you have done, but you shouldn't be putting your life on hold for us. We can survive without you here watching over us. I don't want you to feel obligated to be here." I was looking down into the soapy water as I spoke softly voicing my concerned in code. What I was really saying was that I was afraid he was just being nice and didn't really want to be here. I didn't want him to leave, because I knew I needed him, but I didn't want to hold him back either. His wet finger meet my chin and he raised my eyes to his, they burned with emotion.

"I am here, because I want to be. I will be here until you wish me away." His words warmed me to the core and I felt happy tears grace my eyes. I had cried so many sad tears that it was kind of annoying to have happy tears also. His face was soft and longing. "Bella, do you want me here?"

"Always." A beautiful smile broke across his face as I answered without even thinking.

"Then I will always be here."

My heart was beating erratically and it almost felt healed. Like he was slivering his way in and slowly repairing me, even though I knew it was impossibly for me to ever be fully healed, it did give me hope.

He leaned towards me and my eyes landed on his lips as his tongue ran across them. My mouth watered in anticipation of his sweet taste. Kissing Edward was an experience that would kill a heart patient. His lips meet mine and I melted into him. Nothing existed, but the two of us.

That is one thing I really loved about Edward he could make the rest of the world disappear and make me feel nothing, but undying love. I had never loved anyone in this way, I loved many people, but not the way I loved Edward. At a certain point in my life I thought I loved Demetri, but I learned real quick that it wasn't real. It wasn't love at all with him, but with Edward that was all I felt.

"Bella." My name sounded like heaven as he spoke with his lips against mine. A soft moan escaped my lips and I had strange sensations that ran through me. Edward groaned in response and suddenly I realized just how close we were to each other, our fronts flush to each other. His warmth radiating through me in waves.

I felt like he was asking me for permission so I granted it the only way I knew how.

I wove my hands in his hair and griped onto him as he held me around the waist, his hands tight enough to cause bruises. I had never felt a need like this, I needed him in every way and I couldn't get enough. I wasn't aware that we were in my fathers kitchen or that I was suddenly pinned against the counter or that Edward had pulled away from my lips and was now assaulting my neck. None of this really registered, because I was so lost within him. I needed him so much, he made life bearable, livable and I wanted to be extremely selfish and keep him for myself.

His lips found my ear lobe and he sucked it into his warm wet mouth another moan escaped. My knees felt weak and my body was flushed with a intense blush. I was thinking that I could stay like this forever, my hands in his hair, his warm body against me, his hands raking every part of my body, but then suddenly all the warmth was gone. Edward's lips were no longer one me, his body no longer holding me captive against the counter. My eyes snapped open landing on him, he was standing more then arms length away from me, his face unsure. I arched my eyebrows confused at what he was thinking. Had I done something wrong? My heart started pounding harder and my eyes welled up with tears. My heart wrenched and it was at that time that I realized that Edward hadn't been healing me, he was just taking his own piece of my broken heart.

Many emotions passed through his eyes as he stared at me unsure of something. Why was he so silent? What the hell was wrong with him? He just stood there staring at me and then a tear slipped down my cheek, I saw his face twist in pain.

"Bella." He paused shaking his head and more tears fell. I wrapped my arms around myself, what the hell did I do to deserve all this. A moment ago I had been happier then I had been in years and in a second he was going to rip it all away. "I was out of line, I shouldn't of done that. I shouldn't of.." He stopped shaking his head.

"Then why?" I asked my voice chocking up, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You make me feel so much, so many emotions, and I let my hormones get out of control. I didn't mean to upset you, I was out of line." He repeated again and I started at him confused. What exactly was he apologizing for.

"Did I do something wrong? Was it not good for you?" I sounded like a child. It was a kiss Bella damn, you had a kid, but you can't kiss. His head tilted in confusion.

"God no Bella you were amazing, that was amazing. More then amazing." My face flushed and I had to look away from his intense eyes. It took me a moment to find my voice and place everything together.

"Then why are you apologizing?"

"What?"

"If you wanted to do it and you say it was amazing, why did you stop and why are you apologizing?" I looked up into his eyes this time so that I could see his reaction, he looked taken back, then a slow unbelieving smile crossed his face.

"I just thought that you would feel mad or violated in some way. You have been through a lot lately and your vulnerable, I just didn't want to cross any lines. We haven't even gone on a date before and I am practically dry humping you in your fathers kitchen only a week after your mother.." He let the sentence drop there and suddenly his words made me feel slightly guilty. It had only been a week since my mother had passed and here I was feeling happy and wanting to kiss every inch of Edward's body.

I was shocking myself with my thoughts and actions, none of this was me.

"Your right it has only been a week, I shouldn't be feeling the way you make me feel. I just get so lost in you, you dazzle me." The words just feel from my lips, he closed the space that he had put between us. He held my chin between his fingers and made me meet his eyes.

"I dazzle you." He chuckled arching an eyebrow.

"Pretty much." I sighed smiling up at him, it was hard not to smile at Edward. He looked so child like with a sparkle in his emerald eyes.

"Well Miss Swan you more then dazzle me." He leaned over and laid a feather light kiss on my forehead. It was strange the things that simple kiss even did to me, it made me tingle and feel all lightheaded. I smiled blissfully happy for a moment drowning in love.

Being Edward and I the conversation was left there and we turned to finish the dishes. It was the strangest thing, we just had this connection and words didn't always have to be spoken to be known. I knew that Edward cared about me, even when I had moments like that were I was insecure and undeserving of it. He was always there no matter how crazy and drama filled my life seemed, it only made me love him more.

The next morning I woke up at six, showered, dressed, made breakfast, and headed out. I sent Edward a text letting him know I wouldn't be home that I had a few things to do. It had been awhile since I paid a visit to EJ and I knew that now visiting him almost meant visiting my mother, so I put it off. I went to the garage and opened it up for the first time in weeks, I briefly wondered what the good people of Forks were doing to keep their cars running without us. Jake hadn't even been working at the garage he had been so busy helping out at the house.

It was strange being in the garage again it seemed like a world ago that I was there, but the garage was untainted. There it was just a garage, just a job, just a passion. I didn't have to think about anything else, just tinker around mindlessly. Keeping the hands busy and the mind occupied.

I let my fingers dance across the clean lines of my racecar closing my eyes and trying to remember what it was like to be sixteen again. A time when the only drama in my life was Jake hiding a certain tool or part from me, then laughing at me while I stomped around trying to find it.

Those were simpler times, before all the death, drugs, and emotional destruction in my life. I would like to say that I wish I could go back to those times and stay, never experience all the pain I have, but I can't. Even though losing EJ nearly killed me I would of never not wanted to know him and have him. No matter how short of a time it was, because now I could never imagine not knowing him.

_I miss them so much. _

I miss Ethan. I miss my mom. I miss who I used to be. I miss being happy and carefree. I miss it all. I had felt brief moments of happiness with Edward, but it was not at the same level as to what I used to feel. I hoped that one day if I could keep Edward, he would be able to fill my voids, that I would be able to move on. No matter how scary moving on was, I knew I needed to do it, but could I? Moving on meant leaving behind the parts that I held onto and that alone terrified me.

Ragged breaths. Shaky hands. Throbbing heart. Spinning head. Watery eyes. Chocking sensation. Ringing ears.

A full on panic attack was setting in and I was more then happy that I was here alone. That no one, especially Edward wasn't here to see it. I slipped to the ground and pulled my knees to my chest knotting and locking my hands around them in an effort to hold myself together and control the shaking. I closed my eyes tight and tried to find a happy place, because I couldn't give in and let this attack take over me. I was alone and when alone the urge and the need for a substance to help me threw is all to strong. Plus if it took over I wasn't sure if I could come back from it, there was only so much I could take.

_In my happy place I was looking into the emerald eyes that penetrate me with so much emotion. My hands are running through Edward's messy bronze locks and I feel like I am home. Like Edward is home, solid ground._

_Home is my happy place and Edward is my home._

After a few minutes of letting that image run through my head time and time again my breaths start to even out. My head starts to calm down, my hands gain a little control, and I feel like I can breath with ease. Swallowing the tears I push myself up off the ground and I immediately go to work without any thoughts of anything other then the transmission on the old Malibu that has been sitting in the garage for weeks.

My hands worked with a mission, tools clunk, metal against metal. Grease coated my hands, sweat formed on my forehead at the hair line. My mind did not wonder from the task at hand, my hands did not faultier. The work came as second nature and with ease. As I worked I felt skilled and useful knowing exactly what to do.

A peaceful calm had fallen over me, but as all things in my life it broke suddenly as I felt eyes on me and the negative presence. I hoped that when I turned around I would find Edward or my father or even Jake, but I knew I wouldn't. The way the hairs on the back of my neck stood up was in warning, the pit of my stomach screamed at me to retreat. I closed my eyes counting to five wanting this feeling and him to be gone, but it didn't work. I turned slowly and meet his dark smug gaze.

Slowly I began to pull my cell phone from my pocket and Demetri's eyes watched me as I moved. He narrowed his eyes as he saw my phone.

"I just want to talk Bella no need to call your boyfriends." His voice gave me chills and reminded me of pain, that was all he was a reminder of, pain.

"We have nothing to talk about." I whispered opening a text box on my phone, I saw Demetri take a step closer as I clicked Edward's name in the box. I looked up at the man who hurt me in so many ways as my fingers typed out a simple message to Edward. I pressed send without even looking down at it, no need to push Dem farther. I took a step back in response to his steps forward, I could see all the exit points in my head, but once I was out I had no where to run. My keys were on the desk in the office where I sat them down when I came in.

"So Bella your quit the little slut now it seems." He chuckled still advancing on me and I had flash backs of his feet connecting with my ribs and his fist connecting with my face. It was suddenly freezing in the garage and my hands were shaking again. I didn't say anything in response to his works, so he continued speaking.

"I mean what would our son think of you, his mother having more then one man in her life." He tsk'ed me shaking his head and I felt myself cowering down.

"Don't talk about him." I threatened, but it came out strangled and more like a plea. I had backed across the garage and nearly to the wall, Dem was still following taking a step with each of mine. He smirked at me and brought his hand to his heart as if he was wounded.

"Bella are you really telling me that I can not speak of my own child." I felt the anger and pain rush through me like a tsunami. I couldn't do this, not now.

"He is not your child, he is mine." My voice cracked, but the anger was clear. I never considered Ethan this monsters child. I didn't even give him his last name, he was always mine and mine alone.

"You mean was, he was your child and my child." He was getting pleasure out of my pain, he always got pleasure out of pain. I felt my phone vibrate in my hand for the sixth time since I text Edward, but I didn't dare look down at it. I tried to think of how long ago I had sent the text, how much longer it would be before Edward got here? I glanced at the time across the room, it had been no longer then five minutes and it takes at least fifteen or more to get here from the Cullen's house. Perhaps I should of called Jake.

"What do you want?" I whispered as my back hit the wall of the garage and I was trapped. Dem looked like a predator as he cornered me his weak prey. He stood only inches from me, I could feel his breath and I could smell his sickly familiar scent. Weed and whisky. He reached up and I flinched, but he didn't hit me, he just touched my hair and I held my breath.

"I want what is mine." His voice caused me to feel violently ill, I wanted to empty the contents of my stomach. I wanted to curl into a ball and die just to be away from him. "You are mine, you always have been mine, and I want you back." There was a venom in his voice that I knew all to well, his patience was wearing thin.

I wanted to scream at him and tell him that I wasn't his and I never would be, but I didn't. I wanted to lift my leg and knee the fucker in the crouch, but I knew it would only make it worse. Why was all this happening? Why should I have to suffer so much? What the hell did I do to piss the universe, God, or whoever is doing this to me off so bad? I wanted to cry, scream, yell, and run for the hills.

"Say it." He whispered leaning into me and I shrunk impossibly closer to the wall trying to escape him. I knew what he wanted me to say, but I wouldn't say it. I would never utter those words to him again, because they were so far from the truth. "Isabella say it." He seethed and I ignored him.

Suddenly pain rippled through my head as he wrapped my hair around his fist and tugged me to him. I pulled away resisting him, only causing more pain.

"Leave me alone." I pleaded grapping at his hands trying to get him to release me, my nails dug into him, but he didn't loosen his hold. Instead he pulled me towards the door that he had entered into earlier. I started shaking and tears rolled down my face as I realized this was it, this was the end.

"You are mine, you have been defiant long enough, but now you have to be punished."

He was going to take me and do god only knows what to me. Hadn't he hurt me enough for fifty lifetimes? He threw open the door and pulled me out of the garage by my hair and into the rain. It was coming down cold and hard, the sky covered in dark clouds. It had been slightly clear when I had arrived this morning and in just a matter of hours it had turned into a full on storm. I wondered how painful death would be, I was giving up. I could feel it already, but there were a few things that made it more painful.

My father had lost enough and now he would lose me also and Jacob, my best friend this would kill him. Then there was Edward, I could just see how sad his emeralds would be and just how much I would miss him even in death. I had fought for years to keep my head above water and just when I felt like the sun was drying up some of the water around me, a flood comes down on me. I slumped and stopped resisting him as he dragged me across the mushy ground towards his ugly car.

Tires squealed and my eyes popped open as a shiny Volvo slid into the driveway, my heart pounded in even more fear. Would Dem hurt Edward? I couldn't let Edward get hurt, because of me. As Edward jumped out of the car his emeralds were burning with anger and hate, he didn't even look at me. His fist were hard at his sides and his face was rigged. My eyes raked over Edward, he was wearing low hung blue plaid pajamas pants and a white sleeveless shirt. His eyes blazed with a fire that chilled me, he no longer looked like the Edward that I loved, he was something else. He was something scary. Dem let go of my hair and dropped me completely to the wet soggy ground.

"Looks like boyfriend number two is going to try and protect your worthless piece of ass." Dem chuckled darkly rolling his neck on his shoulders getting ready to fight Edward.

In the flash of a second Edward charged Demetri with the force of a Mack truck, they rolled across the wet ground, flipping over and over demanding dominance. My heart beat with ferocity as I worried for Edward, I didn't want him getting hurt because of me. I couldn't bare it. I watched horrified as each one took and gave hits. Then Edward was on top of Dem pinning him down with his legs and walling on his face. Punch after punch, blood was mixing with the rain and mud. Horrid gargling sounds were coming from Dem and I watched horrified. Edward wasn't stopping he was a mad man.

**Edward's POV**Due to weeks of very little sleep I ended up over sleeping and no one bothered to wake me up, it was only the chirping of my phone that woke me from my slumber. I wasn't very happy when I saw that it was after eleven in the morning, Bella would already be up and I liked to be there for breakfast. I grabbed my phone seeing that I had a missed call and two new text messages.

**Missed Call: Jacob Black**

**2 New Text Messages: Bella Swan**

I smiled seeing Bella's name and opened the first text message.

**Got to get out of the house, going 2 the garage. See u for lunch.**

I would be upset, but I assumed by the missed call from Jacob that she was with him. That he was calling to let me know that he would make sure she wasn't alone for the day. We knew she couldn't be alone, we had a feeling that her physco ex was just watching and waiting for her to be alone. I opened up the second one and stared at it confused for all of three seconds before my heart stopped.

**jelp**

Help. She had to of meant to type help. I tried calling her phone as I grabbed my shoes and car keys. It went to voicemail, I immediately dialed her again only to be sent to her mailbox once more. I raced through the house ignoring the calls from my family members and ran out the door. The rain was coming down hard, but it didn't phase me. I tried Bella again, she still didn't answer. As I started up the Volvo and spun out of the driveway and onto the road, I tried the Swan house, Charlie picked up.

"What?" He snapped.

"Charlie is Bella there?" My voice was rushed and fearful.

"Umm no, she went to the garage or something." He was slurring, did the man even sober up anymore? I hung up the phone with a snap and tried Bella's phone again as I drove way too fast through the streets of Forks. After getting her voicemail for the sixth time I called Jacob. He answered after the first ring.

"Edward."

"Bella with you?"

"No, she's not with you?" Suddenly his voice sounded angry.

"Damn it, she sent me a text, she was at the garage, something is wrong. Fuck!" I spat into the phone.

"Did you call her?" His voice was desperate and I heard a door slam in the background.

"Yes at least half a dozen times she isn't picking up." I growled swirling through traffic.

"I am almost to the garage." I told him as I turned the corner and my fear and worry spiked. I saw Demtri's car parked in the lot. "Fuck he is here." I growled and slammed the phone shut hearing Jake say he was on his way. That was when I saw them, Demtri was dragging Bella across the muddy ground by her hair, she was limp and her eyes closed. My heart jumped into my throat.

Pure rage over took me as I squealed my way into a parking position, I saw Bella's eyes flash open, but I didn't have time to be relived. I jumped out of the car adrenaline and anger pumping through me fast and hard. My eyes landed on my target and I saw red.

It all happened in almost a dream like state my anger was so pulsated. I dove at Demetri as he released Bella's chestnut hair and I tackled him to the ground. We wrestled around fist meeting each others body parts with solid blows, the rain poured on us like a fire hose. Finally I got the advantage on him and pinned him under me. My fist no longer listened to my brain as I started hitting him, blood flew every which way and my hands protested as I heard bones crunch from my blows. He was losing consciousness under me, his breathing was slowing, but I couldn't stop. I heard Bella screaming from far away, yelling for me to stop, but I couldn't. I just couldn't make myself stop, I was a monster, an out of control monster. I was going to murder him for all the pain that he had caused Bella, I was going to kill him with my bare hands.


	18. Chapter 18 Eyes of Chocolate

**Chapter 18**

"**Eyes of Chocolate"**

**Edward's POV/B**

My arms were heavy and I could barely lift them anymore as I welled on Demetri. I could hear Bella screaming, I could hear my conscious telling me to stop, telling me this was wrong. I couldn't make myself stop the monster had taken over and I no longer knew who I was.

As quick as lightening I was being pulled back with a lot of force and landed ass end into the mud. I looked up angry and confused to see Jacob's seven foot frame standing over me, his eyes dark and slightly on edge. He looked from me to where Demtri laid not moving, then up to Bella who was backed against the building bawling and wide eyed. She looked terrified, I glanced down at my hands to see the guilt and shame. Blood covered my hands, arms, and shirt. I was a monster, I was worse then the sick fuck that I had just beaten to a pulp.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jacob yelled as he backed away from me, he looked afraid to even get to close to me right now. He leant over Demetri checking for breathing and other signs of life. I could hear Jacob sigh with relief and start cursing under his breath, I could hear Bella's silent sobs even over the rain. I wouldn't allow myself to look at her, I didn't deserve to look at her.

"Damn it Bella get him and you two get out of here. I will clean this up." Jacob said with his hands on his hips as he narrowed his eyes at me. He was pissed. I figured him of all people he would be happy that Demetri got a good ass kicking, but then again I had nearly beat the man to death. That was a bit more then an ass kicking. Bella slowly made her way over to me and bent down to eye level. Her brown eyes were swimming with tears, her hair stuck to her face as the rain poured down on her, she looked cautious and concerned.

"Come on Edward, lets go." She whispered holding her hand out to me, I reached up to take her hand, but pulled back when I saw the blood. I would not touch her with this blood on my hands, I got up on my own and hid my hands behind my back as we made our way over to the Volvo. The keys were still in the ignition so Bella slid into the driver seat and barely waited for me to get in before she took off.

I wanted to be pissed about the blood and mud that was now in my car, but I couldn't find in me to think of anything. My mind was in a fog, I had just nearly beat a man to death in front of Bella. What did she think?

I

_That you are a freak and she is terrified of you._

_/I_

My conscious answered rather logically. I shook it off and closed my eyes as we flew through the streets of Forks and I realized how much trouble I could be in here. Bella was one major thing, but the authorities were another. What if dip-shit ratted me out and the cops came for me? Would I do jail time? I felt slightly panicked at the thought that everything could be taken from me for that mistake I just made back there. I could loose my businesses, my home, my car, respect, and most of all Bella. I could feel panic eating away at me and I looked around to see Bella headed in the direction of her house.

She couldn't take me there, not like this.

"Jaspers." I told her with my eyes closed knowing that there was no way I could walk into my parents house like this or into the Charlie's house covered in someone else's blood. Bella stayed silent and I could hear her breathing, it was loud and heavy. I cracked one eye open and glanced at her, she was rigid in the seat. Hands tight on the steering wheel, eyes glued to the road, and jaw tight. I couldn't read her emotions from here, she could be angry, sad, annoyed, or even terrified. I hated myself for making her feel whatever she was feeling right now, I closed my eye back and tried to disappear into the seat of my car.

"What the hell happened to you?" Jasper asked as he opened the door and moved quickly to check on me, I heard Alice shriek as she rounded the corner. I held up my hand to stop them from worrying and checking me over for injuries. Blood still covering my hands.

"It's not my blood." My voice was hollow and cold, but I couldn't help it. I was horrified with myself to the point that I wouldn't even allow myself to look at Bella. Their eyes widened moving over me and then to where I knew Bella stood, questions flying through them too fast to answer.

I walked into the kitchen without answering any questions and I ran my hands under the faucet, watching the blood swirl its way down the drain. It made me slightly queasy and with the amount of blood running off my skin I wondered if Demetri would even survive. Though the way my knuckles were burning I figured some of the blood could be mine.

"Edward." Jasper's voice was full of authority, he was partially my concerned brother and the other part solider/doctor. He had seen all kinds of things, so I am sure this amount of blood was nothing to him. I dried my hands and then ran them through my hair holding back a grimace as pain ran through them. I glanced at Alice giving her a nod towards Bella knowing that she would understand my silent request. Alice and I were always on the same page, you would think that she was my sister by blood and not just marriage.

"Bella let me take you up and get you out of these wet cloths." Alice tried to sound upbeat, but I could hear the concern in her voice. I couldn't help it I glanced at Bella, she was staring at me her eyes sad and afraid. I swallowed hard to keep from dropping to my knees in front of her and begging for forgiveness. I was terrified that this would be the reason for me losing her, because I had lost my control.

Once the girls were out of the room I made my way towards the downstairs bathroom and Jasper disappeared saying he would get me some cloths. I rinsed off in the shower quickly and then changed into some cloths that weren't covered in mud and blood. Even after all the blood was washed off I could still feel it on my skin, though that probably had more to do with guilt then actual blood. Examining my hands I could see that I hadn't gotten by unscathed, the evidence was cut deep in my knuckles.

I emerged from the bathroom to see Jasper was leaning against the wall, he held out a glass that smelled of Tequila to me.

"Shit Edward." Jasper whispered when he caught sight of my hands. He went into the bathroom and retrieved a first aid kit, then lead me to his office. Inside I felt like I was being interrogated and Jasper hadn't even spoke a word. I grimaced as he went to work on my hands.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" He finally asked impatient.

"I fucked up."

He chuckled to my surprise. "I see that, but who did you fuck up and what the fuck happened?" I stared at the floor unable to meet his eyes.

I went into detail telling Jasper everything that had happened since I woke up this morning, he listened without judging.

"We should call Jenks." Was all he said as he finished bandaging up my hands. I nodded my head in agreement and pulled out my cell phone to call our family attorney. "I think the base knuckle in your middle finger may be broken you might want to go see dad and get an x-ray."

"Thanks." I mumbled knowing there was no way I was going to tell my father about this, he would shit a brick. Hopefully he would never find out.

Jasper silently left the room as the phone on the other end of the line started ringing.

"J. Jenks."

"Jenks, this is Edward Cullen."

"Ah Mr. Cullen how nice to hear from you, how is the family." Jenks was a man in his late sixties and had been an attorney for our family for the past forty years.

"The family is good, but I am afraid I have found myself in a predicament."

I explained everything that happened to Jenks, every little detail, he told me to lay low and not to involve anyone else in the situation. He said it would be best to wait and see what Demetri does and how bad of shape he is in. I thanked Jenks and hung up the phone.

The weight of the day and the events hit me hard at this point, I had told the story of what happened twice already and it was wearing on me. The more I spoke about it the more of a monster I saw myself as. I hunched over in the chair and put my head in my hands tugging at my hair. I was such a fuck up, I had fucked everything up.

I should of just got Demetri away from Bella and got her out of there, or called the cops. But no I had to go all Bruce Lee on his ass. With my eyes closed all I could see was flashes of bloody hands and the look on Bella's face, that terrified look broke my heart. I had become such a monster in that moment that the women I loved was terrified of me. I wasn't sure if there was a way to redeem myself, to come back from this, but I had to try. I took a few deep breaths and forced myself to leave the room and go face Bella.

As I entered the living room I saw Alice and Bella on the couch, they were sitting close together. Alice had her arm around Bella in a comforting way as they sipped on hot chocolate. Bella's hair was freshly washed and hanging around a fleece blanket that she was wrapped up in. She looked tense and anxious, her hands were shaking slightly.

I

_I hate myself._

_/I_

I cleared my throat signaling my presence and both girls glanced up at me. My eyes meet Bella's and I wanted to cry. She still looked terrified, she was so afraid of me. Alice patted Bella on the back and got up from the couch stopping to hug me before she left the room. I felt so immensely guilty that it was making it hard to walk with all the weight on my shoulders. As I sat down on the couch next to Bella she stared into her cup without looking at me, I left some distance between us so not to frighten her more. It felt like an eternity had passed as we sat there listening to the rain fall on the roof, then she whispered the craziest words I have ever heard.

"I'm sorry."

I tilted my head in confusion as I stared at her waiting for her to look at me, after I didn't say anything she finally meet my eyes. I could see it and I was so stupid for not realizing it. She was selfless of course she would blame herself, she blames herself for everything. Suddenly needing contact with her and forgetting that she was probably terrified I reached up and cupped her face. To my surprise she relaxed under my touch.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, this is my fault. I messed up, I saw him with you and I lost it." I shook my head trying to fight off the anger that was trying to remerge as I thought about it. Worry lines were creased on her brow and I could see her eyes filling with tears.

"Don't you see this is my fault, because this is my past coming back to bite us in the ass. If I wasn't in your life this would of never happened, you would of never gotten that mad or beaten someone that bad. I bring out the worst in you and everyone else." Tears were streaming down and I wanted to grab the stubborn girl and shake all the selflessness out of her.

"Bella please don't blame yourself. You can't control other people, none of this is your fault. People make there own choices and they have nothing to do with you. You in my life and as the person you are do not bring out the worst in me, my feelings for you and my protectiveness in you can bring out an ugly side of me, but I take responsibility for that. But that doesn't matter, because you bring out so much good in me, so much love, and hidden feelings I never knew I had." I paused knowing that the only way she will see what I am trying to say is if I just put it out there in words.

"Bella." I cupped her face and looked into her beautiful brown eyes. "This isn't the way I wanted to tell you, but you have to know I love you. I love you so much Bella it hurts." She bit her lip and her eyes filled with a new wave of tears, her lips tugged at the corners.

"Are you sure?" She asked sounding unbelieving.

"You don't see yourself clearly, you are so much more then your past, you are more then all the drama and trauma. You Bella Swan are the love of my life and I will always love you." Tears rolled down her cheeks so fast and she jumped into my lap straddling me. I was shocked by her reaction, but happily held her close. She had never shown affection like this, she kissed me hard and then kissed her way to my ear.

"I love you too, I love you so much. Always." Her whispered words tickled my ear and warmed my heart. A ridiculously huge smile spread across my face and I held her tighter to me never wanting to let go.

We hadn't even been on a actually date yet, well unless you count our non-date, but here we were confessing our love. We were doing things way out wack, but who would expect anything different with Bella and I. She was like no one I ever knew and I was pretty different myself, so it was only natural for us to be different together.

Bella's cell phone shrilled through the room breaking the silence and the moment. She pulled away still sitting on my lap and felt around her pockets trying to find it. When she retrieved it she stared at the screen biting down hard on her lip.

"Who is it?" I whispered brushing a hair behind her ear and trying really hard not to get turned on by our current position and the lip biting.

"Jacob." She chocked answering him and me. _That did the trick._ She waited for a moment listening and I felt her body shaking over me. I wrapped my hand around her waist and pulled her to me so that we were face to face, I was terrified of what he would say. I could see the fear in Bella's eyes and I noticed for the first time today that the fear wasn't of me, it was for me. She was afraid of what would happen to me, I could see it in those beautiful brown eyes.

God I love her so much.

"Okay." She paused again mindlessly running her free hand through my hair. "Jasper and Alice's." I quirked and eyebrow wondering what on earth he was saying. I was anxious to hear whatever it was that had happened after we left, but at the same time I wanted to pretend none of it happened and get lost in Bella. "See ya in a bit." She finished and hung up the phone sitting it on the table next to us. She stared down into my eyes for all of two seconds before her lips were on mine. She kissed me with urgency and verbosity, it was magical, but I was scared of what this meant. This kiss felt like a goodbye or like a last kiss of sorts, but I didn't pull away. I was greedy as I kissed her back until I could no longer go without a fresh breath of air. We pulled apart panting foreheads together and eyes locked.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I mumbled back. "What did he say?"

"He said that he got everything taken care of, whatever that means and that he will be here in a little bit." I nodded and placed a small kiss on her lips before I moved her off of my lap and onto the cushion next to me. There was no way I could keep the hormones under control with her core so close to my manhood.

Alice poked her little head into the room.

"Hey I was just about to make some food, are you two hungry?" Her voice was hesitant as if she was worried about interrupting, which wasn't like Alice at all. She always interrupted and was proud of it. Bella shook her head at Alice.

"Bella you should really eat, you could be in shock." I hadn't noticed Jasper entrance until he spoke.

"I'm really not hungry and I feel fine." She tried to assure him, but I knew Jasper and when he went into doctor mode he was as relentless as Carlisle.

"Just try, please. I would feel a lot better if you both tried to eat something, it has been a long day and you will need the fuel." He turned his pleading eyes on her, taking the begging route with Bella and I. She sighed blushing.

"Alright I will try."

Bella was always about pleasing people, she would do anything anyone asked her no matter the cost. This wasn't a huge deal, because in truth she needed to eat, but I just wish that she would decide things on her own. She lets so many other people influence her, everything about her life seemed to be that way. Her strength was always for other people, her drama and hardships all reflected on others. But she held it all, she burdened herself with it. She was too selfless for her own good and it was something I loved about her, but she needed to learn to balance it. There was a fine line between selfless and self-harm and Bella walks that line without caution.

Jacob arrived about fifteen minutes later as we were getting ready to sit down and eat some chicken noodle soup. Not the good homemade kind like my mom makes, but the frozen kind. Alice is a shopper, not a cooker. Jacob came in looking calm so I let out the breath I was holding, because if it was bad he wouldn't be so calm. Without saying a word he pulled out a chair and made himself a bowl of soup, Bella rolled her eyes and broke the silence.

"Well Jake?" He looked up the spoon halfway to his mouth.

"Damn can a man get a bite to eat, shit." Bella tilted her head and I clinched my fist. He had no right to talk to her like that. One look at Bella's face and Jacob sighed regretful. "Sorry Bells, it is just that your boyfriend here messed scumbag up pretty bad. It is a little nerve wrecking I don't know if I should be happy or fucking scared of what damage he could do to you."

Spoons clinched down on bowls and all eyes shot to Jacob. No one could believe he just said that, we all spoke at once.

"He would never hurt her." Jasper.

"You son of a bitch." Alice.

"Bullshit." Me.

"Jacob!" Bella was the loudest of all as she shot out of her chair and was standing over Jacob. We all stared mystified, this was a side of Bella I had never seen. "How dare you?"

Jacob stared at her as if this was something he had never witnessed either. "You take that back right now, Edward would never hurt me. Never." I wanted to smile at how sure she was of this, I was positive it was hard for her to trust someone so much.

"What makes you so sure?" Jacob was mad now also. I went to step in, but as I caught Alice's eyes she shook her head telling me not to. I sat back anxious and ready to step in if need be. We all waited for her answer and without missing a beat she said:

"Because I trust him and I love him, and he loves me." This time everyone smiled except for Jacob. He narrowed his eyes at Bella and slammed his fist down on the table. She jumped slightly, but mostly held her ground. This time I stood and wrapped my arm around her waist.

"Jacob I appreciate what you did today, but you need to calm down. I won't have you speak to Bella in this way." I saw his jaw tighten, but he ignored me still focused on Bella.

"Bella he was out of control, what if he gets like that with you?" His voice was softer and concerned this time. I knew I would never hurt Bella, but he had a point. I had been out of control.

"He wont Jake." She assured him and grabbed my arms that were wrapped around her waist.

"Did you see Demetri, he was unrecognizable?" Jacob's voice rose.

"He was protecting me, you can't tell me you wouldn't of done the same. That you haven't done the same for me before. I have seen you loose control also." She raised an eyebrow at him and he stood up towering over both of us, his hands clenched into fist and his face turned red. He had some serious anger issues.

"I didn't fucking hospitalize him Bella, I didn't beat him within an inch of his life. I would of liked too, but I had a little control unlike some."

I was nearing my breaking point, it had been a fucked up day and Jacob Black was testing my nerves. Me and this _kid_ were always back and forth. Sometimes we were buddy buddy and others we were at each others throats. It was very much a like/loath relationship between us and I knew that the only reason there was any of either was because of Bella.

"Jacob he made a mistake, we all make mistakes. It won't happen again, I trust him, just like I trust you. Now please lets just forget this and eat." She twisted out of my arms and went back to her seat. We all watched her as she started eating the soup. I could see her hands shaking and I knew she was doing her best to hold it together.

"This is really good Alice, thank you." She said once she got her emotions under control.

With that the tension broke and we all sat down and started eating again. It was completely silent at the table and I could feel Jacob glaring at me, but I didn't pay him any attention my eyes were on my Bella. She had grown so much in the few months that I had known her, there was so much more to her then what was on the surface. Today she showed strength that I had never seen before, I had no idea how she was holding herself together.

When we finished we went into the living room to find out what Jacob did about the situation.

"I dumped him off in the ER parking lot and told them I found him on the side of the road. I have no idea what he will tell them, but on the way there I advised him to not mention you, myself, or Bella in the matter. I am sure they will call Charlie in on this one and I am going to be suspect number one." Jacob sighed twisting his long hair around his hand. "Though when he sees your hands he will know."

Jacob nodded to me and nodded back in thanks. I had already voiced my appreciation once and I wasn't going to do it again. I was still pissed about the way he spoke to Bella and claimed that I could hurt her. Which was by far the most absurd thing ever.

"Thank you Jake." Bella said going over and hugging him as he stood up to leave. He wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his head on her shoulder his eyes on me and that is when I saw it. I always assumed, but in that moment I saw it. I understood it all. Jacob Black was completely in love with Bella, maybe almost as much as I was. He closed his eyes and I swear I saw him sniff her hair, I had to control the green monster in me. I had no reason to be jealous she was mine and she loved me. But if things ever came down to it and she had to chose between me or him, I wasn't sure if she would choose me. He had been such a big part of her life for her whole life, he would always win over me. And with that any like that I had with Jacob went out the window, I hated him. He whispered in her ear and she pulled back slapping him on the shoulder and smiling at him.

I had never wanted to be able to read minds or have super hearing so bad in my life. She had laughed a care free laugh, it was like all the fighting from earlier was forgotten. Bella forgave way too easily. That had worked in my benefit, but right now I wished she wouldn't forgive him. I hated feeling this way, because he had helped her through so much, but she didn't need him now. She had me.

I

_Grr love does make you crazy._

_/I_

"Jealousy doesn't look good on you." Alice reached up on her toes to whisper in my ear. I glanced down at her narrowing my eyes.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Yep." She popped the 'p' rocking back and forth on her heels. "For him too." I glanced down at her arching my eyebrow and she chuckled. "Did you think his outburst and concern about what you did was all about Demetri being messed up or Bella's safety?"

"Guess not." I sighed running my hand through my hair.

"Guess not what?" Bella's voice made my eyes snap up she was standing in front of me curious.

"Nothing." I shook my head and closed the distance between us. I held her tight in my arms and kissed her forehead. "Nothing at all."

"I need to head home Charlie will be worried or passed out on the floor." I held her tighter as the worry for her father broke through her voice. I wished that I could fix everything for her, it was only the millionth time I had wished that since meeting this beautiful girl.

We thanked Alice and Jasper, who made me promise to call him as soon as I hear anything about Demetri or if I hear back from Jenks. Alice gave me some towels for the seats in my car and I felt sick when I saw them, they were so horrible. My interior looked like a flood had rushed through it. There wasn't a lot of blood, but there was a lot of mud and water.

"I can clean this up for you." Bella whispered as we got on the road, I glanced at her chuckling.

"No I will do it. Thanks for the offer though." There was no way I was letting her clean this up, that was just crazy talk.

"Let me help." She pleaded sticking out her bottom lip. "It is suppose to be nice tomorrow, hard to believe with the storm going on right now, I know, but we could do it together."

That word 'together' was all I needed to sway me.

"Alright, but we should do it early. You know just in case." I didn't go into detail that it would be best if I had it cleaned up before Demetri snitched on me and the cops came looking for evidence. .

I got out of the car with Bella and walked her to the door. She opened the door and when I didn't follow her in she stepped back out. I gave her a smile and cupped her face in my hands.

"Do you want to come in?" She asked breathless looking into my eyes.

"I want to Bella, I really do, but I think I should go home." She looked hurt.

"Why?"

"It has been a long and emotional day. I need to give you space to think and clear your head. Plus if we go in there and I start kissing you I don't think I will be able to stop." Honesty was the best policy right?

"Oh." She said her face turning a light pink. Yeah I for sure wouldn't be able to stop.

"Yeah so I will see you in the morning?"

She nodded telling me she would drive to my place since my car was so dirty, plus it was best not to be driving around more then I had to with it like this. I smiled at her and kissed her perfect lips. I wished I could stay and have the strength not to attack her, but I didn't. It had been too long, my emotions were all over the place, and I wanted her so bad.

"I love you." I whispered pulling away from her and looking into her eyes. She smiled, a real smile.

"I love you too."

I drove home on a blissful high, all the bad forgotten. All I could think about was the look in Bella's eyes as she told me she loved me. I never knew that love could be like this, so strong, so amazing. It was everything I never dreamed of, but needed like oxygen now.

"Edward." My fathers voice carried from the living room as I entered the house and I knew he knew. Or at least he knew something, because his voice was solid and demanding. I swallowed hard shoving my hands in my pockets to hid the bandages and stepped into the living room.

"Carlisle." He looked me over his eyes zeroing in on my pockets, I fidgeted a little under his stern gaze. This would be where Jasper inherited the interrogating look.

"How was your day?" He watched me suspiciously like a human lie detector. I thought of the good parts of the day as I answered.

"Pretty good." He rubbed his chin in thought. "How about yours?" He chuckled humorlessly at my question.

"It was just another day at the hospital until I got this one patient that was pretty messed up." He narrowed his eyes at me and I just shrugged my shoulders indifferent.

"That sucks."

"Yes it does." He took a sip of whatever was in his glass. "You see this man, you may know him, Demetri?" I nodded in acknowledgement. "Yes well Demetri came in pretty messed up, someone had beat him with their bare hands. He had to have twenty stitches, four staples, and suffered a pretty bad concussion. Oh and also had a cracked rib, yeah someone did quite the number on him."

"Ouch, too bad for him. Well I am going to head up to bed." I turned on my heels feeling like a teenage boy late for curfew.

"Edward." I closed my eyes frustrated that he was using that tone with me. "Take your hands out of your pockets."

Fuck.

B

**Bella's POV/B**

I was terrified and I was sure Edward knew that, but I wasn't terrified of him. Not even close, I mean it was crazy the way he lost control, but he was protecting me. I was more terrified of what was going to happen next, was he going to go to prison? Was he going to decide that I wasn't worth all this trouble and run away? Was he going to hate me for turning him into that monster he was in that moment? My mind was going ninety to nothing with worry and I was terrified, because I loved him.

All those fears eased a little with three little words though, Edward told me that he loved me. I wasn't sure how someone like him could love me, but I loved him more for it. I knew he was telling me the truth, because butterflies settled in my tummy and I got light headed when he spoke the words, it was the most amazing feeling and I hoped he would always make me feel that way.

For such a rotten day it actually turned into one of the best days, as crazy as it sounds. As much as these feelings he brought on in me made me feel good, they also scared me. When you love someone you give them the power to hurt you and Edward had all the cards in his hands. If anyone was going to hurt me it was Edward, he was the one that could break me more then anything else. Well almost more then anything else, I don't see how anything could be worst then losing EJ, but Edward would be close.

I hoped I would never have to find out.

Charlie was passed out on the couch as I entered and a empty bottle of jack next to him. I collected myself and went over to cover my dad up with a blanket. There was no point in trying to get him to go upstairs, because he wouldn't sleep in his room without mom and I wouldn't try and force him.

Sitting on the floor next to the couch I watched him sleep, he looked so much younger when he slept. His wrinkles still standing out, but not as deep as they were when he was awake. The bags under his eyes slightly lighter.

I hated all the pain I had caused my father, he was such a good man and deserved so much more.

"I am sorry for everything." I whispered leaning over and kissing his head. He rolled over and cuddled the pillow.

"Renee." His voice was soft and a smile played on his lips.

Tears filled my eyes and my lips quivered, he was dreaming of my mother. It was bitter/sweet, because at least he still had her there in his dreams, but at the same time I knew how hard waking up was after dreaming of those you have lost. I rubbed his hand and headed upstairs changing out of Alice's cloths and into my own. I was exhausted, but as my head hit the pillow I could not for the life of me fall asleep. Edward filled my thoughts and I felt so empty without him here with me.

As if he I had called upon him my phone rang, his name lighting up in the dark room. I smiled as I answered it.

"Hey."

"Hey." He breathed back sounding relieved. "I miss you."

"I miss you too." The words just left my lips like second nature.

"I thought I would tell you that my father cornered me when I got home, seems he was working the ER when Jacob dropped _him _off." I could hear the anger in Edward's voice.

"Oh no." My voice was high pitched and I sat up in the bed. All the horrible possibilities running though my head and all of them being concern for what would happen to Edward.

"Don't worry love." A smile broke across my face. Love. I really loved this guy-like a stupid love struck girl. "Demetri is going to be fine and he wouldn't tell the hospital who attacked him, he is saying he got jumped and didn't see anything. My father doesn't think he will press charges and as long as the police station doesn't want to pursue it everything should be fine."

He was trying to reassure me, but I was still scared I couldn't lose him. "I just wanted to let you know and tell you goodnight."

"Thanks. I am glad you called, because I couldn't fall asleep anyway."

"Aren't you tired?" His voice sounded concerned making me smile.

"Yeah. I just.." I bit my lip rethinking my words.

"You what?" He asked curious.

"I just wish you were here, you keep the bad dreams away." He was silent for a moment and I was worried that I scared him off, too much too fast.

"Edward are you still there?" I asked after a moment.

"Yeah just trying to find my shoes." I heard stuff moving around.

"NO!" I yelled a little to forcefully and I could hear his breath hitch. "Sorry." I cleared my throat. "I really want you here, but I can't ask you to drive over here at this time of night."

"You know I would for you, plus it wouldn't all be for you. I miss you too." Crazy goofy smile on my face.

"I know, but can you maybe just stay on the phone until I fall asleep?"

"Anything for you. What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know."

"I could sing to you?" He suggested sounding unsure, but I brightened up real quick.

"Please." I begged and he chuckled.

"Of course."

I laid back on the bed with the phone to my ear and waited for his beautiful voice to come through the phone.

I

"_I close my eyes and see her face_

_She takes everything's place._

_Her eyes are like sweet chocolate_

_Her walls are built so high and her heart is in pieces._

_But every night she fills my dreams and she is everything to me."/I_

My eyes drifted closed and I didn't hear more of the song, but I knew who the girl in the song was and I dreamed of the boy who loved that girl.


	19. Chapter 19 Sun Always Shine Before a Sto

**A/N: Hey readers thanks for the reviews. Also I apologize for the slight error I made in the last chapter, I don't think most of you caught it, but some did and informed me of it. I thank them for that, it is fixed now and I will try not to let it happen again. I think I am pushing myself to much to update this story and The Sports Agent, I try to update them both once a week. A friend of mine has advised me that it would probably be ideal to spread it out a little so it isn't as forced. With that said I may only be updated every other week from now on. That doesn't mean I won't update sooner that just gives you an idea. I write when inspired so I could update before then. I thank all of you for reading and your replies mean a lot to me. Alright I will stop rambling and let you read the chapter. **

**Chapter 19**

"**The Sun Always Shines Before a Storm"**

**Bella's POV**

_Happiness. _It is such a simple concept for most, but for me it has been out of reach for years. I hadn't truly felt happy in so long, but Edward made me feel it and so much more. Every part of him made every part of me feel. Most days I hated feeling, because it was painful, but feeling with Edward was peaceful. I couldn't get enough of him, my addiction growing with each passing second that he was in my life. The sweetness of his voice, the kind words, the soft touch of his skin on mine. It all dives me over the edge. I feel like I am floating and when I am with him the pain is put on the back burner out of reach, out of my mind.

Through all the pain, all the heartache, and all the loss I somehow was lead to him. It all brought me to him or rather him to me. He was slithering his way through my heart like hot glue pulling the thin broken pieces together, I knew there would always be pieces missing, but at least I could feel something other then pain.

Though with this happiness I felt guilt it hadn't even been a full month since my mothers passing and I was feeling happy. I was a horrible daughter and person that didn't deserve Edward. Hopefully he would never realize that.

Sitting off to the side out of the way I watched him. His movements perfectly graceful, his smile lighting up the room, and his warmth radiating around him. Everything about Edward was perfection. We were attending Jasper's going away party, he would fly out to Texas in the morning and then to Iraq from there. Alice looked like she was barely holding it together, the poor girl was about to have her rock ripped away from her.

Being someone that understood what it was like to have her life ripped apart I felt for Alice. I literally felt it in my soul, I knew what she was going through, but she had something I never had. Hope. Jasper could come back. My mother and Ethan never had a chance. As soon as they both were diagnosed they were headed in one direction. It wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of when with them. For Jasper it was different. Was his job dangerous? Yes. Was his life in danger? Hell yes, but he would come home. If there is one thing I knew it was that Jasper would come back to Alice, no matter what.

I know it seems ironic that I would have so much confidence in someone surviving with all the hardships I had faced, but Jasper had to come home. If somehow Jasper didn't come home I would completely lose faith, I would no longer be able to believe that the world wasn't a sadistic asshole playing jokes on all of us un-expecting humans. (If I didn't already believe that.) I had been through more then the average person and was able to see that Jasper would come home. With that I hoped that someone as beautiful as Alice would also be able to see and believe that also.

I wasn't the strongest person or the most stable person, but seeing her cling to him for dear life I made myself a promise. I promised myself that I would help my friend through the next twelve months. That I would be there for Alice just like she had been there for me every chance she got. Perhaps this was the key in my healing, to help others through tough times. Redemption of sorts. My father needed help getting through the loss of his love and Alice needed help getting through the absence of hers. I could be there for them, also it would be beneficial for me to have other relationships. Who knew when Edward would have to leave me? Surely at some point and time he would indeed have to get back to work.

"Hey Fly-Bell." Emmett's cheerful voice broke my thought process and I looked up to see him smiling down at me. His dimples shadowing in the downcast light, it warmed and tore at my heart in one instant. I arched an eyebrow at his new nickname for me.

"What's that about?" I asked as he sat down next to me, I stared into his sparkling child like eyes.

"Well Bells, you see your kind of like a fly." I nearly chocked on my drink.

"Really, how is that?"

"No matter how many times you get hit with the newspaper you still keep on twitching." I tilted my head at him thinking he was making some sort of joke, but he was being completely serious. I broke out into hysterics, he just stared at me. In fact I think everyone was staring at me. "Why is that so funny?"

"Emmett." I did my best to speak through the chuckles. "First of all that makes absolutely no sense, second of all you just compared me to an insect that eats shit, and third you accused me of twitching." I bit my lip trying to hold back the laughter as he pondered my words. It took him a minute.

"I thought it made sense." He grumbled as Edward came over to us smiling and looking curious.

"What did I miss?"

"Emm.." I didn't get to finish as Emmett cut me off.

"Inside joke, Eddy." He winked at me patting Edward on the back and walked away. He glanced back once to show me his dimply smile I swallowed hard trying my best not to picture my perfect baby boy.

Edward sat down silently next to me and pulled me into his arms. He was so warm and comforting. He always seemed to sense when his touch was needed and just how to make me feel better. Edward and I hadn't spent a second away from each other over the past few weeks. I hated keeping him from everything, but at the same time I needed him to much to let him go. I'm a rather selfish person, at least when it comes to Edward.

"Why does my brother make you happy and sad in the same instant?" Edward's voice was low and hesitant. I tensed slightly at his question hoping that Emmett didn't also notice this. I didn't want Emmett to think that I didn't like him, I swallowed hard before answering. There was nothing I wouldn't tell Edward.

"His smile."

"It makes you happy or sad?" Edward brushed the hair out of my face and raised my eyes to his. Pure love reflected back at me and the words tumbled from my lips with ease.

"Both. His smile is so warming, but also haunting." I paused only slightly to swallow the lump in my throat. "EJ used to have these perfect little dimples, they looked like someone had hand crafted them. When Emmett smiles his dimples appear and I have to fight away the image of my baby boy smiling at me." Edward's eyes looked sad, but he didn't pity me. I loved that about him. So many were so quick to pity me, which I hated, but not my Edward. He was concerned, he was loving, he was sad, but never pitiful.

We all said our goodbyes to Jasper and I was pretty surprised with myself when I cried. He hugged me tight whispering for me to take care and the tears fell over the brim. I wouldn't say I had gotten really close to Jasper, but he had this calming nature about him that touched everyone. Edward took me from Jasper's arms and held me tight. The brothers parted ways with two simple words. Be safe.

***

"Morning beautiful." Edward's voice was warming and pleasing to hear as I awoke to my phone ringing.

"Hey." My voice was groggy with sleep.

"Did I wake you?" He sounded apologetic, I glanced at the clock seeing it was well after nine.

"No."

"Liar." He chuckled making me smile even bigger. "If you want to sleep I will let you go."

"No." The word left my mouth a little too loud, Edward chuckled.

"Alright settle down." I rolled my eyes at his playful tone. Edward had been doing an incredible job at distracting me, that is what I called it, but in truth I felt like he was healing me. "I wanted to show you something, do you have plans today?"

"Actually." I teased him. He was bringing out a side of me that had long been forgotten. "Nope looks like I am all free."

"Glad to hear that I will pick you up in an hour, how does that sound?"

"Sounds like a date."

"Ha-ha. Well I have other plans for our first actually date, but call it what you would like. See you soon." I could hear the smile in his voice. "Oh and Bella."

"Yeah?" I answered and he paused before replying making me slightly nervous.

"I love you." As the words meet my ears I smiled feeling him work his way through my heart.

"I love you too." _Forever._ I added the last part in my head not wanting to scare him away.

It was strange that for the past few years I would wake up fighting the urge to have a breakdown or a relapse, but now I woke up to the love of my life and got ready smiling to myself. It was strange what loving someone could do to you. Sure I still missed my son and my mother like crazy. I still felt that nagging urge to use again in the pit of my stomach from time to time. My heart was nowhere near healed, but life was getting better. Edward made my eclipsed sky brighter. He was like a rainbow after a thunderstorm, beautiful and calming.

Downstairs I found Charlie sitting on the couch staring at a page in a scrapbook. Renee had taken a scrap booking class as a project at one point, but soon moved onto something else. She was always doing that, taking interest in something and then giving up soon after.

I peered over his shoulder at the picture and felt my stomach tighten. It was a photo taken Ethan's last Christmas just before he turned two. Charlie, Renee, and I all stood in front of the Christmas tree and I held Ethan on my hip. We were all smiling at the camera, but as I thought back I remembered clearly that we were actually laughing at Jake. He had taken the picture while saying all kinds of amusing things.

Ah Jake. I hadn't talked to him since the incident with Demetri. I honestly wasn't sure how I was feeling about my best friend these days, I guess there were many emotions brewing in me. Emotions that I nor had time to figure or wanted to figure out. I was feeling a slither of happiness for the first time since Ethan and I wanted to hold onto that. I wanted to hold onto Edward.

"That was a good day." My fathers voice was full of emotion and my heart ached. I sat down next to him and nodded in agreement. "I miss him, I miss her, and I miss you."

He looked up from the picture and into my eyes. Chocolate on chocolate. I felt tears making their way into my eyes, I hated seeing my strong amazing father so sad.

"I am right here dad." I touched his arm reassuring him. "I am not going anywhere." He shook his head sighing.

"Bella you deserve to be happy, you deserve the world. I know you don't think so, but you do. I want you to experience the things your mother gave me, I want you to have all the wonders of the world. I know your heart aches and I know how much I miss them, it must be worse for you. When you come home from being with Edward there is a light in your eyes and most of the time I can see the lines from smiling. You deserve that, you deserve to be happy. I don't want you fussing over me, I will be fine. Just be happy."

The tears couldn't be kept at bay as my father poured his heart out to me. He was usually a man of few words, but not today. Today he was telling me it was okay to be happy, it was okay to love. I wanted so badly to be happy, but there was so much guilt for it. I really honestly didn't think I deserved to be happy, I didn't think that I could ever truly be happy, but Edward made me happy. Admitting that was scary, because that gave him all the power. If I lost him there would be no way of coming back from that, I would have no strength left to move forward. I had lost too much, so with the gift of happiness came the uncertainty of knowing that Edward could destroy what was left of me and that was terrifying.

"You deserve to be happy too. I know you are lost, but mom wouldn't want you grieving her in this way. Drinking and mopping, she would want you to find a way to move forward too. Or at the very least do something you enjoy."

He looked thoughtful for a moment, truly taking in my words.

"I will try to find a way to move forward, but only if you promise me you will do everything you can to be happy in this life." He spoke sternly and I could see just how much he wished that for me. I could be happy, I knew I could be with time I would heal. Well as long as I had Edward.

"Deal." He agreed shutting the book and placing it back in the coffee table. With a slight smile he got up and headed up the stairs towards his and my mothers room. I knew he was taking the first step to healing, I would do the same.

Edward arrived a little later, he stood on the porch with a secret smile on his face. I eyed him curiously knowing that he was up to something. He greeted me with a kiss on the forehead and his arms secured around my waist. I melted to him feeling like I was home, like I was right where I needed to be forever. He didn't give anything away as we drove through the small city of Forks, it was a surprisingly nice day out and I hoped it would stayed that way. I was pretty tired of the ran it made it hard to not feel depressed. Though on days like this riding in Edward's Volvo, holding hands, and listening to classical music things seemed natural. Normal.

"Tada." Edward presented and I looked around confused. There was nothing around us, but an empty lot. Three tress and knee deep grass covered the small lot area, but nothing more. It was a blank slat and it confused me.

"Are we going on a picnic?" I mused out loud trying to decipher the lot. Edward laughed shaking his head, his eyes bright with delight.

"Sure if you want, but I have bigger plans for this lot." I could see the excitement in his eyes, but I still wasn't catching on. He got out of the car practically skipping. Yes skipping like a giddy school girl, somehow he even made that look manly and perfect. Something big was definitely up. He opened my door and helped me out of the car, he was seriously the sweetest guy alive. With a few exceptions like what he did to Jessica and what he did to Demetri, but none of that mattered. None of that defined him, he was perfect with and for me.

I followed him silently as we walked through the knee high grass towards the middle. Once we stopped he motioned his arms out as he spoke. "You are now standing in the direct spot of the one and only B's Bar or Bella's Pub or perhaps BS. Yeah I like that BS." He was nodding his head in excitement and wonder, but it took a moment for it all to settle into my brain. He had babbled the words out so quickly that they were hard to piece together. Then it all hit me like a cool breeze on a hot summer day.

Edward was opening a bar in Forks, he was going to be in Forks for awhile. He was going to be here with me, I wouldn't have to lose him yet. I felt the hope and excitement at what all this meant and started smiling so hard I thought my face would break. Suddenly the last few words sunk in and I froze.

_B's Bar. Bella's Pub. BS. _

"NO. No." I said horrified shaking my head. Edward tensed up and get a heartbroken look in his eyes. I realized real quick what he thought I was saying no to. I reached out and grabbed his forearm. "I love you and this amazing, but there is no way in hell that I am allowing you to name a bar after me. No way."

I realized I was sounding almost hysterical and should have been embarrassed, but there was no embarrassment with him. Edward recovered quickly smiling down at me as he ran his finger tips across my blazing cheeks-I guess I may have been a little embarrassed. He chuckled and pulled me into a tight embrace. He shook me back and forth with pure joy. I was flushed against his chest and my feet dangled in the air.

"I figured you would say that. So you are going to have to help me pick out a name, because I want to do this for us. So that we can be together without the distance. I know at some point there will be distance, but I don't want it to be any time soon. I love you so much, you are my life now." His words were surprising and hit me hard. Tears flowed down my cheeks and for the first time in a long time I was crying happy tears. Edward was staying. Edward wanted and needed me just as much as I needed him.

We sat down in the grass and he told me his vision for his newest place. His eyes were light up like a kid on Christmas morning. I could tell that this was his passion. Another thing for me to feel guilty about, he loved his work and I had been keeping him from it. His hands moved around in explanation, his lips moved quickly, and his eyes smiled. The sky was clear and all the natural light made him look even more amazing then usual. I was happy sitting there with him and having him share a piece of him with me. Once he was all talked out he opened his legs and pulled me between them, my back to his chest. His arms were secure around me waist and I put my hands over his. There in that field in that moment everything stopped. The world around us ceased to exist and I was happy. I was so overwhelmed with happiness I wanted to cry.

When I went to bed that night the sense of dread was making its way into me. There were a couple of dates approaching that couldn't be ignored. February 14th was less then a week away and the date was weighing heavy on me with each passing day. I hoped that the strength and happiness that Edward gave me could get me through that day. It was the better of the two days that were approaching, but it came first so I would worry about it first.

**Edward's POV**

"Damn Alice were you going to give me any closet space?" I asked my sister in law as I peered into the closet that came with the guest room. It was full of clothes, shoes, and other various items.

"Oh shot." She sighed coming into the room caring another one of my boxes. "I forgot to clean it out for you. Those are my summer clothes." I let out a heavy sigh sitting my clothes on the bed in the room.

"Al you live in Forks now, there is no need for summer clothes." I couldn't help, but chuckle when she pursed her lips and raised her chin.

"There is the rare sunny day you know. I will just get this cleaned out while you bring in the rest of your stuff up. I guess I can put it all in the attic for now." I patted her head in thanks as I headed back out the door to retrieve a few more of my things.

When I told Jasper I would be staying in town for awhile he asked me if I could possibly lookout for Alice. It was no problem, because she was like a sister to me and I would do it without a second thought. There had been a bit of tension at my parents house with my father, he wasn't too happy with me. He was mostly shocked and disappointed that his son could inflict so much damage on another person. He hadn't said the words out loud, but I could see it in his eyes. I could feel it in the way that he avoided me. I wasn't the son that my father thought I was. I hated disappointing him, but what was done was done. I couldn't take it back now and all that really mattered was that Bella had forgiven me.

So here I was moving in with Alice, I would probably regret it later, but for now I was happy with the decision. Alice hadn't been alone ever and I didn't want her to have to be now. If I had to leave Bella for some reason I would hope that my brothers would step up and watch out for her.

Mine and Bella's relationship had escaladed so quickly and it was strange to think that we only shared our first kiss a month ago. I still hadn't taken her on a date, but that was because I wanted it to be just right. With her mothers death I just felt like it wasn't the right time yet. I had the whole thing planned out to a t, which in hindsight may be why I hadn't asked her yet. I wanted it to be perfect and I was afraid it would fall short. I spoke to Emmett about it, but he didn't see what the big deal was. Actually his exact words were: "You two are way past the first date stage so just skip it and head for home."

He was a guys guy. I knew Bella was nowhere near ready for an intimate relationship and even though Emmett made a little sense I felt like Bella deserved a proper first date. I didn't want to miss out on that memory with her. I didn't want her to think or feel that what we had was less then what it was. Which was everything. What we had was everything to me.

I could see a future with Bella. I could see her as my wife and I could spend my life with her. I wanted her to be the mother of my children….. My thoughts stopped there, would Bella even want another child after Ethan? If she didn't would that matter to me? I always thought I would have children one day and I knew that I would want to be a father, but what if Bella didn't want that?

I shook those thoughts from my head, because either way it didn't matter. Bella was my life and it was only us forever I could live with that.

Alice got everything moved out of the closet and I moved my things in. There second bedroom, my room for now was the size of a master so it was like having my own little apartment. I figured living with Alice would be better then living with my parents. It took me three days to figure out that I might have been wrong about that.

"New shirt?" Bella questioned as we sprawled out on the couch to watch a movie. I rolled my eyes and let out a frustrated sigh.

"Yep." Bella eyed me curiously, no doubt confused by my frustration. I elaborated for her. "Alice has taken it upon herself to be not only my personal shopper, but also my dresser. Every morning my clothes are laid out for me." Bella laughed musically making the ghost of a smile appear on my face.

"That doesn't sound so bad, it isn't like she is putting anything ridiculous out for you." I eyed Bella wondering when she got so…. Relaxed or was it rational.

"It isn't bad, but I am not four. I can pick out my own clothes and I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it were just a shirt and pants, but in true Alice style she has to over do it. She lays out everything, I mean everything. Underwear, socks, shoes, she even puts my wallet and phone on the clothes. It is ridiculous." Bella just smiled at me as I ranted and then as she spoke she looked serious, taking my hand in hers.

"Just let her do it, it is making her happy. It is keeping her mind off things. She is going through a tough time her world is off balance you have to remember that." I stared at the women I loved as her words sunk in. She had grown so much since that day in her fathers garage. "What?" She asked self conscious as I stared at her in awe.

"I love you." The words meant so much, but they still weren't enough to relay what I felt in my heart. In my soul. Bella owned every part of me and I couldn't every make her understand that to the full extent.

Just as we were feeling happiness with one another I could feel something coming. Something that was going to take a lot out of both of us. With uncertainty of what was to come I held my love tight and hoped that we would survive it. We had survived so much so I was sure we could weather the storm that was coming.

**I hope you all enjoyed that chapter, I wanted to tell you that I have posted some outtakes of Bella's life before Edward, just click on my name to get the direct link or you can unscramble the one below. **

**(dot)com/?zx=cac73e3c3fbc21c6**

**Don't forget to review.**


	20. Chapter 20 Just Ride it Out

**Chapter 20**

"**Just Ride It Out"**

**Bella's POV**

I knew before I opened my eyes that it was going to be a bad day. The weight on my chest, the itch running through my veins; it all told me that today would be a horrible day. This day was once a day for celebration, but now it was marked as another year that my child would forever be frozen in time.

_February 14th__. _

If the world wasn't unfair, if my life wasn't a complete mess, and if I hadn't been such a horrible person- Ethan would be turning five today. I would be going into his room and waking him up with a big smile on my face, but instead I wake up knowing that he will never get older, he will never live, because he is gone. I dreamed about him all night, about his round little face filling out and his short stance growing taller. His hair growing longer and his voice getting deeper.

Waking up with the knowledge that it was just a dream was like reliving his death all over again. I didn't want to wake and face reality, but it was obvious I had no choice.

Lying in bed was no longer an option as my stomach rolled and heaved; I had to make a run for the bathroom. I made it to the cold porcelain just in time to empty my stomachs contents. My throat burned from the bile that was nothing more than acid. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and stood clinging to the sink. My heart rate was increased, sweat dripped down my brow, and I knew what the little voice was telling me. It was telling me that I couldn't handle this, that I needed powder courage, and that it was the only way to get through the day. But I would resist, because not once had I ever gotten high on EJ's birthday and today was no different. Plus I had fought against my demons long and hard, I could not give into them now.

Before today I felt like I was healing, like I might just be able to wake up everyday and live life. That being with Edward was giving me a foundation to be happy, but today happiness didn't seem even close to plausible. I washed my hands and face before emerging from the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to head downstairs just yet as I hovered outside of EJ's room. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath I opened the door. The room no longer smelled like baby powder and Ethan. It now smelt like dust and staminate air, further proving to me and my senses that he was gone.

I pulled the blue photo album from the shelf above the changing table and sat down in the overstuffed chair. I took deep calming breaths as I ran my fingers over the cover. I could not bring myself to open it, but the tears were already streaming from my eyes. I knew that if I opened it I would most likely end up a mess on the floor. I swallowed down the next round of bile that tried to assault me and it stung my dry throat.

I scratched at my arms even though there was no real reason that they should itch, my other hand pushed on my chest as if that would help the ache that resided there. I closed my eyes as if that would make my son suddenly appear before me.

A loud commotion from downstairs startled me, and I quickly jumped up out of the chair. I looked out the window to gage what time it was, but it was too cloudy too tell. Startled and wondering what the hell the commotion was I quickly made my way downstairs. The living room was empty, but I could hear voices coming from the kitchen. As I rounded the corner I did a double take as I took in the sight in front of me.

Edward was on his hands and knees wiping up what appeared to be egg yolk. Jacob was shoving pots back into the bottom cabinet and Charlie sat at the kitchen table watching with amusement. My presence did not go unnoticed as they all turned to look at me. I saw the same emotion in all their eyes apprehension; it was no secret as to what today was and what it meant to my emotional state. It appeared that they were taking on a role that my mother usually would and were making my breakfast. I fought back the next round of emotion that tried to hit me as I thought of my mother. This was the first February 14th without her, everyday for the next year would be a first without her. I took a deep breath and shook those thoughts away I couldn't add my grieving for my mother to my grieving for my son. Edward, Jacob, and Charlie all watched me closely as if I was about to shatter into a million little pieces.

I gave them the best smile that I could to assure them that I was fine, but I think it turned out to be more of a grimace and I didn't foul anyone. Edward got up from the floor wiping his hands off and made his way to me. He walked slowly with his hands out as if I was a rabid animal and he wasn't sure if I would attack or not. I really didn't like to be touched, especiallyxz today of all days, because it usually made me more emotional, but with the love reflecting in his eyes I couldn't deny him a hug. He pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around me. I laid my head on his chest and let out a heavy sigh, I couldn't hug him back since I was still clinging to the album, but I leaned against him content. I could hear his heartbeat and it soothed me, hugging Edward was different than hugging anyone else. It was like we were connected and with the slightest contact he could read my emotions and sooth me.

No matter how powerful Edward was I knew that today he wouldn't be able to numb the pain, he would only be able to be there for me and I wouldn't send him away. Having him with me meant more then he could ever know. I felt his breath in my hair and then felt the slight pressure of his lips on my head; I felt the tears brew in my eyes. His touch was so tender and so loving; I didn't feel like I deserved it. I didn't deserve to be loved by him or anyone else. I took a step away from him and he released me hesitantly, I couldn't meet his jade eyes, it was too much. In my quest to avoid Edward's gaze I found Jacob's, he was hovering in the corner shifting from one foot to the other. We hadn't spoken since he left Jasper and Alice's house after Edward fought Demetri, it was the longest in years that we had been apart.

I felt a tug at my heart strings as I watched my best friend and the man that was the only father my son ever knew nervously hover around me. I sighed and made my way over to him and stood in front of him, he looked down at me with his puppy dog eyes and spoke from his heart.

"I am so sorry Bells. I was a mess and I was wrong, please say you can forgive me. I know I was a rotten friend and I said some horrible things, but I am man enough to admit that I was wrong. I was…" He paused taking a deep breath. "Jealous. I just saw my best friend slipping away and falling into another man's arms. It was a horrible feeling and I didn't know how to handle it, but I promise you it won't happen again."

I swallowed hard knowing that I could never go without forgiving my Jacob, he had brought me through too many things, and he had saved me too many times.

"I already forgave you, but I think you should apologize to Edward also." My voice was low, but I knew my father and Edward both could hear me clearly. Jacob glanced over my head and smirked, I almost thought he was going to say something snaky, but when he looked back down at me I could see that it was more of a happy smirk rather than a harmful.

"Already done and he said he would forgive me as long as you did, so it looks like I am forgiven." Jacob smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. I knew that this day was just as hard for him as it was for me. "Here happy fake card invented holiday best friend." Jacob pulled out a small box of conversations hearts and gave them to me. I gave him my best smile, this was a tradition of ours, and Jake had bought me conversations hearts every Valentines day for the past fifteen years.

"Thanks." I mumbled taking them and then turning away from him.

I kissed the top of my fathers head as I walked passed him. I gave Edward a quick peek on the cheek as I headed out of the kitchen. No one asked me where I was going or what I was doing, they just let me go and I was thankful for that.

I went back up to Ethan's room and snuggled up in the chair, I didn't open the album I just sat staring at the cover and daydreaming about his beautiful little smile. I didn't acknowledge that I was crying, but I knew I was, because I always cried.

I couldn't honestly tell you how long I sat in the chair, because I was lost in my mind and in the ache in my heart. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks and the sobs rocking my body, but I couldn't bring myself to calm down or stop thinking about Ethan. I wanted so badly to open up the album, but I was terrified that my heart would rip me in two and I would die a painful death. The fact that I was scared of dying told me that I once again had something to live for and I knew that that something was actually someone.

As if he could read my mind or better yet my soul Edward appeared in the doorway and watched me with concern. I stared at him and knew that I had done it again; I had warped my future with someone else's and wouldn't be able to survive without them. I did it with Ethan and barely survived losing him, now I had done it with Edward and knew if I ever lost him there was no way I would survive.

"Can I join you?" Edward asked quietly as he hovered in the doorway. I nodded not trusting my voice; he made his way over to me and kneeled down in front of me so that we were eye level with each other. He didn't have to speak I could see it all in his eyes; he had intertwined his life and future in with mine also. It made my heart leap with hope and longing, but the pain quickly calmed all that down.

I scooted over so that Edward could join me on the oversized chair, he pulled me into his lap once he was seated and we sat quietly that way for a long while. I was still distraught and hurting, but something about Edward's presence told me that I would be alright, that the pain wouldn't kill me. I looked up at him and saw that he wasn't looking at me, I followed his gaze and my eyes landed on the photos that lined the wall. He was examining them closely in the light of the room. I knew he had seen this room the last time he found me in here, but it had been dark then. It took this for me to realize that I had never shared any pictures with Edward, I hadn't shared very much of Ethan with him at all and I felt bad for that. I let out a heavy sigh as I held the album in my lap; it was an album of firsts that I had scrap booked together for Ethan.

I felt Edward tense under me for a moment and then he started rubbing soothing circles on my back and I knew that he knew how difficult this was for me. Closing my eyes I opened the album to the first page.

**Edward's POV**

The morning of February 14th I made sure my mother had plans with Alice so that she wouldn't be alone with Jasper across seas before I headed over to Bella's. I wasn't sure what to expect out of the day, but I knew it would be emotional. Jacob was there when I arrived and I was surprised to see him since the sky hadn't even lightened up. Charlie and Jacob were in the living room silently staring at the television screen, I could see the anxiety written all over their features, it was left unsaid that they were making sure they were up before Bella. Jacob and I worked out our differences and I told him I could forgive him as long as Bella could and soon we were in the kitchen trying to cook her some breakfast. Jacob claimed to know how to cook, but I quickly realized that wasn't necessarily true.

We ended up causing a lot of noise and a major mess that we thought had woken Bella, but I could tell when she came into the kitchen and had the album clinging to her chest that she had been awake for awhile. I hated that she had been alone even for a moment, but I knew that it was probably the way she wanted it. She didn't spend more then five minutes in the kitchen before she retreated upstairs and we gave up on breakfast since it was obvious that she had no desire to eat.

I felt useless and heartbroken, I didn't know what to do for her, but I knew that I had to do something. I couldn't just sit around while the women I loved was in so much pain, I knew there was no way to take it away, but I hoped I could ease it.

"She likes to be alone until we all head to the cemetery." Jake told me as I stood up to go up and check on my love; I narrowed my eyes at him, because in all honesty who was he to think that he knew more about my Bella than me. Though on this day perhaps he did, because he had spent it with her every year. I was about to sit down when Charlie spoke up.

"Go on up Edward she has been alone enough and I think that if their was anyone she would want to be with it would be you. It is time for change."

I agreed with Charlie it was time for a change, Bella needed to grieve and heal. She had never properly grieved and tried to move forward, Ethan's room was proof of that. It still looked like a child lived in the house and I'm not a professional, but even I am aware that that isn't healing.

I sat holding Bella wishing I could take her pain away and heal her with my touch, when she opened the album. I had just been staring at the picture of her and Ethan on his second birthday wondering what it was like to have a child, what it was like to be father? I tensed sensing her stress and anxiety, but as I took in the photos before me I relaxed. I was staring at the most magical thing I had ever seen in my life.

Bella lying on a bed looking exhausted with a naked baby laid up on her belly umbilical cord still attached. The look in Bella's eye was pure heaven. She looked whole and completely infatuated. The look in her eye in that photo was much different then the other ones, it is obvious that it one was taken before they took Ethan away and then brought him back with troubling news. In the other photos Bella looked distraught and mournful, Charlie, Renee, and Jacob were also in a few of the pictures and they all had the same mournful look on their faces. It was obvious that they held no hope that Ethan would survive.

As Bella flipped through the pages I could see Ethan growing, I could see a slight glimmer of hope making its way into the eyes of his family, with the exception of Bella. She looked happy and loved, but there was this edge to her, it could be seen in her eyes. She was waiting and anticipating the day that would rip her apart. Ethan was a beautiful little boy all smiles and in the pictures he appeared to be the picture of health, other than the paleness to his skin. He was also very skinny, but nothing about him looked terribly ill. There was on photo that stood out the most to me and I longed to have a copy of it. Bella was in a white dress and Ethan was wearing kaki pants with a blue stripped shirt, the sun was shinning putting the glow of a red tint in both Ethan's and Bella's hair; Bella was holding Ethan up in the air above her head and they were staring into each others eyes, it was a emotion captured in a photo. You could see the love, devotion, and life reflecting between their matching brown eyes.

I felt a tear run down my cheek as I stared at it, I couldn't pull my eyes away and I was glad Bella didn't flip the page. She pointed at the picture that I was already staring at and sighed running her finger of Ethan's face, it shattered my heart.

"That day was a great day, one of the best." Her voice broke and it sliced at me.

"Tell me about it?" The words fell roughly from my lips before I could stop them, Bella tensed in my lap and I was about to tell her not to worry about it, but her eyes meet mine stopping all train of thought. She had tears running down her cheeks and I felt one slip from my eyes, she saw it and wiped it away, then turned back to the photo.

"It was Ethan's second Easter; he was one year and two months old. My mother bought five dozen eggs." Bella chuckled thinking back and even though it was a sad laugh it warmed my heart. "The only kid to hunt the eggs was Ethan, but she wanted to make sure he had plenty to find. We did all the holidays over the top in fear that it would be his only and last. We went to the beach since the sun was out and my dad even dressed up like the Easter Bunny, which Ethan was terrified of. We put all five dozen eggs in the sand and pebbles a ways up from the water and let Ethan go crazy gathering them up. I watched from this old dried up driftwood log and I can remember the sun coming down on him and lighting up his face. He held up every egg he found to me before he would put it in his basket. He was so proud of himself and I just sat there watching, because it was almost like he was a normal one year old. I felt like a normal parent watching their baby Easter egg hunt. Once he and Jake gathered all the eggs up he ran up to me and held out a pink one and said: "_mama loves pink, it for mama._" Bella paused as a sob rocked through her and she didn't have to continue I could see what happened next in the picture, she let herself hope and be happy for the day. It was like she said a great day.

We finished the album and Bella got ready and we headed to the cemetery, she carried a stuffed rabbit along with her, clinging to it the whole way. I checked my pocket to make sure I still had both Bella's and Ethan's gifts with me, I knew that Bella most likely wouldn't want to celebrate Valentine's day, but I couldn't help myself. I had found the perfect gift while I was being dragged shopping with Alice and I just couldn't leave the mall without it. I felt a little better when I saw Jacob give her the candy box earlier in the day, but my gift was a bit more expensive and I was worried about how she would react to it.

Charlie, Jacob, Bella, and I made our way to Ethan's graveside together. Bella held my hand tightly and I rubbed it with what I hoped were soothing circles as we stood silently before the tiny grave. Tears fell freely from Bella's eyes and I wanted so badly to kiss them all away, but I resisted. Charlie and Jacob both wore similar expressions to Bella's minus the tears and I am sure Renee had a lot to do with the added emotions this year. She was missing from their family, but I hoped that I filled some void for them all, even Jacob. I wanted to be a part of their family and I wanted to weather the storms along the way, I wanted to be their lifeboat and keep them all above water.

Silently Charlie left the graveside first and then Jake. As I stood alone with Bella I knew that she would want a moment to herself so I pulled out the little black box that was in my pocket I handed it to her. She took it hesitantly and when our eyes meet I could see the confusion through her tear filled brown eyes. I released her hand and nodded for her to open it. I watched her face intently as she opened the box and peered inside.

"One is for you and the other is for Ethan." I explained as she pulled out the two Swallow necklaces, you see I had gotten a glimpse of Bella's tattoos and noticed one was of two Swallow's; what appeared to be a mommy and a baby. Ethan's initials were above it so I knew that it was for him and when I saw the necklaces I couldn't resist getting them for Bella and Ethan. One had a Swallow about the size of a half dollar and the other was about the size of a quarter. Bella stared at them and I saw more tears form in her eyes, I told her to turn them over.

On the backside of Bella's Ethan's initials were engraved along with the phrase "Always on my mind, forever in my heart." On the backside of Ethan's it said "With the wings of an angel I watch over you."

Bella sobbed into my chest and I held her tight brushing her hair back and hoping that I hadn't made a mistake with the necklaces, but when I heard her whisper those three little words I knew I didn't.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Bella." I told her as I kissed the top of her head and then I added the words that I had been thinking since the moment I told her I loved her. "Forever."

Bella dug a small hole at the corner of Ethan's grave just below the tombstone and placed his necklace in the black box and buried it. She kissed two fingers and placed them on the dirt that now held his gift from me.

I stood a little longer with Bella until she asked for a moment alone and then I reluctantly left her side. I felt like I was being ripped in half as I left her alone to grieve on her son's day of birth, but it was what she wanted. I joined Charlie and Jacob back at the car and none of us spoke, we just watched as Bella sat down on the damp ground. Her back was to us, but I could see the sobs rocking her tiny body from where I stood. I took a step forward to go to her, but Charlie held me back.

"Let her have a moment, it is good you want to comfort her, but she needs a minute." Charlie's words weren't meant to be cruel or controlling, they were just the truth. I knew he was right, but it was so hard to watch the woman I loved suffering alone. I took deep breaths trying my damnedest to stay in control and not run to her.

After what felt like a century Bella stood and with a kiss to the top of the tomb she turned and made her way back over to us. I made my way to her quickly and meet her halfway, she gave me a half smile and then buried her face into my side when I wrapped my arm around her waist. My heart ached for her, because our hearts were one. When Bella was happy, I was. When Bella was distraught, so was I. When Bella was heartbroken, I was right there with her. She was my everything, my entire world, she was my life.

_****March 13**__**th**__******_

**Edward's POV**

I heard the click of a door and sat up in Bella's bed, I spent the night holding her close to me. I knew that today would be the hardest day since Ethan's birthday, for today was the anniversary of his death. I wasn't sure what to expect, because Charlie and Jacob told me that they had never seen Bella on this day over the past three years. She always disappeared, Jacob said he would be able to catch up with her at the cemetery, but she would run off as soon as she was aware of his presence. I prayed that today Bella wouldn't want to be alone, I prayed that she would let me stay with her, but as I rose out of the bed I realized that I wasn't going to get what I wanted.

My arms were empty and the room was deserted, I could feel panic rising in my chest and I wanted to scream for her. I wanted her to be here and not off by herself. I trusted Bella, but today would be hard and with her mother's death I worried that she might fall back into old habits that she had abandoned long ago. I hoped that our love was strong enough to steer her away from that, that she had more value on life now than she did then, but I couldn't be sure.

I swung the purple comforter off of me and got out of the bed. The door was shut so I pushed it open slowly, I made my way out the door, Ethan's door was shut and I wondered if Bella was inside. I leaned my ear against the door trying to figure out if I could hear her or not.

"She's not in there." I nearly jumped out of my skin at Jacob's voice; he was leaning against the wall at the top of the stairs. He looked amused.

"Where is she?" I hated having to ask him, I wanted to know where my Bella was and not have to ask Jacob of all people. Things had changed with him; it was like he was moving on, but I still felt the need to mark my territory when it came to Bella. The last month or so he wasn't giving Bella those looks of longing and he didn't have the jealousy rage thing going on. I figured it had something to do with a girl I had seen him with one day; I think her name was Leah. It made it a little easier for him to be around, but I still got the feeling that if I messed up a tiny bit he would swoop in and try to steal her away.

"Cemetery." His voice was softer and his eyes held a sadness that I recognized. I couldn't believe that Bella was already gone to the cemetery it was barely six in the morning. As if Jacob could hear my thoughts he started answering my question. "It was four A.M. when he passed away; I think she is always at the cemetery at that time on this day."

"Oh." I nodded trying to fight off the worry that wanted to take over me. I didn't know what condition Bella was in and I didn't know exactly where she was or what she was doing? If she needed me or not? This indescribable fear tries to take over me when she isn't within arms length and no matter how hard I try I can't let myself calm down until I am sure she is safe. I feel like a crazy person and it only gave me a glimpse of what it must have felt like for Bella to have a child and a mother given death sentences. Waking up everyday knowing that it could be their last. I prayed that I would never have to see Bella's last day, but if one of us had to go first it would need to be me, because I knew Bella nor deserved or could handle that pain again.

"So what were you doing up here?" I asked Jacob after a moment of silence was shared between us.

"I was coming up to grab Charlie's fishing stuff; he and my dad are about to head out." I nodded at his answer and slipped into the bathroom to relieve myself, then went down and sat at the table with Billy, Jacob, and Charlie.

Billy talked about where the fish were biting lately and about new bait that he was trying. I zoned out as I stared out the window watching for Bella, I wanted to go and get her or find her, but knew better. I had to give her a little distance or I was going to push her away.

At least that is what Alice told me. Alice was holding up well with Jasper's absence, but I knew she felt like there was a piece of her missing and she was trying to fill that piece through everyone else. She had taken Bella on a few shopping trips and even gave me endless amounts of relationship advice. I think the best thing that could have happened was that my mom and Rose took her away for a weekend spa getaway. They wanted Bella to join, but this weekend was too emotional and significant for her to run off to Seattle.

I heard Bella's car before I saw it through the kitchen window and it was like a breath of fresh air that I could see blowing towards me. I held my breath waiting for her to come into the house, waiting to see how she was. As I glanced around the kitchen I realized that the other three men in the room were doing the same thing. All four of us stared at the entry way to the kitchen, I heard the front door open and close, and it felt like everything was in slow motion. I knew that today was going to possibly be the worst day I had ever experienced with Bella, but as she rounded the corner my brain couldn't comprehend what was going on.

I could see the streaks on her face from crying and her eyes were red, these two things were no surprise. What shocked the shit out of me was the fact that she smiled at us and then headed over to the fridge. She pulled out what appeared to be a waffle iron and then ingredients to make what I assumed was waffles. All four of us sat completely still and silent as we watched her pour, mix, and stir. It was the most surreal thing and I wondered for a moment if I was in the twilight zone or something. As she poured some batter into the waffle iron and closed it she turned and looked at us for the first time since she walked through the entry way.

"So Billy how are the fish biting these days?" Bella asked casually and we all turned to look at Billy. It was the most natural thing, but shocking coming from her. Especially today. It took Billy a moment to gather himself and pick his jaw up off the floor.

"Umm. I was just telling your old man that they are really biting up near Bear Creek." When he finished speaking we all turned back to Bella, she smiled at him.

"Is that where you two are headed this morning?"

"Yeah we thought we might hit the trail." Billy answered as if it was some sort of trick question.

Bella smiled sweetly and answered before turning back to the waffle iron.

"Well you two be carefully I don't want you fighting any irritable grizzlies up there."

When her back was turned we all four looked at each other in shock.

"What the hell?" Jacob mouthed looking confused. I shrugged and glanced back over at my girl, she was acting awfully strange. I wondered for a moment if she had gotten high or drunk, but then mentally slapped myself for even thinking that.

"Bella?" Charlie question as Bella took the first waffle off the iron and put more batter in.

"Yeah dad?" She kept her back to him as she buttered the first waffle.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine." She answered and it was almost believable, but I caught onto one thing and that was her hands, they were shaking slightly and she clinched the counter top to get them to stop. I realized that one of two things were happing either Bella was pretending or she was trying really hard to be fine, but I knew that if she held back and held it in, it would eventually come out. She would be like a volcano when she finally exploded.

The kitchen became silent and I could practically hear the thoughts of the other three men, but my eyes were on Bella. I got up from my spot without even thinking and made my way over to her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and leaned down kissing her check. I did all this without thinking about it, it just came natural. She tensed up at first, but then relaxed completely into me. I held her tight as she took another waffle off and poured more batter in.

Ten minutes later we sat down at the table and I ate the best waffles of my life. I watched Bella closely though and she seemed to be holding together alright, but I was afraid she was pretending. Charlie and Billy left a little bit later and I could see Charlie pleading with me through his brown eyes that matched Bella's, to take care of her. Jacob and Bella shared a few words and then he also left. I stood in the living room with Bella, our arms wrapped around each other. I could smell her all around me and it was an intoxicating scent. I could also smell the rain in her hair and the outdoorsy smell from the cemetery. She sighed into my chest and I got the feeling that she was enjoying my smell as well. We were a strange pair, but I believed we were made for one another.

"Edward would you go with me to the cemetery?" Her voice was low, but I managed to hear her and I didn't even have to think about it.

"Of course my love."

Bella was quiet all the way to the cemetery, but I could tell that something was on her mind. I could sense that their was something she was dying to share with me, but couldn't find the words or was too afraid to speak out loud. I waited patiently for her and like usually my Bella delivered.

"If I tell you something do you promise not to think I am crazy? I mean crazier then you already think I am." She sighed as she kept rambling I stopped her by squeezing her hand.

"Love, you can tell me anything and I won't think anything negative of you." I promised her and she nodded as she collected her thoughts.

"Umm this is the first time I have been sober on this day. I mean last year I had cleaned up, but I relapsed." I rubbed soothing circles on her hand as she admitted her faults, but a part of me was nervous that perhaps that had happened again. "Anyway, I went and visited EJ like usually, only I was sober this time and well." She stopped there and I was suddenly feeling rather intense with dread, she was scaring me.

"I am listening." I assured her and she finally spit the words out.

"When I was high I would hear EJ's voice and well today I was sober and I still heard it. He spoke to me and it was so clear and his words were so powerful and I just feel this hope that I didn't feel before. I can't explain it, but I had to tell someone and you're the only someone I really wanted to tell. I just don't want you to think I am crazy for hearing voices." She was nervous I could tell by the way she rambled and the way her cheeks lit up like a red delicious apple. I pulled into the cemetery and put the car in park, I waited for her eyes to meet mine. I reached over and caressed her apple cheek.

"Bella I could never think that you are crazy. I love you so much. What did Ethan tell you?" She smiled at me and then shook her head.

"He told me lots of stuff."

She didn't add anymore to that and I didn't push for more. I took her hand in mine and we walked to the small grave once again. We had been here together twice since Ethan's birthday and I have to say that it doesn't get easier. Seeing his small grave and staring at the tombstone with the woman I love's child's name on it is hard to bare, but I would bare it for her any day. Bella fingered the necklace that I gave her for Valentine's Day and I could see her staring at Ethan's. With Bella's permission I had Ethan's necklace placed in his tombstone. I had a hole drilled in it and then positioned the Swallow in it so that it spun in the wind and you could see the front and back of it by turning it. Bella loved it and I was happy that she let me do that for her.

Bella's calm melted away as she stared down at the resting place of her only child, she couldn't pretend or hold anything back. I held her while she cried and she held me tight not letting me leave her alone. She wanted me there while she whispered the words that ached in her heart and soul. I listened to her tell Ethan how much she missed him and how she wished he was here. I could feel something coming, something building, it was like the atmosphere was shifting and at first it scared me, but I could tell as the sky opened up and the sun peeked out that it was a pleasant thing. Not a nightmare.

Then it hit with her words and my heart break, soared, and melted all in one.

"I am going to try and be happy just as you wanted me to be. Mommy loves you and always will. Always on my mind and forever in my heart."

I felt a single tear roll down my face as I realized that Bella was moving forward, she was trying to heal. The shift in the atmosphere was her taking that step forward and she did it in my arms. I held her tighter letting her know that I was here with her and I would be there for her no matter what. Bella and I were going to be okay and we were going to be together.

We made it through the two days that were the hardest of the year for her and I knew that our love had a lot to do with that. In that moment I was certain that we could survive anything.

Bella did just what she told Ethan she was going to do, she tried to be happy.

**Outtakes for Bella's life before Edward have been posted and I have more to post. Click link to read them. If the link below doesn't work I also have it on my profile page, I am going to post some more here in a bit.**

**http://siouttakes(DOT)blogspot(DOT)com/?zx=cac73e3c3fbc21c6**

**Oh & Bella's tattoo is found here**

http://aboutlauralu(DOT)blogspot(DOT)com/


	21. Chapter 21 Scab on the Wound

**This chapter is dedicated to my Beta, Elli. I don't even know how you all put up with my grammar mistakes for twenty chapter, lol. Thanks for putting up with it, but hopefully from now on they won't be as bad. **

**Also today is mine and my husbands 4 year wedding anniversary, so happy anniversary baby. (He is working that is why I am on here.)**

**Thank you all for reviewing and I just wanted to give you all a heads up that we are getting close to the end. I know it is sad, but don't be too upset we aren't there yet. **

**Chapter 21**

"**Scab on a Wound"**

_**~6 Months Later~**_

**Bella's POV**

My eyes watered and my sides ached as I laughed, really laughed. It was so carefree and uplifting and the fact that Edward was by my side made it all the better.

The past six months had passed rather quickly and I found that each day was a little easier than the last; the pain wasn't completely gone and a day didn't go by that I didn't think of EJ or my mother. However, it was getting easier and I felt myself healing. Edward and I spent every second we could together and he even taught me the ins and outs of his job, letting me tag along with him on out of town trips. I also worked alongside him on the bar in Forks, which was no longer an empty lot. It was almost complete and the opening was schedule for November 1st, only two weeks away, and it still didn't have a name.

Edward tried once again to somehow name it after me, but Rose kindly explained to him that naming a bar after a recovered alcoholic wasn't a good idea. I thanked her for that, because it was true. Though Edward's argument was that it was no longer a bar, it was a place for entertainment. It was a really nice set up and I loved that it meant that he could spend more time in Forks. We hadn't talked a whole lot about plans, but I was sure that it was coming, because we were getting very serious. Not that Edward and I were ever not serious. We were in love before our first date, which we finally had five months ago, and Edward was a perfect gentleman. He took me on a picnic at the same park we went to on our first non-date; he also got me some Nebel's Rainbow flowers, the ones that I had admired on our first outing together. It was all perfect and Edward ended the night with a passionate kiss that left me breathless. The last six months have held many nights like that. I found myself aching and craving Edward in ways that I have never needed anyone. He brings out emotions in me that can't be explained. Though we still weren't sexually active I could tell it was coming, but I was just scared, because that was what changed things with Demetri. I knew that Edward would never be like that, but the scared naïve girl in me wouldn't let it go and allow me to feel him in every way. I knew it had to be driving Edward crazy, he was a man after all, but I just wasn't ready.

Anyway, back to the side splitting laughing; it was caused by our newest game as our small group hung out in the bar. We were trying to think of names for the bar and Emmett was coming up with the funniest responses. We all sat on the dance floor in a small circle like we were junior high kids playing spin the bottle or something, but it was nice and chill. Emmett was laid back with his hands behind his head and Rose was sitting next to him with her legs over his stomach, Jacob was sitting with his arms wrapped around his girlfriend Leah, Alice sat leaning back on her arms with her legs crossed. I could tell by the distant look in her eyes that she wished that Jasper was here. He had come home on his rest and recovery last month for two weeks, which left Alice only longing for him more. She had a countdown going though and he would be home in a few months. Edward was behind me leaning back on his hands and his legs were spread with me between them. Every now and then he would sit up and move my hair and place small kisses on my neck, which would ignite a fire in me that couldn't be extinguished. I loved Edward with every fiber of my being and I knew I had him to thank for the happiness I felt in my heart, he kept the darkness at bay and the sadness on the back burner. Not every day was perfect and I still had trouble getting out of bed some mornings, but the scale was starting to tip in his favor and I was doing my best to be happy.

"Oh I got it." Emmett bellowed again as we were just coming out of a wave of laughter. There were groans and eye rolls from the group as he sat up to look at us all, a mischievous look in his eyes and a huge grin on his face. "Liquor Gina's".

Another round of laughs sounded out as Edward shook his head quickly, I shied away shyly, like I usually did when sexual topics came about, I hadn't shared the full extent of my sexual nightmares from Demetri with Edward yet, but I knew one day I would have to.

"You get it, like lick her vagina, lick-her Gina," Emmett explained, thinking that we didn't get his nasty little joke.

"We got it dude," Jacob said, tossing his shoe at him.

"Ewe, gross, your feet smell like wet dog," Rose said, moving away from Emmett and Jacob's smelly shoe. We all laughed as Jacob narrowed his eyes at her.

"Yeah, well, your roots are showing," Jacob teased, gesturing towards her hair. Rose tried to keep her composure for two seconds before she pulled a small mirror out of her purse. I laughed so hard I thought I would be sick. Being with them was so easy and they made life so much more worth living.

I couldn't help the small amount of guilt that washed over me; I could never escape the fact that I was happy in a world that didn't involve my beautiful baby boy. I knew it wasn't sensible that I felt guilty, but it was how I felt; I couldn't help it. My therapist, yes I am seeing a therapist now, Edward suggested it and under the persuasion of his emerald eyes I couldn't deny him. Anyway Eleazer, my therapist, says that I put a shield around myself and that shield holds onto all these negative emotions and tries to repeal the positive ones. Which is why I have a hard time letting myself be happy, but I have no problem feeling sad or guilty. He explained it with bigger words and more logic, but that is pretty much what he was trying to say. Some days I wake up hating myself, because I am experiencing things that Ethan never got to or stood a chance to do. Like love and good friends, these are things he didn't live long enough to experience.

"You alright?" Edward whispered, stopping my train of thought. He put his hand over mine that was covering the necklace of the swallow that he gave me. I nodded my head and looked up into his eyes.

"I'm fine." I smiled and reached up meeting his lips. Butterflies and warmth spread throughout my stomach and I didn't want to pull away, I wanted to wrap myself around him and cling to him for dear life. I almost forgot that we weren't alone until I heard someone clear their throat- I assumed it was Jacob. Edward pulled back and smirked down at me, my cheeks blazed with heat and I shrugged my shoulders. Edward chuckled, pulling me to his chest and holding me tight.

"I love you so much," he whispered as he kissed the top of my head.

"I love you, too, always."

"Forever," he added and I smiled.

"Well, there goes the name game," Alice said, sounding sad and I looked up to see her staring down at her hands. I glanced around at everyone else and they were lost in their significant others eyes. I felt bad for being so close to Edward when Alice was alone. We had bonded and I felt like she was a sister to me, her pain was my pain, in truth, I wouldn't know what to do if I was her. Having my husband across seas and his life in danger day in and day out. It had to be stressful and lonely. I pulled out of Edward's arms and crawled over to her; she looked up at me and gave me a reassuring smile. "Don't stop on my account."

I chuckled, because you could tell she wanted us to do just that. I threw an arm over her shoulder and gave her a half hug.

"Hey Alice, what do you say to some adventure tonight?" I asked looking into her dull eyes; they didn't seem to shine as bright with Jasper gone. I couldn't wait for him to come back so that she would go back to the bright-eyed beauty I knew and loved.

"I don't want to be a third wheel." She shook her head, picking at the hem of her shirt and sticking out her bottom lip. I knew she truthfully did, Alice didn't care about being a third wheel, she was baiting me.

"You're not the third wheel," Jacob chimed. "You're the seventh wheel."

"Oh, wow, he knows how to count," Rose sneered.

"Yep, I am talented. I can also do amazing things with these," Jacob smirked, wiggling his fingers in the air. Leah backhanded his chest, disgusted; she was a quiet girl, but she kept him in line.

"You're such a dog," Rose sighed and I tried to regain the conversation and their attention.

"Anyway." They all looked at me in apology and I turned back to Alice. "There is this place that Jake and I used to go as kids and I think it would be a ton of fun, but…" I let it drop, this time baiting Alice; she perked up and bounced a little.

"But what?" She asked curious.

"We will need to change into something a little more outdoorsy." Alice smiled at that and she looped her arm through mine.

"I think I can handle that."

Bring up cloths and you can get Alice distracted from her sad thoughts, but then you have to endure makeover Alice. After two hours of Alice going over a detail of what everyone needed to go home and change into, we all met up at La Push beach. Alice had made me go back to her and Jasper's house so she could get me ready. I was now dressed in skinny jeans with UGG boots over them and a sweater covered by a leather jacket. Alice and Rose were wearing close to the same things.

"So where are we going? What are we doing?" Alice asked in a rushed voice bounding up and down. I glanced at Jake and we shared a secret look.

"Follow me," Jake said, wrapping his arm around Leah and heading down the beach. Rose and Emmett fell in behind him. Not wanting to leave Alice out, I pulled her between Edward and I. We both wrapped our arms around her and headed after the others. Edward smiled over her head at me and I could tell he was proud of me for distracting his sister-in-law.

We walked along the beach to the sound of the waves hitting the bank and the night creatures in the forest that edged the beach. It was quiet and the stars could be seen above us; it was a beautiful night. Alice leaned her head against my shoulder and I laid mine on top of hers. I felt Edward's fingers brush the skin between my shirt and pants, letting me know he was there, as if I could forget. I loved him and Alice both, they were my strength, they held me together and helped me move forward.

"Are we there yet?" Emmett complained, causing us all to chuckle as Rose smacked the back of his head.

"You sound like the twins, couldn't tell that it was a beautiful moment of silence and you just interrupted the serenity of it." I smiled, loving how demanding and motherly Rose was even when she was away from her children. I had started to spend more time with her also, it was a little harder, because seeing her with her children was a stab to the heart, but I was trying to push past it. I wanted to be able to look at a child and be happy for their parents, but most of the time I just pitied myself. I thought of how unfair it is that they still have their children and I don't have my Ethan.

I quickly pushed those feelings back, not wanting to deal with them tonight. The tide pools came into view and Alice squealed in excitement.

"I love tide pools!" She gushed hugging me and then running forward to get a closer look. Edward kissed my head and continued after Alice; I hung back and sat down on an old piece of driftwood and watched them. They all looked so amazed and intrigued by them. I felt an elbow jolt me and looked up to see Jake standing over me.

"This seat taken?" He asked with his wolfy grin.

"It is now," I said scooting over for him. He threw his arm over my shoulders and we watched with amusement as Edward picked up Alice and Emmett picked up Rose, they pretended to throw them into the water. Leah was captivated with a small tide pool and ignoring us all. She planned on being a marine biologist someday and was fascinated with the water and the life in it.

"You remember the first time we were out here together?" Jake asked, crossing his ankles and looking up at the stars.

"How could I forget? I almost died; it was the first time you saved me." I glanced up at him and he looked down at me. I loved Edward, but Jacob would always be my best friend. He would always be the one that saved me first.

"Yeah, it was and I have tried to save you ever since, but now it isn't my place anymore," he sounded sad, but hopeful about that fact. "Edward is good for you, Bells and I think you should let your walls down and let him in completely. He has been patient, but you can't keep him out forever." I knew Jacob was referring to all the things I hadn't fully explained about my relationship with Demetri to Edward, but I was scared. I was scared that he would be disgusted with me and no longer love me.

"I know." I sighed keeping my fears to myself, but it didn't matter because Jake knew me too well.

"It won't change anything; I see the way he looks at you. You two are lifers." Jake released my shoulders and pumped my arm. I gave him the best smile I could, because I hoped he was right, because without Edward my life would end.

"What are you two smiling about?" Emmett asked kicking Jacob's legs as the group joined us. Edward smiled at me as he approached.

"Oh I was just recalling a certain story from high school." Jake joked as he gave me a sideways glance.

"Jake," I warned, not wanting him to tell the embarrassing story.

"Oh, this is going to be good," Emmett said, rubbing his hands together and sitting on a large rock. Alice came up and squished her way between me and Jacob, ready for the story. I stood up and let Edward sit down; he pulled me into his lap. I turned and hid my face in his chest.

"Is it that bad, love?" He asked, moving my hair so that he could kiss my forehead. I nodded and he chuckled.

"It isn't bad Bells, it is just funny," Jake chuckled and began the story. "Every year before school starts, there is a huge bonfire up on the beach and everyone from Forks and La Push High Schools come out here to cut loose before another year of school." Everyone listened closely as Jake told the story. "My sisters Rebecca and Rachel were seniors when Bella and I were going into freshman year so they convinced us to come to the bonfire. I was all for it, but it took a little convincing to get Bella here, but she ended up agreeing. When we first stepped foot on the beach I hung to Bella's side, intent on protecting her from all the big bad seniors, but as the night carried on we ended up getting separated.." I interrupted him there.

"No." I looked up shaking my head and everyone glanced at me. "We did not end up getting separated. Tell the story the 'right way'." I used air quotes as I repeated the words, or rather lies, he told.

"I don't know what you're talking about Swan." I arched an eyebrow at him and everyone looked between us, amused and confused.

"Fine, I will tell them; I ditched him when he started shoving his tongue down Stanley's throat. It was gross; I thought she was going to take her top off right there in front of everyone." Jacob ducked his head in embarrassment, being with Jessica Stanley was nothing to be proud of.

"Wait, Stanley?" Emmett questioned, looking like the name rang a bell with him.

"You know, the blonde, Jessica; she works at the grocery store," Rose explained and then Alice added.

"Yeah the one with the horrible highlights and no sense of style."

"Oh," Emmett said, recognition taking over him and then he laughed. "The one that Edward fucked on the…" He stopped right there as Rose smacked him in the back of the head. I closed my eyes shaking that thought away as I recalled the Christmas party where I found out that Edward and Jessica joined the mile high club.

"Idiot," Edward spit, stroking my hair and checking to see if I was alright.

"Anyway, he was making out with Stanley, so I wondered off. That is what he means by separated," I continued on ignoring Emmett's little slip up because it was an unwritten rule that we didn't talk about Edward's past flings or fucks, whatever he called them.

"Doesn't matter how or why we got separated, but we did." Jake shook his head, continuing. "Then the next thing I knew, some girl was running up the beach yelling that someone fell into the tide pools, so of course my first thought is Bella. When I realize she was gone, because, let's face it, it is a legit concern, I took off towards these exact pools and found a senior with blonde hair climbing out. I think 'oh, good, it wasn't her,' but then I realize everyone is still freaking out. After about a second of scanning the pools, I find Bella caught up in the current and I didn't think; I just dove in and swam out to her. The waves were beating against me and the water was freezing, but all I could think of was that Charlie was going to run me down if I let anything happen to her. I finally got to her and somehow we got up on shore, but to my surprise, she isn't scared, she is pissed and embarrassed. She gets up, ignoring everyone's concern, and marches over to the blonde senior and before I could realize what was going on, she shoves him back into the water."

Everyone started laughing and I couldn't help but laugh along with them.

"Why did you shove him in?" I was surprised when Leah asked; she was so quiet I almost didn't recognize her voice.

"The first time or the second time?" I laughed, shrugging. I could feel Edward's deep laugh vibrating through my back.

"How about both, little miss badass," Emmett teased.

"Well, the first time was because he tried to kiss me and the second was for taking me in with him the first time."

Everyone laughed and we spent the rest of the evening sharing a few more stories from each of our high school days. All of my stories involved Jacob and all of his stories involved me. It was the same way for Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Edward, and Jasper: all of them were in each other's stories. Even though Jasper wasn't there stories of him were, and I think that helped Alice through the night and until she got a message, letter, or phone call from him.

A few days later I came home from my appointment with Eleazer to find my father on the couch, laughing, Sue Clearwater sat across from him, smiling and laughing along with him. I watched the two curiously, Sue's husband, and my father's good friend, Harry passed away three months prior and I think the two were helping each other heal. They both lost their spouses, their loves and were now trying to build themselves back up and move on. It warmed my heart, but at the same time I felt a twinge of heartbreak seeing my father with another woman besides my mother in our living room. It tore at my heartstrings and I didn't stay in the room long, I went right up to Ethan's room and let myself in. I looked around at all his things and knew that the words that Eleazer had said today were true; I wasn't grieving and moving on. I was just hiding behind my love for Edward.

I knew then what I had to do - I had to pack up Ethan's room. I went to the garage and gathered as many boxes as I could and brought them up to the room. Charlie didn't ask any questions as he saw me lugging them up the stairs; he knew this time would come one day. Tears streamed down my face as I caressed everything that I boxed up and as I closed the last box, I fell to the floor as painful sobs rocked through me. I had just packed up all that was left of my son in boxes; the room was bare other than the baby blue walls.

I must have cried myself to sleep, because the next conscious thing I realized was waking up in my bed. I was still in my clothes, my eyes were itchy, and there was a glass of water on the nightstand next to my bed. Someone, most likely Charlie, had carried me to bed. I closed my eyes tight and let out a heavy breath that ached in my throat due to all the crying. A shuffling sound caused me to open my eyes; Edward was sitting in the chair in the corner of my room. It felt a lot like déjà vu.

"Hey," he said, getting up slowly and making his way towards me.

"Hi." I smiled and moved over so he could lay down with me. As soon as he was on the bed, I welded myself to him and buried my face into his chest. I took deep breaths of him and got lost in his scent - everything about Edward calmed me.

"You alright?" He whispered as he stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head, so sweet and so gentle.

"I am now."

We laid like that for an immeasurable amount of time before Edward's phone started ringing. He glanced at the screen and groaned; I peeked over to see Alice's name flashing on the screen. He looked down at me and gave me a small smile as he answered it.

"Hello." He sounded irritated. "I know Alice, I will be there soon." He paused and then rolled his eyes. "I will ask her, but it is up to her." He hung up the phone and I watched him run his hands down his face.

"What is going on?" I asked, leaning up and framing his face with my hands.

"Apparently, I absolutely cannot miss the family dinner tonight and I am expected to bring you along," he answered and poked my nose, then added quickly. "But if you aren't feeling up to it we can just stay here and say we forgot." I chuckled and shook my head.

"Don't be silly, I love family dinners." I smiled at him and leaned forward, capturing his perfect lips. It didn't take long for him to flip us over so that he was on top of me and his hands were roaming down my neck and arms. I could feel my arousal between my thighs and I could feel his against my stomach and I wanted him, but the flashes started.

_Demetri painfully slamming into me. Demetri forcing himself on me and claiming me as his. Demetri calling me names and hitting me, because I didn't do it the way he liked. _

I pushed Edward off of me and got off the bed, I glanced over to see him breathing hard lying on his back. He had his arm over his face and I knew that I wasn't being fair to him. Edward was a man and men have needs. I wanted so badly to make him feel good, but I couldn't do that yet. I wanted to, but the skeletons in my closet were making it impossible.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to him as I turned and went into my closet to find something to wear. I could feel the tears trying to escape, but I held them back. I jumped slightly when I felt his arms wrap around my waist - I hadn't heard him enter the room. I could feel his breath on my neck near my ear; he moved my hair and whispered.

"Bella, you have nothing to be sorry for, I will wait forever for you. I love you and I never want to do anything that you aren't ready for." I closed my eyes tight and leaned into him; Edward really was too good to be true. I knew he had his faults and a past that wasn't the prettiest, but with me he was an angel.

"I love you," I whispered, as I grabbed his arm that was wrapped around me.

"Forever."

"You came," Alice said, bouncing with an excitement that I hadn't seen since Jasper left. I smiled at her and she embraced me in a bone-crushing hold. I chuckled and patted her back.

Edward cleared his throat and Alice released me and turned on him. She hugged him tight and he chuckled in amusement.

"What has gotten into you, little sis?" Edward asked as she pulled away and led us towards the dining room where everyone was just sitting down for dinner.

"Oh, Bella, how wonderful to see you," Esme gushed with motherly love. I smiled and greeted her. Everyone was present at dinner: Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, the twins, and Alice. I also didn't miss the fact that everyone seemed to be in a great mood, their moods seemed to rub off on me and the events of the day moved to the back of my mind. We were about halfway through dinner when Alice and Rose spoke at the same time.

"I have news!" Alice.

"We have news!" Rose, with her hand on Emmett's shoulder. Everyone chuckled and Carlisle looked between the two girls. Rose waved Alice on and we all turned to her. She had a huge grin on her face as she bounced up and down.

"I'm pregnant," she blurted out and the room was silent for all of five seconds before the squealing started. I sat still in my chair, trying to figure out what I was feeling. I watched as Edward jumped out of his chair and scooped Alice up in a big hug, Esme and Carlisle following.

"Wait a minute." Emmett's voice boomed over the excitement and everyone turned to look at him. "Who is the father?" We all laughed, thinking he was joking, but he waited for an answer.

"Emmett, don't be stupid, I got pregnant last month when Jasper was home on R&R," Alice said, slapping his shoulder and he looked like a giant light bulb clicked on, and then he smiled and hugged Alice.

"Me too!" Rose squealed and everyone turned to look at her, not understanding at first. "Emmett and I are having another baby!"

The squeals started again, and everyone was up hugging and jumping around, but I stayed in my seat. I felt like I was stuck in a fog that I couldn't find my way out of. I couldn't connect with an emotion, I couldn't figure out how to feel about what was going on around me.

Then, as if I had said something out loud, everyone turned to look at me as I sat quietly at the table. Their excited faces turned to ones of pity and sorrow. I hated that I was making them feel this way on such a joyous day. I couldn't even look at Edward; I just plastered a fake smile on my face and made myself get up. I hugged Alice, congratulating her, and then moved on to Rose and Emmett. Once that was done, I excused myself. I ignored Edward calling after me as I went into the same bathroom that I had entered on so many occasions at the Cullen household.

I rinsed my face with water and then stared at myself in the mirror. I tried to bring myself back from the zombie feeling that was taking over, because I wanted to be a normal friend and be happy for Alice and Rose. I wanted to be a normal person and not have a mental breakdown over someone having a baby. There were so many things I wanted and didn't even know it until this moment.

**Edward's POV**

I didn't even think about how it would make Bella feel as the words left Alice's mouth and then followed by Rose. I was just so happy for my brothers and their wives. I loved kids and I knew that my parents loved them also. Adding to the family was always a joyous occasion, but we didn't take in account Bella's feelings. As this hit me, I turned to look at Bella; she was sitting at the table and her face was emotionless. I let out a heavy sigh as I felt a weight on my chest; everyone glanced at me at the sound and then followed my eyesight to Bella.

She seemed to notice us all watching her and she faked a smile and put on a mask. We all saw through it and, as she walked away from me, towards the bathroom, I felt like I had just lost a part of her. Like we had just lost a piece of her progress and I hated that. I hated the mixed emotions running through me. I was so excited and happy, but so discouraged and worried at the same time.

I didn't bother knocking on the door I just leaned against the wall and waited for my love to come out. Of all the days for my sister in laws to announce they are pregnant they pick the day that Bella packed up Ethan's room. It broke my heart when I found her passed out on the floor sniffling and soaked with tears. The past six months had been the most amazing of my life. Bella had done a good job of keeping her promise to Ethan; she was trying to be happy, I made her happy and she returned that ten fold. I loved Bella more than my life and I knew that I always would. I had watched her grow and finally begin to grieve properly; we were moving forward. She was growing and I was a part of that. I realized that some things would take more time, I didn't know the full extent of Bella's intimate past, but I knew it was traumatic. I never thought that I could go so long without sex, but I found it was easier doing it for the one I loved. Not saying that it wasn't painful or frustrating at times. Blue balls suck and whacking off gets old, but for Bella, I could deal with it. I just hoped that one day she would look at me and only see me, that she would be able to only feel the love in my touch, and have no fear. I hoped that one day I could worship her body in ways that she didn't know existed, but for now I would wait. The bathroom door creaked open and I stepped towards her. She smiled at me and it was a real smile. I looked at her, confused.

I was expecting sadness, grief, pain, but not this. Bella was full of surprises. I stroked her cheek and she leaned into my touch.

"Are you okay?" I asked, still confused.

"Yeah." She nodded. "I was just shocked."

I watched her as she intertwined her hand in mine and pulled me back towards the dining room. Everyone was seated at the table with mixed emotions, dessert sat in front of them, all untouched. Every eye landed on us as we entered the room, I glanced down at Bella to read her emotion. She gave my family an apologetic smile and took her seat.

"Sorry about that," Bella said, waving her hand around as her cheeks flushed. "It has been a long day and I didn't mean to get all freakella on you all." I watched her, amazed by how much she had grown in the time that I had know her. She was truly amazing.

"That is quite alright dear," my mother assured her and patted her hand.

"Bella, I should apologize, I didn't think…" Alice was upset; she was blaming herself for not seeing this. Bella shook her head quickly and interrupted her.

"Alice stop that right now! You have nothing to be sorry for, I just had a moment, and it is fine. Everyone can't walk on egg shells around me; I was just caught by surprise." Bella smiled. "I am truly happy for you, all of you" She glanced at Rose and Emmett. "Babies are beautiful blessings."

Everyone was silent for a moment before Emmett interrupted it with his booming laugh. We all stared at him, waiting for an explanation and he didn't disappoint.

"Freakella." We all laughed along with him and ate our dessert. Then, just like that, the night was restored, but I kept an eye on Bella, watching for any sign of distress. She was my world, and if she was upset, I wanted to be there to help her through it.

"Hey, are you up for another stop?" I asked Bella as we pulled out of my parent's driveway.

"Yeah, where are we going?"

"You'll see," I told her as I headed for the bar, which was now turning into more of an entertainment spot. The opening was coming up fast and I still hadn't named it.

Bella had a hard day and I wanted to do something to cheer her up before I said goodnight. I hated the idea of her going to bed with the way the night had ended. Sure, she had cleaned it up and seemed fine, but I knew her well enough to know there was more going on inside her than she was letting on.

Bella teased me when we reached the bar, and I let her. Once inside, I sat her down in a chair in front of the stage and pulled out my guitar. Her eyes lit up; she loved it when I played. Tonight, I planned on singing the song I wrote for her, I had only sung it once before to her on the phone, but I was pretty sure she fell asleep before she could really hear it.

I stared into her eyes as I started to play.

_I close my eyes and see her face_

_She takes everything's place._

_Her eyes are like sweet chocolate_

_Her walls built so high and her heart is in pieces._

_But every night she fills my dreams and she is everything to me._

_I want to hold her tight_

_I want her darkness to fade to light_

_Everything with her just feels so right_

_I'll love her for life_

_She is my one and only_

_My forever soul_

_When the dark fades to light, everything will be all right_

_I'll tear those walls down _

_And put the pieces of her heart back together_

_Because she takes everything's place_

_I close my eyes and see your face_

_You take everything's place_

_Your eyes are like sweet chocolate_

_Your walls built so high, your heart is in pieces_

_But every night you fill my dreams, you are everything to me_

_I promise to hold you tight and make everything all right_

_You are everything to me_

_My heart…..My soul…..My love…..My everything_

I stared into Bella's sweet chocolate eyes the whole time I sang and I felt my heart soar as I saw loving tears roll down her flushed cheeks. She was everything to me and I meant every word I sung. I put my guitar down and went over to her, she hugged me tight.

"You wrote that for me?" She asked, almost shyly.

"Yes," I told her as I brushed back her hair and kissed her forehead. She sighed, content.

"It was beautiful."

"You're beautiful."

Her smile was infectious and I was mesmerized by her, she was happy. Bella was beautiful, but add a smile to her face and she became an enchanting angel.

"You're happy." The words left my mouth as we laid side by side on the floor staring into each others eyes.

"You make me happy," she whispered ,tracing my lips with her finger. She looked so perfect in the moonlight that shone through the window.

"So everything is good?" I questioned, hoping that she was alright with all the things that were happening around us. It had been a long day and I could tell that she was dealing with it well, but I was still concerned for her.

"Everything is great," she said, leaning in and pressing her lips to mine. My body ignited with the electric current that only she could cause in me. Just as I was about to deepen the kiss, she pulled back and stared into my eyes.

"Eclipse." The single word fell from her lips and I had no idea what it meant, but I could hear the weight behind the word.

"Eclipse?" I asked after trying to read her eyes and not finding a comprehendible answer. She smiled widely and nodded her head.

"Eclipse." She held out her hand and gestured to the bar.

Oh, she is naming the bar.

_Eclipse. Eclipse. Eclipse._

"Eclipse? That is a strange name for a bar Bella," I smiled at her playfully and she smiled back.

"Well." She glanced down, fiddling with my shirt and then looked at me from under he lashes. "You wanted to name it after me and, in a way, you would be if you named it Eclipse."

"How is that?" I asked, rubbing her cheek, wanting to see inside that beautiful head of hers.

"You are my eclipse, you cover up the pain, you come into the darkness and take it all away, only to leave the sunshine in your wake. You eclipse my pain, sorrow, and grief."

"Eclipse," I said, as I looked around the bar, already seeing more ideas play out in my head. I could already see the posters and the art work; I leaned over and kissed Bella chastely.

"We have work to do," I told her, excited that she had such a big part in my new adventure and loved knowing that I affected her the way I always hoped to.

Bella was my everything and I was hers in return.

**Please review, it makes me feel loved. **

**Tell me what you would like too see or what you want more of in the last few chapters. I can't promise that any of it will happen, but I like hearing where you think it is going. I already know, so it isn't going to change, but I still want to hear your thoughts. **


	22. Chapter 22 The Talk

**This chapter isn't Beta'd, I didn't want you all to have to wait any longer, enjoy and review, please.**

**Chapter 22**

"**The Talk"**

**Edward's POV**

Bella's body was below mine and I could feel the heat coming off or her. I continued my assault on her lips and trying not to grind into her small hot body. We were on my bed in Alice's house, I knew we were getting to the point where she would pull away and I respected that. However, it did not stop me from savoring every piece of her I could get. Bella tasted amazing, everything about her lured me in. She smiled more lately and that only fueled my longing for her. I was after all a man and I couldn't help reacting to her, but I suffered through it. My balls were aching for a release and sure enough like ever other time Bella pulled away from my lips panting and gave me a sorrowful smile. I kissed her nose lightly and rolled off her to lay on my back. I suitably adjusted my hard on and tried not to groan at the need for friction. I tried to think of anything that would make it go away, but with Bella so close to me nothing was working.

"I'm sorry," Bella whispered in the quiet room. She always fucking apologized and frankly, it was annoying. She shouldn't have to apologize.

"Bella," I said softly, raising onto my side and placing my hand on her cheek. She rolled her head over so that our eyes were connected. "You have nothing to apologize for, it is okay. When you are ready I will be too, but until then just please stop apologizing."

She let out a heavy sigh and threw her hands over her face in exasperation. I shook my head and moved towards her so that I could remove her hands from her beautiful face.

"Love, talk to me." She reluctantly moved her hands and her face flushed.

"I am just so….um… confused, I guess, "she shook her head in exasperation. I pulled her to me so that she could lay her head on my chest.

"What are you confused about?" I stroked her hair to comfort her the only way I knew how.

"All these feelings inside of me, I am experiencing things I have never experienced. I want to be with you in that way, but I am afraid. It is all fear and I can't rise above it to just give myself to you completely." I could hear the tears in her voice and after a moment, I could feel them dropping off her face and onto my shirt.

I kissed the top of her head and held her tight making sure she knew that it was all right to cry on me. I didn't know what to say or do to make things better or easier for her. I wanted her in every way possible, but I knew I had to be patient with her. If it were anyone else in the world, I would have walked away, but this was my Bella and I could wait out anything to be with her.

"It was supposed to be beautiful," She whispered, as she clung to me and I could feel the fear rolling off her.

"What was, my love?" I asked, my arm wrapped protectively around her.

"My first time."

My heart rate picked up as I realized she was going to let me in, she was going to tell me more than she had before. "He was so nice and so sweet, I thought I loved him and him me. I wanted to make him happy and I wanted us to be in a real relationship, so I did it, I gave myself to him. It wasn't magical or beautiful, it was painful and life changing. He didn't even ease into it, he just slammed into me and told me he would make me feel good, but it never felt good." She sobbed, and I held onto her tightly trying to push the anger away. I wasn't angry with her, I was angry with him for what he did to her.

I tried my damndest to get the image of Bella's tiny body under Demetri as he slammed into her and her crying out in pain as he continued to ruin her first time and possibly every time after that, out of my head. My sexual frustration was completely forgotten as I held onto my love, while she relived some of the worst events of her life. Sex, was a beautiful thing and Bella was a beautiful woman, she deserved to be worshiped, but he didn't worship her, he damaged her. I vowed to myself if she ever gave me a chance I would show her how it was supposed to be, I would worship every inch of her beautiful body, even with that promise I knew one big difference between Demetri and myself; I wanted more than Bella's body. I wanted all of her, every piece of her I could get. Her heart, body, soul, and mind; I needed it all to survive. She was my life, we were linked forever, and nothing could alter that.

"I promise to never hurt you like he did. I will always put you first." My words were as true as words could be and I felt her nod against my chest. I hoped that Bella trusted me enough to believe that I would and could never hurt her, and I hoped she knew that she was my life.

"I know, but I always see him. I don't want to see him, but I have flashbacks, especially of the night…," she stuttered, over the words taking a deep breath. I braced myself for whatever was to come next. "The night that Ethan was conceived."

I tensed worried about the fear in her voice, it was a mixture of fear and sadness, but fear was taking over. Usually anytime Ethan was mentioned, she was overflowing with sadness and grief, but it was the amount of fear in that sentence that scared me most.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" I asked kissing the top of her head, I didn't really want to hear about it, but I felt it was the next step in our relationship. It was one more thing I needed to help her overcome so that we could move forward.

"It will make you think less of me," she whispered, and I pulled away from her as quickly as the words registered in my head and I raised her eyes to mine, I stared into her chocolate pools and tried to relay the love I felt for her. It was all consuming.

"Isabella Marie Swan, I could never think less of you. You are my life and every part of your past has molded you. I wish none of the bad would have happened, but it doesn't change anything. I love you for you and I will always love you."

The force of my words were strong and I could see it hit a cord with her and for a moment, we just stared into each other's eyes until something in Bella snapped. She sat up tall and jutted her chin out as she spoke. She was trying to be strong, so she could get through whatever it was she was going to say next.

"Well, what if I told you that I stayed with him even though he hit me and hurt me repeatedly? What if I told you that I dropped out of school; for no other reason than the fact that I was drinking too much to function? I drank to drown out the pain that he made me feel and with all of that, I still thought I loved him. I still stayed with him. What do you have to say now?"

I saw right through her little act; she was trying to scare me off. She was so afraid of being hurt anymore that she was trying to protect herself, but we both knew we were in too deep for that. She could never scare me away and I told her that much.

"I would say that I want to kill him for all of it, it was his entire fault; he manipulated you. I also have to say that it doesn't change a thing, I still love you more than anything and will forever." She stared at me shocked and I watched her closely as big fat tears rolled down her flushed cheeks.

"What if I told you that Ethan was conceived out of rape?" Her voice was so low that I almost didn't hear her words, but I did hear them and I was shocked.

"I want to kill him," I stated, through gritted teeth, my hands balled into tight fist. Bella watched me closely as the anger shot through me as the fact that Demetri had rapped her registered within me. However, as far as I was concerned the other times were pretty damn close to rape, she may not have fought him off or said no, but it was obvious she didn't enjoy it.

"So do I," Bella admitted, as she fiddled with the hem of her shirt, I couldn't take our distance any longer, I pulled her too me and held her close, never wanting to let her go. Bella fell asleep in my arms shortly after, but I could not let myself sleep. All I could think about was Demetri hurting my Bella and I wished that I had killed him that day at the garage. I wished that he was dead, but I knew that none of that would change what he did to Bella. It still happened and could never be taken back.

Bella had horrible nightmares all night and they tore me all the way to my soul. I knew by the shouted "no's" and pleading that she was reliving what that monster had done to her. It broke my heart. More than once the screams woke Alice, and she came to check on Bella, she didn't know what caused them, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. It was truly one of the worst nights of my life.

**Bella's POV**

The next morning brought sunshine through the window and even though my eyes ached from crying, I was determined to make it a good day. I wanted to leave everything I told Edward behind us, but as soon as I looked at his face, I felt guilty. His face wasn't peaceful like it should be; it was scrunched up with worry even as he slept. I kissed his nose, but he didn't stir so I snuck out of bed and made my way too the kitchen. I was surprised to find Alice with her head down on the table and a coffee cup in her hand; she didn't even glance up when I walked in.

"You know your not suppose to drink caffeine while you're pregnant." I chuckled as I poured myself a cup. Just as I was taking a sip and spitting it out she answered me.

"It is de-café."

"Yeah I figured that out," I told her as I whipped my mouth with the back of my hand. I then proceeded to pour half a cup of sugar in my coffee so I would actually be able to function through the day. Alice finally raised her head as I sat down at the table.

"How are you?" Her voice was full of concern and I stared at her knowing she was referring to my restless night of sleep. It was apparent by the bags under her gorgeous eyes that I had kept everyone in the house up with my nightmares.

"I'll survive."

She eyed me for a minute as she took a drink of her coffee and then she glanced down at the table then back up at me while she spoke.

"You know, you should really try living rather than just surviving. You have a bright future ahead of you and all you have to do to achieve it, is to open up and live."

I stayed silent watching her and letting her words soak in. She was long gone from the table when I finally fully digested what she said. She had implied that I wasn't living, that I was just surviving. I sat there staring at the wall sipping my coffee trying to figure out how much truth was in that when a realization came over me. Alice was right; everything I did was just for the sake of surviving. I didn't wake up each day trying to move forward, trying to live. I told Ethan I was going to try to be happy and I had happy moments with Edward and our friends, but I still wasn't living. I suddenly had the urge to live, so I finished my coffee and went back too bed to snuggle up with Edward, because the only way I would be able to live was if he was by my side.

Time seemed to fly by and I could feel a change in me, I had taken Alice's words to heart and was living my life. I didn't want to hold anyone back and I knew that if I didn't live life that in turn I would hold Edward back, so as I sat at a table with all of his family at the grand opening of Eclipse, I smiled genuinely. I laughed and I even danced. If every night were as packed as it was on that night, then Edward would be set for life. The place was crawling with people and the atmosphere was fun and light. I loved watching Edward as he made the rounds and smiled happily at everyone he spoke with, he was so happy.

I could watch him forever and it would always amaze me, he had an ease, and a grace about him that couldn't be rivaled. I loved Edward there was no doubt about that, but lately I had concluded that I wanted it all with him. A part of me had always known that, but I didn't think I deserved it and I still wasn't sure that I did, but I was selfish, and I wanted everything life had to offer with him. I wanted him to be my Edward, forever.

He had changed me so much, he had helped me grow, and I knew that sitting here in a room full of drunken people was the best proof of all, because I wasn't even tempted to have a drink. The thought of the alcohol and what it used to do to me made me sick and I wanted to be a person that deserved to be with Edward.

"What are you thinking about beautiful?" Edward's voice sent shivers down my spin and the smile that had been on my lips grew. I glanced up into his sparkling emerald eyes feeling light headed. How could one man be so beautiful?

"Uh?" I mumbled sounding like a complete loser. Edward chuckled and leaned down pressing his lips to mine, it set my whole body on fire and I wanted to devour him. Edward brought out things in me that I never knew existed and it was both frustrating and incredible all at once.

"Get a room," Emmett groaned, next to me and I immediately pulled away from Edward's lips ducking my head. My face was heated with embarrassment as the group around us laughed at our expense. I had never been one for PDA, but Edward had a way of making me forget that people were around; that we weren't alone.

"You are so beautiful," Edward whispered, as he leaned into me and caressed my flushed cheeks, causing a fresh round of blood to pulse through them. "Dance with me."

Therefore, we danced and our small touches were filled with love and passion, everything with Edward was magical and made me feel alive, made me feel anything, but the pain. I loved him more than anything left in the world and he was reason enough to live again.

Things settled down a lot once Eclipse was open and Edward had a little more free time on his hands, we spent as much time as we could together, but Charlie had opened the garage back up so I was back to working with him and Jacob. It was nice being around the engines and tinkering with the parts, but I missed Edward. It was sad that I couldn't get through a whole day without longing for him; I knew that with my addictive personality it was very likely that I was in fact addicted to Edward's love. I also knew that it was an addiction I never wanted to overcome; I wanted to be high on his love for the rest of my life.

"I want you to close your eyes and tell me where you see yourself in five years," Eleazar said, calmly, I was lounging back in the huge comfortable chair trying to pump myself up for this weeks visit. I tried to imagine my life five years in the future, at one point I couldn't even see myself in five days, much less years. "Tell me what you see," he urged.

"I see Edward, that is all I can really see. I see his smile, I see us together, and I see that he is my future." I assured Eleazar causing him to sigh rather loudly.

"Isabella, tell me what _you're_ doing, where _you_ are?" He put a big emphasis on the _you _letting me know what he meant. I knew where he was going with this, he had urged me more than once not to risk everything on one endeavor, per say. I was basing my entire existence on one person and the last time I did that it broke me. I exhaled loudly and tried to imagine something other than Edward that would make me happy, but I was coming up empty.

After a moment I heard him set his notepad down and I glanced over to see him lean forward with his elbows on his knees, and his hands clasped together. I could tell by the bunching of his brow that he was about to get all knowledgeable on me.

"Let's try something different, can you possibly think back to before Edward, before Ethan, before college, think back to a time when it was essentially just you. When you were your own person and didn't base your life off of someone else."

I closed my eyes tight thinking back to a life that seemed to belong to someone else, I didn't even have an ounce of that girl left in me, but I tried my best to remember what it was like to be her.

"I guess it was when I was seventeen," I said, slowly trying to remember it all clearly, because the years had faded it away, the bad blocking out the good.

"Tell me everything about your life at seventeen. What was your favorite color, your favorite band, your favorite hobby, tell me who Bella Swan was at seventeen," he insisted, and I rolled my head back on the chair and concentrated on my life before the universe started punishing me, to a time when I was oblivious to the evil in the world.

"I recall my favorite color at the time being orange; I had a lot of orange. I couldn't tell you my favorite band, because there were so many. Jacob and I listened to music religiously. My favorite hobby was racing, easily. I recall the summer between junior and senior year, I won every race I participated in. My father and I spent hours pouring over ways to make my car better. In my free time I accrued two hunks of metal, that at one point were motorcycles's and talked Jacob into helping me rebuild them. We both still have our bikes, but back then we had to hide them from our fathers, because they didn't approve of the two wheeled death machines, as they called them. Charlie had no problem letting me race a car at nearly two hundred miles per hour, but he freaked out over a motorcycle. I never understood it." I pondered with a chuckle as I recalled the day that Charlie caught Jake and I ridding on a back road in La Push, I thought he was going to murder me.

"So you spent a lot of time with Jacob and your father?" Eleazar asked, trying to get me to continue.

"I was with either one of them every second of the day."

"What about your mother?" I felt a twig of guilt as he said this, because I hadn't spent a lot of time with my mother. I hadn't bonded with her enough.

"She liked different things. She didn't understand why I loved racing so much."

"Was racing your first love?" I was glad that he was leaving the subject of my mother at that, but I knew we would come back to it soon. Eleazar never let sleeping dogs lay.

"Yes, well I guess so. I mean I loved Jacob and I loved my parents, but that love was natural. It has always been written in the universe, but racing was the first thing that came into my life that I could love on my own and it wasn't put into my life. You get what I am saying?" I wasn't sure if I was making a bit of sense, but I hoped he understood on some level.

"I understand. You're saying that racing was the first thing you loved outside of your family, outside of the people that were placed in your life from birth. Correct?" He raised his eyebrow trying to make sure we were on the same page.

"Exactly."

"I just have one more question for you and then we can start to wrap this session up." I nodded for him to continue anxious to get out of here without crying for once, he had a way of making me leave here in a mess of tears. "Racing, was it something you did on your own or did your father push you into it?"

"Actually, Charlie and my mother both were against me racing in the beginning. My mother didn't want me near a racetrack and my father wanted me around his shop, but didn't want me to fall in love. I did though and when I was old enough to race I begged him to let me, but he refused. Finally, he agreed to let me race, but only if I built my own car, so I did just that. He was shocked to say the least, he knew that I was talented, but he never figured that his fifteen-year-old daughter could build her own car, all on her own. Then after I won my first race, he was team Bella all the way." I smiled thinking about how he had shirts made up and he would brag to everyone that I was his daughter, he hadn't been proud of me like that in a long time.

"You did great today and I feel like I have really scratched the surface of some pretty important things. First off, let's, start with the fact that your addictive personality has caused you to latch onto others and feed off of them. From what I have gathered over the months is that you haven't ever been on your own, you haven't ever given yourself a chance to learn who you really are." I went to interrupt him, but he held up a hand to stop me. "I know you raced and you went off to college, but with both of those you had the support and praise of someone else. Racing you had your father, college you had your mother, but when have you done anything to make yourself proud? You have never lived on your own; you have never just been Bella." He paused letting that soak in before he assured me we would continue with that topic the next week.

I left his office in a haze thinking over everything he had said. I had never been just Bella. What the hell did that mean?

I couldn't recall the drive from Seattle to my house, but I was soon pulling into my driveway. However, I didn't get out of the car. I couldn't make myself open the door and step out; I had to figure out what Eleazar meant. Hadn't I been Bella at some point and time? Who the hell was Bella?

A knock on my window practically made me jump out of my skin; it was Leah Clearwater, Jacob's girlfriend and Sue's daughter. I smiled at her and she stepped back so I could get out of the car.

"Everything alright?" She eyed me cautiously and I shrugged my shoulders.

"Just have a lot on my mind, what are you up to?" I tried to deflect the attention off of me.

"Jake dropped me off; he had to get to work, something or another about a master circular." She rolled her eyes and I chuckled.

"You mean a master cylinder?" I asked, and she shrugged her shoulders indifferent. "So why did he drop you off here, is your mom here again?"

Sue Clearwater had been spending an ungodly amount of time with my father. She was a nice woman and I really liked her, but it felt wrong to see her getting so close to my father.

"Yeah," Leah sighed. Her father's death had been even more recent than my mothers had, so she was also having a hard time dealing with all the time they had been spending together. Like me, she liked my father, but just couldn't see her mom with anyone, but her dad.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" I asked, suddenly feeling the need `to get away.

"Where is somewhere?" She countered, heading over to the passenger side of my car, obviously not caring where we were going since she was already getting in the car.

"Don't know, but it will be better than watching that," I said, pointing towards the house and we could see Sue and Charlie standing in the kitchen together, it looked like he was helping her cook. Charlie never cooked with my mother and judging by the look on Leah's face her father and mother had never cooked together either. Charlie was smiling and a part of me was screaming to be happy for him, but another part of me was angry that he could just replace my mother. I knew it wasn't like that, but I couldn't help how I felt.

"We should kidnap Alice," Leah suggested, as we pulled out of my driveway and I agreed wholeheartedly.

Edward pouted a little when we stopped by and stole Alice and told him he couldn't come along, but I also saw a hint of happiness in his eyes. I knew he was happy that I was doing things with other people and not just letting myself waste away.

Alice, Leah, and I ended up going to La Push and hanging out on the beach. It was one of those rare days when the sun decided to shine and even though it was fifty out, we laid on the sand under the sun's rays. I leaned my head back trying to soak up as much vitamin D as I could. Alice had been chatting away about fashion and I let her talk away, but when she started hinting towards a shopping trip, I changed the subject.

"So have you and Jazz thought of any names yet?" I knew the baby was something she loved talking about, but I always had to bring up the baby topic first. Everyone was always worried about hurting my feelings, but in truth, I was all right with talking about it. I was truly happy for Alice, the strongest emotion I felt about the whole thing was jealousy. I wanted to be married, pregnant, and positively glowing. When Eleazar asked me where I saw myself in five years, I should have described those things, but the fact of the matter was that I was scared they wouldn't happen. I knew Edward loved me and I loved him, but would we ever marry. Could he really marry someone like me and there was the fact that having another child terrified me. I was scared that something would be wrong with him/her and I wouldn't be able to stand that.

"I like Amel Grace and Jackson Ray, but I am not sure yet," Alice answered. I could hear the excitement in her voice.

"Those are cute names, what does Jasper think?" I asked, trying to keep her talking, so I couldn't think of what it would be like to see the babies and be reminded of Ethan. I had about eight months to prepare myself for that so I was getting a head start.

"In his words he said 'darling we can name them Jack and Jill for all I care, all that matters to me is that I am going to be a daddy and you are going to be my baby's momma, it is a dream come true'_._" She laughed trying to have a southern accent like the one he had picked up working in Texas. He wasn't from there obviously, since Carlisle and Esme had never lived there, but he did tend to have an accent.

Leah and I, awed and ooed over how sweet Jazz was and Alice ate it all up. It really was sweet and got me wondering what Edward would want to name his children. I knew that if I had a son with him I would want to name him after his father, because I knew that Edward would make an amazing father.

"So boy or girl, which are you hoping for more?" Leah asked, as I was lost in thought. I vaguely heard Alice say girl, but I was off in la la land, daydreaming about a baby faced bronze haired boy with emerald eyes, then after a moment the Edward clone turned into Ethan and I felt guilty. Guilt ate away at me, having a son with Edward, even the imaginary one, felt wrong. Not wrong in the sense that having kids with Edward would be wrong, but in the sense that it felt like I would be replacing Ethan and I could never do that.

_Would having another child be replacing him?_

I was useless to conversation for the rest of our afternoon together, since my mind was questioning all the things that would be wrong or right.

As soon as I pulled into Alice's driveway, the front door swung open and Edward walked out on the porch. He hurried out to the car to greet me with a big hug. I looked up at him confused by his odd behavior.

"Is everything alright?" I chuckled at him. His green eyes were boring into me as if he was trying to relay a life-altering message.

"Everything is great now that you are here. I missed you." I smiled involuntary as his words washed over me. I had only been gone for a few hours, but he had missed me.

"I missed you, too."

"Seriously, you two are too mushy," Alice whined, as she headed for the house, causing Edward and I to laugh at her.

I had to take Leah home, so Edward followed me saying we could just spend time together at my house. Leah was quiet on the drive back and I didn't initiate any conversation, it wasn't awkward we were both just lost inside our heads. I was trying my best not to think about what it would mean to Ethan if I had another child. If it would in fact be replacing him or not? I tried not to think about those things that made me want to hide inside myself.

Unfortunately, the ride was too short for me to figure anything out and I wouldn't allow myself to dwell on it in Edward's presence. I didn't want to bring his mood down with mine. Leah went off to her car as soon as we arrived and I headed into the house with Edward by my side, my father was nowhere in sight, so we headed straight up to my room.

The door shut behind us and I turned to look at Edward, his eyes were full of passion and lust. I could see that the time we spent away from each other, no matter how short, affected him the same as it affected me. His familiar arms wrapped around me and his electric touch lured me into him. I took a deep selfish breath as his scent engulfed me. I loved him so much it hurt. His honey lips meet mine and everything disappeared. I fisted his shirt as he deepened the kiss and I felt the burning in my lower abdomen. It was a feeling only Edward could give me. I pulled myself impossibly closer to him suddenly needing him to dull the ache that was rising in my lower parts. Every time he kissed me like this, I desired things that I knew nothing of, I desired the pleasure that I had never felt and was to afraid to ever explore again. We started moving backwards, Edward holding me tight against his body, so tight that my feet were barely on the floor. He was so strong and so intoxicating. He laid us on the bed; he hovered over me close enough that I could feel the warmth coming off him, but not close enough to be touching. I knew he was trying to be respectful of my boundaries and I loved him for it, but the passion flowing through us was so intense, I needed something. I wasn't exactly sure what that something was, but I moved my hands to his lower back and pulled his body down on mine. He did as I requested without breaking our kiss, we were running out of air, but Edward didn't break his lips from my skin. He just made his way down my chin and onto my neck, I moved my head back to give him better access, it felt so good. My body started moving on its own accord, my hips bucked up towards Edward and in response, his hips bucked back down at me. I felt his stiffness brush up against my sensitive clit through my pants; causing me to moan in response. I heard Edward groan over me and then he pulled back to look at me. His emeralds were dark with passion, his lips were swollen from our kissing, and he had a little color to his cheeks, he was beyond sexy.

"Love," his voice was rough. "How much do you trust me?" I stiffened as I looked into his eyes, I could tell he was up to something, but I answered honestly without a second thought.

"Completely."

"I want to do something for you, I promise it won't hurt, and if you are uncomfortable I will stop." He stressed his words to me as he stared into my eyes. I had to search for a moment to find my voice, because his serious stare had me entranced.

"What do you want to do?" I was scared to be honest, I knew Edward wouldn't pressure me into anything, but at the end of the day, it was just in me to be afraid.

"It felt good a moment ago when we made contact, correct?" I swallowed hard and felt my face flush with embarrassment. "Don't be embarrassed, trust me it is perfectly natural. I was thinking that maybe I could make you feel good; you wouldn't have to do anything for me. I just want to do it for you, but if you don't want me too, if it is too soon, you can tell me no."

I stared into his beautiful green eyes and nodded my head; I was putting all of my trust in him. My heart was about to beat out of my chest and my throat was constricting, but the ache between my legs was begging him to make me feel good.

"Say the word and I will stop, alright." I just nodded not sure; I would be able to find my voice to answer him. He leaned down, kissed me sweetly, and then resumed the passionate kiss that we had developed earlier. I relaxed and one of his hands started to trail down my sides and onto my stomach, he paused there for a moment letting me get used to it. I was terrified, but my love and trust for Edward won out. I relaxed my body to let him know it was all right, but I still wasn't sure if it was or not. His hand slipped into the waistband of my pants and then my panties, my body naturally tensed. He paused again and rubbed circles where his hand was just above my sex, his lips never leaving mine. I relaxed after a moment needing him to make me feel good, I was scared, but I needed him.

As soon as his fingers grazed my clit, I was already wiggling under him. It was intense as Edward worked my body in ways that it had never been worked before. It was all too much, but not enough and then this sensation hit me. It was intense, so intense I thought I was going to burst and before I knew it, I was making embarrassing moaning sounds and arching my back on the bed. It was amazing it felt so good.

I laid back on the bed with my eyes closed and tried to control my erotic breathing, I felt Edward move slightly above me and then his breath was at my ear.

"I love you; I promise that your pleasure will always come before my own."

**Charlie's POV**

I walked up the stairs pausing outside of the bedroom that I shared with my wife for over half my life. I hadn't brought myself to sleep in there and I knew I wouldn't be able to, because the room was a constant reminder of Renee. Her personality was all over the place and I couldn't handle it being thrown in my face.

Renee and I talked about her death and life after a lot, since she was sick and there was the possibility that she would die. She told me she wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to move on, and I told her I just couldn't, but you see the thing about Renee is that she can talk anyone into anything. If she can't talk you into something, she will just weasel a promise out of you and that is exactly what she did to me. She made me promise to move on if the opportunity presented itself and I was so sure that it never would so I made the promise. Now, the universe was playing with me, Sue had come into my life to console me and then with the loss of her husband I ended up consoling her. In the process a deep connection formed between us, I wasn't sure if it was love yet, but I knew that it was a foundation. Sue understood what I was feeling and we needed each other.

I could tell that Bella and Sue's two children Leah and Seth, were having problems accepting it, but I hoped with time they would grow used to it and be happy for us. Sue and I had something big planned and with our kids grown, we felt like it was something we could do, just for us. We both had spent most of our lives living for our children and spouses and now that all that had crumbled, we were taking a step back to rebuild it. I wasn't sure how Bella would react, but I hoped that maybe she would be able to understand. It was Bella after all; she understood loss and the fight to find a way back, better than anyone should.

A sound I hadn't heard in a long time, if ever, came echoing down the hall and a smile split my face in half. Bella's giggles filled the air, they were carefree and heart warming. It reminded me of a time when she was a small child and I would tickle her until she couldn't breath her laughter was so beautiful. I stood there listening to her…

"Edward, stop your hands are cold." Her voice was breathless and I could imagine the beautiful smile on my daughters face. "Edward…that tickles."

My eyebrows shot up and my stance went rigged as I realized that I could possibly be hearing an intimate moment between the two of them. Two sides of me were fighting each other, the side that was overjoyed that my daughter sounded down right happy and the side of me that wanted to cut Edward's balls off for whatever ungodly thing he was doing with my daughter. The protective father in me won out over the sentimental one. I stormed down the hallway and threw Bella's bedroom door open. Edward and Bella, thankfully fully clothed, both glanced up at me confused. Bella was sitting against the headboard and Edward had her legs pinned down with his huge hairy feet while he gave her what appeared to be a foot massage. I composed myself not wanting them to realize that I barged into the room under the wrong impression and now that I stood here before them, I realized that I was relieved. Had they been in a compromising position I would have been scared for life and that was something I was thankful for not seeing. No father wants to see his daughter that way and I really liked Edward and didn't want to have to kill him.

"Dad, is something wrong?" Bella's cheerful mood was gone and now she sounded truly nervous. I quickly shook my head.

"No, nothing is wrong," I assured her, and after it sunk in, she looked irritated.

"Well, do you think you could knock next time, instead of trying to take my door down?" She had a serious look in her eye, but her lips were pulling at an amused smile.

"Yeah of course, sorry." I suddenly felt extremely awkward and realized that I needed to have an excuse for barging in. "I needed to ask you something." She raised her eyebrows at me and I racked my brain for something to ask her, I glanced at Edward who continued to massage my daughter's feet. I really liked that kid, I had to admit the first time I saw him and he had all that ink on his arms, I thought he was bad news, but turns out, he was perfect for my girl.

"Would you have a problem with me putting Seth on part-time at the garage? I know it would take some hours from you, but he really has a kin for cars and they could really use the cash. Sue just got laid off and the insurance money isn't going to last forever." I was rambling, but hell I was a nervous old man.

"Sure, sure," She shrugged, imitating Jacob. Reading her eyes, I could see that she really didn't care and I was relieved. It was my shop and I had the final say, but Bella was the only family I had left and I had spent enough time on the outs with her. The time I spent mad at her during her college stint was enough to last a lifetime. Then there was the time she was crushed and I turned my back on her, after Ethan died, she needed help and I gave up on her. Renee and I were hurting also, losing our grandson, but it wasn't an excuse to judge Bella and give up on her. It was a time that I would never forgive myself for.

"Alright, then I will let you get back…" I let the sentence drop there and waved my hands towards her and Edward as explanation. As I was turning to leave Edward called for me.

"So, since you're hiring Seth does that mean that Bella can take some time off?" Edward had a look in his eye that told me he had something planned, something big.

"Possibly?" I glanced at Bella to gage what he or possibly they had planned, but by the expression on her face I could tell that, she had no idea what he was getting at. "How much time off would she need?"

"A week or so." Edward shrugged and I eyed him curiously. Bella cleared her throat and we both turned to look at her. She crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow at him, it reminded me too much of her mother.

"Do I get a say in whatever you're trying to plan over there?"

Edward chuckled and reached over to cup her cheek, their love was easily visible, and so strong one could feel it in the air.

"Of course, love," he whispered, and leaned over to kiss her forehead, all the tension left Bella's face and she fought a smile. I felt like I was intruding and it should annoy me to see a man laying his hands and lips on my daughter, but I couldn't be annoyed. The love radiating off of them was so calming that it was more magical rather than disgusting. It reminded me of Renee and me so much that my heart ached.

"I have needed to go on a trip for awhile now and I think it would be beneficial if you came with me," Edward said, smiling at her and then turned to me. "I also wanted to make sure we wouldn't be putting your father out." I smiled at the little kiss ass that was pretty perfect for my girl.

"Where to?" Bella sounded hesitant and I wanted to roll my eyes, because I knew that child was over analyzing everything in her head.

"Phoenix."

"What's in Phoenix?" I asked, before Bella could say anything.

"My house, car, pretty much everything I hold dear." Edward shrugged. Bella panicked.

"Are you moving back? I thought that with Eclipse, you were…" Edward didn't let her finish he cupped her cheek again calming her.

"No, love. I am here to stay as long as you will have me." He looked between us speaking to both of us this time. "I am going to retrieve my things and I was hoping Bella would accompany me."

We both turned to look at Bella, whom was worrying her lip. I could see the wheels turning, the stress over the decision, so I took it upon myself to answer for her.

"Go." They both glanced at me. "You need some time away from this rainy, depressing green town, hell we all could use some time away." I threw that last bit in hoping that it would ease the blow with what I was about to say. "In fact, I am taking a little trip myself, so the timing is perfect."

"Dad, where are you going?" Bella was back to being concerned.

"Sue and I are taking a trip to Alaska. We are going to do some ice fishing and whatever else she has planned." I waved it off as if it was no big deal, but I knew it was. I watched as Bella's eyes filled with tears and she swallowed hard.

"Are you going to marry her?" My daughter always was one to overanalyze things.

"No, I am not going to marry her. We both just need some time away and we both need closure. It isn't romantic at all; it is just two people morning great loss." I awkwardly explained to her as my face heated up, giving away my embarrassment. Bella and I were too much a like. It was quiet for a moment before Bella finally spoke.

"I think it will be good for you also, it will be good for all of us to get some distance. Then come back and regroup, start over."

I crossed the room and hugged my little girl tight. She was so smart, so incredible, and I was so proud of her. She made me proud everyday that she breathed, she hadn't always made the best choices, but she always did the right thing. I didn't tell her these things, but I knew that she knew I was proud of her. At least I hoped she did, because if I said the words aloud I would turn into a crying old fool.

I left Bella's room feeling like a giddy high school boy, who just got his parents approval to drive the car. Things were looking up; we were all rebuilding and moving forward. I glanced up in the direction that I imagined Heaven was and thanked my late wife, because I knew she had a hand in all of this, she always was one to meddle.

**All right, as most of you know I wrote about Bella's life before Edward. All about Demetri, Ethan, and Jacob. It is all heartbreaking and you can read it on my blog or on fan fiction now. **

**Here is a little preview, just so you know what to expect.**

_Two days ago, my life ended, but I still breathe and walk the earth. My heart is gone, my soul demolished, and my strength nonexistent. I cannot tell you what I am wearing and for all I know they could be the same cloths I was wearing two days ago. For nothing, matters to me anymore, I no longer have a reason to live, but I am still here. I don't want to be here, I want to be anywhere, but here. I am not afraid of hell, because this is my hell. My worst nightmare is before me and I can't even comprehend what is going on around me. I feel paralyzed as I watch helplessly, my heart and soul lays in a small blue casket as I sit on uncomfortable benches. My mother and father on one side crying into each other's shoulders, my best friend Jacob on my other with his warm arm wrapped around my shoulders in a way to comfort me. Nevertheless, it doesn't help nothing can help. I am not sure, if I am shaking or if it is after shock from Jacob's sobs. I don't know where to look so I continue to stare at the little blue casket, I can't see inside it from here, but I don't need to I know who is inside it. I know that everything I ever had or wanted is inside of it, soon to be hidden into the ground forever. _

_My bedroom door creaked as someone entered, but I didn't pay them any attention. Suddenly I was scooped up off my bed and being carried. I had no idea who was holding me and I didn't bother to look. My mind was a sea of black, my soul was gone, and my heart was crumbled, nothing else existed. I wished for death, maybe who ever was carrying me was leading me to my death. _

**To read click on my name so it takes you to my profile, then go down to my stories and click on [SI: Bella's Story]**

**PLEASE REVIEW**


	23. Chapter 23 Road Trip

**Hello readers, I know it has been a bit since I last updated and I apologize. Real life has gotten busy, I am working on getting all of my fan fiction finished and this one is the first one on the list, since it sadly only has a couple chapters left. I originally planned to go all the way to 30 chapters, but sometimes you feel an ending coming and I feel it with this story. Don't panic there are a few more chapters and epilogue, but I just wanted you to know it was coming soonish. **

**A HUGE thanks to my beta on this Elli, she is awesome and fast. Every one give her a round of applause.**

**Now, here is the next chapter, please review when you are done.**

**Chapter 23**

**"Road Trip"**

**Edward's POV**

The open highway laid before us as the sun shined through the window and onto Bella's sleeping form. We had flown into Phoenix two days prior and gathered all my things, rented a truck, hooked my car up to a trailer on the back, and hit the highway. I planned to do all the driving on the trip and taking as long as we wanted to get back to Washington, a straight shot would take nearly twenty-six hours. Would it of been cheaper and easier to have my stuff shipped from Phoenix to Forks, yes, but then I would miss out on the time in the car with my Bella. The undisturbed time together on the highway was something we both desperately needed.

Bella had never been to Los Angeles, so that was our first stop; I also planned on showing her the Hollywood area and my favorite tourist spot in Santa Monica. I wanted to ride the Ferris wheel and then walk on the beach at sunset with her next to me; it was cheesy, but it was something I wanted to do with her. I had never been the romantic type, but Bella deserved that and I planned on throwing some other non-cheesy romantic girly shit in there too. Yeah, loving her turned me into one of those pussy-whipped bitches.

Bella stirred in her sleep making the sun illuminate the red in her hair; it was something that couldn't be admired in the cloudy town she resided in, and it was too beautiful not to be seen. Everything about her was alluring to me, sadly, even the fact that she was broken. I hated her been so broken, but I had this need and desire to fix her and to protect her. She was everything I ever needed and never knew I wanted; now I couldn't imagine my life without her. I couldn't see myself continuing on without her by my side.

As the Hollywood sign came into view, I reached over and shook Bella awake; she smiled at me as her eyes opened. She was happy to see me and I almost forgot to watch the road, I was so lost in the beauty of her.

"You're so beautiful," I gushed like the love struck fool I was; as expected the beautiful blush covered her cheeks and I had to lean over and kiss her.

I quickly found somewhere to park before I ended up causing a wreck. Once we were parked it took a ten minute make out session for us to finally emerge from the car and make our way down the side walk. I felt like a teenager in love for the first time as we walked hand in hand down the busy streets of Hollywood. Bella was amazed by everything and her eyes would light up with excitement when she saw something different and strange. As I watched her I saw a completely different person, the sadness wasn't present in her eyes as she looked at me. All I could see was love and joy reflecting back at me. I knew the sadness was still in there-that it lingered over her like a bad storm cloud, but I was happy that for today, she was just Bella. We were just Edward and Bella for a few days.

**Bella's POV**

"Where to now?" I asked Edward, beyond excited about our trip. We had already seen Hollywood and Los Angeles and now I was more than ready for the next stop with him. I was holding his hand as he maneuvered the huge moving truck through the streets full of flashy convertibles and bicycles'.

"My favorite spot in all of Cali," Edward said, smiling at me as he brought our joined hands up and kissed the back of my hand. I felt like a kid on the trip with him, I had decided on the flight to Phoenix that I was going to put all my worries and sadness into a box and close them up for this trip and I had done just that. I wasn't allowing the outside world to influence Edward and me - it was just the two of us.

I loved him with all my heart and soul, every fiber of my being was already becoming etched into him. I knew that it wasn't safe to put everything I had into a person - I had done that many times before and it hadn't turned out well, but something deep inside me told me that it was alright with Edward. That I could trust him and our love; so that is what I planned to do, trust.

Edward was so sweet and patient with me when most would run away screaming. He was too good for me, I knew that, but I wasn't about to let him know that. I needed him and I adored him, he was it for me.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward broke the silence as he merged off the highway onto an exit ramp.

"You," I answered feeling the familiar blush rise to my cheeks.

"What about me?"

"I guess it is more about us," I told him suddenly very interested in picking at a stray string on my shirt.

"Good to know, since I am always thinking about us." The car came to a stop and I suddenly couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face, but when I looked at Edward it grew impossibly larger. He was also smiling and staring at me with longing. I was lost in his eyes once again; there was so much electricity running through me that I had an urge to jump him. It was this intense feeling that over rode all my senses and the next thing I knew was I was in his lap.

My lips were on his, my hands ran up and down his chiseled chest and his rough gruff of facial hair rubbed against the smooth skin of my cheeks and chin. A fire burned in my abdomen and I couldn't get close enough to him. After a long and frantic kiss I pulled away, shocked. I couldn't believe that I had just attached him. My face felt like it had burst into flames and as Edward started chuckling we both ended up in a laughing fit.

Once our laughter died down, Edward pushed the hair out of my face and kissed my nose before he put his forehead against mine.

"I love you so much, Bella Swan," he had said the words to me more times than I could count, but they felt different in that moment, it felt like he was trying to relay a message to me. A message of trust and devotion and the message was received loud and clear; I heard the meaning behind it. He was telling me it was alright to want him in ways that I had never wanted anyone, it was alright, because with those words he was promising that he wouldn't let me fall. He was promising he wouldn't hurt me.

"I love you too, Edward Cullen."

As my composure came back, Edward led me down to Santa Monica Pier. It was a buzz of energy and there was a swarm of people, but I found it comforting. I figured we would head straight down to the pier, but Edward swayed us to the left of it and towards a large enclosed building.

"What is this?" I asked wondering why we were going inside on such a beautiful day and with a beach right in front of us.

"Don't worry, you will get some sand between your pale toes, I just thought you might enjoy this first." With that he paid some general admission at the door of the huge building that I soon realized wasn't a building, but was a huge enclosed tent. As we entered I was automatically excited; Edward knew me so well. It was a classic car show and an impressive one at that.

"Oh, Mr. Cullen, you do not know what you have gotten yourself into," I told him as I hugged him tightly.

"How so, my love?"

"You see, I am usually very respective of other's time, but there are two things that I have to admire from top to bottom and front to back," I explained vaguely.

"I hope I am one of those things," Edward said raising his eyebrow. I chuckled at his playful mood, it was like we were two completely different people.

"Ok then make that three things," I teased releasing him from the hold I had on him and looping my arm through his. "Someone should have warned you that books and cars are my weaknesses; I could spend days, hours, years, lost in a bookstore or garage. Classic car shows are like Christmas for me and I take my time at them," I warned him in a serious tone as I patted his chest in a playful way.

He chuckled and pulled me into him and whispered into my ear. "Take all the time you want because no matter how long it takes, I will be right by your side."

Goosebumps rose on my flesh and even though I was completely playing with him, I knew that his words were nothing but the truth. Edward walked with me and discussed all the cars with me; we saw many beautiful machines and I had an itching to be in a garage again. I felt an old dream coming to the forefront of my mind, I wanted to rebuild another classic car. I wanted to rebuild many.

I recalled Eleazar saying that I needed to find something for myself, to do on my own and suddenly an old dream and a new ambition was coming to mind. It was something I thought I could do myself. It was something I was sure I was going to do, but right now I didn't have time to fully think about it. For now I would spend my time with Edward and love every minute of it. After hours of looking over the cars, I finally let Edward lead me outside and I was surprised to see how low the sun had sunk in the darkening sky.

"Come on, we have to hurry or we won't make it," Edward said as he quickly swung me onto his back and started trotting through the street towards the beach.

I laughed the whole time, telling him that I could run, but he said he didn't want to have to take me to the hospital and miss out on the view of a lifetime. I rode on his back joyfully happy and a bit excited in other areas as they rubbed against his back muscles. I worried that I would soak right through and onto his shirt, I had never felt so turned on before and with every move I clung tighter to Edward. Every since he had given me my first orgasm I had been fighting against the need for him. I actually wanted sex, I wanted to feel him inside me, I wanted to experience it all with him. I was scared but thrilled at the idea of being intimate with Edward. I knew he would make it romantic and sweet, he wouldn't hurt me. It would be special with him, but there were other fears. I was afraid I would get pregnant or I would have flashbacks and completely freak out. There was a lot to be afraid of and I hoped when the time came, Edward would make all those fears disappear.

"Look," Edward said pointing towards the sky where the sun was setting. It was already making beautiful colors in the sky and it was still halfway peeking over the horizon. Edward sat down on the sand pulling his shoes and socks off, then he pulled me down between his legs. I slipped my shoes off and leaned my back against his chest, his arms wrapped around my waist. With his head resting on top of mine, I sighed in contentment as we sat, silently watching the sun set.

"It's beautiful," I whispered turning my head just enough to kiss his shoulder, I couldn't just watch the sky and ignore the electric pull to him.

Edward held me tighter as the sun sunk lower in the sky, the colors shifting from a deep blue, almost purple, then a pink and into a yellow/orange at the horizon. The colors swirled together making it perfectly beautiful, the Ferris wheel looked high into the sky from where we sat on the ground. It was lit up colorfully in the setting sun as if it was going to spin off and take off into the horizon.

The water cast a perfect reflection of all the colors and I could have stayed there for hours staring at it. It was like heaven, and for the first time, I allowed myself to think about everything I had stored away in that box in my mind. I let it all wash over me, trying to come to terms with it all. Not to taint the moment or ruin the view, but to let it all swirl into the beautiful colors and drift into heaven where the ones I lost waited for me. I let it wash out of me as my heart felt lighter and silent tears streamed down my face. The pain of losing my son would always remain, missing him would be a constant, but seeing this beautiful sight before I knew there had to be a heaven and my mother and son were there. It felt like perhaps they were watching the same colorful sky as me, but from a different view. Edward buried his face in my hair holding me tighter as if he knew what I was thinking, as if he could gauge my emotion. I let out a heavy breath and leaned back into him, losing myself in his arms.

After the sun was completely hidden away and we were left with the dark night sky, we made our way over to the Ferris Wheel. The view from the top of the Ferris wheel was beautiful, I am sure, but I didn't see it. All I saw were emeralds shinning in the night, Edward's eyes on mine, there was nothing more I needed to see.

After we got off the ride, inspiration hit me; we had just had the most amazing day and night; a perfect start to an amazing trip. I knew we needed something solid to remember this with. I glanced around and as if it was fate, there was exactly what I was looking for on a poster directly in front of us. I turned to Edward and he eyed me curiously as I am sure I looked very sneaky.

"I have a crazy idea," I told him as I reached up on my toes so I could kiss him.

"Hmm, what would that be beautiful?"

I cupped his face and turned him so that he was facing the poster board that read "Ink Monkey Tattoo's". He chuckled and then turned back to me.

"You want another tattoo?"

"Yes and I want you to get one, too," I told him. He smiled at me for a moment appearing to be deep in thought and then his smile turned into a full on smirk.

"Sounds good to me, but under two conditions," he said, holding up two fingers to me. I rolled my eyes waiting for him to continue. "Condition one, I pick your tat and you pick mine."

"What?" I asked shocked that that he would be alright with me picking something that would be on his body forever.

"Don't you trust me?"

"Of course, I was just surprised. I guess that will work, as long as I can have the final decision over it."

"That is perfectly understandable."

"Alright, what is the second condition?"

"We don't get it done there or anywhere around here." He cringed as if he was grossed out.

"Why not?" I asked my hands firmly planted on my hips.

"This is tourist territory; trust me, it is safer if we go with someone we know or somewhere we are familiar with."

I thought it over and he was right, I hadn't thought it all the way through, and I really didn't want a jacked up tattoo. My other two were pretty good and I loved them, so I knew the importance of a good artist.

"Understandable, but when and where are we going to get them?" I asked as he put his arm around me and started leading me off the pier and towards where we parked.

"Where did you get yours done?" Edward asked glancing over to my back, where on the left side I had a dove with a cancer ribbon between its beak for my mother and then a mommy and baby swallow with Ethan's initials above it to symbolize that we would see each other again. Swallow's were known for always returning home and Ethan had already returned home and one day I would follow him, we would be together again.

"Seattle, but I don't think the guy that did mine is there anymore."

"Well, we will figure it out, but now I think it is time to settle in for the night so we can get back on the road tomorrow."

Edward drove us to a hotel about two hours outside of Santa Monica and we got cozy in the king size bed. My eyes were heavy and I was ready for sleep, but I didn't want the day to end. It was a beautiful and amazing day; I loved every moment of it.

"Today was amazing, thank you," I told Edward.

"It was pretty perfect, huh," Edward said pushing my hair back as I snuggled up into his chiseled chest. I mumbled in response, but my eyes drifted closed and I couldn't evade sleep any longer.

I slept peacefully in Edward's arms dreaming of the two of us old and wrinkled on a porch swing. It was a strange dream to have, but I woke up happy with the vision of us growing old together on my mind. With the rising sun we hit the open road again, making a few stops here and there to check things out and eat. Smiles always on our faces and our skin always making contact, he moved, I moved, we were like magnets. When we got on the I-5 we settled in for a long ride; it was a straight shot for over a thousand miles, and not much to see but highway.

We were comfortable in each other's presence, sometimes we sang along with the radio, other times we talked, and we even played a few games like the license plate game and I spy. It was childish, but fun. The scenery was beautiful and seemed to be never ending. The sun was behind us and I could almost see the clouds that would take us into the Olympic Peninsula. I didn't want to go back, I didn't want the trip to end, but I knew all good things came to an end.

We stopped in Portland, not able to drive any longer without rest and stayed at a quiet bed and breakfast; neither of us admired the room before hitting the bed and falling asleep. We had a nice little breakfast with the older couples that were present in the Rose Cottage. They all eyed us curiously. Most likely because Edward's tattoos were out and very visible. I found them beautiful and pieces of art along his pale skin, but others used them to judge him. He was the nicest, most compassionate man I knew, but they judged him by his cover. I wanted to tell them to have some respect, not to judge a book by its cover, but decided to go with just ignoring them. My phone sounded in my pocket only making them stare more, I pulled it out and saw that it was Jake calling.

"Hey Jake," I answered, glancing up at Edward, who just kept on eating.

"Bells, where are you two knuckle heads? We figured you would be back by now." Jacob sounded concerned.

"There is no time limit on this trip, we are just taking our time and enjoying the change of scenery." I smiled at Edward and he winked back at me. I chuckled as Jake continued to talk.

"Oh, alright, well I just wanted to check on you. Your dad called earlier this morning and said the trip was going well, he sounded happier than I have heard him in a long time."

"That's good."

"Yeah, you umm, you sound happy, too, Bells," Jake said, and I could almost imagine him ducking his head as he spoke.

"I am," I answered honestly, my eyes on Edward's.

I got off the phone with Jacob, telling him that we would be home when we got home and not to worry and we set off on the road again. We cruised down the highway in a comfortable silence when Edward suddenly interrupted it.

"Can I ask you a question?" I glanced at him to see him looking slightly nervous.

"Anything," I answered turning towards him in my seat. He ran a hand through his hair and glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.

"Ahh, shit, never mind," he mumbled. I had never known Edward to be the one to not say what he is thinking so it concerned me, but he had my full attention and I was curious.

"Ask me," I urged, reaching over and caressing his arm, faintly tracing the lines of the tribal symbol that lined the bottom of his arm piece.

"I was just thinking that I didn't want this to end, you know, you and me," he glanced at me and I nodded in understanding.

"I feel the same way; I don't want to go home, because I don't want it to end. I don't want to be away from you," I tried to explain what I was feeling to show him I understood.

"Exactly and I don't want to spend a night without you by my side."

"I know I haven't had a nightmare the whole trip." Edward smiled at me and seemed to be grateful that he was my very own dream catcher.

"I was just thinking that maybe you didn't have to go home, well not to your dad's house."

"What do you mean?" I honestly didn't follow; I had to go home.

"Maybe," Edward stumbled, taking a deep breath. "Well, I bought a house and it is really too big for just me, maybe you could move in with me."

I started at him completely caught off guard; he took my silence the wrong way.

"I am sorry, it was stupid, of course we aren't ready for that. I just didn't want to have to leave you.." I interrupted him.

"It's not stupid, I was just shocked. It is a big step." I wasn't completely put off to the idea, the idea of it seemed almost perfect, but there was so much to consider.

"It is a big step, but it is a step I want to take with you. Look we don't have to decide now, there is no time limit, just think about it," he assured me with a pat on the knee and I stared forward in deep thought and daydreaming about living with Edward.

We were silent for a long time and I was worried that Edward thought I didn't want to live with him or he would change his mind, but none the less I didn't know what to say. There was too much to consider, his phone rang breaking the tension between us.

"Hey mom," he answered. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but Edward was nodding his head as if she could see him and after what seemed like forever she finally paused long enough for him to get a word in. "It is all taken care of. I met with the realtor and asked her to put their house on the market while I was down. Rosalie will not have to do any traveling while she is pregnant and I took care of things while I was down so it will be a while before Emmett has to make a trip to Phoenix, now stop worrying so much."

Edward glanced at me and rolled his eyes as his mother started talking again. He then met my eyes as he answered her next question.

"She is good mom, hopefully better than good."

I smiled at him and nodded, letting him know that I was better than good. With him I almost felt great. Happier than I had been in years, maybe even ever. I hated to think that, since having Ethan should have been the happiest time in my life, but the fact that his life was always hanging by a thread made it hard to be happy. I was happy to have him, I was grateful for our time together, but it still killed me everyday knowing I was going to lose him. With Edward I was free to be completely happy, no worries, at least not if I didn't let the worries overwhelm me.

"We only have about thirty miles left," Edward told his mother, I looked around, shocked, not realizing we had gotten so close to home.

I don't know why, but a strange panic set in; I didn't want to be home. I wanted to stay in the little bubble we were in. I wanted to just keep driving with him forever and never stop, just the two of us together, always. Two lone drifters carrying through life with nothing, but open road before us. It was a nice visual, but as the scenery became more and more familiar to me I knew it wasn't possible. Reality started coming back and all the worries and problems were there waiting for us as we crossed into familiar territory.

Edward left me at my house and as soon as he drove off my chest felt like it was going to explode from the pressure that was rising in it. I hated seeing him go and I hated feeling so helpless and heartbroken without him. The sadness and depression that seemed to be a permanent fixture in my life tried to take over. My phone beeped and I glanced down, taking in the words that stopped my panic attack in its tracks..

Miss you already, I love you.

The next couple of weeks flew by. Dad returned home, and everything went back to normal. I worked at the garage, and spent time with Edward and Alice. I spent a lot of time at Edward's new house; we hadn't spoke again about me moving in, but Edward dropped hints often that he wanted me to live with him. I hadn't forgotten about his offer and it was sounding better and better with each passing day, but there were things I need to take care of first.

In the privacy of Edward's new house we explored our physical relationship a bit more. It has been very pleasurable, if I must say so myslef. The first time I tried to pleasure Edward was a little traumatic, not during the act, but after. During the act all I could think about was making him feel as good as he made me and I was happy to do it for him. Afterwards however, my emotions ran wild and flashbacks hit me like lightening. I was apprehensive to do it again, but as I climaxed around his gorgeous face I didn't have a second thought. I returned the favor and afterwards he held me close and whispered all his love to me, helping to ward off the flashbacks and strong emotions.

The strength of our love grew more clearer with each passing day and Edward almost made me feel like I could do anything. New dreams and goals for my life were starting to haunt my thoughts. I knew that soon I would have to follow my new dreams or they would just eat away at me. I couldn't ignore the fact that I had a life to live any longer. My therapy sessions were teaching me that it was alright to live on and have a life. There was still guilt, sadness, longing, and internal turmoil, but I was learning to deal with those things. I knew that it wasn't going to happen overnight, if ever.

Everything in my life was changing and I wasn't sure if I was ready for it, but I knew it was time for me to change with it. I needed to move forward and first I would do that within myself and then I would do it with Edward.

"Hey kiddio," my dad said, knocking on my door and peaking in.

"Hey," I said, glancing up from the college application I had been staring at for the last hour. I was starting on the essay when I went off into my internal pep talk of moving forward.

"What you go there?" He asked, sitting on the edge of my bed and turning the application towards him so he could read it. "Community college?" He raised an eyebrow at me, making me nervous.

I fiddled with the edge of the paper as I thought about what I should say next.

"Yeah, I just thought it was time to go back and finish." I didn't meet his eyes as I spoke, but I heard him sigh and then felt his fingers on my chin. He lifted my face up to meet my eyes. I thought I would see anger or even disappointment, but I found neither.

"I think that is a wonderful idea," he said sincerely.

"Really?"

"Of course, are you still going to go for teaching?"

I stared at him for a moment, surprised that he was so happy and supportive of this. The last time we talked about college he wasn't on board; he had wanted me to continue racing and take over the garage.

"Something like that," I told him, smirking. He narrowed his eyes at me and I launched into my harebrained plan.

"I was thinking that I would get my certificate in auto tech and possibly take a few business classes, nothing major. I want to teach auto mechanics, specializing in classic cars. Working with teens with illnesses, bad home lives, or even drug addictions. I want to make a difference; I want to somehow use the technique of rebuilding a car like rebuilding your life. The concept being a rehab for life. What do you think?"

My father stared at me with an emotion I could only explain as awe. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he was finally able to speak.

"I think that is amazing and perfect for you."

He kissed my head and we sat, talking about all the details of what I wanted to do. We talked about my road trip with Edward, without mentioning that Edward wanted me to move in, and he told me about his trip with Sue. It seemed that they had an amazing time and were now classifying their relationship as serious. It hurt a little to hear, but I was happy for him none the less. He deserved to be happy and to continue living.

Once I had told my father about my plans for the future, I was a little more encouraged to tell Edward. It was one thing to have the idea in my head; it was another to tell other people. I just had to find the time to tell him; he was really busy planning a homecoming party for Jasper with Alice. They were going to have it at the bar and Alice was running Edward ragged trying to make it perfect.

Being pregnant hadn't slowed Alice down at all; she was still as perky and bouncy as ever. She always had something going on and the girl already had bought stuff for the baby. They hadn't found out the sex yet, but she was still buying every gender neutral thing she could find.

Rose was different; she was laid back and milking her pregnancy a little more than necessary at times. Emmett waited on her hand and foot; it was rather sweet to see. The twins were even excited at the prospect of their little sister or brother. Rose was praying to high heavens that it was a girl. She said she couldn't take much more testosterone in her house. Esme was everywhere at once, helping out both of her expecting daughters; she was overwhelmed with excitement.

It was all happy times and I felt like the weight of the world was slowly lifting off of my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe again, like I could love and live. It was all so beautiful; it wasn't perfect, there was no such thing as perfect, but it was beautiful.

I sat on the bar stool next to Rose watching Alice and Jasper from across the room. They couldn't keep their hands off each other and they both were positively glowing. They were going to make amazing parents and I couldn't help the small amount of jealousy and pain that passed through me. I wanted what they had; I mean, I had the love with Edward, but I wanted the rest of it also. I wanted what they had and I wanted it with my Edward.

"So," Rose said elbowing me and I glanced up to see her blue eyes sparkling at me with curiosity.

"So," I said back shrugging my shoulders. She pursed her lips and I chuckled at her. She was obviously trying to get some information out of me, but I wasn't sure what.

"I heard from a little birdie that Edward asked you to move in…" She let the sentence drop off there.

"Would that birdie be named Alice?" I asked sarcastically, shaking my head. Rose laughed.

"Did her bird legs give it away?" We both chuckled at Rose's joke. We got silent after that, me not answering her question and her not pushing it, but apparently someone else had other plans.

"So are you going to move in with my brother or not?" Emmett asked leaning around Rose with an innocent look on his face. Rose elbowed him in the gut.

"Real subtle, Emmett," she hissed and I laughed harder.

"What is going on over here?" Edward's voice rang through my laughter and I sat up straighter and looked at him through my curtain of hair. His timing was impeccable.

The conversation, or rather, Spanish Inquisition, was forgotten as I took him in. He was sexy in his dark wash jeans and black button up shirt; the sleeves pushed up his arms, showing off his ink. His hair in its usual disarray of bronze spikes and of course, his emeralds shinning with only love for me.

"Oh, we were just trying to get the dirt from Bella," Emmett said, chuckling, and I could feel my blush return.

"Really?" Edward questioned, wrapping his arm around me and placing a feather light kiss on my lips.

"Yeah, she was just about to tell us if she was going to move in with your sorry ass or not," Emmett explained raising his eyebrow at me.

Rose tried to act offended by her husband's nosiness, but I could see she was truly curious. I looked anywhere but in Edward's eyes because I still wasn't sure if I was going to move in with him or not. I didn't want him or anyone else to think that I didn't' love him more than anything in the world. I mean, I knew I wanted to move in with him, but there was still so much to consider. One of those things being my father and another being that I wasn't sure I could control my actions if I was in close proximity to Edward on a daily basis.

"Well?" My head whipped around at the sound of Leah's voice and I was shocked to see just how many people were listening in on our conversation. My face got even redder and I took a deep breath as everyone stared at me in anticipation. I hoped Edward would step in and tell them to butt out, but he was stiff next to me. I couldn't look up at him to see what he was thinking. I figured he was just as curious as they were, just as he cleared his throat to speak someone else stepped in.

"Leave the girl alone," Esme said waving her arms around at all the nosey people. She then wrapped her arm around me and dragged me away from their all too curious ears.

"Thank you," I whispered as she took me towards a quiet table in the back. I didn't look back to see what Edward's expression read.

"Don't thank me yet, sweetie," she said patting my hand.

We took our seats at a table that was a little more secluded than the others and she looked at me with her motherly, all-knowing eyes.

"You will have to excuse my children, they have no tact or sense at times." She waved her hand in mock disapproval. I could see she wanted to question me just as badly as they had; I smirked at her, letting her know I was onto her.

"I wonder where they get it from, I can see you want to question me just as badly as they do," I told her smiling. It was more relaxed with Esme and the lack of eyes that were on me. Although I could feel someone's gaze on me and by the pull towards it I had a pretty good idea who it belonged too.

"Oh my dear, I already know the answer to the question, I am more concerned with why not?"

I looked at her, confused, before voicing my confusion. "Why not, what?"

"Why aren't you going to move in with my son? Don't get me wrong it is your choice, but I can see in your eyes that you want to. You really want to, but something is holding you back. It is none of my business why not, but I just thought I would point something out to you. You always hold back, just a part of you. I have seen you happier than ever lately, but you are still worrying and holding back. I know that is a part of who you are, but you're not the only one I see changes in. I see changes in my son; he is a better person because of you. He loves you so much and I know you two are going to accomplish amazing things together. You are twin souls. So I have to tell you to let go, you know better than anyone that life is too short, sometimes you have to let go and let love lead the way." She patted my hand and left the table before I could even respond to her words.

They floated around in my head and I was so lost in thought I didn't even hear Edward sit down until he spoke.

"I'm sorry." My eyes snapped up to his and I could see regret floating in them.

"What?" My eyebrows rose in confusion. He reached out and caressed my hand, then raised it and placed a gentle kiss on the back of it. Electricity flowed through me like a live wire.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let them question you like that. I am sorry I asked you to move in; it is obvious that you are not ready for that. I am such an idiot…" I interrupted his rant right there by placing my lips on his.

I got up from my seat and moved into his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my fingers found purchase in his hair. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist and in that room full of people we kissed passionately. I tried to relay to him my fears, my love, and my answer.

I was going to move in with the beautiful man before me. Esme was right, life was too short and I wasn't going to waste any more time. It was Edward and I forever.


	24. Chapter 24 Dancing into the Future

**Disclaimer: All recognizable plot & characters belong to SM.**

**Huge thank you to those or you that are reviewing, keep it coming!**

**Also, a big enormous thank you to my Beta Elli, she is awesomeness dealing with my lack of comma use. Thanks girl!**

**Okay, carry on…**

**Chapter 24**

"**Dancing into the Future"**

**Bella's POV**

Time always moves and sometimes you make the most of it and sometimes you waste it. I had wasted enough time and I was finally living; living with my one true love.

I watched him closely as he cursed and tossed things around; he was beautiful even when he was yelling at inanimate objects. As his shirtless body turned from side to side, I was able to catch a glimpse of his newest tattoo and it warmed my heart. I ran my hand across my ribs, over my shirt, thinking of my own tattoo.

Living with Edward hadn't been what I expect at all and I loved every minute of it. It wasn't awkward or strange, we fell into perfect harmony almost immediately. I saw sides of Edward I had never seen before; we were so comfortable around each other that we moved together like a sequenced dance move. We had already formed a routine and I honestly felt like I was living in some blissful 1950's sitcom.

Things had progressively gotten hot and heavy in the sheets between the two of us and after living together for three months we couldn't let my past keep getting in the way. Edward was so gentle and calm with me and as he took my body higher I forgot everything but what he was making me feel. After that things got easier in that department and I loved and felt even closer to him than before. It felt like we were made for each other and I could honestly say that I was happy.

However, I was learning that when Edward was nervous or stressed, he took his frustrations out on things that can't defend themselves. Case and point our closet.

Alice and Rosalie were both due to have their babies any time and, to top it off, Alice had been on bed rest for the last two months of her pregnancy. Carrying a child was taking a heavy toll on her small frame and she also had a case of toxemia, so it had been a stressful time. The doctors assured everyone that she and the baby would be fine but everyone was more than stressed about what toll the delivery would take on Alice and Jackson Jasper Cullen. Yep, that is right; Jasper and Alice were having a baby boy. Which was taking its own toll on me ,but I was finding my way to be alright with it all. Then there was Rose who was the essence of beauty, even at nine months pregnant. She was unstoppable, the ultimate super mom; you wouldn't even know she was pregnant if it wasn't for the big watermelon attached to the front of her. Oh and Rose didn't want to know the sex of the baby until he or she was here. So, none of us knew if it was an Emily or an Evan.

Anyway, all of that was what had Edward in such a hissy fit at the moment; he was throwing everything out of his closet and cussing every object he touched. I still had no idea what he was looking for but it was amusing watching him so out of control. Edward ranting and irritated was sexy and very funny. I watched him with a complacent smile on my face. Once upon a time his yelling and cussing would have scared the shit out of me, but I knew Edward would never hurt me and he would never direct his frustration towards me. I trusted him.

"Babe, can I help you find something before your closet starts fighting back."

He jumped slightly and turned to look at me, wide eyed; he obviously hadn't known that I was watching him. I laughed freely at his expression and he shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. I learned recently it was his way of trying to get himself under control.

"I am sorry, I didn't know you were there," he whispered, looking at me apologetically. As much as I enjoyed watching him let loose and act irrational, he hated for me to see it. It was like he thought he had to always be on top of his game and solid for me, but in truth, it made me think we were a little more even. Of course, we would never truly be even; Edward would always be high above me.

I tried to keep the smile on my face as this thought struck me, but I could feel the frown taking over. I loved Edward with all my heart and soul, but I knew that my past and the things I had lost would always follow me like a shadow. I would never truly be good enough for Edward.

"Stop," he said, staring me down. Edward had a way of knowing exactly what I was thinking.

Living together had strengthened our bond and I honestly felt like we were one person the majority of the time.

"Stop what?" I asked innocently, but I wasn't fouling him.

He walked over to me and pulled me into his arms, tucking my head into his chest. I took a deep breath of his scent that had just a small hint of sweat mixed in, and shivered. Edward's smell was amazing and I was embarrassed to say that it woke up parts of me that ached for him.

My eyes floated to his chest and my fingers ran across the risen flesh of his dark ink against his pale chest, the words making me smile.

Edward and I had gotten our tattoos we agreed to in California, but in the end we couldn't think of anything for each other; Edward had an idea for himself and I had one for me and come to find out that those ideas were close to the same. So we commerce with each other and perfected our tats.

On his chest above his heart laid the words "_My Forever Soul" _the words were straight out of his song he wrote for me. On my ribs, which was painful as hell, I had the lyrics to the same song but changed up a little:

_I want to hold you tightYou make the darkness fade to lightEverything with you just feels so rightI'll love you for lifeYou are my one and onlyMy forever soul_

"I love you," he said, kissing my head.

"I love you, too."

We sat for a long time just wrapped around each other; he was trying to comfort me and let me know that I was enough for him and I was trying to express my need for him. Most of the things we needed to say seemed to be unspoken now-a-days. After I felt grounded again I looked up at him, smirking. He moved the hair out of my face and smiled my favorite crooked smile.

"What's the look for?" he asked, cupping my face in his hands.

"Why were you destroying the closet?" He shook his head and sighed, acting as if he didn't want to tell me. I arched a perfectly waxed eyebrow-thanks to Alice- and he conceded.

"I can't find my favorite guitar pick."

I smiled at him, laughing, and pushed myself out of his lap. I then made my way over to the closet and reached up above the door and handed him the tiny special-made box for his favorite pick. He stared at me, shocked, and then hit his palm to his forehead as he recalled placing it there the week before.

I just laughed as I made my way out of the room to finish up dinner. Edward yelled after me…

"I would be so lost without you; thanks."

_Good, because I would be dead without you, _I thought as I pulled Edward's favorite casserole out of the oven.

It was true, Edward had not only saved my life, but he had given me a life. His voice floated into the kitchen as he strummed his guitar and I sang along with him as I prepared our dinner.

_I close my eyes and see her faceShe takes everything's eyes are like sweet chocolateHer walls built so high and her heart is in every night she fills my dreams and she is everything to me.I want to hold her tightI want her darkness to fade to lightEverything with her just feels so rightI'll love her for lifeShe is my one and onlyMy forever soulWhen the dark fades to light, everything will be alrightI'll tear those walls down And put the pieces of her heart back togetherBecause she takes everything's placeI close my eyes and see your faceYou take everything's placeYour eyes are like sweet chocolateYour walls built so high, your heart is in piecesBut every night you fill my dreams, you are everything to meI promise to hold you tight and make everything all rightYou are everything to meMy heart…..My soul…..My love…..My everything_

Wrapped in pink with bright blue eyes and peach fuzz for hair I meet Emily Lily Cullen. She was such a beautiful baby and tears glistened in my eyes as I held her. It was strange how you can feel like you forgot how to hold a baby when it has been years since you had held one. For me it had been years since I looked at one, and when Rose went in for her c-section early in the morning, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle it, but with Edward by my side it seemed so easy.

The innocent baby curled her tiny hand around my finger and held on tight. She was a strong little bundle of joy and my heart swelled with pride. I couldn't bring myself to feel sad or heartbroken as I looked into the eyes that already had me loving her.

A tear slipped down my cheek as I smiled at her and her eyes fluttered closed as she dozed off. I looked up, hearing sniffling, and found everyone staring at me. Rose had the mother afterglow and she was watching me with pride. I hadn't wanted to hold Emily because I was scared, but Rose placed the baby in my hands and hadn't given me a choice. I smiled back at her in thanks; she brushed a tear from her eyes and winked at me. Emmett had an arm wrapped around Rose and his eyes locked on the newest girl in his life; I could tell that he was going to be one of those overprotective fathers. Carlisle and Esme couldn't seem to choose who they wanted to stare at, Edward or I; their eyes were moving back and forth between us, Esme's with tears streaming out of them.

Lastly I looked up at Edward; he was staring down on me with the most heart-warming look. One would think that I was holding his child and not his niece; or better yet, our child. I could see it in his eyes- Edward longed for a child. The longing and love was reflected back in my eyes because as I held Emily I knew I, too, wanted another baby. I ached for the child I had lost, but there had to be room in my heart because I had loved again since I lost and that was saying something.

Suddenly the door slammed open causing us all to jump and Emily to start shrieking. Just as Jasper barged into the room Rose reached for Emily and I handed the crying infant over to her mother.

"What on God's green earth is wrong with…?" Carlisle didn't finish his sentence as he took in the panicked state of Jasper and we all fell silent; well, with the exception of Emily.

"Alice…baby…now…" he said in a rushed voice and everyone started firing off questions.

Apparently on the way to the hospital to see Emily and take some pictures for Alice, Alice called him saying that he needed to come back and get her. Her water had broken and she was having contractions. Of course all of this was hard to get out of frantic Jasper as we followed him out the door and down the hall to the room they were setting Alice up in.

Jasper entered first with Carlisle and Esme hot on his heels, and then followed by Edward and me. Emmett hadn't followed, staying behind with Rose and Emily.

As soon as we entered I heard Alice's no non-sense voice at an angry level.

"I said to give me the drugs!" I held back a chuckle as I recalled two weeks beforehand she said she wasn't allowing any one to stick a big ass needle in her back.

"I told you, Mrs. Cullen, the anesthesiologist isn't here right now. You are only at a three and he should be back within the next hour or so," the nurse said softly, unfazed by Alice's anger.

"Alice, baby," Jasper said, taking her hand as another contraction hit and she laid back on the bed in pain.

I flinched, recalling the pain, and Edward held me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist.

He kissed just behind my ear whispering, "You aright?"

I nodded, turning my head just enough so that he could see my eyes. I never needed words as long as he could see my eyes; I was his open book. He smiled at me and then we focused on Alice.

"Carlisle, please," Alice begged.

"I am sorry, sweetie, but I think you are going to have to hold on a little longer," he answered with an apologetic smile.

Watching Alice cry and Jasper freak out not knowing what to do with her and Esme trying to comfort her but failing to do so, I remembered the pain and tried to remember what had helped me. I slowly left Edward's arms and made my way over to Alice. Everyone watched me as I lowered the rail and ushered for her to lay on her side.

"Just breathe, Alice," I told her comfortingly. I started massaging her back as she laid on her side and held onto the rail on the other side of the bed. She relaxed slightly so I kept talking to her.

"Emily is just beautiful and Rose is absolutely glowing. Just think, in no time you will be holding Jack and all this pain will be behind you. You and Jasper are going to have your baby today." I saw the corner of her lips lift up slightly, but it quickly turned into a grimace as another contraction hit.

I continued to massage her lower back and try to bring her a little relief; she held onto the rail tightly and road it out without screaming this time. She glanced over her shoulder at me after she recovered from it and her lips lifted into a lazy smile.

"Thanks, Bella."

I shook my head, telling her not to mention it; everyone stayed quiet as I rubbed Alice's back and hummed to her. After what seemed like hours of massaging her back and helping her through contractions I could feel her relax and her eyes drift closed just as another contraction hit. After I got her past it I glanced at Carlisle.

"How far apart where those?"

"A couple of minutes," he said and then added that he would go get the nurse to check Alice.

When the nurse came in and everyone was going to step out she clinched onto my hand and wouldn't let me leave. So, with me on one side and Jasper on the other, the nurse checked her right when a contraction hit.

"Alright, all finished," the nurse told Alice, patting her knees. Alice went right back to the position she had been in before and I continued rubbing her back.

Everyone filed back into the room as soon as the nurse was out and only minutes later Alice's doctor entered the room.

"How are we doing?" he asked, washing his hands and pulling on a pair of latex gloves.

"Just wonderful," Alice said, sobbing.

The contractions had gotten closer and she was in even more pain. From the way she was laying and the places she was complaining about I was sure she was having all her labor in her tiny back.

"Well, it looks like you are already at an eight and moving fast. Do you still want an epidural?" The doctor asked after he checked Alice again. She glanced up at me as if for advice.

"Bella, did you have one?" She asked me with pain in her eyes. I was trying my damndest not to think back to my labor and delivery but Alice had sent me there. I shook my head no and she watched me for a moment before she looked to her doctor.

"I think I am going to do it without," she stated strongly.

"Alice, honey, are you sure?" Jasper asked, holding her hand, worry written all over his face.

"I'm positive."

The doctor explained that there was no going back if she decided not to have it but Alice showed her stubborn side and, since she was in the middle of contraction when she answered, he nodded in approval. After the contraction was over she glanced at me with thankful eyes.

"You are so good at this," she said, glancing down at my hands.

"I guess it runs in the family," I told her with a wink. She arched an eyebrow at me questionably; I sighed, knowing she wanted to know what I meant by that. "My mother did the same for me and it helped," I shrugged and she nodded in understanding.

Thirty minutes later the nurse said that all but two people had to leave the room. I stepped back away from Alice and she clung onto my hand.

"Please stay, Bella," she pleaded with me.

I stared at her, wide-eyed. Being there for labor was one thing, but delivery was a completely different story.

"Don't you want Esme to stay?" I asked, glancing desperately at Esme.

Esme smiled at Alice, telling her that whatever she choose was fine and I wanted to scream at her to just tell Alice no, that she wanted to see her grandbaby be born.

"Please, Bella, you are my best friend, my sister, and I need you," she pleaded with me and I relented. I selflessly agreed to stay.

Edward reluctantly left me with a kiss and assuring me that he was outside if I needed him. Jasper and I stayed in the room with Alice and I felt my nerves hit an all time high. The only delivery I had ever been present for was my own and I could feel all those memories trying to come back to me. I pushed them away just as quickly as they came and did my best to focus on Alice. She needed me.

Not long after, the doctor came in and Alice started pushing. I held her knee and hand while whispering encouragingly words to her. Jasper stood on her other side holding her hand and not taking his eyes off her face. You could see the anxiety brewing in him, and as the doctor said something about the head showing, I saw him sway. Then his eyes darted down to Alice's spread open legs and he fell over in slow motion.

A nurse helped Jasper up off the floor and into a chair. He sat there with his head in his hands and I did my best to support Alice and keep her focus on the baby. After nearly two hours of pushing we heard the cries of little Jack and tears filled my eyes as the doctor handed me the scissors. Jasper had waved off cutting the cord for fear of passing out again. The stress of watching Alice in so much pain and seeing his own child be born had wore him out. I wasn't sure how something like that could bother and amry doctor, but I guess when it came to the person you loved anything was possible.

I cut the cord and then I looked into Jackson's eyes.

My hands shook as I took in his dark features; he had Alice's dark hair and familiar dimples hinted around the corner of his tiny crusted lips. The familiar dimples that were barely visible on his grandpa Carlisle's wrinkled face, the dimples that his uncle Emmett showed every time he smiled. The dimples that reminded me of my EJ. Jackson looked nothing like EJ, their features nowhere in the same field, but those dimples and that dark hair was enough to send me back to one of the happiest and worst days of my life. The day my baby boy was born and the day they told me he would die.

As they cleaned Alice and Jackson up and then handed him to his parents I felt my hands start to shake. Alice held him close to her chest and Jasper kissed both of their heads, completely recovered from his fainting incident.

I mumbled something about going and finding the rest of the family, but I barely made it out the door before sobs rocked through me. The halls were empty so I slid down the wall and wrapped my arms around my knees. I had to get a hold of myself, but all I could think about was the way that EJ had been taken from the room before I could hold him, the way my day of joy was turned to a day of pain. All I could think about was my son and the fact that life was completely unfair.

I felt breathless and weak as sobs rocked me, and then like light in the darkness, his arms were around me. He was whispering into my ear and the panic attack started to subside. He held me to his chest; he was my strength when I was weak, he was my happiness when I was sad, he was my breath when I was breathless, and he was my world.

With Edward's help I was able to collect myself and not ruin the beautiful day.

Emily Lily Cullen was born at eight fifty-nine in the morning at six pounds and seven ounces; her cousin, Jackson Jasper Cullen was born in the same hospital, on the same floor at eleven oh-five in the evening at nine pounds and two ounces.

Jackson was a big baby which brought answers to why it was so difficult for Alice's hundred pound body to carry him.

We all laughed at Jasper passing out and we all gushed about how beautiful both babies were. It was a beautiful scene and a beautiful time.

Later, when Edward and I finally got home, he held me close and even though I knew I was nowhere near ready, I knew that one day I would be able to have his children, our children.

"Edward."

"Mmhh," he mumbled, completely exhausted.

"You're going to make a great father someday."

"Only if you are the mother," he said, half asleep. I smiled to myself as I drifted off.

The scars cut deep and left me breathless and weak, but with him the pain seemed less real. Edward is always there when I get lost; he will always find me and pull me back to the happiness he granted me. We were meant to be.

**A/N: Guess what? Only the Epilogue is left and I am already working on it. Sensual Inamorata's era will be over soon. I know my heart is breaking also. **

**PLEASE LEAVE ME SOME LOVE, EVEN IT IS A DAMN SMILY FACE! **

**THANKS, LOVE YOU LONG TIME!**


	25. Chapter 25 Epilogue

**Last a/n for Sensual Inamorata**

**This is the final chapter, it is here and it is the end. I am sad, but happy. As my great beta said to me "All good things must come to an end." Which, is very true. This has been my baby for awhile, but it is time for it to be over. Though it will truly never be over for some I hope; I hope that when you see a little boy you think of Ethan and Bella, I hope that my story lives on with you and that small things bring back the emotions my words were meant to invoke in you. I hope you all enjoyed it and you will leave me a kind review.**

**A HUGE thank you to my beta and friend Elli, she is so patient and did a really great job at making this story better. **

**Also, if you get emails about updates on this, it is because in the next few months I will be editing it and fixing a lot of stuff in the beginning chapters. **

**Last, but defiantly not least; thank you all for reading, reviewing, and sticking with me to the end. I will write weather anyone reads it or not, but it is a great feeling to share with others; so thank you.**

**Okay, I will hold you no longer, here is the end of it all. Enjoy.**

**Love,**

**Laura**

**Epilogue**

**Narrative POV**

"_Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it just means you have decided to see beyond the imperfections."_

The sun was high in the sky, its heat penetrating their pale Washington skin, but they soaked it up with happiness. It was such a contrast to what they were used to and the warmth felt good on their skin.

The blue seashell-covered beach house sat right on the Pacific Ocean; the smell of sea salt and sunshine filling their senses as happy laughter filled the summer rental.

The entire Cullen, Black, and Swan families had gathered in Southern California for a family vacation. Even though they all still lived close to each other they still liked to get away from their tiny town as a family. Family was the most important thing to them; they were always a united front.

This vacation was different than the others, this one was in celebration, it was one full of joy. Ross had just graduated from college with a Ph.D and Ryan was going into his second season as starting quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks. On top of that Emily and Jackson had just graduated from high school, both of which planning on attending top notch colleges.

The whole family had gathered together to celebrate their accomplishments and spend time together before everyone was once again busy with life.

These accomplishments weren't the only thing they were celebrating: they were also celebrating life.

Carlisle and Esme sat in the corner of the room, aged from their years as parents and grandparents. They both had long retired and spent their time with their children and grandchildren. Watching them grow up and mature had been the highlight of their lives together and they were just as much in love as the day they married.

Emmett and Rosalie sat chatting with their two oldest twins, pride radiating off of them. Both Rose and Emmett had aged well and didn't appear old enough to have children out of college and with a professional football career. Their youngest and last child sat on the arm of the couch next to her daddy. Emily was all legs and blond hair just like her mother, but she had her fathers personality and they were best friends. They could have anyone in the room rolling on the floor with laughter.

Not far away from Emily sat Jackson, the two had been inseparable since the day they were born. Best friends and confidants, they relied on each other like ying and yang. They even planned to go to the same college and room together, even though Emmett wanted his daughter in an all girls dorm rather than sharing an apartment with her cousin; who would most likely have friends of the horny male variety. Though, in the end, Emmett knew that Jack would look out for Em always.

Jasper sat in a chair near the window staring at Alice; even after all the years that had passed he could just sit and watch her. Alice was in her own bubble with a smile on her face as she discussed Emily's wardrobe for college. Jasper and Alice had decided to stop having children after Jackson, feeling their family was complete with just the three of them. So, Alice had to play dress up with her nieces, but they all loved her more for it.

On the floor on a big rug sat Jacob and his wife Leah, they were playing blocks with their latest foster child. Leah and Jacob were never able to conceive children, but that didn't stop them from fostering over the years. They had up to ten kids in their house at one time, but now that they were older they kept it down to only a couple. Also the loss of Billy Black from natural causes had been hard on Jake.

At the time they were playing with Brady, he was only three and both of them were completely in love with him. They had already started filling out the adoption papers not wanting to let him slip into the foster care cracks.

Sue was sitting in a chair near the rug interaction with Leah, Brady, and Jacob. Even though Sue was happy to be in the presence of her family, she had been widowed for the second time and she felt the absence of that love that was no longer in her presence.

Standing near the sliding glass door Bella watched four figures running through the sand and a colorful kite flying high in the sky. Her brown eyes sought out emeralds as she took in the frame of her husband. Edward's denim jeans were rolled up and his bare feet dug into the hot sand as he ran along with three of the four most beautiful girls in his life.

Renesmee Marie was born just two years after Edward and Bella were married; she was fourteen and about to start high school. Edward had already set some strict ground rules on her dating life, but they still managed to have a strong relationship. Her brown hair flowed down her back as she ran by laughing, her kite pulling her along. Edward couldn't help but think of how much she resembled her mother. She had even gotten into racing and Bella was helping her build her first car. It was a bond they shared and Bella was finally able to understand why her mother was so worried when she wanted to race. It was extremely scary sending your child out into a dangerous situation, but Bella wasn't one to hold back due to fear anymore. Well, in most aspects of her life.

Two identical eleven-year-olds sprang on Edward trying to tackle him to the ground in a fit of laughter. The three of them were a mess of bronze hair in the white sand. Carlie Grace and Katie Renee were a shock to Edward and Bella, but they took it in stride. Raising twin girls wasn't easy, but they should have seen it coming since Emmett and Rose had twins and Edward's great grandparents also had two sets of twins.

Both Carlie and Katie were spiting images of their father and identical to each other in appearance with the exception of one thing: their eyes; Carlie had brown eyes like her mother, grandfather, and her older sister; but Katie somehow managed to beat the genetic trait and had her father's eyes. She looked more like Edward than any of the three and she was her mother's baby because every time Bella looked at her she saw Edward and with that she was putty in Katie's hands. In retrospect this was probably the reason Renesmee had Edward wrapped around her finger because she looked so much like Bella.

Bella had been right all those years ago when she told Edward he would be a great father because he was an amazing father and Bella was a incredible mother. The two balanced each other out, it had been rocky for the first few years; Bella was always waiting for something horrible to happen. When she was honest with herself she would admit that she still at times lets fear get the better of her and not a day passed that she didn't think of Ethan. She missed him and she saw the empty space that was left without him as she watched her family from the window.

"Are you okay?" Jasper's voice made her jump and she sighed putting her forehead against the glass.

"I don't know."

Jasper stood there silently watching the same scene deep in thought; he and Bella had become close over the years.

"Everything will work out," Jasper said, glancing at his sister-in-law and close friend.

Bella gave him a small half smile; she knew he was right, but some days were harder than others.

Just like Edward had always been able to, he sensed her mood and he knew something was wrong. She may have thought she was fooling him with the weak smiles she dished out, but she wasn't. He knew her better than she knew herself, he knew what every expression meant and what every distant look harbored on; so, it was a given that he knew that his wife was hiding something from him. He knew she would tell him when she was ready, but he hated that she was taking so long to tell him. He wanted Bella to confid in him so he could find a way to ease her worry and ease the distance he felt growing between them.

Jasper walked back towards his seat and Bella glanced around the room. Her chest tightened as she saw the three empty spaces that weren't filled. The three people in her life that she had lost along the way. First Ethan, then her mother, and then just two years ago her father. Charlie's death had been sudden and left Bella feeling like she was domed to outlive everyone. It was causing her anxiety and the last couple of years had been tough.

"I'm hungry. Let's get down to the beach and get that grill started," Emmett said, stopping the conversations in the room and breaking Bella from her thoughts.

Bella felt her hands start to shake as a bout of anxiety was making its way into her system. Anxiety still came and went over the years, but lately she had been having the attacks more often than she had in the last sixteen years. She excused herself to the bathroom.

Once behind the closed door she took deep breaths and tried to calm herself. As her breathing became normal again she opened her eyes. Her reflection stared back at her; she hadn't aged too badly, but the bags under her eyes were profound. She hadn't been sleeping well and even though she had received great news recently, she was still suffering with depression. It was trying to drown her and she felt like she had to put on a brave face and not share it with anyone. Not even the love of her life. Things had been so perfect and she didn't want to ruin it.

"Bella," Rosalie's voice carried into the bathroom. Bella took a deep breath and fixed a smile on her face before opening the door.

"Hey," she said to her sister-in-law as Alice peeked her head around Rosalie.

"Hey, you alright?" Rose asked, arching an eyebrow at her.

"Perfect," Bella lied.

Rosalie eyed her suspiciously and Alice gave her a knowing look, Bella pushed past them and headed down to the beach. She hated hiding things from her family, but she just couldn't ruin such an amazing vacation.

"Hey, soul," Edward called out as he wrapped Bella up in his strong arms.

"Hey, forever," she whispered back as she stole a kiss from his lips.

"Ewe, come on we are about to eat," Renesmee said, causing everyone to chuckle.

It wasn't unusual for Edward and Bella's daughter (or the rest of the family for that matter) to see their affection for each other. The two were in fact forever souls and that relationship shined through to everyone in their vicinity. No matter how much their children pretended to be grossed out by it they had to admit that it gave them a solid foundation of what love should be. It told them that true love was real and that if you waited for it you could have your fairytale. Edward and Bella weren't the fairytale story you would read about in a children's books, but they were a fairytale to their children.

As the food finished grilling, they all sat around eating and reminiscing like the happy, whole family they were.

"Haha, do you remember that time Bella almost lost her mind over a cough?" Emmett laughed, recalling the time that a nine month old Emily had scared Bella to death.

Everyone chuckled lightly, the occasion being funny now that it was eighteen years in the past.

"Hey, I was just being over-protective of your child; that should be a good thing," Bella defended with her hands raised and a small smile on her face.

"Yeah, I think even over-protective is an understatement," Emmett laughed, taunting his little sister-in-law.

"What happened?" Carlie asked curiously.

"You have never heard this story?" Emily asked making the same playful look as her father.

"Nope," Carlie answered, a blush coloring her pale cheeks.

"Me either," Katie added, saving her sister embarrassment.

"Well, my little Emma Bug here was only nine months old and just starting to stand up on her own," Emmett said putting his arm around his daughter and kissing her head. "We were all at the house, your dad, mom, grandpa, and grandma; it was after your dad proposed to your mom. Even thought the wedding date was a year away the women were already planning the wedding; anyway Emily was using the table to balance herself while she stood in the living room floor. She started coughing as she had a pretty nasty cold a few days prior and your mom flips out, she jumps up running towards Emily and it scares Em, so she loses her balance and hits her head on the coffee table. Then Bella swoops her up and starts hitting her on the back," Emmett is laughing at this point so hard there are tears in his eyes.

"Emily had a bump growing on her head, but she just stared at Bella like she is a mad woman."

"Why did you freak out?" Renesmee asked, remembering hearing the story, but not the reasoning behind her mother's freak out. Bella blushed and then narrowed her eyes at Emmett.

"Well, to start with, your uncle's memory and perception of what happened is skewed. I hadn't been planning the wedding; I had been listening to plans and watching Emily play. She kept putting things in her mouth and Rose kept taking them from her, then I looked away and all of a sudden she was coughing. It was a bad cough and I thought that she was chocking and nobody was doing anything. I felt horrible afterwards for the bump on her head, but I didn't know about her cold, so…" Bella dropped the sentence there, her cheeks still flushed; Edward kissed her head in silent encouragement.

"You think that is bad she makes us go to the doctor twice a year and we have to have blood drawn at least once a year," Katie said casually to her cousin Emily and everyone fell silent.

There was a reason Bella sent the girls to the doctor twice a year and had their blood drawn, it was the same reason that Bella also went twice a year and had her blood drawn. They had learned a few years after the twins were born that Renee's cancer was hereditary. Just two years prior to the vacation, they had seen just how important those twice a year appointments were.

"Your mother loves you and just wants to be sure you are alright," Esme said patting her granddaughter's shoulder.

"Hey, Bells, I know we are on vacation and what not, but Seth just emailed me the new brochure," Jake said, waving Bella over to his laptop.

Bella's idea for her rehab for life plan had turned into a full on business. She was making differences in lives and teaching people to move forward the way she had. She had brought Jake in early on to help her as the business grew and soon after it became a full-fledged rehab center. At that point Edward sold all his bars and decided to stay at home with the girls and focus on helping Bella's business move forward. He had loved his bars at one point in his life, but with children and Bella's rehab center it didn't seem like the most appropriate business for him to own. It was like feeding the addictions to the people Bella was trying to save. So in all things odd Edward had been a work from home dad and took care of the kids while Bella worked.

Bella looked over the new brochure, pleased; the background was a calm cool lake view with a beautiful swan floating on the calm water. In bold letters it read:

**Swan Lake**

**Rehabilitation Center and Women's Shelter**

"**Rebuild Your Life, One Car at a Time"**

_Women and Children's Shelter_

_Alcohol and Drug Addiction Rehabilitation Facility_

_AA and NA Meetings_

_Orphaned and Troubled Teens Camps_

"It is perfect, Jake," Bella said smiling at him. He nodded and sent a message back to his brother-in-law Seth, telling him to print them up.

"Mom!" Kate yelled, making her way into the room. A sly, crooked smile on her face, she really was the clone of her father.

"What?" Bella asked, jumping when Kate yelled her name.

"You have to come with me and see what uncle Emmett has Nessie doing."

Bella took a deep breath and followed her daughter out of the room, she was honestly afraid to see what they were up to.

"What are they up too, Katie Bug?" Bella asked, wrapping her arm around her daughter's shoulders.

"Oh, just wait and see," she chuckled, her laugh sounding like music to Bella's ears.

Bella froze on the back deck as she looked out onto the beach and into the ocean. Her oldest daughter, the dare devil of their family was almost too far out into the ocean for her to see. Emmett on one side of her and Ryan on the other, all on surfboards watching the waves. Bella felt her heart accelerate as she thought about her fourteen-year-old daughter out in the middle of the ocean with the waves, sharks, and god-only-knew what else.

She felt sick to her stomach and she was about to run out to the ocean and go after her when she felt solid arms wrap around her waist. Edward's scent engulfed her.

"She will be alright," he assured her.

Bella wanted to believe him, but that was her baby.

"Do you think I would have let her do it, if I didn't believe she would be alright?" Bella knew he was being truthful; Edward was just as protective of the girls as she was.

"I know, but still… anything could happen," Bella's voice was shaky and uneven.

"Trust."

So, that is what Bella did; she trusted her daughter, her husband, her brother-in-law, her nephew, and she trusted God. She watched as Emmett nodded to Nessie to take the wave coming up; it was a big one. Not too big, but a good size. Bella clenched to Edward's arm, trusting, but still afraid.

Slowly, but all too quickly, Nessie popped up on the board and was in the wave, she was flowing gracefully and Bella's heart was racing in her chest. She even felt Edward's arms tighten around her; he was worried even if he did have trust and faith. It was hard to watch your child do something dangerous.

It felt like an eternity before Nessie came gliding out of the surf and cheers erupted on the beach and in the ocean. On her first try she had rode through the wave like a pro and Bella felt herself breathe easier as she saw them head for the shore.

"Did you see me, mom?" Nessie asked, running up to her parents.

"I did, you were amazing!" Bella cheered as she pulled her daughter into a tight hug, soaking her clothes.

Suddenly a rush of emotions over took her; she thought all the things that could have happened if everything hadn't worked out. She held on tight to her daughter happy that she had done something so amazing, but even happier that she was alright.

As Bella released Nessie Edward's arms wrapped around her and he kissed her neck. He was trying to give her a feeling of peace and silently let her know he was there. Bella soaked it up and as Emmett walked by she punched him in the gut.

"Hey, what was that for?"

"You know what it was for," she said pointing a finger at him. Edward chuckled.

"Oh, she is fine, Bells," Emmett sighed, rolling his eyes.

"She is and I would like to keep it that way."

Bella stared out into the ocean from the small table that sat on the back deck of the small diner. Edward's eyes were on her- no matter how beautiful of a view sat around them, nothing was more beautiful to him than her. She could feel his eyes on her and she knew he was trying to read her. Trying to zero in on where the tension and distance was coming from.

"Bella," he whispered as he reached across the table taking her hand. She looked up at him and a single tear ran down her cheek. "Oh, baby," Edward said, going around the table and picking her up. He took her back to his side of the table and sat her in his lap wrapping his arms around her. He held her tight.

"Talk to me, baby."

He just couldn't see tears roll down those cheeks without thinking about the broken girl he fell in love with.

"Come on, baby, it is just me and you," Edward whispered as he kissed the top of her head.

"I just…" Bella fought to find the words to express what she was feeling. Then the flood gates broke and she started talking and couldn't stop. "I am a mess, my head is all over the place, and my emotions are a wreck. I love and I lose, I care and it is so hard to choose. I am scared of the future and I feel like everything will slip away. I know I should be happy and whole, but it just isn't that way. I feel the anxiety and the ache in my chest coming back. At moments you and the girls make me so happy, but then like an invisible wind the sadness floods me. I feel guilty for feeling it and I just can't figure out how to get past it. I can't sleep, but at the same time I don't want to get out of bed. It is hard to find energy to get through the day and if you and the girls aren't in the same room as me my chest tightens. When I see a glimpse of my eyes in the mirror I think of Ethan and my father, when a bird chirps or Katie sings I think of my mother. Then, there is the fear, the nightmares, and I just can't get passed them. What is wrong with me?"

Edward's arms were tight around Bella and he just let her get it all off her chest, then he held her while she cried. He waited until she was calm to speak.

"Your therapist told you that none of this is about something being wrong with you. Depression is common, you lost your father two years ago and you fought cancer and kicked cancer's ass. It is normal to feel this way and, baby, I promise you there is nothing wrong with you."

Bella nodded her head and Edward kissed her head. Bella had been diagnosed with the cancer that killed her mother, it had been a rough year, but she had fought the cancer and came out with every bit of it cleared up. Medicine had come a long way and due to her yearly checkups Carlisle had caught it in time to cure her. She was a survivor, but along with the stress of going through treatment and losing her father, she had struggled. They all had, it was a rough road, but they made it through. Bella was still dealing and so was Edward in many ways, but Edward was confident they would make it through the aftermath as well.

"Do you want to talk about your nightmares or why you are afraid?" Edward asked brushing her tears away with his thumbs.

"It's stupid," she sighed, looking away from his piercing green eyes and to the ocean.

He gently turned her chin with his finger and stared into her eyes.

"Nothing you have to say is stupid," he assured her and with the trust of their years together she told him. He always had a way of getting things out of her.

"I am afraid I am going to outlive you all, I have nightmares often that I am all alone and you are all gone. I am afraid of losing another child, I am afraid of losing you, I have lost enough people and I don't think I can survive much more." By the time she finished she was crying again.

Edward held her tight. "You are NOT going to lose me; I am going to be here with you until the end. Our children will outlive us and we will have a beautiful life. Then when it is over we will be with Renee, Charlie, and Ethan again." A sob escaped Bella and she clung to Edward right there on the deck of the restaurant.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because it is meant to be, we are meant to be. So, we will be."

Edward comforted Bella and even though she knew he didn't know the future, his words were strong and she believed them. She had to believe them.

They returned to the beach house to find their three girls waiting for them.

"You're back!" Katie yelled as she ran up to them.

"Can we get ice cream on the boardwalk?" Carlie pleaded. Bella and Edward glanced at each other.

"Sure, just let me go to the bathroom real quick," Bella said smiling at her twin daughters.

Renesmee had been standing back watching her mother; she had noticed the puffiness of her eyes and the way her father was watching her mother with caution and care. She was a very bright girl and very in tune with the feelings of her parents. Her mother had been open about her life with her children, they knew their parents story and they knew about their older brother, Ethan. Renesmee felt her mother's loss and she tried to imagine her life if she had her brother. She felt like her mother would have been more whole and happier if Ethan was there. She had gone through a small period of jealousy feeling that her mother missed Ethan and had loved him more. However, she knew better now - that was just a pre-teen rebel moment for her. She was closer to her father, but she was in tune with her mother. She knew them both well and like her uncle Jasper, she was a watcher. She knew what everyone was feeling and thinking and she was also a piece of the foundation. She, in ways that a fourteen year old couldn't understand had held her family together in many ways.

Renesmee had filled a void in Bella's soul, she had shown her that she could be a mother and she could love another child as much as she had loved EJ. She had been Edward's first child and she had shown him that he could share his love of Bella in a different way - with a child.

When Bella broke away from Edward and the twins, Renesmee followed her.

"Mom," she called out to Bella as they got out of hearing range of the others.

"Yes, baby?" Bella asked turning back around to her daughter.

"Is everything okay?"

"Everything is going to be just fine," Bella assured her.

Bella gave her daughter a hug and then turned to go inside. Renesmee called after her once more.

"Mom," when Bella turned back to her she smiled at her mother. "I love you."

"I love you, too, baby girl," Bella felt a lump in her throat as she looked at her daughter.

She was growing up too fast. She stood before Bella with the ocean in the wide and vase behind her. She was starting to get curves and her face had lost all of its youthful roundness. She looked more like a sixteen-year-old, than a fourteen-year-old girl. Bella wondered how on earth it had all gone by so fast.

Five figures of the perfect little family walked along the boardwalk lapping up melting ice cream. They looked like they were right out of a movie. From the outside they appeared perfect and one would never know of the hardships that had passed the small family throughout their lives.

Though it had been a rough road, it had been the right road. Without that road, they wouldn't have made it here, to the beautiful picture of them together and smiles on their faces.

They made their way off of the boardwalk and down to the sand. The girls headed to the sand dunes to look at the crabs that scurried onto the shore. Edward and Bella stayed behind, taking a seat on a boulder.

"Be careful," Bella called out to the girls as they played along the shore running zig zag patterns around the sea creatures.

"We did well with them," Bella said, resting her head on Edward's shoulder. "They are perfect," she whispered.

"Just like their mother," Edward whispered back, trailing kisses down her neck.

She smiled up at him and their lips met. He kissed her deeply and she returned it; they communicated their love through the tender and needy kiss.

As they broke apart from their kiss and looked back up the beach, three perfectly beautiful girls walked along the sand smiling at the two and rolling their eyes.

"You two are worse than teenagers," Katie sighed, rolling her eyes. Bella chuckled, it had been something that Charlie had said to them many times; she knew that that was where little bug had heard it. Edward, however, didn't laugh, he wanted to, but his serious father side kept it at bay.

"Better not be like any teenagers that I know," he warned, looking at Renesmee she blushed and looked away from her father's penetrating stare.

Bella nudged him and he dropped the serious act. Renesmee had barely even had her kiss, which Bella knew about and Edward knew nothing about, but she was shy and timid about it. Kissing wasn't something you talked to your dad about, no matter how close you are to your parents.

"Don't worry, daddy, I will keep an eye on her," Carlie stated proudly, breaking the tension. They all chuckled and Edward ruffled his daughter's curly bronze hair.

"That a girl."

"Oh yeah, we need to get back," Bella said suddenly, hopping up with a smile on her face.

"What is the rush?" Edward asked. Bella smiled slyly at him.

"I believe someone promised to play me a song."

"Oh, daddy, are you going to play _Forever Soul_?" Renesmee asked, jumping up and down in excitement. He stared at Bella and looking at the smile on her face, he knew he would indeed be playing the song he wrote for Bella.

They continued along the beach back towards the vacation home. It had been a vacation of celebration. Bella felt secure once she had shared her fear with Edward, and just like always their love was exposed in every touch, smile, and look. They could withstand any storm that was thrown their way. Family was all they needed and love was all they had. They surged forward into the unknown.

Everything wasn't perfect, life wasn't always fair, but they were happy and they were loved; they lived each day knowing that the ones that were lost watched them from above.

The End

**Please review, it is the final chapter and it would warm my heart for you to do so!**

**Visuals http:/aboutlauralu(dot)blogspot(dot)com/2010/11/epilogue-of-si-visuals(dot)html**

**Also, the links to photos for this chapter will be on my page when ff stops messing up, I think you would enjoy them, so check them out**


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